Scientology

Now that Lindsay Lohan has been confirmed for a role in that busted wreck of a movie starring John Travolta, it was only a matter of time before he got the idea to try to convert her from her current religion, Coke-olicism, to Scientology. The story goes that the producers of Gotti: Three Generations didn't want LiLo, but John pulled his fist out of a Dominican man culito for a quick second, shook off the...um...butt placenta and used it to fight for her. John thinks he can knock LiLo's coke-craving thetans off her deep fried carcass forever! Oh, please. John just wants somebody to bond with down in the Scientology wig and weave library.

A source tells The National Enquirer (via Entertainmentwise) that LiLo has already signed up for an orientation course at the Scientology Center per John's advice, "Even though producers were hesitant to hire Lindsay because of her troubled past. Travolta assured them he'd take her under his wing. John introduced Lindsay to one of the church's top counselors and – even though she's been cast in a new role and won't play the star's daughter in the flick – she's assured him she'll still attend the series of induction classes that will make her a Scientologist."

Normally, we'd grab onto a trick like Sarah in Cliffhanger if the Scientology volcano tried to suck them in, but is this such a bad idea? Instead of using whatever is left of her money to buy White Oprah vodka enemas, her money would go towards shushing up Tommy Girl's paid boy whores. Not a bad use of money. Instead of getting fed the delusions of a crazy mother, she'd eat the delusions of a crazy alien. And she'd have to cut that crazy mother off. And AND she'd get some much-needed styling advice from Suri Cruise. And and AND there's a good chance she'd bring down the entire Scientology Center after making their strongest e-meter machine explode during her audit. I don't see a problem with this.

For the second week in a row, Kirstie Alley's Dancing with the Thetans' performance went about as smooth as John Travolta's yearly prostate exam. Kirstie crushed her Thetans last week when she hit the floor after Maksim's leg muscle quit that shit, and last night her shoe came off halfway through her waltz to the Bellagio water fountain song. Someone is trying to ruin, Kristie! (Cut to George Lopez and Xenu filling the foot of their Kirstie Alley voodoo doll with kitchen sink lard so that it swells up and pops her shoe off).

Kirstie gracefully glided out onto the stage like Ursula trying to seduce Ariel's voice out of her froat, grabbed onto Maks (who was dressed like a bus boy at Knott's Berry Farm's finest restaurant) and sprinkled the dance floor with the magical powdered sugar that flies off of her feet. Kristie then slid onto the floor and I thought she was going to pull a Slim Jim out of her shoe or some shit. But Kirstie's strap refused to cooperate and she quickly tried to fix that mess before her next move. Who ever is in charge of welding that shoe to Kirstie's foot is totally out of a job this morning.

Kirstie picked up and continued without anymore issues. The judges gave her 22 out of 30. Afterward, Kirstie joked to UsWeekly that someone is trying to Showgirls her:

"I think it's a conspiracy! I think the other girls cut my shoe!

I don't know if I handled it well or not well! When your shoe comes off, you either put it back on or you take it off, one or the other.

But seriously, I don't want to be that girl! I want to win. And I want to win by being the best! I got an 8 -- but I can't help but think if I did the dance correctly, we could have gotten some 9s. I really do want to be a good dancer and I'm working on it.

I don't want to become the mercy fuck. I want people to vote for me because I'm good. I really do!"

Kirstie could come out on stage in a Nazi uniform and tear a picture of the patron saint of everything Bea Arthur before making out with Chris Brown on the slaughtered carcass of a baby unicorn, and she'd still win the night. Kirstie is going to take this shit. Something tells me that the Scientology audits now involve calling the DWTS voting line and pressing #8 for Kirstie.

Lawrence Wright's 26-page expose on Scientology for The New Yorker has everything you want in a theatrical cunt gay drama including human-trafficking charges, Tommy Girl tantrums, slave beatings by the hand of David Miscavige, a game of musical chairs set to "Bohemian Rhapsody" and blackmail. Lawrence's piece focuses a lot on screenwriter, director and former high-ranking Scientologist Paul Haggis who checked out of L. Ron's house because they pretty much hugged and supported California's Prop 8.

Paul and Lawrence both have serious stories and you should get into that shit if you've got the time. But the one I'm telling you now comes from Josh Brolin. Josh tiptoed into the barley water gutter for a few seconds in a moment of "real desperation." Josh quickly jumped out after he realizing that he prefers his CRAZY with a lot more fun. But Josh walked away with this gem:

Brolin says that he once witnessed John Travolta practicing Scientology. Brolin was at a dinner party in Los Angeles with Travolta and Marlon Brando. Brando arrived with a cut on his leg, and explained that he had injured himself while helping a stranded motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway. He was in pain. Travolta offered to help, saying that he had just reached a new level in Scientology. Travolta touched Brando’s leg and Brando closed his eyes. “I watched this process going on—it was very physical,” Brolin recalls. “I was thinking, This is really fucking bizarre! Then, after ten minutes, Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’ ” (Travolta, through a lawyer, called this account “pure fabrication.”)

