Pepaws

When your eyebrows are so damn bushy that you have to shampoo, deep condition, blow dry and brush them each morning, it's time to whack that shit off. 72-year-old Si Burgher of Indiana finally tamed his out-of-control eyebrow situation by letting bitches trim them as part of a fundraiser for his Rotary International's PolioPlus project.

The Rotary members got the idea last week. Probably because they were sick of Pepaw Si asking them to braid his bush brows so he could see.

Several people paid $100 each to cut off a little piece of his eyebrows. They rasied a total of $1,600. His wife Amy did the honors with the first whack. She told MSNBC, "Beneath the eyebrows is a really handsome man. He looks like a normal person. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts." Damn. A normal person? Bitch could have cut off those brows with her words.

Pepaw Si really looks like he's in pain from getting his pubic bush brows chopped off. Look at him. He looks like someone strangled his puppy. He needs a hot cup of Metamucil, a caramel square and a warm compress. I'm tempted to call up one of my chola cousins in California and ask them to volunteer their eyebrow painting services to this old bitch. He might be crying tears of pain now, but he'll be crying tears of joy after they take a Sharpie to his brows. Who wouldn't want a pair of gorgeous cholita eyebrows? They might even throw in a tear drop tattoo for free.

Now that Kendra Wilkinson has moved out of the Playboy mansion and is no longer one of Hef's whores, she's spilling shit to UsWeekly (via NYDN). Oh, I love it when bitches diarrhea all over what made them famous in the first place.

Kendra said life at the mansion was strict as hell and that she's totally against Hef's "way of life" now. Their comings and goings were monitored in a book that Hef would look at every morning. They weren't allowed to ever visit their families during the holidays and they were given a measly weekly allowance of only $1,000. Kendra said, "I hate putting my hand out, but we couldn't have jobs other than getting appearance fees."

$52k a year is minimum-wage for a trophy wife. Although, the mansion does have an open bar, right? Because I know some skanks that probably spend that a year on booze alone. Don't look at me. I'm fucking happy with some Gordon's.

Despite her every move being watched, Kendra found ways to sneak out for quick fuck sessions. She said that there were times when she would suck on Hef's Play-Doh peen, but most days she hardly saw him. She said, "I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office. There were never solo dates. The most we kind of say to each other is, 'I love you,' 'Love you too,' 'I hope you have a good day,' 'Did you have a good day?' "

So because of the lack of attention her poon was getting, she had to go elsewhere to get that shit milked. But Kendra said Bridget claims she never fucked around on Hef, "Bridget told me that she's been faithful all these years, and I was like, 'How the hell can you do that?' I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age,like a healthy human being."

It sounds like Kendra sort of had it okay. SORT OF. Everything was pretty much paid for. She didn't have to regularly eat Hef's oatmeal ass. And she could fuck with some hot piece every now and again.

Holly is the one I want to hear from. That bitch was sleeping in Hef's bed every night. She's the one who probably has carpal tunnel from trying to get Hef to bust one while jacking him off with BenGay. She has the stories.

And at least Kendra learned how to sneak out properly. She's going to need that skill after she gets married and her new husband stops putting out.

Oh, look. Brad Pitt loved his Benjamin Button old baby face make-up so much that he's decided to wear it everywhere! If that was only the truth. This definitely needs more tinkering by the Photoshop elves. I know, Brad is trying to be all "raw" and "real" on the cover of W Magazine, but he only looks "elderly" and "sleepy." I could take a canoe down one of his forehead canals. I mean, damn! I bet you St. Angie's vagina is like a 7-year-old's since it sucked out all of Brad's hotness and youth. Just feed Pepaw Pitt some Ensure through a straw and let's move on.

So....in the February issue of W, Brad is ooooooonce again dragging out this shit bitches have been talking about for fucking centuries. You can even read about this drama on the walls of the tombs of Egypt. But here I am continuing the fuckery, so I'll slap myself with a baby later.

Brad defended St. Angie when talking about how they got together while he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. He said, “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful."

Okay, he gets points for saying "dastardly affair." Not only does he looks like he was born in the late 1800s, but he talks like it too!

Now, he also defended Jennifer's infamous "uncool" comment. Brad said, "Jen is a sweetheart. I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Um. They are the fucking creators! The interviewer didn't hide the word "uncool" in a cucumber sandwich and force feed it to Jen. She said it willingly! And by "sweetheart" he really means, "She exists, so every now and again I have to pat her on the head."

All of these three famewhores are in cahoots for some publicity . When does Jen have another movie coming out? Because that's when we're going to see her naked ass on the cover of a magazine in some kind of ferret pose with the quote, "It WAS a DASTARDLY affair!"

The only person I believe in all of this is Maddox. He tells the truth. I'm still waiting for his tell-all.

Holly, Kendra and Bridget have been replaced by 19-year-old twins, Karissa and Kristina, and now 22-year-old Crystal Harris (the skeezer in the headband). Over the holidays, Crystal apparently went on E!'s message boards and told everyone she was now on Hef's payroll as his third hooker. The NYDN says Crystal, a San Diego State psychology student, wrote, "Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion."

She also said that right now Hef just has three whores, but "there are a couple that we have interest in. ... As for now, it is just us three."

Crystal hasn't been in Playboy yet, but she has bared her Ziploc sacks for the website. Click here to see her precious MySpace. It looks like the brain of an 12-year-old girl created it. Oh wait...

