Shia LaDOUCHE

Here's Shia LaBeouf rollin' with the homes (or maybe he's making like a blind zombie) while airing his nips out with his girlfriend Karolyn Pho in L.A. You know, Shia has never stirred me like that. But there's something about a greasy stick of hipster who looks like he should be playing a washboard on a raised porch during a flood party that does things to me. Imagine the jingle jangle sound of his keys scraping against the floor boards when he pulls his high waters down to his ankles and hits you from the back while biting into a fried chicken drumstick. That is the true sound of romance. And the true look of romance is fried chicken crumbs on your ass cheeks.

Yes. Yes, I would!

Shia LaBeouf has a reputation to uphold as the scrappy Boo-Boo Bear of Hollywood who has the ragey spirit of Russell Crowe, so as you may know he got into a bar brawl on Friday night. Now Radar has a riveting video from the scene (above) and the EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE details from the other asshole involved in the beef with LaBeef. And every word that comes out of Mark Mastro's douche hole makes you inch closer and closer to Shia's side.

Mark says that he's always been a fan of Shia's work ("Dude, I loved you in Even Stevens!") and so when he saw him boozing at Mad Bull's Tavern in Sherman Oaks, he took a seat at his table without an invitation and asked for an autograph. Mark explains, "My girlfriend saw Shia, and told me. I wanted to get a picture with him so I went over to his table, sat down next to him, and told him I was a fan of his. I called him Mr. LeBeouf. He didn't want anything to do with me. He said he just wanted to chill and refused to do a photos. I walked away."

A little while later, Mark and one of his friends were out on the front patio of the bar when Shia came waltzing out. Mark's friend said "what's up" to Shia and he told them to fuck off. Mark then called Shia a "fucking faggot," which was LaBeef's cue to curse them all out and charge at them. Shia got in Mark's face and chest-bumped him. You know, because the best way to prove that you're not into man-on-man action is to touch nipples with another dude while getting heated in the head. I came.

Mark says that's when the bouncer bounced in and put Shia in a headlock. A cop happened to be driving by and so he stopped to put Shia in handcuffs. Shia was later released and no arrests were made.

So Mark rudely interrupted Shia's sweet nectar time and then he called him a fucking faggot? Trying not to sound like a dumb fuck asshole: Mark is doing it totally wrong. That being said, Shia needs to sit on a bong and turn down the RAGE. If Shia really wanted to get those assholes off his dick, he should've just pulled out his phone and played one of his movies for them. That'll clear the room faster than Jessica Simpson farting into a fan. That's how you really win a fight.

Video via ONTD

The douche nectar that flows through Shia LaBeouf's veins reaches a boiling point when mixed with booze and that's exactly what happened last night Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA. Oh, Shia is still that dick bag boyfriend you just know you're going to be pulling off of another asshole (and not in a sexy way) during a bar fight co-sponsored by the sweet nectar and potent testosterone.

Both Hollyscoop and TMZ say that Shia Saide LaBeouf was briefly put into handcuffs by the LAPD after he got into a bar brawl that was probably more exciting than the last Transformers movie. There's two sides to this mess of a story. Witnesses at the bar tell TMZ that Shia started acting the fool and got punched in the face by a dude who wasn't having it. But Shia's friends say that he was jumped while leaving the bar. Damn. Paying to see Indiana Jones 4 felt like a double punch to the wallet, but there's no need to return the favor. Or is there?

The police questioned every drunk bitch involved in the fight and later released Shia back into the wild.

Shia + booze + other people will always equal police sirens. Shia was busted a few years ago for DUI and he was also arrested for being an asshole outside of a Walgreens. Shia just needs to put down the bottle, pick up the bong and cool his ass. Or he needs to pay closer attention during fight training so he can actually get a punch in during all these bar fights. Where the hell was Harrison Ford when Shia really needed him?

