While wearing Demi Moore's old crotch shrub on his face and neck, Shia LaBeouf went on The Late Show last night to promote some movie and he had to a few words to say about the douche fight with Alec Baldwin that got him fired from the Broadway play Orphans. During the first week of rehearsals, Shia rubbed Alec the wrong way and vice versa, and since nobody likes the smell of hemorrhoid friction, LaDouche was fired. Shia then released a bunch of emails between him, the director, the producer and the cast. David Letterman asked Shia about the feud last night and he kind of sort of explained it.
Letterman: So why did you get fired?
Shia: I think because me and Alec had tension as men, not as artists, but as men. That became a hard thing to deal with. When you've got tension as men, that's tough till July. It's cool for increments, but I think to do that for a long period of time would be tough.
Letterman: Had you known Alec before?
Shia: I met Alec briefly before we started.
Letterman: How would you describe your relationship with him now?
Shia: I hope it's pretty good. He's a great actor and I wish him the best of luck.
Letterman: Now can I suggest a couple scenarios? Alec went to the producers and said, 'I can't take it another day, fire him.'
Shia: I think that might've been what happened.
Letterman: Really? No, I just made that up.
Manly tension? What kind of prehistoric age shit? Shia makes it sound like he and Alec grunted at each other, bumped chests and then had a contest to see who could club and bring back the woman with the biggest child bearing hips. (Actually, that's exactly what happened, I'm sure). But seriously, manly tension is the best kind of tension. Shia and Alec just didn't know how to handle it. When you've got too much manly tension in the room, bring out the lube (or the jar of cooking grease from under your kitchen sink), clean out your asses and lay down the plastic tarp. Break that tension on each other's butts. Tom Cruise knows what I'm talking about, because it's how he handles all disputes with other men.
On the right is middle weight boxing champion Peter Quillin and on the left is light weight douche champion Shia LaBeouf. Peter and Shia are currently working out in the same gym together and Peter Instagrammed (via Towleroad) this picture after somebody in the room shouted, "Chiefs gone wild! Show me your tits!"
For a while now, Shia has been looking like a generic version of Edward Norton in American History X and now he really looks like a generic version of Edward Norton in American History X. I never know if I'm into it or not. I mean, there is something about a millionaire asshole who does himself up like a fresh-out-of-prison blue collar worker even though he doesn't know how to operate a manual lawn mower and probably has a $3,000 espresso machine in his modern Italian kitchen. I bet that when Shia gets out of his marble steam shower, he sprinkles organically grown fleas on his beard and sprays himself down with lab-made homeless man sweat to really authenticate his whole hipster hobo look.
And I'd suck off a metal trash can if it had a peen, so yeah, I'd hit it like Shia hitting a wall during play rehearsal.
Here's some pics of Shia and his piece Mia Goth looking fresh, clean and happy in NYC the other day. Shia looks like a low-level member of the Russian mafia who kidnapped the underage daughter of a loading dock supervisor, because her father refuses to approve a crate full of drugs coming in from overseas. (Yes, I'm one of the only hos watching Red Widow.) So far the low-level Russian mafia member has been treating her nice, but judging by the pained looks on her face, he hasn't let her take a dump since 6 rest stops ago and he keeps giving her coffee!
Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn't the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia's face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here's what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:
"I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks."
With that, Shia should've taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he's keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play's director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here's one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:
"Don't be too surprised if Alec doesn't look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he's not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don't want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, 'Oh, I guess he's just going to read it.'"
And here's an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:
Alec - That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I'm so fucking tired.
Shia - I'm a hustler. I don't get tired. I'm 26, chief.
Alec - Listen, boy. I'm not your fuckin' chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let's go.
Shia - Yes, sir.
Daniel - I think he's nervous.
Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it "I'm Not Your Fuckin' Chief." And "I'm a hustler, I don't get tired" sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.
Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but "Beef Squasher" is John Travolta's Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!
And here's LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.
Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old "creative differences" excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.
A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia's "performance choices" and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn't keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone's responses. Shia's email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he's the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:
“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.
A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.
He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. - Shia.”
A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, "Hit the brakes, Shia!"
UPDATE: Shia LaDouche's "a man" monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!
And here's Alec's response. It's best if you read this in Michael Caine's voice, because I'm pretty sure this is one of Alfred's speeches from Batman:
“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”
Shia responded with, "Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You'll be great."
And Tom Sturridge responded with:
“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”
I think what Tom really meant to write was, "Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you're smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I'm going to need your dealer's number."
