Khia

Kim Kardashian's marriage and the conceiving of Justin Beiber's first baby in the bathroom are just two things that will last longer than Lindsay Lohan's latest time in jail. Reading that headline took more time than what it will take LiLo to prance into her cell, queef on her sheets so they have to change them and sashay out of the jail house before the scent clears. Judge Stephanie sentenced LiLo to 30 days in jail today (Note: Judge Stephanie telling LiLo "I order you to 30 days in jail" took more time than LiLo's time in jail will take.) but TMZ says she'll serve closer to 30 seconds than 30 days.

The Sheriff said that depending when LiLo checks in, she could spend the night there, but most people who get a misdemeanor sentence of 90 days or less are out within minutes. The Sheriff blamed it all on overcrowding and then made sure he said that LiLo was not getting special treatment at all.

You know, just when I think I've exhausted every last keystroke about this hilarious and disastrous shit, our prophet steps up to the altar and lets out more words of wisdom that make me raise my hands up and shout out: YAAASSSSSSS!

As always, the truth is what Khia speaks. One of LiLo's face freckles might as well morph into a teardrop, because that ho is a gangsta prison bitch and she hasn't even been in prison!

via ONTD

When you get up in the morning, tape two Top Ramen wrappers over your nipples, put your hand over your chest and repeat this NSFW self-loving speech into the mirror to get you through the day. These words of motivation work for every situation. Make sure you have some kind of bird creature nearby so it can let out a CAW when you pull its tail after every beat. Pledge allegiance, bitch!

And Stuart Smalley can officially retire now that Khia is here to lift us up.

via Kid Fury

That little blank space on Khia's mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for "concealing/endangering property-secured interest." Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia's gremlin brows while she's at it.

Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:

You never thought you'd see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.

Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia's Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it's first grade picture day or some shit.

"Ole as Methusalem" and "EBT Card Awards" are just a few of the priceless nuggets my second favorite philosopher next to Megan Fox spat out of her finger tips in an eloquent blog post on her personal A to Zs. While Beyonce and Chris Brown sip purified beluga whale urine out of black diamond goblets on their flying Maybachs, Khia did the real work by renting out a computer at Kinko's for 2 hours to read all of them their rights! Beyonce's handlers better have a chalk eraser handy to wipe off the outline around her, because Khia pretty much destroyed her (not really).

The best of are below and I really hope to see Khia's version of the ABCs in an upcoming episode of Sesame Street. You haven't really heard the phrase "turned to the side ass pussy" until you've heard it from Elmo.

Letter A- Amber Rose: Imma show this bitch a little love cuz she from Philly bald headed and all….She cute!!!! I aint gone judge the hoe because we all know she been on a strippa pole since she was 5 years old, suckin clits since 12, and decided to TRICK and SUCK every nigga in the game and wanna be a model at 35…… Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!! But I am gone roast at the fact that she leaked photos on the internet of that MILE loooooong, 18wheeler, turned to the SIDE ass pussy, with her DUMB ass and lost ALL of the MONEY! It didn’t work for KATRINA HARBOR and it’s NOT gonework for YOU!!!!! Someone stole your computer, someone stole her phone……Heard it all before!!!! Chile boooo…Stick to what ya know
Trickin, Strippen and Suckin dick and pussy lips…..Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!!

Letter B- Beyonce: Fuck this hoe………Can Kelly Rowland make a little bit of MONEY???? We all seen Kelly on the EBT card awards shut that shit down and here you come making Jay Z call in all of his favors to put you on the TV screen with that TIRED, THROUGH and DELAYED performance. We ALL could have passed on that! Imma a fan, true enough but we really sick of looking at you! Give Solange a chance or give your husband Jay Z some children cuz he getting ole as Methasulem and his time is running OUT!! Who runs the world? Girls…..Girls!

