Somebody in Newport Beach, CA lived out one of my fantasies last night by busting a CITIZEN'S ARREST on a bitch. That bitch was Jenna Jameson and surprisingly, she wasn't citizen's arrested for impersonating a methed-out moray eel. Jenna Jameson was arrested for allegedly beating on a trick.
TMZ says that Flotsam and Jetsam's long-lost cracked out sister was hanging out on the Balboa Peninsula when she got into some kind of altercation with someone. The altercation led to Jenna allegedly beating on that trick and that led to the trick dropping a citizen's arrest on her ass. The alleged victim then got a police officer's attention and Jenna was arrested for real. She was cited for battery and released. (Insert your own "she also needs to be cited for battering her coochie repeatedly" joke here.)
We all know Jenna Jameson as an extremely classy, law-abiding and graceful lady of elegance, so this is extremely out of character for her. Jenna's pristine reputation is tarnished forever.
But seriously, Jenna Jameson is turning 39 in a couple of days, so she's way too old to be throwing fists at whores on the boardwalk. 39-year-old mothers shouldn't be beating up bitches out in public like that. 39-year-old mothers should be drunkenly beating up another mother during her child's birthday party in her backyard. I mean, really, Jenna, grow up.
Falkor Rimes could learn a thing or five hundred from the silicone dragon flower Jenna Jameson, because this is how a real, bona fide style icon wears vinyl.
While looking like the queen of the Meth Face Prom, Jenna Jameson posed until she split a seam at her birthday party at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last night. I'm trying to figure out what's the best part of this look:
a) Jenna's bipolar titties. Jenna's right titty must be on downers, because it looks sad and it obviously wants to be alone. Jenna's left titty must be on uppers, because it looks like it's on cloud 9 and the king of the world.
b) Jenna's catsuit, which makes her look like a slutty black and white cookie.
c) Jenna's exquisite, pristine and angelic white leather camel toe.
d) Jenna's algae green hair color, which hos spend hours upon hours in the pool to get.
e) All of the above!
The answer is obviously e!
And here's more of Jenna looking like a methed-out, sun-damaged garden lizard trapped in a pile of seaweed.
Ever since Miley Cyrus took a Flowbee, electric clippers and a few gallons of peroxide to her hair, semi-famous hos think they can do it too. Case in point: noted Romney supporter Jenna Jameson.
Looking almost more broke down than Brigitte Nielsen making mouth love to a bottle of Popov vodka on a patch of grass in a Studio City park, Jenna Jameson hosted an AVN after-party at Tabu in Las Vegas last night. Jenna came out with a head full of NO. Bitch looks like a plastic snake trying to swallow the head of a cockatoo.
Jenna Jameson used to look like the charbroiled corpse of a wonk-eyed iguana, so the good news is that she doesn't completely look like that anymore. The bad news is that hair. According to my research (aka a three second Google search), Jenna Jameson was one of the first women to ever make a million dollars for sucking and fucking dick on camera. Jenna Jameson is a peen-slurping vanguard! Jenna Jameson is part of history. But yet here she is copying Miley Cyrus? This is the worst mistake Jenna Jameson has made
ever this decade this year this month this week in the past 48 hours.
When us Americans go to vote for HBIC of the US this November, I know most of us are going to ask ourselves "WIJJVF: Who Is Jenna Jameson Voting For?" before we cast our vote. Well, now you know the answer to that question. Minutes before Jenna James twerked her pussy for dollars at a strip club in San Francisco, she told CBS SF (via Gawker) that she's all in it for Mitt. Jenna endorsed Hillary Clinton during the 2008 election, but sometime between then and now she realized that voting Republican is the best thing to do for the only thing she cares about: MONAY, HONAY!
“I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office,” Jameson said while sipping champagne in a VIP room at Gold Club in the city’s South of Market neighborhood. “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”
And with that, Jenna just won Romney GOOPY Paltrow's vote too.
Obama should just play the I QUIT THIS BITCH card right now, because now that Romney has won the coveted Jenna Jameson endorsement, this shit is wrapped up. Jenna seems so happy about this decision, so nobody tell her that at one time, Mitt Romney wanted to outlaw her "gobbling dicks for dollars" game. Shh!
