Jodie Marsh

This might come as a shock to you, but the finest rose in England wasn't totally sculpted by the hand of Mother Nature out of organic materials. The scalpel of a surgeon and a Hoover Dam's worth of silicone was used to elevate Jodie Marsh's beauty to goddess-like levels. But if Jodie could do it all over again, she'd keep her natural beauty intact and would never allow her chichis to be touched by a back alley plastic surgeon who obviously got off from overflowing water balloons as a child.

Jodie told the prestigious British medical journal Heat Magazine (via The Sun) that a week after she got two bowling ball bags full of cooking gel fuel stuffed into her chest, her world became a horror show as her new implants tried to free themselves of her body. Jodie is sharing her story four years later, because she needs a check she wants all women out there to know that if you fill your body with implants that are bigger than your head, you could end up with a scar that looks like the face of Mickey Rourke.

"When I woke up, they were so swollen. The first dressing was taken off after a week or so - that's when I saw that I wasn't healing. As the stitches started popping out of my skin, there was no skin to hold the incision together. My boobs looked like they were exploding. It was so painful. There was green pus coming out of my boobs and they constantly bled.

I had to change the dressings every day and was in such discomfort I couldn't work - I basically sat at home depressed for a year. I wish I'd never had them done. People should realise that every boob job has the potential to become a horror story."

Jodie doesn't think her gigantic plastic boob domes look good with her new He-Man muscle body, but she's not going to go under the knife again out of fear that she'll have to suffer through a sequel to Nightmare on My Titties.

You can't spell Jodie Marsh without p-e-r-f-e-c-t. No, really, try it. Type out p-e-r-f-e-c-t without the spaces and your system (or whatever) will autocorrect it to "Jodie Marsh." So Jodie doesn't need to change anything about herself, she's Jodie Marsh (DAMN autocorrect) just the way she is. Besides, nobody really notices Jodie's huge tits, because we're all transfixed by the Museum of Modern Clip Art running down her arm.

Your eyeballs deserve to be fertilized with drops of pure elegance this morning, so please use your mousepad as a Ouija Board and tell it take you to natural beauty. Your mouse will drag you to this NSFW link featuring England's Finest Rose posing as a tundra slut in the middle of a frozen dick garden. Doctor's recommend a daily dose of sophistication as part of a healthy lifestyle and you will get a week's worth if you stare at Jodie Marsh's nibbled-on sausage coins long enough.

Jodie brought her completely organic titty domes out for the prestigious journal of refinement called The Sun and she also gave them an interview where she talked about how she's been virginized. It's been so long since anybody has tapped on Jodie's pristine oyster (or as the Health Department calls it, "A free pass to the clinic!") and a cherry pearl has magically grown inside of her sugar shell making her a virgin again.

"I find it so hard to trust men now that I always wait for ages before agreeing to sex. I've had so many shit men in my life that I get scared of letting go. I'm basically celibate and like a virgin again. God knows what it would take to sleep with me now! If I could kiss anyone under the mistletoe this Christmas, it would have to be Gerard Butler or Tom Hardy."

Every maker of topical ointment for genital warts just opened up their windows and jumped to their death since there's no reason to go one. It's true, though. Jodie is as pure on the inside as she is on the outside. She has left her shameless slut ways behind her. Need some proof? Well, during this photo shoot, she did get gang banged by those giant dickcicles, but she only let them stick the tip in, so you know she's a changed whore.

It's been 51 days since my last post about Jodie "The Body" Marsh and that's 51 days too many without gazing at her pinched penis nose and her "fried not baked" ripple tits. The angel of the globe brought her beauty to the The Global Angel Awards in London last night and showed everyone what a Claymation Jenna Jameson would look like if it was beat in the face with a Claymation Sandra Bullock. The answer is the definition of natural gorgeousness.

Jodie sets the beauty trends (OBVIOUSLY!), so soon we'll all be visiting our Craigslist plastic surgeons to give us a melted spade nose and chichis that look like silicone sacks are trying to hatch out of them. If Shrunken Head Guy from Beetlejuice got a makeover on The Swan, this is what it would look like. I swear, Jodie's nose looks like a game of Jenga. I could just scream JENGA!!! at it over and over again while swatting at the hair curtain covering half of her face. Absolute perfection.