Letter C- Chris Brown: Oooooooooooo Hoooooooney…… How many records you sold????Cuz the sissy’s and punks all around the world saw ALLLLLLLL your bizness With your “Who told Harpo to beat me,” Blonde hair, Dick down to ya knees….. Redirect your anger please!! Looks like another Dennis Rodman to me….. I aint the one to gossip so you aint heard it from me!

Letter K-Katrina Laverne Taylor and Kimberly Denise Jones: I done let Lil Kim have it on my single “Fix Your Face,” available on I-tunes, so we gone dedicate the letter K to Katrina Harbor, who done gave all

these niggas and bull daggers HIV, Lupus and Grave’s Disease loosing hair and weight, with eyes and thyroids bulging out of the socket! Katrina Harbor has been killing niggas and bull-daggers for a whole decade…… When is yall niggas gone tell the truth? The hood already knows dis…..Easy E aint the only one who went out with a BANG… So glad I didn’t Juuuuuump on that dirty Diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!

Besides, I have already let the world know on the “Hit Er Up” diss that Katrina Harbor’s DURTY, ROTTEN and CORODED ass can’t have no babies…..Weezy aint been the same since he left your ass!!!! Aint no need to tweet about you NOT being PREG! When you don’t take your meds you shrink like a prune and when you do, you big as 2 Burger Kings!!!! Keep it real hoe!!!!!

I hear CVS has a new Minute Clinic but the problems you have with your PUSSIE pussy, you gotta go to the free CLINIC for that!!!!! Bobble Head Biiiiiiiitch!!!!!

Letter Z-Kim Zolciak: Kim you finally dropped Big Poppa like a bad habit because he couldn’t keep the rent and lights on at Shannon Mall in Union City! We all knew that you’s a gold digging, money hungary ass whore with no talent! Kandi wrote you a national hit and you couldn’t even perform it live because you were too busy trying to keep that synthetic wig in place that Derrick been sewing and stitching for years.Its funny how Kandi can write everybody else a hit…Opps, well enough of that back to the subject at hand..You finally struck gold with that young and tender football player after knowing him for only 90 days, you hit a home run with his first born son!!! Get Money Bitch………

Toss every poetry book in the library and replace them with a copy of this! I wish my life was like an episode of Herman's Head and I wish Khia was one of my emotions. Click here to read even more musings from the Shakespeare of Philadelphia.

via Crunk + Disorderly

Khia somehow found a way to rip Nicki Minaj's album off of Rapidshare and then it burn it onto a CD from one of Kinko's pay-by-the-hour computers AND THANK EVERYTHING SHE DID! When Khia gives one of her priceless sermons in front of the abandoned train tracks behind a Safeway, you better show up and be ready to get healed.

On her blog, the always prolific Khia delivered a track-by-track review of Nicki's album and sang out insightful quote after insightful quote! Quotes that need to be printed on a sticker and slapped on Nicki's album when it gets re-issued. I mean:

"It smells WORSER than the gas that’s coming out of my ASS, from all of the Turkey that I ate over the Thanksgiving weekend." - gold-selling recording artist KHIA!

"Her breast looked suculant, but I wouldn’t suck them wit Latifah’s lips! Shout out to the stylists and photographers who done a spectacular job, airbrushing and styling this “Dungeon Dragon” because we all know that this “Lint-Lizard” doesn’t look like this in person." - Sunglasses aficionado KHIA!

Why doesn't Khia have her own music column at Rolling Stone, The New York Times, the PennySaver, Street Wise, Real Change, Craigslist, etc..etc...? But enough of me, here's a little more of Khia trying to burn the ends of Nicki's wig with a half-used fireplace match (you can read the whole review here):

Track 3: Did It On’Em
What did you do? Because it’s obvious that you will not sell any RECORDS, don’t get too “COMFY” over there at Cash Money Records Sweeeeetie because if they DROPPED Teena Marie, they are going to be SWEEPING your ASS out the DOOR pretty soon! I Thank my husband for DROPPING Lil Mo becuase her LIPS weighed more than her ALBUM sales and needed to be picked UP from draaaaaaaging the floor! Every night me and my husband Weezy still fight about him letting Teena Marie go!

