Suri Suri

So she pulled off her flip-flop and snacked on that for a bit. Usually, when I eat my rubber sandal, I pour some A1 on that bitch, charbroil it a bit and serve it with some fries, but Suri likes hers raw and plain. To each his own. Don't worry, I'm sure there's some kind of protein in there. Hopefully, after Suri finished devouring that flip-flop, she ate up Stepford Katie's "abuelita with a cold" hat.

And don't you dare put any blame on Katie for allowing Suri to lick on caca. She's too busy hating life to notice!

The little robot who can't, Stepford Katie, took Suri and some of the Beckham boys to do crafts and art shit in Los Angeles yesterday. Romeo Beckham looks traumatized by the whole experience. He doesn't know if it's real life or not. I'm sure Posh will sit him down later and play Battlefield Earth, so Romeo can see where the Cruises come from. That will answer a lot of questions.

You know that while they were inside Stepford Katie got put on restriction again, because when they were painting pots, she wrote "help me" on hers and got caught! Suri would've helped her out, but she couldn't see anything with her eyes, because of those damn bangs! Can't Xenu help a girl out and take a Flowbee to her mop?

And what in "Please sir, can I have some more?" Hell is Katie Holmes wearing?! Since she's looking like a runaway orphan, the urchin should take it to the next level and stowaway on the next train out of there.

OK! Magazine says that the chosen one and the robot one will soon have themselves a little "tea party." Stepford Katie came up with the idea when she ran into the holy ones at a Golden Globes party a while back. Tommy Girl is also into it, but you know he'd rather have a private teabag party with Brad.

Some source said that Katie also wants Suri to start hanging out with girls her age instead of creepy adults, but because of security reasons not just anyone can come over. The source went on to yap, "Katie loves entertaining and spoke to Angelina about having an at-home tea party with cupcakes for the girls. Katie told Angelina she just knew Suri and Shiloh are going to get along fantastically well."

The source also says Zahara is also invited, but you know that girl wants nothing to do with that crazy alien shit. Zahara already gave a big "NO THANKS" to the invite, because drinking barley water is not her idea of a good time.

And I doubt it's a tea party. Suri knows that Shiloh has snuck out of her ivory tower a few times before, so she's trying to get her help so she can finally make a break for it. Shiloh's going to bring over saucers with maps on the bottom of them and a tablecloth that doubles as a parachute.

VIA Cover Awards

People all across the world make the exact same face every time they look at Tommy Girl and his weepy ass robobeard. Suri speaks for us all with her standard "bitch, please" face. Suri also threw in a hint of "fuckery" face and just a dash of "not today" face. Basically, homegirl is thisclose to taking the razor out of her and cutting a bitch. When that day comes, I know she'll be ready for her gorgeous chola makeover.

It was probably Suri's day off and she already had plans to deep condition her hair and twitter a bit. But then the thetans in Stepford Katie started to itch, so the bitch had to go outside and she dragged Suri with her. This is not Suri's idea of a good time. Especially since that dumb bitch Katie made her walk some of the time! Katie is lucky Suri didn't clt+alt+delete her ass.

Tommy Girl and his roboladies are currently spreading their fakery all over Brazil! I'm guessing Tommy is in town to promote that Nazi comedy nobody cares about. Oh and he's also sampling the local sausage at every Peenascaria in town.

If Tommy would stop waving at everyone like he's the damn president of gay troll land (which he is), he'd notice that Suri is tired of this fuckery. And I wish someone would punch Stepford Katie in her hard drive so she'd wake up out of screensaver mode and see that Suri is trying to stop the madness. No, instead they dragged Suri to the beach for some more photo-ops!

Tommy, Suri, Katie and a million bodyguards went to a beach that is only open to military families. Suri watched the children play, Tommy continued to be a creepy gnome and Katie started to go near the water, but realized it could electrocute her system so she backed off.

The way Katie Holmes is carrying Suri is the same way my friends carry me out of bars when I'm drunk and acting the fool. You know, they throw me over their shoulder, toss me into a cab and hold me while my legs flail around. Usually I'm wearing an outfit similar to Suri's. That little tidbit isn't important, but I thought it would be a fun fact for a Tuesday morning.

Carrying a drunk ass this way is ok. Carrying a kid like this looks so damn uncomfortable and unnecessary for all parties involved. I know Tommy and Katie like to display Suri this way, but maximum exposure means minimum comfort for Suri. Can't they find a better way? Maybe they should give her a piggyback ride? Or Tommy can get on all fours (he's used to that position) and Suri can ride him like the donkey he is.

