Pepaws

No, this is not a promo picture for Eminem's next album. It took me a couple of eye blinks before I realized it was the fallen pepaw Ed McMahon. 85-year-old put on one of KFed's outfits to rap in two viral videos for FreeCreditReport.com. If you look closely at the picture above, you can see Ed's dignity crawling away. Shit. I shouldn't have said that. Ed is gangster now. He can bust a catheter in my ass.

FCR asked Ed to star in the videos after they saw him talking about his money problems on Larry King. Ed jumped at the chance, because let's face it, the bitch needs cash.

The Huffington Post has the sad details on the two videos:

In the first video, McMahon _ who once pitched the American Family Publishing sweepstakes _ and a bodyguard are cruising through a neighborhood looking for sweepstakes winners to ask for some money back, but McMahon doesn't actually go through with it. In the second spot, McMahon dons a new suit after undergoing a financial and emotional makeover.

"When I retired, I was famous," McMahon raps in the video. "I had money and glory/I bought a house for 6 mill/I thought nothing could touch me/Until my credit went south, and debt started to crunch me/Next thing I know, instead of playing gin rummy, I was scrambling just to make ends meet/It wasn't funny."

You gotta do what you gotta do to pay for your rusty trophy wife's obsessive shopping habits. And I guess it could be worse, he could be doing pepaw porn. Shit. That's next.

Rumors have been going around that Hugh Hefner's three slutty bunnies are ready to bust out of the mansion. Holly is reportedly fucking Criss Angel. Barf. Kendra is reportedly engaged to football player Hank Baskett. Okay. And Bridget....well....who cares about that one! Hugh addressed all the rumors with E!'s Marc Malkin.

Hef said that he's still with all three girls and Holly is not dating Criss Angel. He said, "Holly shares my bed on a nightly basis."

He did admit that the relationship he has with the girls is "in transition." "Are there going to be changes in the relationships, I'm sure there are going to be. I think that in the future, the girls are going to, in time, be dating others and moving out of the mansion, and when that happens we will not be keeping it a secret." Translation: Hef's shopping around for younger models.

I believe that Kendra and Bridget are solely there for the show and nothing more. Holly is another story. In her Stepford mind, she believes that Hef is going to marry her and give her many babies with old man faces.

Think of all the times Holly woke up with piss on her leg and Hef's drool on her weave. Or all the hours she spent sucking on his drowsy turtle head. What does she have to show for it?! She needs to pack up her bag of stupid costumes and find a new sugar daddy. She gets a FAIL in the art of gold digging. Put her in the back of the bus with Sarah Larson!

It's been a long ass time since I've seen Squinty Zellweger's signature squint out in full force like this. It makes my eyeballs twitch and my mouth crave salty lemons. Nobody squints the way she can! Liza Garza tries, but her squint can't hold a candle to Squinty's squint. Squint!

Squinty was at the Toronto International Film Festival today promoting some movie called "Appaloosa" with a bunch of pepaws. Squinty was asked what it was like filming in New Mexico and she responded, "The tacos are great!" This made Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen laugh for some reason. That's an inside joke, right? Squinty totally went lesbionic in New Mexico.

Here's more of Squinty with Ed, Viggo and Jeremy Irons. Damn. I guess it's true. People do get old.

The hottest coochie coochie in the business was out with her husband in Hollywood last night. They were walking around some parking lot. I think that's how a lot of old folks spend their time. They dance around in parking lots, talking to strangers.

Charo is legend and I would ride down the rainbows that come pouring out of her chocha, but why did she wear those shoes with that top?! The better question is: "Why do I give a donkey's dong?!"

And her husband is basically over it. He looks like he's ready for an oatmeal bath and a warm beer. Over it. He's thinking, "If I have to hear her say 'coochie coochie' one more fucking time...."

P.S. - Yes, it is a very slooooooooowwww day.

What did John Lithgow wear to rehearsal today? You know, he is the star of that play Stepford Katie is in. I've been posting pictures of her tattered robot ass every day, so I thought I'd give John a bit of attention. He sort of looks like Santey Claus on summer vacation in Florida. He's so cheery! I bet John always has peppermint sticks on him and giggles like an Elmo doll when you poke his belly.

And because I have to, here's some pictures of the weepy robot shuffling into rehearsal wearing Tommy Girl's Sunday afternoon dustin' dress!