Err. Does Josh realize that he witnessed John Travolta give Marlon Brando a handjob? I'd call it "fucking bizarre" too, but I'd also called it a "fucking handjob" instead of "this process."

I guess nothing makes Thetans jump like jizz procured by the hand of a Travolta.

At the 3:23 mark above, Kelly Preston tells Today's Natalie Morales why L. Ron Hubbard wants them to swallow their words and keep their screaming to a minimum while they push a heavy human baby out of their vagina holes. The Thetans slid off of Kelly's skin and new fields of barley grew as she actually quoted L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, she actually quoted L.Ro and used the words "aberration" and "psychosomatic" in the same sentence. This shit makes me want to scream as though a BABY!!! is coming out of my nostrils, ear holes, no-no, peen hole and all the other holes I have. Kelly is serious about this shit:

"Silent birth is basically just no words, as much as possible. If you need to moan, if you cry out, you know all of that, of course that’s normal.

But just bringing them in as peaceful and gentle a way as possible because L. Ron Hubbard found the single source of aberration of psychosomatic illnesses – stress, fears, worry, things like that – have to do with the reactive mind. And in that part of the mind is different words and commands that can come back and affect you later in life.

My kids have always been amazing. Just very calm, very peaceful, happy and I absolutely know it's very much because of that."

How about we extend silent birth to silent life? Okay, no. I believe Kelly. I'm sure the reason why Scientology children are so calm is because stressful words never penetrated their brains at birth. Yes, that is why all Scientology children calm. Cut to Suri Cruise throwing a custom-made Louboutin at her personal maid for serving her ice cream that is too cold.

And if you ever hear John Travolta screeching in the saunas, poke your head into his room and let him know that if Kelly can't holler while she's pushing, then he can't holler while he's taking.

I'm not sure if this is the best thing or the worst thing for a newborn baby who has just smushed his head through the Xenu portal of life and is staring straight into the crooked lacefront of John Travolta. The Scientology birthing ritual of eating your "Mah Pussay is Exploding" screams before they come out of your mouth is widely known, but I've never heard this mess before. A source close to John Travolta and Kelly Preston tells Popeater that not only do they have to keep their mouths firmly shut in the labor room, but Scientology rules state that they shouldn't speak words to Baby Benjamin for 7 days. LRo, you crazy for this one!

Kelly tried to follow the rules of her intergalactic leader when she gave birth to her daughter Ella, but she had to quit that shit when her 13th hour of labor rolled around. But she's determined to stick with the rules this time. A source went on to say, "The couple will follow the church's guidelines during delivery. No music, no talking and no screaming will be allowed during the pains of labor. Also their new son cannot be prodded for medical tests or spoken to for the first seven days of his life. You don't want to do anything that will haunt them for the rest of their lives."

The "haunt them for the rest of their lives" part is way too easy, so let's just let it kick at itself on the floor while we watch. But back to the no talking to baby crap. On one hand, having to listen to Mama John and Auntie Tommy sing you a lullaby duet will make you beg your Thetans to take you with them when they jump ship. So the "no talking" rule works in Benjamin's favor there. However, how is Suri going to tell Benjamin what the secret password to the safe house is if she's not allowed to talk to him?!

We all know that Lois Aldrin bloomed out of a moon crater during a lunar eclipse and was brought to this planet by Buzz Aldrin, but did you know that she's got Xenu's private Skype user name in her Rolodex?

Apparently she does (she probably cranks him in the middle of the day for fun), because here's Buzz, John Travolta, his manufactured hairline and Kelly Preston basking in the celestial orb above Lois' eyebrows at last night's Hubbardpalooza (aka The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 41st Anniversary Gala) in Los Angeles.

Obviously, John and Kelly are sticking to Lois, because when Earth's final day comes and the moon children arrive to collect their empress, those two are going to hitch a ride back to space by grabbing onto her marabou feather robe. That's there back-up plan. I see you, John and Kelly!

If you care, here's a few more pictures from last night's fuckery fest which was attended by: Rush Limbaugh in drag Nancy Cartwright, Erika Christensen and Jenna Elfman.

Anderson Cooper must have turned down Tommy Girl's invitation to personally audit mah boo's asshole with his tongue, because Scientology is now madder than Suri Cruise when you tell her ass "NO!".

As some of you may know, Mah Boo has put his giggle at risk by investigating Scientology on his show for the past few years. L. Ron Hubbard's disciples have gone after Mah Boo before for fucking with them, but now they are going in for the kill (Please don't kill Mah Boo, alien people).

