Pepaws

Pepaw Ed Harris was out on Robertson Blvd, drinking his iced Metamucil, yapping on his phone when a few paparazzi surrounded his hot ass. Ed asked one cheery pap to stop taping him, but she didn't comply to The Harris' demands. Wrong move. That's when he grabbed her camera with such raw emotion.

I love it when hot pepaws attack.

What mammal does Sir Ben Kingsley looks like? A pepaw marmoset with a fancy British accent, perhaps? I can't figure it out, but that look on his face makes me want to feed him frozen grapes.

Sir Benny has lashed out at Hollywood for hiring young actors for their looks and not talent. Say it ain't so! He's telling us that Hollywood is filled with talentless trash?! I've never heard such a thing.

He said, “Some young people are told they’re actors and they’re not. It’s unfair to exploit a young person who may look good on a magazine cover and tell them they can be in movies. You’re lifting their expectations so high and then pulling the rug from under their feet when the audience gives them a thumbs-down. We throw people away too easily but should never invite them in the first place.”

ScarJo, Keira Knightley, Megan Fox and every young ho on TV - He's talking to you!

Sir Benny said many of these young hos turn to drugs ending in "tragic results." When it comes to drugs, Sir Ben already has his own, “I have my own drug – it’s called acting. I get completely stoned on it.”

Just shut up and show us your pepaw marmoset penis! That line might have worked in his high school drama class, but it doesn't work in the real world. He really needs a joint.

When evil trolls smile, something bad is going to happen. Mary-Kate Olsen has been smiling too much lately which means the end of the world is near. She's already set up her safe shelter in a tree trunk underneath a bridge and filled it with dead squirrels and big girl shoes.

MK showed her evil troll teefs at the premiere of "The Wackness" in NYC last night. This is the same movie where 22-year-old MK makes out with 64-year-old Ben Kingsley. Sir Ben told People, "She was completely in charge."

For Sir Ben's sake, I hope MK didn't use tongue. Feeling baby lizard tongue go down your throat will eff you up for life.

Not Steven Fucking Tyler!!! And the pepaw is posing in those things like he's feeling sexy in them. I blame all of his booze and drugs problems on Crocs! I also blame them for making him look like Carly Simon.

I'm seriously starting to see those plastic vagina shoes everywhere! They are taking over the Earth and soon we will be a world filled with Crocs. I mean, they started making Crocs high heels. The fugness must end!

Don Imus' fat pepaw mouth has gotten him into trouble...again! On his morning show yesterday, Don Imus and his sportscaster were talking about how many times football player Adman "Pacman" Jones has been arrested. Don asked, "What color is he?" His sportscaster said he is African-American and Don responded, "Well, there you go. Now we know."

Don later said he meant Adam was being picked on by the police because of the color of his skin. Don said, "What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. I mean, there's no reason to arrest this kid six times."

You know he didn't write that response. When you're 200 or 300 years old, common sense doesn't come into play anymore. It goes right out the door along with solid foods!

The pepaw billy goat needs to lay down already with an extra-large bowl of butterscotch pudding. Take your time eating it, Don. Take your time.

Source, Source

Larry King's wifey #6 (or 7?) has checked herself into rehab for an addiction to painkillers reports Page Six. 48-year-old Shawn Southwick King has been married to 7,689-year-old Larry King for 10 years. They have two brats together.

A friend of Larry's said, "Shawn is in rehab for medication issues related to her chronic migraine problem." He forgot to mention that Shawn's vagina is also in rehab for severe emotional trauma due to years of having to kiss and hug Larry's shriveled up snail.

If you were married to the dead, you would be on heroin, PCP, meth, ludes, coke, painkillers, Nyquil, booze, freon, peyote, jankem and more! Your kitchen would look like a Miami Vice episode.

You know that when Shawn checked into rehab, the rehab bitch asked her, "So what brings you here?" She responded, "I'm married to Larry King." Rehab bitch shouted, "Give her the works!"

According to Time Magazine, something called "elder porn" is currently the rage in Japan. Quick! Somebody get on the next flight to Tokyo and bring me back some of these treasures. I would do a google search, but I don't want to put my computer through that kind of trauma. It's already been through too much.

Anyway, Time spoke to 74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn. Shigeo is not his real name because his wifey and kids have no idea that he's a porn star. Shigeo has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Jenna Jameson doesn't have shit on this pepaw.

Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for. The PR bitch for Glory Quest explained why elder porn is so successful for them, "If we only make standard fare, we cannot beat other studios. There were already adult videos with Lolitas or themes of incest, so we wanted to make something new. A relationship between wife and an old father-in-law has enough twist to create an atmosphere of mystery and captivate viewers' hearts." Their hearts? I think it's captivating something a little lower than their hearts. Like their bowels.

Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."

Unfortunately, Time didn't ask the hard-hitting questions. We all want to know how big the dick is and how does he keep it up? I'm guessing it looks just like a turtle head and he rubs a little wasabi on the tip to keep it going.

Thanks Samara

Zsa Zsa's pepaw toy, Prince Von Anhalt (or Prince Von A-hole as TMZ calls him) kept it classy while lunching at the Ivy. Seriously, do some whores just not give a fuck?! I've seen twats go in deep in the middle of a large crowd. Take that shit to the bathroom! I bet you some poor fool found a couple of German boogers in their cobb salad. Protein!

Just now I opened up my e-mail to find some shit from Star Magazine with the subject: Sean Connery Rushed to Hospital. Oh hell no! I was about to run outside, search for a baby squirrel and slap the nuts out of it! Thankfully, I read the rest of the e-mail before attacking an innocent animal.

Legendary James Bond star Sean Connery was taken to Northern Westchester Hospital in Mount Kisco, N.Y., on Friday afternoon after suffering a fractured foot during a golf outing, Star has learned exclusively.

When contacted, a rep for the 77-year-old Scottish actor said, "He's fine."

Phew! This shit was a close one. I mean, it is Friday the 13th and I'm still waiting for some fucked up shit to go down.

I can still fulfill one of my life goals of getting it on with every single James Bond.

DUH! One of my life goals is to do fuckey fuckey times with all of the pepaws who have played James Bond in the movies. So far I'm 0/6! FAIL!

Here's Pierce Brosnan doing pepaw sporty stuff in Hawaii yesterday.