Pepaws

In case you're just joining us, you should know that Aerosmith is a wreck. And if you ask the band, most of them will say that the thorn in all of their colostomy bags is Steven Tyler (aka Motherfucker, The Rainbow).

Joe Perry already said that Aerosmith plans to go on with the show without Steven Tyler. But last week, Steven crashed one of Joe's concert and declared that he wasn't going anywhere. Well, Joe and the rest of the pepaws think Steven should go far away. Preferably to a little place where they make you talk about your emotions while drinking black coffee. Basically, they think he needs rehab.

Joey Kramer, the band's drummer, told People, "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health. He's got some bad influences in his life right now and he's making poor choices." Joey hinted that he thinks Steven is on that narcotic again.

Aerosmith's guitarist Brad Whitford added, "His behavior is spinning out of control. I don't know where he is and what he's doing."

Steven's spokeswhore said that they don't need to worry about The Rainbow! He's simply taking some time off from the band to record his solo album, work on a book and smoke up a lot of heroin. I made that last part up! The Rainbow claims he's as sober as a baby bunny. Actually, I don't know how sober baby bunnies are. Those bitches are always winking and jumping around like a crackhead at midnight. They got that junkie twitch. Hmm...I wonder what's in their food? Now I know what I'm going to put in my bong this weekend.

Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."

But the pepaws of Aerosmith know Steven better than we do, so if they think he needs to marinate in the tank for a few, then I'll take their word for it. However, they shouldn't even entertain the idea of replacing Steven! THE RAINBOW is Aerosmith.

Over the weekend, Joe Perry seemed to think that Steven Tyler was going to tuck his bones into a soft bed and retire from Aerosmith forever. But you can't keep a zombie down, because Steven announced last night that he will continue to shimmy and shake with Aerosmith.

Steven made a surprise appearance during Joe Perry's show at the Fillmore in NYC where he declared that he was the rainbow, motherfucker! According to Rolling Stone, Steven jumped out of Glamberace's asshole and shouted, “I just want New York to know, I am not leaving Aerosmith. Joe Perry, you are a man of many colors. But I, motherfucker, am the rainbow!”

We all should all be soul jizzing over this news. Not because we care that Steven Tyler is in Aerosmith or not. But because if he left, he probably wouldn't have proclaimed that he is indeed the rainbow, motherfucker. Seriously, from now on we need to address him as: "Motherfucker, The Rainbow!"

And at next year's gay pride parades, I better see thousands of Steven Tylers waving in the damn air instead of rainbow flags.

That's what came out of Joe Perry's sessy mouth. Joe, who is starting to look like a hot dude version of Colleen Williams, told The Las Vegas Sun that Steven Tyler is hanging up his scarf indefinitely. Aerosmith recently got back from a show in Abu Dhabi, and as far as Joe Perry knows Steven Tyler isn't going to be shaking his bones on stage anymore.

Joe said, “Steven quit as far as I can tell. I don’t know anymore than you do about it. I got off the plane two nights ago. I saw online that Steven said that he was going to leave the band. I don’t know for how long, indefinitely or whatever. Other than that, I don’t know."

Joe has tried calling Steven to get the real story, but dude isn't even trying to pick up the phone, “He’s notorious for that. That’s one thing I’ve learned to live with. I try to overlook it. I like to pick my battles. Frankly, the last few months I’ve been wanting not to rock the boat. I don’t want him canceling any more gigs. We really wanted to do these last four. We just kind of didn’t want to call him out or anything and get him anymore pissed off, for whatever reason. So we just let things lie. So we did the gigs and, like I said, I got off the plane and saw this online. That’s how I know about it.”

If Steven has quit that bitch, Joe says they will bring in a replacement (SIT DOWN, Janice Dickinson) and the show will go on, "As far as replacing Steve, it’s not just about that, it’s also four guys that play extremely well together, and I’m not going to see that go to waste. I really don’t know what path it’s going to take at this point, but we’ll probably find somebody else that will sing in those spots where we need a singer and then we’ll be able to move the Aerosmith up a notch, move the vibe up a notch.”

Steven Tyler performed at the launch party for the pyramids in Egypt, so it might be time for him to spend his days lying in his Golden Rest bed with a bag of caramel squares in his lap and Matlock on the tube.

That being said, STEVEN TYLER CANNOT BE REPLACED. There's not a zombie in Zombieland that can hustle like he can. Well.....unless Larry King knows the words to "F.I.N.E."

A few months ago it seemed that slapping a stranger's child out in public was the sport of the moment. There was story after story of angry old bitches high-fiving kids in the face. One of those stories starred retired Hall of Fame coach Frank Teverbaugh. A card that read "Reserved for Frank Teverbaugh" was placed on a VIP table in Hell when the story broke that the 76-year-old pepaw allegedly back-handed an autistic boy who was throwing a tantrum at the public library.

At the time, the boy's mother claimed Coach Teverbaugh told her son to "shut the fuck up" before hitting him twice in the face, giving him a bloody nose.

Well, it looks like all charges against Coach Teverbaugh will be flushed down the toilet. In court today, his attorney presented several video clips from the library's security cameras that completely contradicts the mother's story. Coach Teverbaugh never slapped or cursed out the boy. An independent witness testified that the boy's mother overreacted. Basically, the mom tried to take a pepaw down! Werther's Originals will never taste sweet to her again. Click here to see the clips if you care.

Coach Teverbaugh's attorney said, “We think she should be charged for false reporting. It’s clear she was lying.”

