Scientology

Scientology's answer to your crazy aunt who bitches how she needs to loser her lonjas before biting into a Zinger was on Today this morning to whore out her new reality show about being fat and her new weight-loss program called Organic Liaisons. Fun fact: "Organic Liaisons" is also what Gwyneth Paltrow calls masturbation.

Organic Liaisons has been accused of being a front for Scientology, because their corporate office is based in Clearwater, FL, which is where the Church of Suri's High Heels is also based. Also several high-ranking Scientology members sit on the board of Organic Liaisons.

This morning, Meredith Vieira asked Kristie if it was true that L. Ron Hubbard's frozen jizz juice is the secret ingredient in Organic Liaisons. Kirstie said, "It's such bullshit. It’s not true. It’s not true. I’m the top executive. The address in Clearwater is my accountant, and he’s a Scientology Jew. I don’t know what to say to it.” Kirsie went on to deny that Scientology gets a cut of Organic Liaisons' profits, “No, they don’t. I’m way too cheap to do that."

You know what Meredith forgot to ask? She forgot to ask Kirstie for proof that Organic Liaisons actually works! I'm sure it will make you feel less GLIB, but will it melt your chunk?! Maybe I'm on too many anti-depressants, but Kirstie looks like she's been eating donut pills, not weight-loss pills. Bitch is still fat!

I mean, taking weight-loss advice from Kirstie Alley is like taking classes in tact and etiquette from Rielle Hunter.

John Travolta slipped on his waterproof lacefront, jumped into his private plane and flew to Haiti to drop off a bunch of relief supplies. Johnny's rep confirmed to CNN that he personally flew the plane himself. I'm going to straighten up my side-eye, because John taking supplies to Haiti is a good thing. John is doing more than most. But then I read this part....

"In addition to relief supplies, Travolta is bringing along his wife Kelly Preston, several doctors and Church of Scientology ministers."

Let's just hope that these Scientology ministers are only there to help unload the plane, and not there to E-meter the Haitians for Thetans.

Tommy Girl lives for a reason to put on his custom-made flight attendant unitard, but he didn't go to Haiti in case there's gay people there.

In 2001, Tommy Girl filed a lawsuit against the then-editor of Bold magazine Michael David Sapir for claiming to have a video of Tommy partaking in a little gay stuff with another dude (just another home movie). The lawsuit was settled and Michael David issued a statement saying he lied about the tape. Well, 8 years later and now it's Michael David's turn to sue. Radar says that Michael David is suing Tommy Girl for spying on him by tapping his phone line. Michael David wants at least $5 million from Tommy Girl's lube fund.

In the court documents, Michael David claims that during the 2001 lawsuit, TG hired Anthony Pellicano, the sleazy P.I. who was convicted of wiretapping last year, to tappity tap tap his phone line.

You know Tommy Girl tapped Michael David's phone himself. Tommy jumps at any chance to slip on his custom-made Emma Peel catsuit. Michael David probably realized something in the milk wasn't clean when he noticed that all his dirty underwear was gone and that someone left a Shirley Bassey disc in his CD player.

I think it's safe to assume that Tommy Girl and his band of merry aliens have tapped all of our phone lines. This is why we should go back to communicating like we did when we were kids. We knew what was up back then. We only had conversations through soup cans, fake Barbie rotary phones, interpretive dance and booger notes. You can't tap any of that shit!

While promoting that Nine movie, Nicole Kidman sat down with the BBC's Andrew Marr for an interview about the movie....AND ONLY THE MOVIE! Nicole refused to talk about all things Scientology including: barley, Thetans and if Xenu is a top or a bottom.

When Andrew Marr brought up the S word and referred to it as a "bullying cult," Nicole immediately froze his prune sack with her icy eyes and said, “I just don’t.... This is just so not... I’m here to publicize Nine. If I was here to do an exposé on myself then I’d be like, ‘Let’s go’, but I have no interest in discussing any of that."

Andrew must have not minded that his insides were starting to turn to ice cubes, because he nudged Nicole a bit more on the subject. But she stayed firm and said she would only talk about the movie.

Nicole isn't stupid. She knows that even if she said the word "Scientology," Suri and her men would destroy the world's supply of Botox, Collagen, Juvederm, Restylane, etc.... They would get Nicole where it really really hurts.

Click here to see the video of Nicole putting the freeze on Marr.

I figured Tommy Girl was into rough nasty shit (i.e. fingering himself in the mirror, watching his own Scientology video on a loop, etc....), but who knew he was capable of beating down disobedient Scientologists (sarcasm = this is it).

Mark "Marty" Rathbun, a former high-ranking Scientologist, claims that Scientology leader David Miscavige regularly beat on the staff when they didn't obey him. Marty tells the NYDN about an incident at Scientology's headquarters in Hemet, CA a couple of years ago.

Before Tommy Girl's arrival at the compound, David Miscavige forced the managers to go through the "Tom Cruise Preparation Arrival Drill." The drill involves the managers polishing his favorite ass beads, making sure his room is fully stocked with hard peen and cueing up the Spice Girls song "Outer Space Girls" for his big entrance. David also asked the managers to take care of 3 insubordinate officials who were being held at Scientology's prisonlike facility called "The Hole."

