Beautifulest

All day long I've been wishing for something or someone to come along to class this joint up a bit. You know, a thing of real beauty to take the focus off the crusty stains in the carpet or that old pizza box on the floor that you refuse to throw away. Well, someone up there (SPOILER ALERT: Besus Arthur) has answered my prayers, because look at what the mini-mall plastic surgeon dragged in! BEHOLD!

Wipe the crust off your mouth, put some pants on and wash out our one good cup, because there's a real lady in our presence!

Doesn't she look like a nymphet princess covered in crystal pure rain drops and the tears of virgin angels? This is rare! You only find ravishing beauties like this at a Vh1 casting call or slouched over a toilet in the bathroom of a strip club.

The paparazzi claim that the dude escorting Dlisted's new beauty ambassador is Nikki Sixx. Yeah, that's not Nikki Sixx. That's Patti Stanger dressed as Nikki Sixx. Do you blame her? I too would dress up like Nikki Sixx if it meant I got to hold the precious hand of a modern day Aphrodite.

Roger Ebert can no longer speak, eat or drink on his own after undergoing several surgeries for thyroid cancer. But thanks to a Scottish company, Roger Ebert can speak again in his own words. The computer-generated voice was built using hours of audio from Roger's DVD commentaries and TV shows. In an interview with Oprah that airs this afternoon, Roger debuted his new voice.

So now you'll have to tell your co-workers that your eyes aren't red, because you were crying like a baby while watching the clip above. You'll have to tell them that you were just smoking crack in the gas station bathroom during your lunch hour. And the wet spots on your shirt aren't tears. It's the cum stains left by the hustler you picked up on the side of the road. You know, the hustler you smoked crack with in the bathroom. There's your defense.

via Videogum

No, the man with Jersey Shore's J-Woww (or JWoo-Hoo if your name is Vicki from Real Housewives of OC) is not Dana Carvey dressed as James Cameron for an SNL Oscar special. It's her daddy Terry Farley! Now we finally know where J-Woww gets her stunning good looks from.

I don't know why J-Woww has been hiding D-Woww. As soon as that Angelina trick and her Hefty luggage set left the shore house, D-Woww should've moved right in. If he danced by himself on the boardwalk, everyone would've gathered around and made it rain dollars on his ass. Seriously, eff those Jersey Shore whores, give DWoww his own show.

Brit Brit's weave mites were getting into the bags of grits, so Daddy Spears sent her off to the salon to get that shit fumigated.

Last night, Brit Brit showed up to the Nine Zero One salon for the works! The staff puts on their hazard suits, flea dipped Brit, tamed her weave with a garden hoe and a peroxide prayer, rolled her in Cheeto dust and brought Maaco in to do her face. VOILA!

Brit Brit went in looking like a beautiful and rare Louisiana trailer park dandelion that tastes like 4-day-old Frapp crust and causes you to hallucinate about Christmas when you chew on it. And Brit came out looking like something Hulk Hogan would love to massage while wearing a yellow speedo. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Brit looked better before.

But I shouldn't worry, she'll be back to looking like her old stunning self when she rolls off the futon tomorrow morning. Yay!

The original CoCo (okay, the second original Coco) (okay, the third original Coco) wants to know why MySpace would delete this demure portrait of the road to her pristine anus. CoCo asked this important question on her Twatter yesterday:

Why did myspace take this pic down.Are they offended by ass-crack?Its female curvature!

CoCo has a point. MySpace allows thousands of pictures of tweens in their training bras, but yet they throw the holy water on this G-rated picture of CoCo's back chichis? To be honest, I don't really see an ass crack. All I see is two pot-bellied pigs doing ass-to-ass.

Okay, to be fair to Janet Jackson, she only looks like she snarls at the Whos while perched atop Mount Crumpit in the picture above. In the rest of the pictures, she doesn't look like she's going to snatch away Christmas anytime soon. The photographer just caught her at her grinchiest moment.

Here's more pictures of Janet at London Fashion Week looking aaaaaaaaalmost as naturally gorgeous as La Toya (I don't mean that, La Toya). Janet was also lucky enough to pose with the sexy matchstick known as Tilda Swinton.

Even though Johnny Weir didn't get a medal on Thursday night, he still didn't let that rain on his rhinestone and sequins parade. Johnny drizzled his glamour all over a Budweiser Olympics party (for his sake, I hope they also served Andre) in Vancouver last night.

Johnny killed those hos wearing the same black jumpsuit my mother wore to her company holiday party in 1993 (it was scandalous times). She said she was going for an "En Vogue" look. Never gonna git it!

True fact: That is not a light behind Olympic gold medalist Shaun White. That's the bright beam of light that radiates off of his ginger fall of follicles. If you're ever caught in a blackout, make sure Shauna White is with you. Not only will he light the room, but if you pull your top up, his ginger fire will warm the nip out of your nipples.

So how does Shaun White keep his hair Rojo Caliente fresh? People asked the US snowboarder this majorly importante question, and he answered:

“My secret is an awesome new product – called water. It’s pretty curly on its own. I just use the hotel shampoo and conditioner and wash it every other day, because otherwise it gets huge. Two days of snowboarding in a helmet helps — it looks better dirtier.”

Shampoo and water? Uh huh. Translation: Shaun's beauty secret is just that.....A SECRET! You know Shaun marinates his hair in a bowl of saffron water every night and sleeps with a cap full of chili oil and hot sauce. We know the ginge truth!

One of the photo agencies I got this picture from says that Dreamboat Doherty didn't look well as he left Koko Club in Camden last night. Maybe my eyes have grown accustomed to his sore-y face (I should get that checked out by a doctor), but he still looks like if Helena Bonham Carter caught leprosy, got attacked by a zombie and then tried to cool her rage by drinking gallons of embalming fluid. This is the way he always looks! This is the Dreamy I fell in love with (again, I should get that checked out by a doctor).

What we should really be focusing is the dude on the left's hairline. That's the real story. Let's get a little closer, shall we?

What in the name of Kid 'N Play!!!!?! I didn't know a hairline like that existed anymore outside of Jermaine Jackson's head. Shit. At least we know Vanilla Ice still has one fan. Ice ice baby.

Brit Brit Spears and her equally raggedy ass boyfriend Jason Trainwreck rolled through a McDonald's drive-thru yesterday afternoon for a romantic Valentine's Day hangover lunch since there's no Waffle Houses in California.

Just let me believe that they went home, moved the plastic KMart patio table from the backyard to the family room, threw a white sheet over it, decorated it with plastic flowers (from a centerpiece stolen from one of her cousin's weddings) and tealights, and then had themselves a VD meal fit for a Cheetoling! They serenaded themselves with Big Mac farts and Coke burps. This is exactly how I expect Brit Brit to spend her Valentine's Day.