And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:
“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“
Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren't all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you're a character in a superhero movie. "You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should've listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
And since we've gone this far, let's go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here's Shia's audition video:
Shia LaBeouf quit humping Karolyn Pho a quick minute ago and he's already smearing his unpasteurized peen fromage all over the body of his new girlfriend, 19-year-old Mia Goth. Shia met Mia while shooting Lars Von Trier's art porn Nymphomaniac, and I guess she just couldn't get enough of the five layer dip under his foreskin, because they're dating for real now. Shia and Mia (possible couple names: MiShi, ShiMi, Shith, Shit Mi, Filthy Bums, etc....) spread their hobo love in L.A. yesterday. They look like a broke down, low-budget version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. Shia looks like a serial killer vagrant who lives in a tent in the woods and hangs out in front of Rite-Aid during the day, and she looks like the 15-year-old he kidnapped from her family's trailer.
But more importantly, for where are homegirl's brows? Did they jump off of her face when she made out with Shia for the first time? Did Shia's crotch crustaceans crawl up to her face and eat them? If Shia cared about Mia at all, he'd give her some brows. Dude has Demi Moore's vintage muff on his face so he has more than enough hair to give Mia for some eyebrows. If you truly care about a trick, don't let her go outside with no brows.
Just when I was starting to stupidly think that Shia LaBeouf's hotness was slowly surpassing his natural doucheness, he goes and commits an act against all that is holy.
Wearing half of hell's official uniform, Shia pumped gas in Los Angeles the other day. A CROC on its own looks like Lucifer's anal canal and adding a sock takes it unholy levels of NO. Shia obviously subscribes to the hipster theory that the uglier it is, the more high fashion it is. This is only the beginning. Brace your eyeballs, because soon we'll see hundreds of hipsters marching on the dirt of Coachella with tube socks and CROCs on their feet. This is worse than socks with Adidas sandals. And Shia just had to complete the trinity of evil by wearing jorts. I hate him for this.
And yes, I just blasted a dude for his sense of style while wearing a cardigan, pocket-less sweats (Note: Buying pocket-less sweats is the dumbest thing I've ever done. Where am I supposed to put my fun size Snickers wrappers when I eat Halloween candy on the sofa each night?), a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and plaid socks. But at least I'm not wearing CROCs! I mean, I want to go heaven after all.
And now for a memo from the desk of a douche...
Slapping the robot hand that feeds caviar and diamonds all started with Megan Fox who compared Michael Bay to Hitler and said a bunch of other ridiculous things about the movie franchise that made her millions of dollars. Then Shia LaDouche joined in on the Transformers hate. Then the other day, Hugo Weaving, who was the voice of Megatron, told Collider that the Transformers job was completely meaningless and was just a check. Here's a piece of what Hugo said:
That’s a weird job for me because it honestly was a two-hour voice job, initially. I was doing a play and I actually didn’t have time, anyway. It was one of the only things I’ve ever done where I had no knowledge of it, I didn’t care about it, I didn’t think about it. They wanted me to do it. In one way, I regret that bit. I don’t regret doing it, but I very rarely do something if it’s meaningless. It was meaningless to me, honestly. I don’t mean that in any nasty way. I did it. It was a two-hour voice job, while I was doing other things. Of course, it’s a massive film that’s made masses of money. I just happened to be the voice of one of the iconic villainous characters. But, my link to that and to Michael Bay is so minimal. I have never met him. I was never on set. I’ve seen his face on Skype. I know nothing about him, really. I just went in and did it.
I don't think what Hugo said is that bad. Hugo's basically saying a check is a check, but Michael Bay didn't like it at all. Michael Bay took a little time out from masturbating with nitroglycol on a stick of dynamite to write an open letter (which his ass has since deleted) to whiners like Shia, Megan and Hugo who are crying about having a job that pays a crap load.
Do you ever get sick of actors that make $15 million a picture, or even $200,000 for voiceover work that took a brisk one hour and 43 minutes to complete, and then complain about their jobs?
With all the problems facing our world today, do these grumbling thespians really think people reading the news actually care about trivial complaints that their job wasn’t “artistic enough” or “fulfilling enough”? [...] What happened to people who had integrity, who did a job, got paid for their hard work, and just smiled afterward? Be happy you even have a job — let alone a job that pays you more than 98% of the people in America.
