Moobs

Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word "perfect" in Webster's Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy's main flaw is, let's play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!

a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald's commercial in its entirety and didn't roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: "Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say "thank you" in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit "plops" instead of "dings" when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can't tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn't get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.

If you answered, "ALL OF THEM," you're probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with "c." Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn't. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.

"One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that's the ironic part. I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There's absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard."

Fishy shouldn't be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night's Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.

Here's Jersey Shore's The Situation, the teenage Don Knotts in the middle, and his siblings giving us a variety of eyebrow delicacies in their very own awkward family photo. Turtlenecking like champs!

Source: MTV via Buzzfeed

Loki will lift his leg on your dreams tonight if you are thinking to yourself that Mickey Rourke didn't cut his hair, it just finally got sick of clinging to his crater face so it quit that bitch. That is not true. That hair loved him like stank loves caca.

Anyways, Mickey finally cleaned the oil spill on his head by taking a machete to it. Mickey's weekday maid is probably thanking the maker of scissors, because now she won't get raisins on her fingers from spending hours scrubbing the grease out of his pillow cases in a tub full of hot water and Goo Gone.

And I happen to love Mickey's new hair situation. It makes his moobies pop up real nice.

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we'd get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top's root. But I don't think that's going to happen, so we'll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there's a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver's ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would...

So here's Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus pointing at a jellyfish in Mexico and trying to figure out how it will taste if they stuff if it into an armadillo and roast it on a barbecue made from a wheel barrow. And while they're focusing on that, I'm focusing on the B.U.M. Equipment tank top that is clinging on to Billy Ray's titty nipples. B.U.M. fucking Equipment!

I haven't seen a B.U.M. tank top since I wiped my forehead with one after choreographing a dance to a Mint Condition song in my mom's garage (SPOILER ALERT: That was last month). You know Billy Ray's got a pair of British Knights chanklas and a cock ring made out of snap bracelets. Bitch is the sharpest dressed possum at the ho down.

This is some Lardass from Stand By Me shit! Meet 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens who was arrested after he projectile vomited all over an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies game on Wednesday. It probably tasted better than the sauerkraut on their hot dogs. Sorry.

USA Today says the barf started brewing when Matthew's friend was kicked out of the stadium after Police Capt. Michael Vangelo complained to security about their drunktard ways which included cursing and spitting at people. When Matthew's friend was escorted out of the place, he retaliated by putting his tubby ass fingers down his throat and barfing all over Capt. Michael and his daughter. Capt. Michael said, "It was the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I've seen the Mini-Me sex tape!" No, he didn't say that last part.

It gets barfier. When police arrived to arrest Matthew, he ralphed on another officer. In addition to attacking the officers with the insides of his stomach (which probably smelled like a house on Hoarders) Matthew also punched a couple of cops.

Matthew is currently in jail on charges including assault and harassment.

If I had a heart, I'd throw it out to that 11-year-old girl, because she is traumatized for life. She won't ever be able to watch Star Wars without interruptions again. Every time Jabba the Hutt comes on the screen, she'll scream while running for the nearest shower. Why oh why does Matthew have to look like Jabba with a wig on?

And there's some good news for Matthew. Once the other inmates hear why he's locked up, they will stay away from his mouth at all costs. Even jailed criminals don't like vom on the peen.

Dude nipples came out in full force this weekend from Barbados (see Gerard Butler) to St. Barts (see Orlando Bloom & Jason Statham) to Miami (see Matthew Morrison) to the beaches of Hell (see Christian Audigier). There's something for everyone here!

If Giorgio Armani's distressed leather chest cutlets don't make your fuck parts slobber like Hooch, then I'm sure Christian Audigier's will. Unfortunately for me, both Carrot Top and Mah Boo Anderson Cooper kept their bare sexiness from public eyes this weekend. Well, in Carrot Top's case I think it's against the law.

Anyway, if you want to know whose name to scream while you're flicking at your genitals then just hover your mouse over their picture (that sounds sexy).

Jeremy Piven needs to go back to the first grade so he can learn all about The Food Chart again, because dude does not know how to balance his diet. Jeremy already claims that eating too many sea kittens gave him Mercury Poisining. Now he's saying that drinking massive amounts of soy milk has given him a pair of luscious moobs.

Jeremy told STV (via Digital Spy), "I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I've found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time."

It's strange to me that Jeremy Piven would NOT want a pair of delectable titty sacks. I mean, that way he could grope a pair of breasts without being slapped or having to put a few hundred dollars on the nightstand. I don't believe he put down the soy milk.

You just know that Jeremy is secretly giving himself soy leche enemas and bathing in it whenever he can. Jeremy has found the FOUNTAIN OF CHICHIS and he's going to take complete advantage of it.

In other news, Christina Hendricks has just been announced as the official spokeschichis for soy milk.

Since Jon Grosselin doesn't have a regular paying gig anymore, he's hitting the ho stroll harder than. Jon's first stop on the journey to relevancy was Millions of Famewhores in Los Angeles where he made a signature milkshake. The words "Jon Gosslin milkshake" should never ever be allowed to stand next to each other. Millions of Milkshakes should get an F from the health department just for having that shit on the menu.

I'm guessing a Grosselin shake consists of: Ed Hardy's European beer, foam from the mouth of Kate's rabid possum head, three dry hairs from Hailey Glassman's meth brows, Michael Lohan's enema water, Jon's undertitty jam, a dozen rotten walnuts, a cup of lukewarm lard, and the tears of ten TLC executives.

And so much for everything I ate today fully digesting, because it's all about to come pouring out of my ear, nose and mouth holes thanks to this picture of Jon Grosselin and Meth Brows doing a disgustingly horrific act together! This is a cruel act against humanity! Where is a rabid possum with a thirst for meth brows and douche dough when you need one?! We need to call our congressmen about this fuckery.

You know Jon and Methy only posed for Radar to shoot down the rumors that they are no longer bumping titties in between his Ed Hardy satin sheets. Okay, you two twats win. You're still together. We surrender. Now please don't ever do that shit again in public.

If you're feeling masochistic, you can go on over to Radar to see even more pictures. If I were you, I'd consult my physician before, because this shit will make you ill.