Track 4: Right Thru Me
We see right past your dumb ass! See through you, walk over you, step on you, so tired of you! I know it won’t be long before I hear about you in the PAPER! I smell a nervous BREAK DOWN coming on…..You’re not BUILT for this!

Track 6: Save Me
I just told yall to SAVE this bitch…….She is DROWNING, FALLEN and can’t GET Up! Don’t give up though, keep swimming……… Hopefully, you will be able to keep Hope alive for all of lil girls that’s drowning! Seems like, Willow Smith and Justin Bieber should have been featured on the album, because the chilren are the only ones who are pleased with the works of this tired ass album. Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!

Track 8: Check It Out
Check what out? The best thing on this track is the “Feature” WIL-I-AM…… I can’t believe I wasted my $13.99 on this BULL SHIT, I told yall that it aint no damn Barbies in the hood! I can’t wait for Matel to sue this bitch for all of the $3.60 that she earned! When is this bitch gonna learn that they stealing all of the money?

Track 9: Blazin
The only thing that’s “Blazin” is Onika’s pussy! Yeah fellas, it’s burning……Flaming Hot! Bitches will do anything for a record deal! Onika, look in the mirror! Are you pleased with yourself? We seen the BEFORE, it would have been better if you came out AFTER all of the surgery!

Track 11: Dear Old Nicki
RIP…….Case closed and casket DROPPED!

WRIST FULL OF COLORFUL RUBBER BANDS! Now you know how Jesus' disciples felt that day on the plain, right? Where is the Khia Finch version of The Bible?!

But seriously, Nicki Minaj is probably like, "Who?!"

If you ever find yourself inside Khia's house and notice a cup full of candy canes with bits of crusted Cream of Wheat on them, stay away, because after reading this you will know exactly where that shit has been and the kind of clit they've seen! Khia tells Vibe Magazine that you can celebrate the spirit of Christmas all year long by sticking a little ho ho ho in your hoo hoo hoo. Khia says:

"Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated."

And I don't even want to know what she does with Pop Rocks....

via Crunk + Disorderly

It's been a while since we've sat in on one of Khia's sermons, so here's her thoughts on Trina's leaked naked pictures. Bow your head, and listen to the preacher preach!

Keep your head bowed, she's not done yet.

Now raise your hands to the sky, and nod like you know what she's going on about! Seriously, I never thought it was possible for someone to mumble through their Tweets, but Khia has proven me wrong.

And you know that pile of rubber bands on your desk? Yeah, you might want to keep those in your drawer from now on.

via Crunktastical

Right after taking the stage at a party, Trina, the self-proclaimed "baddest bitch," went off on prolific poet Khia. Trina told the audience how she really felt about Khia claiming that she's the true HBIC of the 305.

Coincidentally, this is pretty much the same speech Ivana Trump gave to the screaming kids on her flight.

via Hip Hop Wired

This blog entry from the most prolific blogger on the interwebs is over a week old, but it's been a while since I've posted her words of wisdom, so I felt it was about time to catch up.

In one of her posts from October 28th, Queen Khia eloquently writes about Diddy's possible homoness and his choice to feature his twinsies naked in L'uomo Vogue.

Khia is truly a poet, but you might want to massage your eyeballs and gulp down another cup of coffee before you start getting into it. Every time I read something from Khia, one of my eyeballs quits this bitch and goes lazy.

P-Diddy what the hell is really going on???? Where the hell is Kim Porter and your Lil Kim looking ass MAMMIE???