There's been so much foolish ugliness on Dlisted lately from Lindsay Lohan's meth lasagna mouth to the crazy bus memaw beating on a special needs kid, so I figured we could all use a heavy dose of demure beauty in the form of a potpourri pot full of England's finest rose Jodie Marsh! Exquisite doesn't even begin to describe....

Jodie left a London hospital, where she selflessly volunteers her time by being a human bouquet of flowers for the poor sickly, the other night and graciously blessed the lenses of several cameras with her Shroud of Pete Burns face. It's as if someone gently placed her head in one of those paint can shakers at Home Depot, turned it on and started throwing oil-based varnish and paintbrush bristles at her. The result is what a talking Real Doll would call, "iiiiiiinspiring."

Jodie's nose is what I think the penises of the angels look like in heaven. A penis with wings! And now we know why Ron Paul's brow wig tried to sneak off of his face. It heard of an eyebrow Shangri-La in the UK and it was about to start the journey toward it. If you see his eyebrow toupee sitting in coach on a flight to London, don't say a thing.

And if you want to share this beauty with your loved ones, FTD is offering a bouquet made of these pictures for a limited time. (Yes, I set up that STD joke for you. Happy Friday!)

Now that England's finest rose has tits like a T-Rex's ass boil, abs like a deep fried rack of ribs and a belly button that sort so of looks like an alligator's terrifying eye, she says everybody retinas are dripping with green liquid when they stare at her body. No, it's not because the sight of Jodie Marsh causes eyeballs to grow warts that leak green discharge. It's because jealous bitches are green with envy and will gladly give themselves roid enemas and shove a grill pan under their stomach skin if it means they can have a body just like hers. The most beautiful woman in Britain and the demure roid flower that has a crotch tattoo that is probably less terrifying than the crotch from which it's flying from said this about her gristle body to Heat (via Daily Mail):

"I feel proud when I look in the mirror. I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, fucking hell, I love it so much! I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked.

If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal. I think I still look really feminine. It has totally changed my life, doing this. My self-esteem is higher, my confidence is higher, I feel more secure, feel powerful – I almost feel invincible.

I do feel a bit like Superwoman. Now every single person around me is jealous of my body.'

The only shit that was around Jodie when she said this was a pile of salmon jerky and the alien that ripped through Kane's chest in Alien, so technically the bitch is telling the truth!

As soon as your eyes finish salivating from staring at Jodie Marsh's Helen Grace chocolate egg titties, give her the clap (Not THAT clap! She already has that one. The other clap. The one you give her with your hands. Oh! You know what my ass means!) for leaving her first bodybuilding competition triumphant. 16 months ago the most beautiful woman in the world, who has been everything from a ten-second lesbian to a tattoo artiste, started training with Tim Sharp to become a bodybuilding goddess superstar and here she is at her first competition looking as glisteningly gorgeous as a hard shit out of a snake's ass in the Garden of Eden.

Jodie came in first second third fourth fifth place in the beauties of the septic tank division and tells The Sun that she owes it all to intense training and trading her usual diet of champagne and cum balls for egg whites and whole wheat toast.

"This is the best I've ever felt — and the best my body's ever felt. In 50 days I have gone from 25 per cent body fat to ten per cent, gained 8lb of muscle and lost 20lb of fat."

Of course, Jodie's road to getting a body like Kellan Lutz's nipple was shot for a reality show that will air in the UK this January. Yes, the sight of Jodie brings back painful memories of when I ruined my sister's Barbie doll by ripping its head off to try to shove it over my He-Man figure (both of them were never the same again), but even I have to admit that England's finest rose has never looked more exquisite. Well, tits that look like burnt ham and bodies that look straight out of a Panda Express tin are two of my favorite things!

It's been much too long since your genital skin has rippled over and the health department hit the special red button marked "Code: Rose" over the sight of the exquisitely perfect Jodie Marsh sashaying back out in the public. Just like all good warts who won't be ignored, Jodie is back and stronger than ever. The original Kate Middleton, who can serve up a plate of bangers and mash just by queefing over a silver platter, made mortals drop to their knees and worship at the throne of STDs when she passed through ITV studios in London today.