After the drill was completed, David Miscavige addressed the 80 to 100 managers. David was not happy that they failed to beat the 3 "prisoners." Marty said, “Miscavige berated the managers for being far too light in their demands for confessions, because they refused to beat them ... to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living (bleep)’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff (the 3 prisoners) if the managers failed to do so themselves. In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen. Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes.”

Scientology's official spokescrazy, Tommy Davis, said that the three officials have all provided sworn affidavits stating they were not beat. Tommy also said that Marty was fired from Scientology because they caught him beating other members.

Marty admits to delivering beat downs, but said he was only following orders from David Miscavige.

THE HOLE?! Tommy Girl beating on men?! This sounds like a treatment for the worst gay porn movie ever made. And if Tommy Girl really wanted to torture a bitch, he would just have to beat on his own peen in their presence. MERCY!

Tommy Girl's Scientolohole must be screaming into a bowl of ice cream this morning, because his Church of Aliens has lost a famous member. Paul Haggis (the Oscar-winning director of Crash) has spit out the barley, turned in his foil cap and delivered a giant "fuck you" to L. Ron Hubbard. After being a member for 35 years, Paul is leaving the crazy, because he's sick of their constant gay bashing and for denying the "disconnect policy" which states that Scientologists have to cut off bitches who don't believe that thetans live inside our pores (or something).

Paul addressed the letter to the Church of Scientology's insane spokesalien Tommy Davis (son of Anne Archer). Paul states that he was very vocal about his disappointment with Scientology's support of Prop 8. Paul also mentions an interview Tommy Davis gave to CNN where he denied that existence of the "disconnect policy." This made Paul's nipples burn with anger, because his own wife was forced to say "peace out" to her parents after they left the alien-loving cult.

The letter, which was originally published on Mark Rathbun's site, is after the jump. It pretty much speaks for itself. I don't think Paul deserved an Oscar for Crash, but he definitely deserves one for this letter, so we're even now. And how much do you want to make a bet that Tommy Girl is now calling Paul Haggis "Paul Faggis."? Tommy is a master at insults! JUMP!!!

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

Tommy Girl said that he's no longer opening up his shit hole about evil anti-depressants, but it looks like he passed down the batshit crazy torch to fellow Scientologist Bijou Phillips. Bijou has some advice for any of you who suffer from a severe case of the sads: stop being such a pussy and get the fuck over it! Basically.

In the new issue of Paper (via UsWeekly), Bijou said, "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy."

This is coming from a bitch whose whole family has self-medicated with the street anti-depressant know as CRACK (and a bunch of other shit too). Why doesn't she tell her sister Mackenzie to just get over being a damn crackhead. You know, eat a barley cookie, shake off the shakes and move on.

I wish Bijou would just buck up and get over being such a dumbstupidwhorecuntslutdickhead, but that's not going to happen.

And since we're on the subject of Bijou, I want to quote one of my favorite comments ever left by a commenter on this site a while ago. They said: "Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake!" No truer words have ever been written. And she would totally fuck a depressed snake too.

Roger Friedman of Fox News wrote about Will Smith's charitable foundation "just-released" tax returns. You probably can't get a hold of a personal tax return, but if you should happen to come across mine, all those large purchases I wrote off from an establishment called The Pink PussyCat were for research, ok? RESEARCH! Ask my no-no, he's my witness.

So Will Smith has shouted through the streets that he is not a Scientologist. He's just letting one slurp on his chode every now and again. Even though Will claims he's not in bed with the alien crazies (you know what I mean), he donated around $122,000 to Scientology this year. Specifically, he gave up $67k to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Fund, $50k to Scientologoy's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood and another $5k to something called ABLE which is a Scientology offshoot.

I'm guessing that ABLE stands for Anal Bottoms Lacking Enemas. It's the charity closest to Tommy's heart...or his asshole in this case.

Last year, Will and his beard donated some cash to a private school that teaches some Scientology shit.

What does this all mean? Well, it means that Will is either a barley water drinking, couch jumping, Xenu obsessing Scientologist or........or nothing. He's totally in the Don't Be Glib Club.

This is some weird news, but I guess since it happened on the grounds of the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, it's not so weird?

A man in his 40s drove up to the Centre in a red convertible yesterday afternoon. He got out of his car and approached three security guards carrying two 5-foot samurai swords in each hand. This shit sounds like just a regular afternoon down in Tommy Girl's sex dungeon. Unfortunately, it was not and one of the security guards shot the man with a semiautomatic handgun. According to the police, the surveillance video showed the man waving the swords at the guards. One of the HBICs of the LAPD said, "The evidence is very clear the security officers were defending their safety."

The police said that the man was involved with the Scientologists a long time ago, but they aren't sure what his relationship was with them.

Was shooting the dude really necessary? Couldn't they taser him or better yet, sic Jenna Elfman's crazy ass on him.

And it's nice to know that "so-called church" guards are carrying guns. Does this mean that nuns carry glocks in their garters?

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