Scientology

Somewhere in between Taco Bell's commercial titled "Madonna at the Club" and GoDaddy's ad, which put the Bar in BARF, a 60-second commercial for the Church of Scientology aired in a bunch of cities including NYC and L.A. The Scientology bath house will have to cut costs by switching from barley-scented Wet lube to generic lube, because Radar says running their shitty commercial during the Super Bowl cost them around $8 million.

As a bunch of stock footage of young people played, a voice over spewed out these stupid words that really mean nothing:

“To the curious, the inquisitive, the seekers of knowledge. To the ones who just want to know about life, about the universe, about yourself. Not cute questions, big questions, one’s that matter. To the rebels, the artists, the free thinkers and the innovators who care less about labels and more about truth. Who believe non-conformity's more than a bumper sticker. That knowledge is more than words on a page. You're young, you're old, you're powerful beyond measure and the fuel of that power is not magic or mysticism, but knowledge. The things you see, the things you feel, the things you know to be true. Sure, some will doubt you. Let them. Dare to think for yourself, to look for yourself, to make up your own mind. Because in the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that's true is what's true for you."

That part about "cute questions" was totally shade directed at Tommy Girl, because you know he's raised his hand during meetings and asked, "Does my bubble butt bottom look cute in these Bugle Boy jeans?"

And THIS is how those crazies are trying to recruit new members to brainwash? This is more like an ad for library membership or for pot brownies. If they really wanted to recruit new bitches, their commercial should've been nothing but shots of John Travolta and Tommy Girl dancing topless to a disco remix of the Close Encounters theme song as the bath house boys sucked the Thetans off of each other's dicks in the background. The tagline should've been:

Scientology: Does Your Church Have A Glory Hole In It?*

* ignore the question if you're Catholic

The Hollywood Reporter posted another piece from Pulitzer Prize winning author Lawrence Wright's book about Scientology and this one is 7 internet pages long and is all about Tommy Girl's relationship with Scientology's HBIC David Miscavige. What I've learned after reading that shit is that David's head is firmly up Tommy's ass and Tommy's head is firmly up David's ass. (Yes, I know that image is more terrifying than anything scene in The Human Centipede.) David worships Tommy and Tommy thinks David is the second coming. My skin is now covered in a thick layer of barf, because my Thetans are all vomming in unison.

Lawrence talked with several high ranking members of Sea Org including Mark Rathbun. Lawrence learned that David Miscavige is an egomaniacal muscle midget who spends up to $20,000 a week on fancy food, makes his staff polish the light bulbs in his mansion once a month, sleeps until noon and once told Tommy that he believes they are two of only a few "big beings" on the planet. Queen David also brags about how Tommy modeled his character in A Few Good Men on him.

Lawrence also learned that when Tommy was married to Nicole Kidman he started drifting away from Scientology a bit and Queen David blamed it all on Nicole. He saw Nicole as a gold digger who was faking Scientology and he nearly jizzed creamed Thetans from his butt when Tommy filed for divorce. But before Tommy filed for divorce, David did try to keep Tommy and Nicole together even though he didn't trust her ass. David found out that Tommy and Nicole had always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers (too easy), so he made SeaOrg members plant one at Gold Base, Scientology's desert compound near Hemet, CA. The field of wildflowers wasn't up to David's standards and so he ordered them to plow it and cover it with grass. Picky queen.

After Tommy and Nicole's marriage contract expired, he got into Scientology even more and quickly became one of the High Priestesses. Tommy wanted to talk to Prime Minister Tony Blair about declaring Scientology a tax-deductible charity organization in Britain and asked President Clinton to help him do this. Clinton sort of shrugged him off. Then when George W. Bush was President, Tommy  tried to convince the Secretary of Education at the time to include Scientology's "study tech" methods into the No Child Left Behind program. That led to Queen David and Tommy Girl having this hilariously delusional conversation while riding from the airport to Gold Base:

"Bush may be an idiot," Miscavige observed, "but I wouldn't mind his being our Constantine," referring to the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity.

Cruise agreed. "If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president."

Miscavige responded, "Well, absolutely, Tom."

(Cruise, through his lawyer, denies this exchange and says he has no political ambition.)

If Tommy Girl was President, there would be no sales tax on man heels, all anti-depressants would be turned into numbing butt lube, claiming a beard on your tax return would get you an extra deduction and Matt Lauer's citizenship would be revoked. Actually, I'd probably vote for Tommy based on that last one alone.

