Twit And Twat

Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a giant joint floating down from heaven with Bob Marley riding on top of it. Breathe it in and hold it! Bob Marley is here to gently touch the fool who said Spencer Twatt is the "King of Weed" and free him of THE GIFT. I'm talking about the gift that is getting stoned. Seriously, the giant used anal bead who said that should never ever be allowed to feel the warm embrace of the green cloud ever again. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE (copyright: Kanye West).

The moron told Star Magazine that the breathing maxi-pad is a major pot head, "He was smoking it every day. He always had a big bag and would share with everyone. He was the King of Weed!”

Twatty also had a problem with dolls, specifically Valium, and went to a rehab facility in Arizona to break the habit. When he busted out, he went right back to the good shit. The friend added, "One day, he walked in on a party and pulled out a bag of pot and said, ‘'We are soooooo getting stoned! No one thought much of it, because at least he was staying away from pills."

Twatty's obviously not smoking up enough, because he's still a major asshole. Lube up and sit on your bong, Twatty. Maybe that will help. Ugh. Can you imagine smoking out with this giant pube bush? He's the reason why some people call weed a "gateway drug." Because after a few seconds with him, you'll realize that weed isn't enough and you'll start injecting your eyeballs with schmack.

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you're going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single "Blackout." The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain't even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can't even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn't get near these two assholes. It said, "I'll fucking pass" and moved right along.

And you thought only Horsey Montag's songs could make your ears attempt suicide? Well, you better clear the room of any sharp objects, because Spencer Twatt has a new "rap song" under the stage name "The Great White TRASH." This suckery is being used to promote his new reality shit show I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Skat Kat's ass lips rap better than Fleshy McPubestache. I swear. Can we get Suge Knight on this NOW?!

Spencer debuted the song on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM show this morning. If you feel like you need a reason to kick a kitten, click here. I blame Vanilla Ice for this.

File this under: Why am I even wasting bandwidth on this hot-blooded douchery? Yeah, brilliant question. I'm just doing this crap to get it out of my inbox and into the compost pile where it belongs.

Yesterday afternoon, those of you that live in the Los Angeles area were probably wondering why the air smelled like a dirty tampon lying in a dumpster on a scorching hot August afternoon. The answer is simple: Heidi and Spencer got "married" in Pasadena for like the ten millionth time or something. Surprisingly, the activists that believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman did not picket this wedding! I mean, this was not a wedding between a man and a woman. Shit, it wasn't even a wedding between a human and a human.

I won't make you dry heavey with the details. I'm sure you just want to know if either a) they both turned into a pile of ass dust after kissing in a church, b) a flock of doves pecked their eyes out as they left the church or c) instead of tossing the bouquet, both Heidi and Spencer tossed their reproductive organs into a pit filled with hongray wolves. None of these things happened, because the world is a cruel and ugly place.

If you are really hating yourself this morning and want to see pictures, just google "I should be shot for googling this" and VOILA!

Who is the biggest queef in this picture? I really can't decide. The only thing missing is the smoke monster from Lost directly behind them ready to pounce. And by the look on Spencer Twatt's face, his yes-yes is getting a visit from a fisty friend. Blago is guilty as charged!

This is a promo picture for NBC's reality shit show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. Yes, this is a picture released by the network in order to get you to watch these people on your television. This picture is about as enticing as....well....as a reality show starring these three completely full barf bags.

NBC announced 7 of the 10 "celebrities(???)" that will tossed in the middle of a jungle in Costa Rica. So far, the cast includes Twit, Twat, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley and Torrie Wilson. Basically, the "who's who WHO no really WHO?!" of Hollywood. Blago was supposed to be a part of the cast, but a judge ixnayed that plan. NBC says they will use Blago in some way even though he can't go to Costa Rica. Hopefully, they are saving him for the spin-off, "Somali Pirate Master."

Here's some pictures from today's press conference about this mess. When Janice D is the most famous person in a show, you know there's a problem.

The biggest famesluts who ever roamed this earth are getting married this weekend WITHOUT securing the exclusive picture rights with a celebrity weekly. If Twit and Twat do ANYTHING and a tabloid isn't there to capture the queef-inducing moment, did it really happen? Shallow thoughts.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that UsWeekly, People, InTouch, Life & Style, the Summer's Eve marketing department and Horse & Hound all refused to pay the amount these two fart bubbles wanted. The only magazine that offered up anything was OK!, but Heidi and Spencer turned that deal down. Instead, they are going to get a photo agency to take all the pictures which they will sell to all the weeklies. A source said, “They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing."