It wouldn't be Memorial Day weekend without dumb bitches getting into their stars n' stripes drankin' thongs, guzzling down a 12-pack of Natty Light, and driving their slutmobiles into telephones poles. God bless America, hunty.
Porn czarina Jenna Jameson got pinched for DUI last night. TMZ sez her drunk and whorey car made out with a cold and withholding telephone pole around 1:30 AM. Jenna must have failed to say her ABCs backwards so she was handcuffed on suspicion of DUI. Much like Jenna's, her car's vagine is always hungry for something long, tall and stiff.
It's a "misdemeanor suspicion of DUI" so she's probably already been released into the wild.
In her defense, I'm guessing the ABCs aren't in her repertoire anyways. She probably wasn't even drunk! Her eyes are sinking into the middle of her face so it's not like she can see the road at night times! Do we really think Jenna can't handle her hooch?
Seriously, though, call a fucking cab. Or get on the bus. We've all experienced the joys of public transportation whilst inebriated. You make so many new friends. They're fine with you making a vom puddle. They can just step over it and wish you well.
It's awesome times to be back with you sexy fucks. Whenever Michael K.'s slut ass asks me, I feel a burst in my heart. It's probably the deep-fried Yodels.
Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent never seriously came out and said that they've been rubbing their nipples against each other, but UsWeekly is saying that they were down low fuck partners at one point. Chelsea has since moved on to Uma Thurman's tossed piece, Andre Balazs, and 50 Cent has been left to clean up the broken pieces of his piggy bank heart. A source says that 50 Cent got the leaky tingles when thinking about all the things he could do with the bulging skinny peen on her forehead, but Chelsea didn't feel the same way. Chelsea took a sledgehammer to 50's open heart.
The source went on to say that Chelsea is on new dick, so when 50 sent her a bunch of gifts for Christmas, "she sent them back. She put a note on one that said, 'I can buy my own gifts.'" Chelsea and 50 were both in Sundance recently, but they stayed away from each other. 50 is still heartbroken over how Chelsea has treated him.
Fuck me with a stack of quarters. Like 50 Pennies is really having a Jennifer Aniston moment over Chelsea sending his stupid presents back? Yes, the image of 50 bundled up in his Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit and quietly weeping over a framed picture of Chelsea while nibbling on pieces of raw Pillsbury cinnamon roll dough is so real I can practically touch. Please. George Washington Squared has the attention span of an ADD-ridden toddler on crack. Anybody who has spent time on his Twitter page knows this. So 50 probably got sad for a quick minute before the screensaver in his head kicked in and he moved on to the next shit.
In other Chelsea news, Jenna Jameson Tweeted this last night:
HuffPo thinks that a "Jenna Jameson is raunchy" comment from Chelsea is what triggered this swift kick to the vag bone. But are we sure that Jenna didn't mean this as a compliment? I mean, Chelsea Handler is 35 (we're still waiting to see the receipts for that one) and Jenna Jameson is 36, so who in parched clit hell is she calling old? AND Jenna Jameson made her fortune from being one of the biggest professional whores of all professional whores. And yes, you could stuff Chelsea into a bag of dehydrated apricots at Trader Joe's and nobody would know the difference, but Jenna's pussy could get a second job at Home Depot as a rented sander. So again, this Tweet must be a "Welcome to the Club" air kiss from Jenna.
When it rains it pours for Jenna Jameson. Specifically, it rained baby barf all over her last night. Just a few days after Jenna Jameson's husband Baby Huey got arrested for allegedly getting violent on her ass, she was taken to the hospital via ambulance after one of her twin sons started spewing the insides of his stomach all over the place. You would think that Jenna is used to being sprayed...Okay, I'll stop!
Jenna tells TMZ that her son Journey started projectile vomiting at 11 at night. Jenna was home by herself, so she decided to call 911. The paramedics shuffled Jenna and her son off to the hospital, where Journey was given fluids before going home a couple of hours later. The doctors told Jenna her son probably has the stomach flu.
