Suri Suri

Once again Tommy Girl broke a promise to Suri and dragged her out on her day off. Look at her! She's spent. She wanted to spend her Thanksgiving sipping barleytinis, watching "The Bad Girls" marathon, playing Canasta with the maids and planning her Spring wardrobe. She did not want to be out in NYC with Little Gay Crazy and his microwaved celery stalk of a wife. But of course since it was Thanksgiving, Tommy Girl had to make sure to get his "We're a Perfect American Family" photo-op.

Suri wasn't the only one who had to suffer through this fakery. Tommy dragged his "other" children, Isabella and Connor, out yesterday too. They both look like they would rather be playing racquetball against their mother's forehead than pretending to be a happy family with Tommy. And if that wasn't enough, the Becks family came along for the publicity tour.

They all went to the Big Apple Circus and followed it with a carriage ride through Central Park. You know, just two extremely private families doing extremely private things in the most private city in the world.

Suri Cruise is like a walking The Ivy restaurant: paparazzi swarm her whenever she leaves the house. Soon you're going to see international supermodel Phoebe Price and Prince Von A-Hole hanging around Suri just so they can get their pose on for the paps. And Tommy Girl loves, loves, loves it! He told Grazia Magazine (via Post Chronicle), "I have to say some of those paparazzi shots of my daughter are incredible. As a parent you protect your children but Suri is a very open and warm child and she will just wave to people on the street. She is such happy, fun girl."

Fuck, he's gross. I bet every morning, he holds PR meetings with Suri and they strategize what she's going to wear and how she's going to act. He probably talks to her like she's an adult and gives her a PowerPoint presentation on her image. He fucking knows that she's the only thing that's keeping him relevant.

Tommy pursed his lips, crossed his legs, flipped his hair and went on to say, "It is certainly different these days with the media, but people have very good to us and do give us space so I am not going to be difficult." Of course, he's not going to be difficult. He's probably tipping their asses off!

Although, I must say that these pictures of Suri with a cupcake made my body grow ovaries.

Suri Cruise, the hardest working girl in showbusiness, was on the streets of Manhattan during her morning shift today. If Tommy Girl and Katie bring Suri out on Thanksgiving, they better give her holiday pay. Those custom made PradaGucciArmaniVersaceBurberryWhoever dresses don't come cheap!

Speaking of those dresses, Tommy Girl told Entertainment Tonight that Suri refuses to wear pants and only wants to wear dresses. He said that Suri is a "girlie girl" and "she won't wear pants. Kate finally got her in jeans the other day. We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." Like Tommy Girl, like daughter! That's why Katie always looks like drained caca in the face, because if she's not fighting Suri about wearing another dress, she's fighting Tommy about the same thing.

Here's Suri and that woman in NYC today. Yes, Katie looks like shit again. I should just customize my keyboard with a button that will automatically type "Katie looks like shit again" whenever I hit it. That would save a lot of time.

Suri Cruise is wearing a jacket......and pants! I don't know if Suri's $20,000 (I'm guessing) Burberry coat is made with real fur, but let's tell Peta it is just for shits.

You know it's colder than your heart on a block of ice when Suri is actually covered up. I stepped out last night for a quick minute and my nipples started crying icy tears. I can't play with this cold shit. I have to wear a face mask, three hats, ear muffs, long johns, 2 jackets, 3 scarves, a battery-powered heating pad and a Taser in my ass just in case I need a quick jolt of heat.

It looks the cold didn't bother Stepford Katie. She her rolled-up summer jeans into rolled-up winter shorts. F-U-G. Don't worry about her. I'm sure her internal warming system is hard at work.

And I've always wondered what Suri sounds like, but now I'm thinking she doesn't say words. Suri and Katie communicate by touching their heads together like in the picture above. That's how all the alien talks!

And that's exactly what Suri Cruise thinks of this shit! Forbes.com came out with their second annual "Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots" list and Suri came out on top. I think Pedo Bear co-sponsored this shit. I mean, "hottest"? Maybe they are referring to the fact that Suri's never wearing a jacket, so she must be hot literally. Unfortunately, that's not what they mean.