Here's Shia LaBeouf giving his bottle-nosed nipples some air on the set of Transformers Tres in L.A. yesterday. I'll just save all of us some time on this Friday night and say, I'd hit it until we heard the sound of the garage door opening and his mom pulled into the driveway. Hell, I'd even massage his raisin fingers with aloe vera after he finished sucking his thumb.

After Carey Mulligan and Shia LaDouche flushed their relationship down the urinal of broken hearts for the final time, she had to stay in L.A. to shoot a film. So she moved out of Shia's fancy million dollar house and into the Best Western Hollywood Hills (not the one pictured above, obviously). Carey doesn't need imported Swiss truffles on her pillow (stuffed with the feathers from a unicorn's wing) every night or a toilet that uses Volvic water instead of tap. No, Carey just needs a bed and a 3-cup coffee machine. This is what Carey told People at last night's Hollywood Film Awards:

"I don't know why people are so down on the Best Western. They have the best sweet potato fries I've ever had."

Who is talking dirt about the Best Western? Oh, I know who is. Obviously, nobody at the Daily Mail has stayed at a Best Western. That shit is nice. I mean, they have not-so-stale croissants at the breakfast bar and I've never once thought to myself "This pillow was totally used to suffocate a crack whore" at bedtime. That is practically luxury! I've stayed at some decrepit dumps that make the Best Western look like The Golden Palace.

There was this one no-tell motel in Downtown San Diego that took the goddamn cake and smashed it. At the check-in counter, they had a note taped to the bulletproof glass window that read: "We are not responsible for any bodily injuries that may occur in your room - Management." First of all, who is this management? They are acting like they have weekly company meetings in the conference room where they throw around ideas while passing around a bagel platter. MOTEL PLEASE! Second of all, somebody actually typed out that memo on a computer with a straight face and straight fingers. Third of all, nothing makes me want to close my eyes in a strange room like knowing that if a crazed murderous bitch (aka a member of management) stabbed me in the gut in the middle of the night and I crawled down to the lobby while bleeding to death, the front desk clerk would simply point me towards the pay phone in the lobby. Yeah, but I still stayed there a second night. Well, it was like $30 a night and I didn't want to waste my drinkin' money!

Carey Mulligan has whispered into ears of those around her that she's about to sprout her wings and leave a trail of twinkling pixie dust from Los Angeles to London. Carey is fluttering back to Britain to spend more time with her family and friends over there. Of course, this has got some hos saying that this means that Carey's parts are now on a LaBeef-free diet.

Carey told The Telegraph at the London premiere of Never Let Me Go, "I'm moving back to England: it's a long story. I am spending some more time here at the moment. Just spending time with my family, really."

These two never made sense to me. I'm type-casting here, but Carey Mulligan seems like the type that loves to spend her weekend afternoons sipping organic tea from a sweet porcelain cup in between reading from a book of love sonnets to her beloved (she totally calls her boyfriend "my beloved"). And well, it sort of puts a skid mark on Carey's lace doily when Shia busts out a silent one and snorts after saying, "More like let me fart the ways." Yeah, that won't work.

Besides, it takes a certain crazy bitch to not break character when Shia asks her to put on a curly wig and a pair of gypsy pants to spank his bare nalgas.

Shia LaBeouf has been in way too many Transformers movies, because the other day in DC he mistook a paparazzo's camera for a Transformer and tried to slow that motherfucker down with cold coffee. No, but while taking a break from shooting scenes for Transformers 3: The Attack of Michael Bay's Ego in DC, Shia tried to read a book called "Bad Boy: The Life and Politics of Lee Atwater" outside of a coffee shop. The camera clicks must have eaten at his nerves, because Shia performed a run-by coffee splash on one of the paps.

You don't see it in this clip, but as soon as Shia's coffee cup hit the pavement, Bette Midler dropped from the sky, grabbed that shit and chased LaLitterBug down before kissing his prostate with the cup. Bette Midler don't play.

