Shia LaDOUCHE

Shia LaDouche and the Kingdom of the Cracked Skull played on the streets of Vancouver over the weekend when Even Stevens took several blows to the head from a fat, hairy, topless dude. Yes, that does sound like the disappointing grand finale of a 2-star gay porn that will leave sitting up in bed with your laptop on your bare thighs, peach lotion in your hands, a light shade of azure covering your nutsack and a Post-It note tacked to the outside of your brain reminding you to never trust the porn recommendations of a friend whose go-to fap material is a scene from Fight Club. There's nothing worse than the walk of shame from your bed to the bathroom when you've got nothing (read: cum hands) to show for it except for a lotion-stained laptop and a frowning peen hole. Moving on...

Shia LaBeouf's resume just got another line added to it under: extracurricular douchetivities. Shia's impressive credits already include a DUI, a drunken meltdown in the middle of a Walgreens, a handful of bar brawls and outside of Cinema Public House in Vancouver he added "get face checked by a drunk fat bitch" to that list. TMZ says that Shia got into a brawl of words with the punch thrower inside of the bar and after they were both kicked out, the hairy dude ripped off his shirt and went after him. That fat bitch punched Shia like he was a plain salad with no blue cheese dressing.

(Side note: Why do assbags always have to rip their shirts off before they issue a beatdown? It's like the dick bag equivalent of the Hulk t-shirt rip. Do they think it makes their stupid asses look scarier? Or maybe they don't have an in-unit washer dryer, so they're not about to add another piece of clothing to their laundromat pile because they got the blood of Shia on it. I can understand that.)

Shia was finally saved by a poking crutch and another dude who really wanted to hug the rage out of him. Radar says that before this fight, Shia got into two other bar brawls at two different places.

Shia, get yourself together, girl! Doesn't Shia know that every time he guzzles the sweet nectar to the point that it brings out the skid mark rage in him, his hot sessy mother has to grab him by the ear, drag him home and spank the foolery right out of his naked nalgas?! Oh, wait. So that's what this is all about!

There are some douchefucks who should really get nipple-burning drunk in the comfort of their own bedroom closets so they can punch at the walls, rage scream at the air, spray saliva at their coats and act like a total asshole trash dick without making everyone else have a shit time. Shia LaDouche is one of those drunks. The Box in L.A. got a tool shower when Shia LaDouche showed up on Friday night and started spraying water like a douchebag that just sprung a leak.

A witness type tells Life & Style that Shia became a bottle-nosed douche dolphin as soon as he sat at a table with Marilyn Manson and a lady friend who was probably his girlfriend Karolyn Pho. The witness explained Shia's squirtin' show like this:

"Shia picked up a water bottle and shot a mouthful of water all over his seated date's legs. Then he put more water in his mouth and started spitting it all over his tablemates, including Marilyn Manson. He seemed wasted.

People started taking their seats in front of the stage at the event, but all of a sudden Shia started shouting at his date and getting visibly angry. Then he headed for the door. He lunged through the very thick seated crowd, and the crowd pleaded with him and encouraged him to sit down. They tried to hold him back -- but he kept struggling through."

Shia had to climb over people and tear himself out of the grasp of various strangers who were trying to keep him from going crazy. His date panicked and ran out after him. Marilyn looked shocked and annoyed but stayed seated. Shia and the girl did not return."

It was so insane -- he just had a total meltdown right in front of everyone. It was completely out of control. He was so angry and physical. He was determined to get out of there."

HURRICANE SHIA! Category: Asshole! Shia can't control his water or his damn booze. The funny thing is that instead of Shia spitting out water at people, the people around him should've spit water at him since bitch could use a shower.

Well, at least you know that if you're ever about to get a blow job from Shia, bring a splash guard, because dude's a sprayer!

Apparently, not every celebrity in Hollywood knows each other like that. Case in point: Shia LaDouche and Joe Jonas passed each other outside of a restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday and not one of them said a word to each other. Even if Joe didn't recognize Shia as thee Shia LaDouche, he could've at least pulled out a dollar and handed it to the raggedy walking muff ball who looks like a dirt-eating forest hobo. What a RUDE QUEEN that Joe Jonas is.