If anybody pays more than a crotch nugget for this puketorial, then they paid too much! Besides, this wedding is going to be as real as the first one. The last time I checked, a peroxide-eating dildo and a special needs dwarf pony couldn't legally get married in California.

And if anybody has Mother Nature's weekend phone number, please call her up and let that bitch know we're going to need an F5 tornado to crash that party.

That's how long it took me to hit the CLT+ALT+IQUITTHISBITCH command on this lukewarm pile of absolutely horrificness. And of course it comes to us from the walking puss-filled ass wart known as Heidi Montag. Seriously, my ears were about to crawl into my head to escape this slaughter. I can't even call this music. This is a terrorist attack and should be treated as such! Every day is April Fool's for this piece of chewed off scab.

Ryan Gaycrest attacked humanity this morning by debuting Heidi's "Look How I'm Doing" on his KIIS-FM show. More like Look How I'm Doody (GONG!). This might be the first time that every effect on a Playskool Magic Keyboard has been used on a "song." And it also makes sense that Heidi sounds like she's getting a train ran on her while "singing" this mess, because that's what she had to do to get this fuckery made.

You will need to cleanse your ears, so allow Top Design's Wisit to wash away the ugliness you just listened to.

This shit right here really needs no explanation. It's Monday morning, so your face probably looks exactly like the face on some of these dog friends. This is what "I HATE LIFE" face looks like. My dog pretty much makes the same face whenever I put some sort of costume on his ass for my own entertainment. And then I quickly take it off, because I get scared that he's going to bite off my face while I sleep as punishment for humiliating him. But if the costume is satiny, he doesn't mind it so much. Actually, he kind of likes it. The silkiness against his nalgas must make him feel like a real hot bitch.

Notice the pooch in the 5th thumbnail below. He's wearing satiny shit and it's making him smile! Anyway, here's a bunch of dogs in Christmas outfits at Animal Fair Magazine's Toys for Dogs party in NYC the other night.

I also threw in a few pictures of two mangy alley dogs sitting with Santa in L.A. on Saturday. I did this as a warning to any of you who may come in close contact with them. Don't touch them! These two flea bags obviously have rabies. Where is the dog catcher when you need him?

Why the fuck was Tommy Girl on The Hills' after-show last night? Why the fuck does The Hills even have an after-show? Actually, why the fuck does The Hills even exist at all?

Only Satan knows the answers to these questions and he's smoking a bowl with a Spaghetti Cat (he's everywhere) right now, so we'll have to ask him later.

Yes, Tommy Girl's desperation led him to The Hills' after-show last night to give marriage advice to Spencer Pratt. Isn't that special? From one fake husband to another. When asked about what he thought about Heidi and Spencer fake eloping, he said, "If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding. It's a special occasion, and she'll remember it forever. Spencer... dude... you'll realize this later."

Tommy forgot to advise Spencer to switch Heidi's brain with a robot hard drive. Correction: just a slip a robot hard drive in Heidi's head, because she doesn't have a brain.

It looked like Tommy really wasn't aware of Spencer existence, but I'm sure it was love at first sight. You could tell Tommy's Scientolohole started chomping like a Hungry Hungry Hippo when they showed him Spencer's pic. Fleshy beards really do it for him. Heidi better be ready to fight for her fake husband, because Tommy is going to make Spencer his next wife.

And here's a few pictures of Tommy on MuchOnDemand yesterday. I can smell Tommy's panty pudding from here. He's pinching himself because he can't believe one of his wet dreams actually came true.

Do you Twit take Twatty's fleshy beard to be yours for at least another 15 minutes? GROSS! I'm actually kind of shocked that Heidi and Spencer managed to get married without at least 30 staged photo shoots leading up to the nauseating day. I mean, where were all the "Twit and Twat go to the caterers" or "Twit and Twat go to pre-wedding counseling with their priest" shoots? Or better yet the "Twit and Twat get their genitals cut off so they can never procreate" photo shoot, because she's looking a little on the preg-preg-pregnant side. I can't even type that shit! If she is carrying the spawn of Spencer, then it really is time for the world to end. That's it, we had good run, but this madness cannot go on! Jesus, please push the button!

Anyway, everyone's least favorite famewhore douchebags eloped on November 20th in Mexico and UsWeekly just happened to be there to document the whole thing....and give them a big bag of cash as a wedding present. If you're feeling a little bloated this week, then just flip through this magazine and you'll shit and barf up everything in your system at once. Bloat gone!

Visit ONTD to see the rest of the pictures and equally gross quotes. I'm feeling like I should go and lay my head on the toilet for a few fucking lifetimes.