And about Katie's face: Ctrl + Alt + KatieLooksBeat

Suri Cruise is really famous. Even more famous than her raggedy ass parents. She has the fan mail to prove it! Creepy? Yes.

Star Magazine says that the world famous superstar known as Suri gets around 100 pieces of fan mail a day from around the planet earth. If the Postal Service delivered shit from other planets, she'd probably get alien lovers from around the damn universe writing her.

A source tells Star, "She's even more popular than her superfamous parents. She has such a huge following that I'm surprised there isn't a Web site dedicated to her yet."

Apparently, most of the dumb dumbs writing Suri want to know where she gets her clothes. Do these crazies realize that she can't read? Suri probably will never learn how to read. All she has to do is wear hot clothes, flip off the paps and get carried around. Why bother learning how to read, write or walk?

I don't even want to know what the other letters say. That other shit probably has the PedoBear stamp of approval on it.

Tommy Girl definitely queefs over all the fan mail Suri gets. He probably replies to every single one with an autographed picture of Suri. Gross. Suri is seriously effed. She is better off running away and joining the circus.

Below is the world's most famous celebrity being carried by her bitch in NYC last night and this morning.

It's Stepford Katie's 30th birthday today. Happy Birthday, Katie! You don't look a day over haggard! Katie celebrated this morning with her hourly weepy shuffle to her SUV in NYC. Tommy Girl said that he has a few special things planned for Katie's barfday. If I was Katie, the only "special thing" I'd want Tommy to do on my barfday is to jump off the fucking planet without a jet pack or whatever else thetans use to travel through the universe.

Suri Cruise was also spotted this morning wearing her favorite "take me away from Tommy Girl" ruby slippers. And where can I get one of those hot personal carriers like Suri has? I'm allergic to sidewalks like Suri is, so he would come in handy.

That chick with the yellow boots in some of the thumbnails below is so bright. Methinks Katie had to dim her monitor eyes just to get to her car without being blinded.

What kind of craziness is spewing out of Tommy Girl's glory hole mouth today? Well, Tommy would absolutely adore it if Suri Cruise decided she wanted to be an actress. At last night's premiere of that movie you don't need to know the name of since you're not going to see it ever, Tommy was asked by UsWeekly what would he think if Suri wanted to act, "I'd love it. I'd love it. Acting is ... a great life to get to entertain people and create characters and stories."

Suri is already acting! The girl deserves a dozen Oscars for her riveting performance as the daughter of a crazy troll person with raccoon teeth. Honestly, Suri probably already has a team of agents, managers, stylists, publicists, acting coaches and blah...blah..blah... Since Tommy's career is in the urine trough, he's going to whore out Suri so that she can become the cash cow in the family. Mama Tommy will be the most insane stage mother. He'll make that bitch Rocky from I Know My Kid's a Star look like mother of the year.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea. Suri was born to star in a remake of Small Wonder. I'm totally right.

Tommy went on to say that Suri is already talking, "Her vocabulary is great. The ones that we love are, 'I love you.' I love hearing 'I love you, dada. I love you, mama.'"

My mind would blow off if I heard Suri speak. She probably sounds like Shirley Temple speaking through a vocoder. Tommy is just being modest. Suri also knows at least 15 languages, can recite Dianetics from memory, can sing the Village People's Macho Man on key (that's Tommy's favorite song) and can give you the current location of Katie Holmes. Tommy upgraded her software recently.

Here's Tommy at the NYC premiere of that movie with Thomas Kretschmann last night. Oh yeah, Tommy has totally licked Thomas' cheese strudel.

Tommy Girl can't be anymore obvious. He should have just put Suri in a glass display case, placed spotlights all around her and shouted "Step right up!" on a megaphone. Now, the last time I held a baby it threw up on my face, so I don't hold one often, but I'm pretty sure this is not how you normally do it. Suri better be getting paid double for this kind of fuckery.

On the plus side, she has a sippy cup instead of a bottle! Alert the fucking world! At this rate, she'll graduate to a regular cup by her 18th birthday! Actually, I think Suri is going from the sippy cup straight to the bottle thanks to the fact that she's being raised by a pack of crazies.

And Tommy's platform Easy Spirits are seriously sexy.