You know, I don't think it's a coincidence that this suspect scene looks exactly like you on the street when you run into the one-nighter who cried after he couldn't get his dick fuck-ready and then plugged up your toilet while taking a stage fright shit. The "don't look, didn't happen" face Joe is making gives it away. Oh, those two.

This will come as no surprise to you sluts as this is the biggest DUH excuse given to your lovah when asked about humping on someone else’s fuck parts during a BREAK UP PERIOD, but supposedly the Fox was on hiatus from licking on her now husband Brian Austin Green when she supposedly waxed LaDouche's pocket monkey.

In response to an internet FRENZY, a nosy bitch-type (Megan texting via a prepaid ghetto phone) working on the set of the first two Transformer movies told US Weekly, “It was when Megan and Brian broke up, they had a 10-month break before getting back together.” Detective Latoya, please sit down.

On again off again relationships are somewhat familiar to me, so let me just clue you in on the five words that will save your ass in a pinch “WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!” You’re welcome (it doesn’t work).

Transformers 3: Rise of Michael Bay's Ego comes out this weekend and so you know what that means! It's that time when Shia LaBeouf gargles out a million dirty vagina by launching dozens of douche-laden nuggets off of his tongue. During an interview with Details Magazine, the Oedipus of douchebags threw Shiarrhea at Oliver Stone, embraced his assholeness and basically admitted that his dick tip once touched the philosophical poon of Megan Fox.

On if he's ever humped on Megan Fox: "Look, you're on the set for six months, with someone who's rooting to be attracted to you, and you're rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen."

On if she was with Brian Austin Green at the time: "I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. . . It was what it was."

On being an asshole: "I would like to be George Clooney– diplomatic. I just don't have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, 'I don't want to take a picture.' And if that's the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn't ask."

On Oliver Stone and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: "He's trying to play nice. But for a movie like Wall Street that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn't what people were looking for."

Maybe Shia licked on the blow hole of a half-deflated inner tube that he nicknamed Megan Fox, but I refuse to believe that his nuts ever swept across the land that David Silver conquered. Shia gave himself away when he said that we can see the chemistry onscreen. This just goes to show you that Shia permanently lives inside a bubble of delusion. I mean, human chemistry in a Transformers movie?! Crazy talk. The CGI Transformers had more chemistry with each other than Megan and Shia did. That's like a shellacked hemorrhoid having chemistry with a dehydrated crotch berry.

Shia almost sounds like me when I tell my friends that Mah Boo Anderson Cooper giggles at my jokes (when I really mean is that I recorded Mah Boo's giggle to my iPhone and play it whenever I make a joke).

I bet Shia's just tyring to make his mom jealous.

It's no surprise to hear that feminist icon and prolific philosopher Megan Fox had issues working with Michael Bay who seems like the type who has a hard time communication with women unless they're made out of cardboard. So what Shia LaDouche told the L.A. Times about Megan Fox leaving the Transformers franchise isn't exactly earth-shattering news, but the way he puts it is pretty hilarious.

Shia is basically saying that what Michael Bay looks for in an actress is a Real Doll who operates via voice command, because he's too busy finger banging his b-hole and jacking his peen over the explosive special effects to operate a remote control. And Megan Fox refuses to be treated like a piece of silicone ass.

“Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael, who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women.

Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s summer. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Fox] never got comfortable with it. This is a girl who was taken from complete obscurity and placed in a sex-driven role in front of the whole world and told she was the sexiest woman in America. And she had a hard time accepting it. When Mike would ask her to do specific things, there was no time for fluffy talk. We’re on the run. And the one thing Mike lacks is tact. There’s no time for [LaBeouf assumes a gentle voice] ‘I would like you to just arch your back 70 degrees.’

Rosie [Megan Fox's replacement] comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different."

There are so many subtle shank pokes at Michael worth noting, but I have to give all my attention to SPICE GIRL STRENGTH! Is Shia really using the Spice Girls as an example of feminism. He's right. I've always seen the lyrics to Wannabe as the official feminist oath. And I bet Shia thinks Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort is an icon for gay rights (which he totally is).

Shia brings up a good idea, though. Feminist and Armani panty model Megan Fox should totally join the Spice Girls, because I've always thought they would be so much better if they had a Smart Slut Spice.