I have a wonderful idea for all those whiners: They can give their “unhappy job money” to a wonderful Elephant Rescue. It’s the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Africa. I will match the funds they donate.
Hugo Weaving was Mitzi Del Bra, so he usually can do no wrong, but I hate him, Megan and Shia right now for making me agree with a pea-headed twat who thinks it's okay to wear an all-white, cotton and linen ensemble out in public. Can somebody please tell Michael Bay that wearing an outfit like that is only okay if you're a waiter at Diddy's white party, a Caribbean nurse or an orderly at a gay mental hospital. I hate them all for making me agree with Michael Bay.
That said, Michael needs to fist himself in the mouth for acting like he cares elephants. I'm sure that seconds after he finished watching Dumbo for the first time, he thought to himself that it would've been so much better if Dumbo exploded at the end.
Since Shia LaDouche is really method, he's forever farting out douche dingles from his mouth to prepare himself for the day he plays the title role in The Summer's Eve That Never Ends: The Shia LaDouche Story. That explains what came out of Shia's mouth when he talked to The Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) about why he stopped humping on Carey Mulligan. Carey didn't dump Shia because she was sick of spraying RAID on her chocha every time they bumped parts. Carey also didn't dump Shia because she woke up one day, smelled the dirty douche water and realized that's not what she wanted to do with her life anymore. Shia says that they broke up, because Carey wanted a wedding ring on her finger and babies in her belly.
"Carey is not just an actress, she is a great human being, a sweet girl and super intelligent. Our thing came down to not having compatible work/lifestyles. We were always travelling, and had sensibility differences that weren't conducive to living with one another. I'm harder on myself and my surroundings than she is, and we had a culture shock in terms of meeting her parents and vice versa. Sensibilities, cultures, histories. There were differences, that's all.
She's happy as hell right now, and we wouldn't have been able to make it like that. She was chasing marriage, family, kids more than I was. I'm not opposed to marriage. I just think I'm quite young. I come from divorce. I'm only doing marriage once. It's not a game for me. I'm not a religious person, but I have ethics."
Okay, okay, I take back what I said about that quote being just another dehydrated menstrual berry spat out by Shia. Shia actually did a good thing for Carey. It's always nice when you don't have to stretch your muscles by dodging a greasy bullet because the greasy bullet did you a major favor by dodging you instead. A real act of kindness.
I know you didn't think it was possible for Shia LaDouche to get even more hardcore and method, but he has. Soon, some poor actress will reconsider her choices in life when she watches the crotch critters jump off of Shia's dirty dick bush while he does sex on her for real in Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac, but that won't be the first time he has gotten real for his art.
Shia guzzled down moonshine for real like his character in Lawless does, and for his new movie The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, he really tripped out on acid just like his character does. Watching the last Transformers shit show was like sitting in the middle of the brown eye of the worst acid trip ever, so at least Shia feels my pain now.
Shia told USA Today (via Vulture) that just like how Sean Penn actually strapped himself into the chair in Dead Man Walking, he tries to get inside the head of his characters by doing the same shit they do. Move out of the way, because we've got a real badass here:
"There's a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there's a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to."
Up until now, I thought the last thing we needed was a remake of The Piano, but can Hollywood please fart out a remake of The Piano and can they please cast Shia LaDouche in the Holly Hunter role? That way Shia can finally shut his shit-filled talk hole for five seconds. And because, I kind of want to see Shia do it old timey missionary-style with Harvey Keitel.
Every ho, including this ho, is talking about Liberty Ross making her first red carpet appearance at the Lawless premiere in Hollywood last night, but everybody should be talking about how Shia LaDouche's mother, Shayna LaBeouf, and her ultra glamorous guest tucked every young bitch in by showing up looking like this. When Shayna shows up to a party with her gold gladiator heels on, that's every youngins' cue to turn on the night light, pull the sheet up to their neck and go to bed, because she's got this.
Just like Shayna's guest's hair, my body is sweeping to the side and is about to fall off its chair from being exposed to this kind of style. Shia might be a dirty douche bottle full of dick cheese, but he doesn't tell lies. Shayna really is an ethereal angel.
I'm just surprised that the skin of Shia's girlfriend Karolyn Pho hasn't lightened three shades from always standing in Shayna's glamorous shadow.
UPDATE: Right after I finish writing this update I'm going to punish myself by watching Kim Kardashian's sex tape in its entirety, because the side swept silver beauty with Shayna is one of the 3 Golden Sisters. Not recognizing a HS goddess is the worst crime of all.