Hm. While the doctors think her son's vom party was a direct result of him having the flu, I think it was the exact moment he realized his name is fucking JOURNEY. Dude just couldn't hold on to that feeling.
If you stopped caring about this story two snaps after it broke, just focus on Apollonia's bodacious titty area in the picture above.
Jenna Jameson and her husband Tito Ortiz have backed away from the allegations they both made on Monday. Jenna claimed she suffered two torn ligaments after Baby Huey tossed her into a tub. Baby Huey claimed Jenna was cracked out on OxyContin at the time. Well, now lawyers for both sides have labeled it a "misunderstanding."
Jenna says: "What actually happened has now been dramatically distorted and misinterpreted and remarks that both Tito and I made after the police arrived reflect the state of shock that we were both in."
Baby Huey is now saying that he should've never accused Jenna of being high on OxyContin. He jumped to conclusions after finding two pills in the house.
A source tells TMZ that Baby Huey would've lost his UFC contract worth millions of dollars if he was charged with domestic abuse.
Baby Huey and Jenna can kindly take their bows now and exit stage left. CURTAIN DOWN. Then they need to use some of their millions to buy a handful of clues. Shit, while they're at it, they should buy me one too. Obviously, I need one since I've been posting about them over and over again during the past few days. Wait, can I trade my clue in for those two OxyContin pills?
After Tito Ortiz was arrested for allegedly whooping Jenna Jameson's ass, she brought her twin boys outside to talk to the media about the incident. If it was me, I would be inside watching the last 45-minutes of What's Love Got To Do With It for inspiration, but Jenna does things differently I guess.
Jenna said that Baby Huey tossed her into the bath tub after she said something "very hurtful to his ego." Jenna suffered two tore up ligaments in her shoulder. Jenna left for Las Vegas yesterday to get away from his ass.
After Baby Huey was released on bail, he held a press conference with his lawyer to give his side of the story. Baby Huey swears he never put his hands on Jenna. He says that she's a longtime OxyContinhead who had a relapse yesterday. Baby Huey's lawyer said:
"Jenna has been fighting a battle with OxyContin addiction for the past year. For Tito and her family this has been an uphill battle. Unfortunately this morning she had a relapse. Tito was trying to help her, she has threatened suicide before. Tito has done everything in his power to protect her privacy and the privacy of their children.
When you're dealing with people on OxyContin they don't always have the best sense of balance. Jenna and Tito have two children together, they planned on spending the rest of their lives together. They want nothing more than to work together on this."
Jenna denies she's thirsty for OxyContin and said Baby Huey's accusation is the "last nail in the coffin."
What I want to know is what did Jenna say to Baby Huey? Did she tell him that when he fucks her it feels like he's throwing a flea's leg down an airport hangar? Did she tell him that he's as hung as her belly button? Did she tell him that his jizz load smells like foie gras? This is what we need to know.
In the meantime, here's some pictures of Jenna, her father, her twinsies and their hot nanny hanging outside her house yesterday. Since Jenna has been through some shit, I will refrain from talking about how she looks like Muffy from Antz after getting the Wildenstein Special.
Jenna Jameson's husband Tito Ortiz was put into handcuffs this afternoon after he allegedly got physical on her ass during a fight. TMZ says that the police showed up to the home Tito and Jenna share with their twin kids after someone called 911 to report a disturbance.
Tito is currently sitting in a jail cell in Huntington Beach, CA. Jenna told TMZ's camera dudes that she will press charges against Tito. Jenna also said, "My babies are alright ... everything's OK .. he's in jail."
I'm probably alone on this one, but I always thought Baby Huey was a gentle giant out of the ring who named all the ladybugs in his garden and wouldn't even hurt a furry caterpillar. It seems that my ass was wrong. Roid rage is a real thing.
Baby Huey needs to take a page out of Mike Tyson's book and find solace in the pigeons. The pigeons will calm his angry ass down. Or maybe they will sense the evil in him and peck his eyes out. Whatever comes first.