Here's America's future President with Rosamund Pike at the Jack Reacharound premiere in Tokyo.

I see that thick folder with John Travolta's name on it. It probably has more pictures of hard dick than the folder on my desktop labeled, "more pictures of hard dick, part 3."

The Hollywood Reporter has been posting excerpts from Lawrence Wright's book about Scientology called Going Clear and yesterday they shared details about John Travolta's fucked up relationship with the Cult of L. Ron Hubbard. John joined Scientology after actress Joan Prather told him about it while on the set of some crap movie called The Devil's Rain in Mexico. John started taking classes at Scientology's Celebrity Centre and was hooked after he believed that they helped him get his breakout role on Welcome Back, Kotter:

Travolta began taking the Hubbard Qualified Scientologist Course at the Celebrity Centre with about 150 other students. He confided to the teacher, Sandy Kent, that he was about to audition for a television show, Welcome Back, Kotter. Kent instructed everyone to point in the direction of ABC Studios and telepathically communicate the instruction: “We want John Travolta for the part.” At the next meeting, Travolta revealed he had gotten the role of Vinnie Barbarino -- the part that would soon make him famous. “My career immediately took off,” Travolta boasted in a Church publication. “Scientology put me in the big time.

Scientology gave John a Sea Org handler and it was the handler's job to keep him in check, manage his relationship with his fans and she even had to get Paramount to buy a large block of Scientology audits for his birthday. John's handler goes on to say that she became very close to him, but Scientology tore them apart and later manipulated her into luring him back to the cult after they felt like he was straying away. She eventually left Scientology and became a "Suppressive Person" after they kept her baby from her and punished her by throwing her in a disciplinary program. The entire excerpt is as long as Chris Brown's pencil dick, but it's a must-read. It reads like a scary novella as written by Stephen King.

Anyway, the best part of the excerpt is that the name of John Travola's former Scientology handler is: SPANKY TAYLOR! SPANKY TAYLOR! Her real name is Sylvia Taylor, but everyone calls her Spanky.

John Travolta would have a handler named Spanky Taylor. Spanky Taylor sounds like a sex act involving whips and anus clamps. It's just a perfect name. John Travolta's world would totally be a different place if he had stayed friends with Spanky Taylor. SPANKY TAYLOR!

"PUPPIES! JUST GIVE ME PUPPIES!!!" was the #1 search term on YouTube yesterday, because hos needed to cleanse their brains after reading the story about how actor type Johnny Lewis (Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy) viciously murdered his 81-year-old landlady, beat two men with a 2x4 and brutally dismembered a cat before falling to his death. If this crazy and fucked up story had opening credits, the opening credits would end with the words "And Special Guest Star XENU!"

TMZ says that Johnny's father, Michael Lewis, is a bridge queen of Scientology and he reached the church's highest level by winning 2 out of 3 dance-offs against John Travolta and by beating the video game Destroy All Humans! 2 without using cheats. Johnny, seen above with his ex-piece Katy Perry in 2006, was addicted to the bad shit in a bad way and so his father put him in Scientology's drug abuse program Narconon. Johnny managed to temporarily kick his craving for DRUGS!!!, because Scientology threatened to make him watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober if he even thought about touching an 8-ball. The Narconon program was so proud of Johnny that they used him as one of their success stories until 48 hours ago when he committed murder while probably high on the wrong shit.

Scientology scrubbed Johnny's pictures from all of their websites and a rep said that he hasn't been involved with the church for years.

I'm actually clutching my anal beads out of shock that Scientology acknowledged that Johnny Lewis once existed in their alien fart bubble of a world. I would've thought they'd be like, "Who? What? Huh?  Don't be glib!" Right now, Queen David Miscavige is down in the Star Trek bunker underneath the Scientology Centre telling John Travolta the only way to get people to forget that Narconon is a part of this story is to release the Kraken. And yes by "release the Kraken" he means that Johnny's Scientolohole has to terrorize another massage therapist who will eventually sell his story to The National Enquirer. John Travolta will always take one for the team if it means his itchy, itchy anus gets to make an appearance.