I'm getting a total Kendra vibe from the new ho. Well, if Kendra swallowed Holly and Bridget whole and had trouble digesting them.

And it makes sense why Hef always needs three skanks on staff. He needs one to pull his right prune cheek, one to pull the left and the third ho gets in there and wipes him up real good.

That's because he just got married for the fourth time in Santa Barbara last week. Don't stick your head in the oven just yet, because this bitch's marriages never last longer than a quick minute. Go tap your crotch to your personal favorite Oldman movie (mine is Prick Up Your Ears) and by the time you're finished, the ink on his divorce papers will be dry. That's how he does it.

50-year-old Gary married 31-year-old jazz singer Alexandra Edenborough in a teeny tiny ceremony last week. His agent confirmed this shit, because he was Gary's best man. This is the fourth time Gary has locked a ball and chain to his ankle. His longest marriage lasted four years. His marriage to Uma Thurman was canceled before their 2-year anniversary.

So, yeah, Alexandra better get to fucking work! She doesn't have much time before Gary quits her ass, so she better start massaging those tired spermies out of his pepaw peen. Put a little speed in his dick hole, so his jizz fishies swim faster! Get that money before it shuffles off!

And with his whiskers and her eyes, they will have purdy kids. Gary really does have amazing whiskers. That's how he gets all the ladies. It adds an extra tickle.

David Mamet on Dlisted. I didn't think this moment would ever happen, but I couldn't help it. After reading this shit about him on Page Six, I think I'm madly in love with him and need to become the next Mrs. David Mamet.

In her memoir, playwright Nancy Balbirer wrote about how amazingly hot David Mamet was to his students at NYU. David cursed them out, threw them out of class and called Bill Cosby a whore. Swoooooooon.

Here's a few quotes from Nancy's book. Page Six had to bleep out the good words, but if Mamet is saying it, it's probably a "fuck" or a "cunt."

Mamet on students talking too quietly: " Get the [bleep] off my stage! Now," he'd bellow . . . And, he'd continue, his short, burly body bouncing around like a school-yard bully in need of his daily Ritalin, "Don't [bleep]ing come back until we can hear you. How dare you? You're whispering. On the stage. It's [bleep]ing passive-aggressive. You know, only people who are full of [bleep] whisper," Balbirer writes.

Mamet's response to a student asking who his favorite actress is: "Women who act are not actresses. They're actors. Why do they need to [bleep]ing qualify what their genitalia are? Folks, seriously, I need to disabuse you of the notion that 'actress' is anything other than a euphemism for 'floozy' . . . Do women [bleep]ing writers call themselves 'writressess?' No! There's nothing worse than being a woman in show business . . . you'll be asked to do only two things in every [bleep]ing role you ever play: take your shirt off and cry.""

Mamet on TV: Mamet delivered a lecture, "the premise of which was that Bill Cosby was a whore . . . television was evil and for whores, Hollywood was a hotbed of whoredom, and we were to avoid all of these things like the plague, unless, of course, we, too, were whores and not the artists we said we were."

Yeah, I know it was love at first bleep for you too, but stay away from his hairy ass (you know it is). The grouchy bear is mine. Imagine waking up next to him? He'd probably roll to your side, gaze into your eyes and say, "Good fucking morning, you dumb fucking whore." That's real love.

Saint Angelina floated into the Hollywood Film Festival Awards Gala last night surrounded by archangels and the audience "gasped" at the sight of her. I didn't make up that "gasp" part. A couple of people died too, but Saint Angelina's face veins didn't even move. She's used to it.

Saint Morticia was there to pay tribute to Clint Eastwood. She spoke about him, but nobody could understand the words that came out of her mouth, because it just sounded like a thousand angels singing in unison. Everyone's ear wax suddenly melted away. If there was a deaf person in the room, they would be able to hear again.

After the saint spoke, Pepaw Clint Eastwood dragged his corpse on stage to accept his award and drown Angie Jo in more compliments. He said, "Working with someone like Angelina Jolie is a great privilege, because you get to look on that gorgeous beauty every day. And she's a great talent."

Why must Clint always tell us this? WE KNOW! It's been tattooed into our brains that she's a stunninggorgeousbeautifulperfectalloftheabove goddess who queefs holy water. And anybody who thinks otherwise has already been informed that they will spend eternity in hell. I've already received my plane ticket for flight #666.

Here's a few more of the pepaw zombie and the holy hunchback wax figure last night.

It's been one of those fucking days. The kind of day where you just want to crawl inside the vodka bottle and watch "Facts of Life" re-runs from it. Because of this, I'm grateful that I watched this Bill Cosby on ESPN clip. It gave me my first real laugh of the day! I have no idea what he's saying or what he's doing with his mouth, but I wish he wouldn't stop. His face at the end sealed the deal for me. Bill Cosby needs to adopt me so that we can eat Jello pudding all day and he can make that face for me whenever I want.

VIA ONTD

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!'s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I'm sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that's another issue!

Hef said, "If she says it's over, it's over. But like I've said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her." Um....so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther's Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn't able to father another child. He said, "With my sperm count, it's not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She'd like to be married and have children, but it's not in the cards here for me."

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you're probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn't say anything about Bridget, because let's be honest, she doesn't matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn't even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, "They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends."

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef's favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there's also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef's dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It's the end of an era! Hef's new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren't any sexy unborn fetuses available.