Jodie who usually drapes her body in the finest fashions straight from the catwalks in Paris (by way of stripper stores in Thailand) decided to keep it demure in a way-too simple dress that's the exact color of the pus that squirts out of one's eye when they stare into her Bermuda crotch triangle. Jodie has gone from ladies who munch for a quid to ladies who lunch and then munch for a quid.

Just like Jodie's coin slot nose, I am completely collapsing with happiness over England's most elegant flower finally blooming again. Pippa Middleton can stay in her stable indefinitely, because the real beauty and fashion icon of the UK is back!

England's finest rose Jodie Marsh put down her fancy tea cup, patted the ends of her mouth with a crisp white napkin and commented on Katie Price's life to the esteemed magazine Zoo (via Metro). And since Jodie is a refined lady who curtsies when she pees, she was as polite as polite can be when speaking about Harvey's mother. It's like Queen Elizabeth herself spoke these words:

"What does Jordan do on a horse? Dressage. Trots around, that's all she does. She doesn't jump. She doesn't do fuck all. She just sits on it, poses and pouts. I started horse riding again recently and I haven't ridden since I was 14. So I've got on it after 17 years, and it's a beast. I cantered him, galloped him and got over proper jumps."

Jodie is talking about actual horses, right? Of the SJP variety? Because I was pretty entertained thinking about Katie Price dressing up a dick in satin and parading it around the room while puckering up her lips. Although, she probably does that with Roxanne.

Jodie didn't end there, she crossed her ankles and demurely placed her hands in her lap before going on about Katie's skills on the fuck mattress, “She's not good in bed – she doesn't know what she's doing. She's as cold as ice, she's got hardly any friends and she's thick as shit! I think anyone who wants to be with Jordan is a bit weird in the first place."

You know, I wasn't sure until I read this interview with Jodie, but now I can say with confidence that we have found this generation's Emily Post!

P.S - Real talk. I think Jodie is just a bit jealous because Roxanne didn't let her lick on his tuck.

England's premiere pristine lady, Jodie Marsh, says she has turned into a bodybuilder. This is kind of the like the time she turned lesbian for a quick minute, but instead of lifting clits with her tongue, she's lifting weights with her hands. Jodie tells New! Magazine that she was getting too soft and she wanted her body to match her rock hard tittays, so she hit started hitting the gym 6 times a week.

You know, she could've lost some of the "softness" by cutting down on fatty jizz. This is what I was told anyway. One time, a smart ass bitch told me to stop eating so much sperm after I complained that my stomach had a serious case of the softs. And ruin my social life? Eff that! I'd rather have a jiggly stomach than a tarnished image! Anyway.....

After just six months of working out, Jodie says she has gone from a size 12 to a size 6. And she isn't stopping there! Jodie will continue to work out in hopes that she'll be able to compete on the bodybuilder circuit, "I've still got loads to go. I might do a bodybuilder competition in August."

Maybe she meant she's going to do all the contestants in a bodybuilder competition, because I'm not convinced Jodie wants to look like Vadge's roidy-clit.

And I know you're probably sick with worry that one day Jodie will crush her fantastic chichis by dropping a barbel on them, but do not fret! Jodie's titties can't take it since I'm sure she regularly injects liquid concrete into them. She has always admired the breasts of stone statues.

Jodie Marsh, the pristine beauty with a vagina that smells like fresh English roses on a Spring morning, has magically turned back into a heterosexual after "turning lesbian" a few months ago. You know, I think Jodie has always been a fucksexual. Meaning, she will fuck anything: dudes, chicks, back alley rodents, Fanta bottles, discarded turkeyburger meat, futons, sporks, Beta S cartridges, Babybel cheese and (insert everything that exists in the world today here). Jodie is an equal-opportunity fucker. She has a lot of love (and coochie diseases) to give! This is why I will always adore her. I would share a pot of tea and a dick with her anytime.

Here's Jodie with her new piece Ryan Fleming at the opening of some free clinic or whorehouse in Ireland last night. Jodie is looking demure as ever in a sophisticated ensemble that I believe Queen Elizabeth wore to her birthday ball a few days ago. Extreme elegance ahead. Proceed with caution.