Oscar-winning movie director Paul Haggis was a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard's alien magic for 35 years, but he quit those crazy bitches over their support of Prop 8. Ever since then, Paul has been publicly dragging Xenu all over the place and he doesn't seem to care that Scientology most likely has a dirt ditch in their backyard with his name on it. Every time a Scientology goon comes at him, he just points his finger behind them, screams "It's E.T.!" and then runs to hide in the Big Gay Ice Cream truck (since Scientologists will never go into a place with ice cream AND gays in it).

After Vanity Fair put out an excerpt on their story about the search to find the third Mrs. Tommy Girl, Paul co-signed their story in an open letter he gave to Showbiz411. Vanity Fair claims that actress Nazanin Boniadi, who was a Scientologist at the time, was audited to become Tommy's third robot beard, but she was kicked out of the running after it was decided she wasn't famous enough. When Nazanin told a Scientologist friend about dating Tommy, Scientology punished her by making her dig ditches.

Scientology went to their publicist robot, hit the "canned denial" button (fun fact: their publicist robot only has one button and it's the '"canned denial" button) and the publicist robot told UsWeekly that Vanity Fair's story is a shit pile of lies. But Paul Haggis says Vanity Fair's story is completely true, because he's friends with Nazanin and knew about this story for a long time:

I’ve known Nazanin for about three years. I met her through a mutual friend when I was doing my own personal research into the allegations against Scientology, before I wrote my letter of resignation. Naz was embarrassed by her unwitting involvement in this incident and never wanted it to come out, so I kept silent. However I was deeply disturbed by how the highest ranking members of a church could so easily justify using one of their members; how they so callously punished her and then so effectively silenced her when it was done. It wasn’t just the threats; they actually made her feel ashamed, when all she had been was human and trusting....

After I wrote my resignation letter, a dozen or more “friends” and officials of the church repeatedly descended on me to demand that I destroy the letter and resign quietly. I told them that wasn’t an option for me. I also told them that I had more sources of information about the troubling nature of the organization then I was at liberty to divulge. This was one.

I’ve met quite a number of people who have been treated shamefully but are afraid to speak out. This story will draw attention because of our fascination with celebrity. Most of the others are just ordinary people whose stories, if told, would not appear in a magazine. They live in fear of retribution, legal, financial or personal, even some famous ones. They fear an incredibly wealthy organization that boasts that it seeks truth, empowers people, brings families together, encourages independent thought and free speech, and champions human rights. I would like to say that i don’t know how its members, many of them good and intelligent people, can remain so purposely blind when they are faced with evidence like this every day, but then I am no one to talk. I was happily blind for many years, so I know the shame that Naz feels.

In Naz’s case, she has no right to feel ashamed. She is not only a terrific actress at the beginning of a very promising career, she is a dedicated human rights activist and a truly lovely and caring person. The last thing she wanted or needed is this kind of publicity, but here it is, and I am sure she will deal with it with the same grace and dignity she exudes in her daily life. I’m appalled that any church would treat its parishioners this way, but Naz has never cast herself as a victim. She is strong and resilient and I am very proud to call her a friend.

And FYI, in case this wasn’t clear, Naz quietly and privately resigned from the church a couple of years ago after several years of trying to handle this injustice internally, to no avail.

It's not hard to believe Vanity Fair's story, because it's old news and everyone knows Scientology is crazier than a flaming bag of raccoon dicks. But what gets me is how bad at matchmaking they are. Scientology can't matchmake worth shit. Naz was a failed match and Katie Holmes was really a failed match. It's not hard, either. They just need to find a beard who's shorter than Tommy, is a theatrical queen like him, has a mind that lives on another planet and won't ask questions when he comes home smelling like a passed around man butt dildo. The answer is simple: Liza. Liza Minnelli should totally be Tommy's next beard. Liza with a Xenu!

Here's Tommy having dinner with the owners of the Washington Redskins and posing with "fans" in Croatia over the weekend.

The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta's head, he's giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair's cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl's third beard wife.

Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy's wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes' simple ass. Vanity Fair's Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by "disrespecting" Scientology's other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.

After Nicole Kidman's marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who'd obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who'd keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige's wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He's Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy's third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.

The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she'd been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the "suppressive person" title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.

On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy's hotel suite, but they didn't bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn't make a 9" dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin's access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy's production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy's ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, "I get more love from an extra than I do from you." Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra's peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That's real love.

Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy's face, because they didn't think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:

According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, “Excuse me?” when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication “land” is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, “Mr. Miscavige doesn’t remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.”)

Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn't ever supposed to talk about being Tommy's beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you've ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.

NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.

Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair's story.

None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that's not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy's next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.

Here's the full trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master" which is totally not about the alien voodoo that is Scientology, but is TOTALLY about the alien voodoo that is Scientology. Joaquin Phoenix has finally shaved away the crazy and brushed away the fuckery to get back to doing real acting shit. Joaquin plays a boozed up mess who is stumbling through life without any kind of purpose until he meets Philip Seymour Hoffman's character, a writer and nuclear physicist who is the leader of a new religious organization.

Page Six says that since Tommy Girl was in Magnolia, PTA screened the movie to see how the High Priestess of Scientology felt about it. Tommy had "issues" with it and by that he means he found the entire movie...."glib." Philip Seymour Hoffman said before that the movie isn't about Scientology. Please. The only way this movie could be more about Scientology is if there was 100% more man-on-man action, a dance number starring John Travolta backed up by the Scientology glory hole chorus boys and a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord. Please tell me there's a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord.

via Vulture

Tommy Girl is just a couple of months away from being legally free of the selfish human who refused to complete her transformation into a microchip-brained Stepford Wife and the head bitches at Scientology are already shopping around for his fourth wife. Tell Ashley Greene to not bother sending in her head shot, salary requirements and recommendation letters from past beading jobs, because Scientology has learned their lesson and they're filling the position internally this time (sounds sexy, but it isn't). Scientology isn't about to let another outsider blow open their front doors so that the public can see them sucking each other's dicks and being crazy and shit. Not this time.

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that former members of Scientology are placing their bets on 27-year-old Yolanda Pecoraro as the next Mrs. Tommy Girl. Both of Yolanda's parents are Scientologists and she's been taking classes since she was 13. Yolanda is even used to tasting butt nectar on Tommy's lips during staged kissing sessions, because she dated him for a quick minute after meeting him at the opening of a Scientology center in Spain in 2004. Yolanda apparently has a boyfriend, but he's also a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard, so it'll only take one or two audit sessions to fully brainwash him into dumping her. Some source said this about Tommy's newest beard bride:

"With the embarrassment his divorce has caused the church, they want to stabilize the situation quickly. They also want to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom's next wife, they'd certainly want her to have a child soon. So she could quickly be going from her modest apartment to a mansion in Beverly Hills with a baby on the way. And there's little doubt she'd do what's best for the church."

Another source called Yolanda a true "princess of Scientology" and I don't appreciate that shit. That source's Thetans must be shitting lumps of stupidity onto their brain, because Tommy is the true princess of Scientology. Bow down and engrave that on your brain. If Yolanda thinks she's the princess, there's really going to be a problem, because no wife of Tommy touches his tiara. You know what else is a problem? Yolanda is not the right age! All of Tommy's wives were around 11 years younger than the last one, so his new wife should be 22. Don't screw with the numbers. But if they insist on screwing with the numbers, they should really make John Travolta Tommy's fourth and final wife, because that marriage will last until Xenu destroys earth and all the Scientologists escape in penis-shaped pods.

More importantly, WWYAS (What Would Yolanda's Abuelita Say)? I'd like to see Tommy try to use his telekinesis powers to stop an abuelita's switch from coming at him. Won't work.

Here's Tommy putting on a smile for the millions of paps while giving Suri a reverse piggyback ride in Manhattan yesterday.

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you're doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he's not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard's weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

You see Tommy Girl making the rock 'n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can't help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.

To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu's kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology's doctors must have invented a "vitamin" that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here's a few choice quotes from Tommy's tea time with Playboy:

On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: "I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard."

On if a plastic surgeon's scalpel has ever touched his face: "I haven’t, and I never would."

On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: "I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards."

On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): "Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, 'Fuck you! Fuck you!' Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them."

On jumping on Oprah's couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields' postpartum depression: "I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited."

On if he's keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: "What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, 'He’s avoiding it.' If I do talk about it, it becomes, 'Oh, he’s proselytizing.' Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things."

On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: "No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”

On why he's sued over shit written about him or his family: "They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, 'Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.' There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.

On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard's hard drive: "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, 'You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?' She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, 'I wrote this script.' She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special."

Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don't know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren't weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men's sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn't I ever notice that Tommy's tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?