And Coach Teverbaugh himself issued this statement: "Ahs so happeh I could slap a red-headed autistic boy!" No, he didn't say that.

(Thanks Jaime)

Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring will soon have fresh baby barf all over their clothes and slobber on their cheeks, because their son Robin is going to be daaaaaaaaaaaaddy. Really, the mating is getting out of control.

UsWeekly reports that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton made their first baby together. I know it's too early to throw around names, but if he doesn't name their baby Dr. Jason Seaver Jr. (even if she's a girl), I will question his loyalty as a SON!

And honestly, this post was just an excuse to put up Alan's Playgirl cover. Unfortunately, we don't get to see if Alan's thick. GONG!

A 23-year-old dude was trying to rob a bank in Wisconsin when a vigilante pepaw came out of nowhere and tackled his thieving ass to the ground! All together now: PEPAWS ARE NOT THE ONE!

You know that robber strolled into the bank, noticed the pepaw and thought to himself, "Pfft. That grandpa ain't going to do shit." Well, guess what, bitch got owned by an oldie! Dude was trying to do hood rat stuff, but that old man wasn't going to allow that to happen. Beware of flying pepaws!

Yes, grandpa probably broke his hip and crushed the caramel squares he had in his pocket, but fighting criminals is in his blood so he couldn't help himself.

The best part is when a memaw opens her own can of whoopass (smells like Ovaltine and Icy Hot) on the robber by kicking him while he's down. Somebody give these old crime-fighting bitches their own show!

VIA Buzzfeed

73-year-old Burt Reynolds is in a Florida rehab facility, because he just can't stop getting hongray for painkillers.

The National Enquirer reports that Burt was forced into rehab after he was taken to the crazy house last month. A source says that Burt was found bloody and dizzy in his home after he fell down due to too much boozing and pill-popping. Burt was taken to the hospital, but he started to bring the crazy, so they checked him into a mental facility. The mental hospital would only release Burt if he went to rehab. And there he is.

Burt's manager wouldn't confirm the rumor about the mental hospital, but they did release this statement:

"After a recent back surgery, Mr. Reynolds felt like he was going through hell and after a while, realized he was a prisoner of prescription pain pills. He checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life. Mr. Reynolds hopes his story will help others in a similar situation. He hopes they will not try to solve the problem by themselves, but realize that sometimes it is too tough to do on their own and they should seek help, as he did."

Blanket Jackson probably woke up this morning to find his piggy bank shattered to pieces and all his coins gone, because Joe Jackson needed the money to rent a date for the VMAs. Oh, Joe. No amount of bottom-shelf vagina bought off of Craigslist is going to make you look attractive.

IN THIS ECONOMY, I realize that a call girl can't turn down a check, but JOE JACKSON?! It's really hard out there for whore! You would have to be on some major shit to get through an old special needs iguana humping and slobbering all over you. You know Joe even plugs his stupid production company while he plugs the puss. Ugh.

Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad haven't been together "like that" for over 10 years, but they have never divorced. Suddenly, Hef has decided to snip the cord and set Kimberly free. TMZ reports that Hef filed for divorce on Friday citing the good ole' "irreconcilable differences." Hef and Kimberly got married on July 1, 1989, but have been separated since January 12, 1998.

Hef says that the reason why he's legally quitting Kimberly's ass now is because she recently filed a $5 million lawsuit against him. Kimberly sued Hef after he fucked her by selling the house she and their sons were living in, which is next to the Playboy mansion.

In the documents, Hef states that he's already given Kimberly around $12 million, so he feels like he should only pay her $20,000 a month in spousal support.

You know, Hef could probably get away with paying her ass nothing due to the fact that their marriage is not valid. The last time I checked, humans and zombies could not legally get married in the State of California.

In possibly related news, a crazy blonde bitch in a white wedding dress was seen pulling up to the Playboy mansion IN THIS.

The answer is a loud ass YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! You know, a bunch of you sent me this story, but the best e-mail came from a smart ass bitch who wrote in the subject: "This is you in 30 years." SCRAGS BITCHES! If that e-mailer was a screaming 2-year-old child in a Walmart, I'd slap the smartness right out of them!

So, we all know pepaws are not the one! If they aren't happy with you, they will let you know in the form of a slappity slap slap to the face! That's exactly what 61-year-old Roger Stephens did when he came in contact with a screeching 2-year-old at a Walmart in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

CNN reports that on Monday afternoon, Roger approached a woman whose child was crying as they walked down one of the aisles. Roger, who was probably shopping for laxatives and prunes (the proof is in his face), warned the mother, "If you don't shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you." Roger then walked away.

A few minutes later, the child was still screaming in another aisle and Roger kept his word. He walked up to the child, grabbed her, slapped her right in the face five times and told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Surprisingly enough, the woman didn't immediately run to Walmart's gun section, grab a revolver and use it to pistol whip that pepaw. No, instead she screamed for security. Roger was arrested and charged with first-degree cruelty to children, a felony. Roger will answer to the charge in court today.

The police said that the child had a "slight redness" in the face. Roger apparently apologized to the mother right before he was put in handcuffs.

We've all been in a situation where a child is trying to kill your soul with a high-pitched screech that will wake the dead. That's why the gods created booze and the good shit. Roger needed to use his hands to light a bong! Smoke a bowl, grandpa! It's not that serious. Let the good shit save you.

And since we're on the subject of screaming children. Here's a video of a woman reacting to a crying child on a plane. When all else fails, throw the child (and their mother) a side-eye the devil would run from.