Here's Shia LaBeouf rollin' with the homes (or maybe he's making like a blind zombie) while airing his nips out with his girlfriend Karolyn Pho in L.A. You know, Shia has never stirred me like that. But there's something about a greasy stick of hipster who looks like he should be playing a washboard on a raised porch during a flood party that does things to me. Imagine the jingle jangle sound of his keys scraping against the floor boards when he pulls his high waters down to his ankles and hits you from the back while biting into a fried chicken drumstick. That is the true sound of romance. And the true look of romance is fried chicken crumbs on your ass cheeks.

Yes. Yes, I would!

Shia LaBeouf has a reputation to uphold as the scrappy Boo-Boo Bear of Hollywood who has the ragey spirit of Russell Crowe, so as you may know he got into a bar brawl on Friday night. Now Radar has a riveting video from the scene (above) and the EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE details from the other asshole involved in the beef with LaBeef. And every word that comes out of Mark Mastro's douche hole makes you inch closer and closer to Shia's side.

Mark says that he's always been a fan of Shia's work ("Dude, I loved you in Even Stevens!") and so when he saw him boozing at Mad Bull's Tavern in Sherman Oaks, he took a seat at his table without an invitation and asked for an autograph. Mark explains, "My girlfriend saw Shia, and told me. I wanted to get a picture with him so I went over to his table, sat down next to him, and told him I was a fan of his. I called him Mr. LeBeouf. He didn't want anything to do with me. He said he just wanted to chill and refused to do a photos. I walked away."

A little while later, Mark and one of his friends were out on the front patio of the bar when Shia came waltzing out. Mark's friend said "what's up" to Shia and he told them to fuck off. Mark then called Shia a "fucking faggot," which was LaBeef's cue to curse them all out and charge at them. Shia got in Mark's face and chest-bumped him. You know, because the best way to prove that you're not into man-on-man action is to touch nipples with another dude while getting heated in the head. I came.

Mark says that's when the bouncer bounced in and put Shia in a headlock. A cop happened to be driving by and so he stopped to put Shia in handcuffs. Shia was later released and no arrests were made.

So Mark rudely interrupted Shia's sweet nectar time and then he called him a fucking faggot? Trying not to sound like a dumb fuck asshole: Mark is doing it totally wrong. That being said, Shia needs to sit on a bong and turn down the RAGE. If Shia really wanted to get those assholes off his dick, he should've just pulled out his phone and played one of his movies for them. That'll clear the room faster than Jessica Simpson farting into a fan. That's how you really win a fight.

Video via ONTD

The douche nectar that flows through Shia LaBeouf's veins reaches a boiling point when mixed with booze and that's exactly what happened last night Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA. Oh, Shia is still that dick bag boyfriend you just know you're going to be pulling off of another asshole (and not in a sexy way) during a bar fight co-sponsored by the sweet nectar and potent testosterone.

Both Hollyscoop and TMZ say that Shia Saide LaBeouf was briefly put into handcuffs by the LAPD after he got into a bar brawl that was probably more exciting than the last Transformers movie. There's two sides to this mess of a story. Witnesses at the bar tell TMZ that Shia started acting the fool and got punched in the face by a dude who wasn't having it. But Shia's friends say that he was jumped while leaving the bar. Damn. Paying to see Indiana Jones 4 felt like a double punch to the wallet, but there's no need to return the favor. Or is there?

The police questioned every drunk bitch involved in the fight and later released Shia back into the wild.

Shia + booze + other people will always equal police sirens. Shia was busted a few years ago for DUI and he was also arrested for being an asshole outside of a Walgreens. Shia just needs to put down the bottle, pick up the bong and cool his ass. Or he needs to pay closer attention during fight training so he can actually get a punch in during all these bar fights. Where the hell was Harrison Ford when Shia really needed him?

Here's Shia LaBeouf giving his bottle-nosed nipples some air on the set of Transformers Tres in L.A. yesterday. I'll just save all of us some time on this Friday night and say, I'd hit it until we heard the sound of the garage door opening and his mom pulled into the driveway. Hell, I'd even massage his raisin fingers with aloe vera after he finished sucking his thumb.