I know Janice Combs didn’t appove this shit here!!!!!!!! Now….The Hood already knew that you had a little SUGA in your TANK and that you FUCKED FARNSWORTH and that’s why you never married Kim and you STOLE Danity Kane’s Money…. But a PEDIFILE?????? You gotta clear this one up for me Diddy!!!!!! Why is the HOOD calling you a PEDIFILE????? Is it because you really got a THANG for BOYS?????? Or is because you have pictures of you and your little girls butt-ass naked with Chippendale Bow-ties around their small ass NECKS??? This look like some Michael Jackson bullshit…

Is this what money make you do??? Exploit your own children??? Supa Throat said Dat…
I know Kim didn’t approve this!!!!! Aint no amount of money in the WORLD that will make me EXPLOIT my own children!!!!! You shoulda called The Queen for advice on this one!!!! Somebody in your CAMP shoulda told you… That’s not a good look!. So since they slippin……. I‘m here to tell ya!!!!!!!!! Nigga you aint shit!!!!!!!! Nasty, Freaky, Tired Son Of A Bitch….. Take them pictures down and call and stop all the press and print publications IMMEDIATELY…… You look like Heffner the ultimate P-I-M-P and the babies are “The Girls Next Door”!!!!!!!! NO DEAL!!!!! What are you promoting?????? Baby PORN????? And since we talkin bout HEFF…..HEFF… When is you gonna have a Nappy-Headed whore on the cover of Playboy Magazine???????? White Boys love CHOCOLATE too….. Call the Queen!!!!!! Heyyyyy Datwon Thomas……I got your call……. Im still waiting on you….. Imma be nice… I promise!!! LMAO!!!!!!! But that shit aint even FUNNY!!! Diddy…. While you talkin bout Aubrey being in a cold and lonely place…. Bitch, You can’t FIRE ME…….. You gone be in a COLD, DARK and LONELY Place when SHINE comes HOME…… Spring ‘09!!!! Yessssssssss!!!

I just have one thing to say: when is this bitch going to be on "The View"?! Because her view is cracked out and needs to be heard! And I have no idea what a "pedifile" is, but it sounds like something I can get at Sally Beauty Supply.

Thanks Jess

Is "Miss Rap Supreme" even worth watching anymore? The hell?! Khia was disqualified during yesterday's episode for not doing an original rap during the elimination round. This hot bitch barely got any small-screen time.

Khia took to her MySpace to blast the judges and contestants. I have no idea what the hell she's writing about, but I agree with her.

First of all, there was nothing but a bunch of crack heads, whores and undercover bull-daggers in the house! Much love to Nicky2States and Rese Steele, the only two real bitches in the house and Byata… Byata was cool!!! Now, back to what I a was saying…… How in the hell is two clown muthafuckas gone judge me, when I out sold them? Just tell me that!!! I out sold and out shined everybody in the house including the judges….. That’s why they were hating!!! Serch hating ass….. Talking about obscurity and oblivion… He must have been talking about himself!!!! Because no one remembers the gas face and I am sure everyone remembers my MEGA HIT… MY Neck, My Back…. There’s not many artist, male or female that’s had a MEGA hit! They’re still fishing for it and I caught my fish the first throw!!!!!! Salmon….Pleeeeeeease!

Cheating… No B-I-T-C-H!!!! Checkmate!!! Yessssss!!! Yall bitches still don’t get it????? Is that the short bus I hear blowing outside???? PROMOTION….. Full promotion of my shit!!! VH1 put my face in millions of homes!!! I used VH1 to promote myself and my music!!! What part of that don’t you people understand? That was my plan from the beginning, not cheating but winning(stupid muthafuckas) The joke is on yall….. AGAIN!!!!!!!! I never intended on following the rules… Neva have…..I make the rules…… I am the boss….. My mission….. Accomplished!!!!!!!!!!! Yall bitches is so DELAYED!!!!! PROMOTION!!! !!!!!!! That’s why I was on the show!!!

The excessive use of exclamation points should get this chick some sort of award. I can hear her screaming through the entire post. She takes a few breaks to spray some Chloraseptic on her fingers and she keeps going.

Khia was also asked by Vh1 blog about being a one-hit wonder, she said, “If I had a Britney machine or a Rihanna machine, I woulda been the beautifulest thing in the world, too.”

Beautifulest! Damn, this bitch is a poet in every way.