And the best part of this mess at the 0:45 mark when the pap says "HEY" at the Jasper Beardley-type shuffling across the street. You know pepaw hit the pap with his plastic bag.

Shia LaBeouf has this recurring nightmare where Frankie Muniz is the one who kisses Megan Fox in Transformers, and Frankie Muniz is the one who gets to ride bareback on Harrison Ford's bike in Indiana Jones, and Frankie Muniz is the one who HAS HIS LIFE! Then Shia shoots up in bed with sweat beads filling his ass crack and quickly looks over at the Daytime Emmy Award on his night stand to make sure it reads "Outstanding Performer in a Children's Series - Shia LaBeouf for Even Stevens." And it does so he lays back down and goes to spoon his girlfriend, but as she turns he around he sees FRANKIE MUNIZ'S FACE over hers. Frankie Muniz, DAMN YOU!

But seriously, did you know that Shia and Frankie Fucking Muniz are in a major feud? Like Shia hates Frankie so much that he punches himself in the ears every time he hears the words Frankie, Malcolm, Cody or Banks. It's serious. Popeater says it started back in 2003 when Frankie bought the last pack of He-Man Underoos right from under Shia at KMart. No, apparently it started because Shia says that Frankie has always looked down at him. Back in 2003, Shia told Entertainment Weekly, "I used to see him at premieres and stuff and it would always be like he was looking down on me, and then it turned into we're equal, and then it turned into 'Oh Frankie, I know that guy."

Well, LaDouche kept the bitch fight going yesterday during a radio interview with The Bert Show. The host stroked Shia's tampon a bit by saying that he's been in six #1 movies in a row. Shia kicked Frankie Muniz in the ass bone with his response, "While that's flattering as hell, you could have put Frankie Muniz into any of the movies I've been in and it would've still been No.1."

Burn? Burn. Burn? Who knows, but Frankie felt it and hit back at Shia on Twitter:

Dear Shia Labeouf. It's getting creepy the fact that you can't stop talking about me. It's been 12 years now. I don't know you. Thanks.
11:55 AM Sep 30th via web

This is some "fighting over the top bunk" shit that really should be resolved with a game of Double Dare (hosted by Marc Summers, of course).

Michael Douglas is in the middle of undergoing treatment for froat cancer, but he still managed to put on a button down shirt and pull CZJ out of her Botox chamber to attend the Wall Street 2: Money's Got Insomnia premiere in NYC last night. Now I have no reason to bitch and moan about how suits make my pores itch, my bones ache and my nipples hyperventilate (but they really do).

Joining Michael at his premiere last night were his co-stars Shia LaDouche, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan and director Oliver Stone. Shia talked to UsWeekly about working Michael, "He is a wolf, and he is a strong man. And I know of his vulnerabilities. When he came to set ... he was dealing with a lot, but never was it, 'Woe is me.' Ever. They’re going to remember him forever. You can’t say that about a lot of people. He's an American institution. It’s intimidating and incredible and exhilarating and rewarding." And then Shia asked the reporter to pull his finger.

Michael didn't talk to any reporters on the red carpet, obviously. Not even a wave, but that's okay because Shy-Shy has enough "Hiyeeees" for everyone:

Here's more pictures of the cast last night. Oh, and Ty Ty Banks was there, because she wanted to talk about how it was like for her when she was an investment banker during the recession.

This is sweeter than a stack of deep fried pancakes doused in syrup. You just want to barf on a kitten.

Here's Shia LaBeouf sucking the mocos out of Carey Mulligan's nose in NYC today. Shia is so gentle with her. It's like watching Brooke Mueller carefully unwrap her last 8-ball. I mean, Shia even helped Carey cross a mountain of nasty ass snow. The black part of my heart (no comments from the peenus gallery) wishes a pigeon would've shit on their heads. It's just too perfect.

I bet they are so in love that Carey doesn't even mind when Shia calls her "mom" and makes her wear a gypsy skirt.