Last week, Donald Trump's wrinkly ass announced to the world that he was going to save Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom by buying it and leasing it back to him. Ed was only days of away from losing his house. Well, as usual, Donald was talking out of his toupee. Somebody did buy Ed's house but it wasn't Donald. Ed's realtor told TMZ that Donald was outbid by a private buyer. Donald didn't even bother submitting another bid.

The private buyer placed the offer after Donald already got all the attention. The Donald issued this statement: "Blah...Blah...Blah...Rosie is a fat slob."

No, he said: "The other buyer has signed a purchase agreement....subject to many contingencies including but not limited to a mortgage contingency. Mr. Trump clearly would not need a mortgage and would be capable of closing this transaction immediately. If the other buyer should be successful in this bid, Mr. Trump truly hopes that they do the right thing by Ed McMahon and not have this 85-year-old American icon removed from the property."

According to The Associated Press, Ed will have to move out of the house, because the buyer plans to live there. Watch out Shady Pines! Here comes Ed!

Donald Trump should have kept his dehydrated worm lips shut until after the deal closed. But of course he wanted to bask in the glory of saving one of America's beloved pepaws! And Pepaw Ed needs to shred his wifey's credit cards and then send the bitch to Suze Orman.

It looks like there's a new feud and this one should be sponsored by Celebrex and Ben-Gay. Last week, Roseanne called Jon Voight "a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." She also called Saint Angelina his "evil spawn." Among other things.

Jon Voight sat down at his typewriter to respond to Rosie's rant. You know the pepaw chipmunk doesn't own a computer! He probably sent his response via Pony Express. Here's the statement he issued to ExtraTV:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents.

Her parents responded to the accusations by going on the air and stating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed.

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing.

My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him.

I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind)

Vile evil? Sick of mind? Defaming our National Anthem? Flattery will get him everywhere! Seriously, Roseanne is just speaking her "sick mind." I'm Team Sick Of Mind. You can call us Team Vile Evil on the weekends.

Jon needs to stick his dentures in a cup of lukewarm water, sit in the corner and finish his porridge like a good pepaw.

That being said, there's still only one way to settle this. You know what I'm going to say! CAGE FIGHT! A cage fight in a pool of Metamucil! Jon can even wear his "pink ballet tutu." Such a pretty pepaw chipmunk!

The patron saint of self-promotion, Donald Trump, has saved the fucking day. Trump will buy Ed McMahon's pepaw kingdom, saving it from foreclosure. Trump will then lease it back to the pepaw, so that Ed and his wifey can continue to live there. Trump better clean off his trophy shelf, there's a Nobel Peace Prize coming his way.

Trump told The Los Angeles Times, ""When I was at the Wharton School of Business. I'd watch him every night. How could this happen? I don't know the man, but I grew up watching him on TV."

Pepaw Ed's house was listed at $4.6 million this past weekend. He's $640,000 behind on a $4.8 million loan. It's not known how much Saint Trump paid for the house.

Do you think Ed knows about Trump's plans to rename his house "Rosie O'Donnell is a Fat Slob Manor"?

Legendary pepaw Ernest Borgnine was on Fox & Friends and they asked him what's his secret to looking so young. He giggled a little and then whispered it to the dude next to him. It was a whisper we all heard.

Ernest softly said, "I masturbate a lot." Great. Just what I needed. The sexy image of Pepaw Ernest rubbing on his shriveled turtle head while watching "Murder She Wrote." Do you think he cums dust?

VIA KISS Nation

Page Six reports that 80-year-old pepaw Adam West might join the next cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens." A source said, "Adam is in outstanding shape. He works out an hour a day and walks with his big dog on his farm in Sun Valley, Idaho." Walks with big dog on farm? Is that code for something I should know about? It sounds sort of sexy.

Adam's rep would not say that nothing is definite. The entire cast will be announced on August 25th. Just add the OG Batman to the long list of skanks who are rumored to be joining the cast. They include Chloris Leachman, Lance Bass, Toni Braxton, Jewel, Ty Murray and Florence Henderson.

Adam, Chloris and Florence are too good for that shit! They should be doing a sitcom together or starring in Werther's Originals commercials. But if Adam insists on doing the show, this should be his opening number:

VIA SOW