Gawker reports that Scientology has published an entire magazine about Mah Boo's lies. Scientologists handed free copies out in front of CNN's offices in NYC yesterday afternoon. That mess is online, but Gawker was kind enough to post the highlights for those who don't feel like getting their IP address filed into Xenu's cabinet.

He (Mah Boo) only talked to "Anti-Scientology apostates," who'd been kicked out for bad things—including sex!

* Nobody even watches his stupid show any more (because it sucks).

* AC was a prima donna and kept putting ridiculous demands on Scientology, including once canceling and interview due to an "inner ear bug." Of gayness?

* Scientologists prove that they saw a Harper's Index at least once.

* Here is a picture of Anderson Cooper dressed up as a Joker (which is what he is).
* Anderson Cooper loves terrorists.

* "Larry King was the only CNN host qualified to interview the Scientology leader." Haha.

And I think the picture they used of Mah Boo was taken right after Tommy flashed his hongray Scientolohole at him.

Insanely insane Kirstie Alley tells Ladies' Homes Journal how Scientology helped(?) her:

"Scientology helps you lose your insanities. One of the keys is to say, 'You're in charge of your life, buster. You're responsible for any condition you're in.' I've been irresponsible many, many, many times and that has resulted in me being fat."

via UsWeekly

J.D. Shaprio, the dude who wrote Battlefield Earth, issued a two-page formal apology for contributing to the barley-covered shit bomb that is L. Ron Hubbard's Ishtar! While Battlefield Earth is Xenu's favorite circle jerk porn, most of us had to eat every kind of anti-depressant on the market to get through the first hour. J.D. blames it all on his penis. Or as he calls it, his "Willy Wonker." I can't.

J.D. writes in the New York Post:

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker.

It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

J.D.'s Willy Wonker didn't meet any women, but he ended up striking up a conversation with the President of L.A.'s Scientology Center. She told J.D. that she was a fan of Robin Hood: Men In Tights (which he wrote). Karen asked J.D. if he was interested in turning any of L. Robin Hubbard's books into a movie. Instead of running into traffic, J.D. said he was interested. This led to a dinner with Scientology's pass-around-patty John Travolta, which eventually led to J.D. writing a scrip for Battlefield Earth.

A few days after I finished the script, a very excited Travolta called, told me he "loved it," and wanted to have dinner. At dinner, John said again how much he loved the script and called it "The 'Schindler's List' of sci-fi."

My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn't have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.

Um. Those "Bob Marley wigs" were made from Kirstie Alley's hard to reach taint hairs. Xenu very much.

As part of his research for the movie, J.D. went through Scientology's Purification Rundown and took part in Tommy Girl's Thetan exfoliation ceremony (which is basically just nekkid limbo).

I took a few courses, including the Purification Rundown, or Purif. You go to CC every day, take vitamins and go in and out of a sauna so toxins are released from your body. You're supposed to reach an "End Point." I never did, but I was bored so I told them I had a vision of L. Ron. They said, "What did he say?" "Pull my finger," was my response. They said I was done.

Before they started production, J.D. started getting "notes" from the producers. They wanted him to change the entire tone of his script. J.D. found out the notes came from the head hos at Scientology. When J.D. refused to change his script, they fired his ass.

Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can't help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest.

In the end, did Scientology get me laid? What do you think? No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, "I wrote Battlefield Earth!" If anything, I'm trying to figure out a way to bottle it and use it as birth control. I'll make a mint!

So there's your apology! Do with it what you will. And I'll let you know when J.D. issues a two-page apology for calling his penis his "Willy Wonker." And yes, I'm pretty sure he calls it that because his penis likes fudge. Tommy Girl's Scientohole just winked at that bit of information.

What better way to start your weekend than with a touching love story starring the rotten fruit of the UK's eye Peaches Geldof!

Over on Reddit (via Why We Protest), someone asked the question "What's your most WTF one night stand?" User Thatcoolguyben pretty much shut everyone's story down with his tale of the night he allegedly spent with (and in) Peaches Geldof! And he has proof in the form of a few pictures.

It's a long, winding, dirty journey through the sewer pipes which eventually ends in a puddle of vomit on the floor of a sauna in the Scientology Center. Glib.

If you don't have the time or the stomach for it right now, let me give you the 10-second version. Dude claims he met Peaches Geldof at a friend's apartment, did lemon-infused heroin with her, popped a Cialis to get his peen popping, did sex with her, passed out and woke up barfing all of his Thetans out in a sauna at the Scientology Center. The end. This was probably one of Peaches' tamer nights.

The complete story from the dude's fingertips is after the jump. There's also a couple of NSFW pictures of Peaches looking like the star of one of Vanilla Gorilla's wet dreams. JUMP!