Twit And Twat

I must truly hate you, because I'm going to make you listen to Heidi Montag's new song "One More Drink." I'm sorry, but I really need someone to feel my pain.

You know, I will never forgive Brit Brit for not putting this shit out first and calling it "One More DRANK." When listening to it just imagine Brit Brit singing "One Mo DRANK." It might help in making this truly awful shit go down easier.

And I thought this horsey ho didn't drink? I'm going to need at least 5 hardcore drinks after listening to this caca. Fuck, I'm going to need an open bar. Two open bars! Because bartenders always water your shit down during open bar.

This fuckery doesn't even sound human! It sounds like Rosie the Robot Maid after a few too many lemon drops.

Anyway, listen to this nonsense. This is the future of Christian music:

Source: UsWeekly

Heidi Montag, the plastic pony from "The Hills," told UsWeekly that she's planning to record a Christian album. The "non-denominational Baptist" said, "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

It gets better. Heidi said that she once planned to devote her life to missionary work in Africa. She will travel there this August to "feed children and help build things." In other news, Africa has just announced they are closing all their borders effective immediately.

And it gets EVEN better, Heidi compared herself to Jesus when talking about spreading the rumors about Lauren Conrad's sex tape, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Somewhere in Hollywood, Christopher Guest has to be sitting in a little room feeding these lines to Heidi Montag through an earpiece. There's no way this vapid skank is coming up with this kind of pure comedy on her own.

And Jesus is not amused.

Spencer Pratt has made the biggest mistake of his douche life by lashing out at the evil troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen. Spencer responded to MK telling David Letterman that she went to high school with Spencie and that he has a bad temper. That's all she said!

Well, Twatty Pratt fired back to UsWeekly, "I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

I'm sure MK is crying into her piles and piles of money. She's probably so upset that she's shitting into her piles of money. Scratch that. Evil trolls don't go doody time.

Twatty messed with the wrong evil troll. MK will get her revenge! He should stay away from bridges and large trees for a while.

"The greatest song" of Heidi Montag's life is the worst song of my life. You know Jem and the Holograms passed on this trash before Heidi took it. I don't even think this horsey bitch is singing in English! This skank needs to take a few ESL courses before trying to to sing in English. And she even tries to sing in French, but it sounds more like Pepe Le Pew talking in gibberish. It's time for Heidi to give up "music" altogether. She needs a new hobby! Snuff films, maybe?

Listen to Heidi's "Fashion" below or click here. Your ears will probably go on strike after listening to this atrocious shit, so don't be surprised if you can't hear the rest of the day.

VIA UsWeekly

What the hell kind of dumb fuck attention whore poses in front of an ATM? Wait, I just answered my own question. Twit and Twat are reportedly worth over $3 million, so we need this ATM code! It's probably something obvious like 123456 or JUGS69.

I'm mad as shit at the bank gods for not giving Heidi the BIG D at the ATM.

Is UsWeekly paying Spencer and Heidi or is it the other way around? I can't figure it out, but I'm grateful for their unholy union. This cover is amazing. UsWeekly needs to keep this shit coming. This is like a harlequin romance novel. I can't wait for the cover that reads, "Exclusive! Heidi and Spencer catch the Bubonic Plague. Their final moments together!"

The inside quotes are even better. Spencer said, "Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife.'"

Please tell me Danielle Steele and Christopher Guest are both behind this.

Thanks Rosina

It wouldn't be a holiday without one of Spencer and Heidi's totally candid photo shoots! Heidi brought her mother into the charade for a special Mother's Day shoot yesterday. I'm sorry, but I live for their amazing photo shoots. They should open up a business and help others look totally natural on special days.

I can't wait for their "Day of the Dead" photo shoot. Hopefully, they'll pose in a casket and we can bury them for good. Wait, then who will bring us these gems?

And it wouldn't be a Heidi post without pictures of her gorgeous twin sister, Chrissy Crocker.

File this under: This will ruin your day. My day has already been ruined by all the site trauma, so I'm bringing you down with me! Here's the latest from Spencie's advice column for Radar:

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it's appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."

I usually bring up anal sex seconds after meeting someone, but that's just me. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and stick chopstick in my ear to try and kill the images of Spencie putting a pinkie in Heidi's poop shoot. You know it's extra poopey.

Speaking of shit shows, The Hills got renewed for a fourth season!

Last night, I was enjoying my evening with a delicious Hostess Sno-Ball (I eat a lot of those) and a little Letterman when Heidi Montag popped up on my screen looking like a banged up homecoming queen. No, she wasn't on to take part Stupid Pet Tricks either. She was on to promote...well...fuck! I really don't know why she was on.

Heidi talked about that stupid sex tape thing and how their show isn't fake. What I really wanted her to talk about was why she's such a dumb bitch. Honestly, this sex tape shit is so stupid. It's a fake sex tape starring fake people that was not made to promote a fake reality show. I'm confusing myself. Heidi and Spencer's douche faces do that to me sometimes.

I guess this is why Letterman is paid the big bucks. He's forced to deal with plastic twats like this. At least he knew her name. I was expecting him to call her Paris Jameson Reid. All those hos are the same.

Click here to see all the clips of Chrissy Crocker Heidi on Letterman. Only watch them if you need to punish yourself for something you did earlier.

This right here sums up why many countries hate America. Heidi and Spencer could definitely be the poster children of the "Hate America" campaign. They are totally living the American dream. Only in America can two dumb whores with the combined IQ of a dirty tampon become rich and famous. Well, two dumb whores can become rich and famous in the UK too (Katie & Peter). Too be perfectly honest, I think I'm falling under their spell. They are so fucking ridiculous that it's kind of amazing. And the best part is that they are totally serious about it. It's like not they are being ironic. I don't think they even know the meaning of that word.

Here's our greatest American heroes giving one of their infamous planned candid photo shoots in DC. I've also thrown in Heidi's twin sissy Chrissy Crocker. She ran all over Robertson Blvd. with a special message for Perez. Hey, it could have been worse. She could have written the message on her power bottom ass.