Pepaws

I want to thank all five of you that sent suggestions yesterday on how to save Ed McMahon's crumbling pepaw kingdom! Here's just some of your ingenious ideas:

Well, how about instead of a kissing booth, we set up a Dlisted blow job booth? Where else would you find such a large gathering of total whores? We could raise enough cash to pay off Ed's mortgage. - DD

I figured out a way to get Ed McMahon out of debt. Get your favorite nut job Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out to help Ed spruce up his place and get it sold! Could you imagine? Ziola and Ed McMahon on one tv screen. I would die! - Brooke

Okay well maybe Ed can sell his old papaw sperm? Or maybe Werthers originals could let him come out with his own flavor?? - Stacey

Idea: Pepaw McMachon Garage Sale ala Tori Spelling.... if that fug can have one why not Ed? - Rosa

Open up a man hole in front of Mr. Chows and let him fall in. Problem solved. - Holly

Holly, Ed McMahon is not amused by your suggestion. Ed went on Larry King last night to discuss his situation. Outside the studios, he told The Insider, "We're very optimistic that we're going to work this thing out. There's a lot of people [who] have problems and I'm hoping that this will help them help themselves. That's what my plan is."

Ed's manager told Page Six that he thinks booze is to blame. Isn't it always? Johnny Podell said, "You drink and you don't pay attention to your business affairs. He wasn't paying attention and probably got some bad advice. I'm hoping America will rally around him and somebody will have a great idea to make him a spokesman."

Ed needs to lay off those Gin Rickeys. The bartenders need to give him lime spritzers with artificial gin flavors instead. He won't know the difference!

Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his pepaw kingdom, but that didn't stop him from having a lovely dinner with his wifey last night. I would normally say that he should stay home and eat Top Ramen if he can't afford his mortgage payments, but he's elderly. If he wants to eat overpriced Chinese food, let him!

And why haven't any of you e-mailed ideas about how to help one of the country's most treasured pepaws? I asked for ideas! You cold-hearted bitches! You send me dolphin porn (don't ask), but not suggestions on how to save Ed's pepaw kingdom!

I'm going to ask Candy Spelling if we can rub her twatty for good luck. Well, she's magic!

This is a sad, sad story. Pour yourself a cup of Cream of Rice and grab a hankie. 85-year-old Ed McMahon's Beverly Hills home is about to go into foreclosure. Pepaw in distress!

Ed is $644,000 behind on payments on $4.8 million in mortgage loans. A default notice was filed on February 28th reports the Associated Press.

Ed's spokesbitch said he hasn't been able to get work since breaking his neck 18 months ago. He said that they are currently in negotiations with the mortgage company, but it's not clear whether or not Ed and his wifey get to stay in their home.

The home has been on the market for two years at $6.25 million. The 6-bedroom home is located in the gated community of The Summit. This is where Brit Brit's greasy ass lives and Ed's realtor said this has created problems. He said, "When we were trying to sell the house one time, there were about 100 paparazzi there." Tell the Cheeto One to move her ass out of there! Matthew McConaughey lives in a fine trailer park in Malibu. Brit Brit would fit right in there.

Has Ed entered the American Family Publishers sweepstakes? He may have already won $10 million!

Seriously, how can we help Ed? Pepaw Bake-A-Thon? Pepaw sex tape? We must save Ed's house!

Thanks Nancy

Robert Redford has finally decided to make an honest woman out of his girlfriend of over 10 years. 10 years! 71-year-old Robert has been dating 52-year-old Sibylle Szaggars since 1996. He told a German magazine, "We are engaged and very happy with that. Sibylle is my fiancee and that says everything, doesn't it?"

She's totally knocked up, isn't she? Those sinful sluts!

My mother is not going to like this news. She might even say, "SHOOT!" or "DARN!" And if she's really mad about it, she'll say, "OH FUDGE!"

Source

Thanks Dawn

Yes, I know that pregnant lady is Angelina Jolie. It was a damn joke. I'm not that stupid...or am I? That is the question. Anyway, Angie Jo is still in Cannes, because she has another movie to whore out. This time she's promoting "The Changeling" with Clint Eastwood.

Clint is seriously one hot pepaw. I just want to lay in the sun with him and play connect-the-liver-spots on his naked body. He can tell me what life was like during prairie times. Adore him.

Methinks Angie Jo might be dropping much sooner than August. She's trying to snow us! You can't hide Angie! The paps will get you. They've probably already made a deal with Maddox for the first pictures of her placenta. Maddox needs the money to complete his Littlest Pet Shop collection.

Who the fuck did this to Salma Hayek?! Her personal fake eyelash applier must be executed! This is not acceptable. It's also not acceptable that Salma kept her chichis to herself. Salma has the greatest chichis in the business and she must show them off. A falling lash and covered up chichis. I'm disappointed! Penny Cruz would not be pleased.

Salma attended the Cannes premiere of "Indiana Jones and the Battle for the Last Cialis Pill" tonight. Harrison Ford brought his mummy to the premiere. Oh, silly me. That's Calista Flockhart. The bitch looks so frail. She needs an Ensure. I've also thrown in some Cate Blanchett. Perfect as usual. Boooring.

Harrison Ford just needs some Cialis, Ben-Gay, a warm compress and he's ready for a hot sexay night of passion. Well, the fun and games have to end around 10pm, because pepaws like to get up at the break of dawn.

Here's 66-year-old Harry with Calista Flockhart in Cannes.

The Hoff looks like shit! He should be laying down in a hospital bed with an IV in his arm not eating sushi at Coachella! The Hoff was actually in a hospital bed of a few days ago. He was in the hospital, because an open wound in his eyes began bleeding. Eye lift gone wrong!

His tit sweat in the pictures below look like two little alien eyes. Tom Cruise would totally lick that up. I've also thrown in some pictures of that hot bitch Janice Dickinson Steven Tyler.

I didn't think I'd ever see Indiana Jones getting waxed, but here it is!

65-year-old Harrison Ford had his chest waxed to show the pain involved in deforestation. Harry, who is the vice chair of the global environment group Conservation International, invited Access Hollywood's cameras in while he was stripped of his pepaw hair.

Harry hopes this will shock people into thinking green.

Getting your chest wax is child's play. That feels like a massage compared to getting other shit waxed. He needed to get his nut and chode hair ripped off. That's the kind of pain that will make you see the entire solar system. Your shit will see stars, planets, aliens, spaceships, all that shit!

You know Indy popped a boner when they ripped the strip off. He looks like a kinky motherfucker.

Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David shot scenes for the new Woody Allen movie in NYC today. Yes, Woody Allen is still making movies. No, I don't know why. I can tell what it's about just from these pictures. Some old, eccentric dude who talks a lot romances some young, dumb slut.

They were filming right down the street from where I live. I should have skipped down there and slapped that Evan girl across the face for fucking Marilyn Manson. She needs to be slapped back into reality. Then I would have taken that delicious muffin out of her hands and eaten it right in front of her.

I bet you by the time filming is finished, Evan would have dumped Marilyn for Larry David. You can tell the chick loves the pepaws.