Forbes came up with their list by looking at each celebrity kid and how much media attention they get. Suri beat out all the Jolie-Pitt messiahs, because she was in more magazines and blogs than them. Only 3 out of the ten thousand Brangelina deities made the list: Shiloh, Pax and Zahara. Forbes will probably be shut down by the "powers above" next week for not including Brangelina's golden twins on that list.

Here's the Top 10:

1. Suri Cruise (daughter of Katie Holmes and Chris Klein Tommy Girl)
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (you know who her parents are)
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt (see above)
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt (see above)
5. Sam Alexis-Woods (daughter of Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham (son of Posh & Becks)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda (son of Vadge & Guy Ritchie)
9. SPF (son of Brit Brit & KFed)
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen)

I can't wait for Forbes annual Sexiest Celebrity Fetuses list!

Source

Thanks Heather

It's that time of day where we look at pictures of Stepford Katie and Suri walking up and down the streets while the pappies take their picture. I bet they stroll down to the corner, stroll back to their apartment, go upstairs, Suri meets with her styling team, Katie recharges her batteries and then they do it all again. Suri better make "Employee of the Year," because she works hard for that barley.

Suri is glad it's Friday, because she was so excited today. She even showed off her karate bot kick. If only Tommy Girl was standing next to her. She would've kicked him in the snatch since they're basically the same height.

Bitches really seem to be worried about Suri bouncing around NYC without a jacket on. People, she can't wear a jacket, because she has a deal with the fashion houses that she must show off the entire garment! That dress costs more than your vagina rejuvenation surgery (I know you've been looking into it), so she has to properly model the whole thing without some pesky jacket getting in the way. Suri cares about high-fashion. She's working hard to land a Dior or Miu Miu contract. Hey, at least her legs are covered. And I really need an umbrella like that in my life.

Katie still looks like a middle-aged mini-van mom who regularly misses picking up her kids from school because she's passed out on the coach after a raging pill and booze session. But at least she's wearing Converse!

I'm fucking drunkover (combination of drunk and hungover) and freaking out over that Prop 8 mess, so I'd figure it was a good time for some pictures of Suri Cruise actually smiling.

Suri and her robot zombie mommy were out in NYC last night, partying, acting crazy, etc... You know how they do it. Suri smiled at the paps, but she probably figured that if she moved her mouth around, it would keep her warm. Hah. No! Suri doesn't need a jacket or tights or anything! Tommy Girl always keeps her heating system at a perfect 75 degrees.

Stepford Katie on the other hand always looks like she's fucking freezing. She probably brings a blanket with her to the beach in the summertimes.

Anywhocares, I must get back to worrying about if my wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is going to happen or not.

Stepford Katie showed up to her daily "pap show" with Suri today wearing the exact same orange cult dress! Suri specifically told that dumb bitch not to wear the orange one. Katie's obviously got barley dust in her ears, but Suri will clean that shit out with computer dust later.

You know, I was thisclose to dressing as Suri for Halloween, but I get cold in the bones easily and don't want to run around without a coat on. Besides, I'd just end up looking LIKE THIS. That's exactly what Tommy Girl looks like when he plays dress up in Suri's clothes.

Drop everything! Everything needs to be put on hold now. This is major news. Why isn't CNN covering this? Why hasn't there been a press conference about this international development? Why can't we hear the aliens singing this news through the universe?

Anywhocares, Suri Cruise's bangs were practically dragging on the ground, so it looks like Tommy Girl finally programmed Stepford Katie to take their little doll down to the haircutters. Or maybe Tommy used his safety scissors to give Suri the Ramona Quimby. You know he keeps that book in the shitter. It makes him giggle. He thinks that Ramona is so "NEAT!" And he totally punches the air when he says "NEAT!"

And some of you have pointed out that Suri is running around without a jacket or some shit. It seems like it's always summertimes in Suri's world. Well, that's because it is! Tommy Girl had a special temperature-controlled bubble made just for Suri! He got the blueprint from his main concubine Johnny Travolta. See, that explains why it's always 80-degrees for Suri!

Here's Suri, that woman and some creepy bodyguard-type in NYC's Central Park today.