Beautifulest

The police officers in Torrington, CT are a bunch of fun killers. 41-year-old Mindy Lomento was just trying to get her dick on when the police showed up to break up the fucking fuck fun. Yeah, Mindy was doing it in the woods where everyone could see, but what was a bitch supposed to do? By the looks of her meth face, you know she probably smoked up all her motel money, so she had no choice! Besides, Mother Nature created the woods just so nasty whores could do sex in there. The truth.

Mindy is a freak, because homegirl was caught with two dudes: 34-year-old Gregory WANKlin (the surprised piece in the red t-shirt below) and 24-year-old David Perry (the shirtless hunk below). The bitch who called 911 said they witnessed Mindy doing sex stuff with David Perry. When the cops showed up, they caught Gregory's dick in Mindy's coochie jar. They were all arrested for public indecency.

Even though the police are not right, I'm happy Mindy was arrested, because now the world has this beautiful mug shot. It's obvious why all the peens in the yard want to hit it. They just can't get enough of Mindy's orgasm face. And I have a feeling that Mindy's O face is the same as her OD face. Bitch is my kind.

The Empress of Lucite's nipples are as giving as her heart. Yesterday in Miami, Shauna Sand felt that the beach needed some beautifying, so she undid her bikini top and let her lucite balls work their magic. Instantly, the seaweed on the beach disappeared and the water turned lucite blue. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased to see Shauna's nips. The sand dollars on the beach slid deep into the ocean, because they knew they could not compete with the almighty lucite one's nipples.

Enough of this teasing, Shauna's nipples of wonder are after the jump. I would recommend looking at these pictures through a tiny hole in a piece of paper or you might be blinded by her raw elegance. Actually, I really do think God was inspired by Shauna's nipples when he created the eclipse. JUMP!!!

This stunning glamour shot should make you dump all your Sharpies into the bottom drawer for another day and pick up a BIC liquid ball point pen for your all your future eyebrow needs. Beautiful teeter-totter brows are the thing (this week).

I'm sure you don't even have to worry about taking a lady razor to your brows to achieve this ravishing look, because they probably fainted and fell off after first glance of this picture.

VIA The Smoking Gun (Thanks Sean)

If you didn't go to Sunday mass yesterday, because you were kind of busy worshiping a god of the porcelain variety, you're in luck! This is your holy experience of the week. Looking into the eyes of the Empress of Lucite is just like having a conversation with God. Strangely enough, it's also like having a conversation with an elegant alien swine. Shauna Sand is not only a religious experience, she's an out-of-this-world experience too.

I mean, Shauna's chest area also looks like the River Jordan flowing in between the holy mountains. It doesn't get more spiritual than that.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite beautifying the beaches of Miami on Saturday. Bow your heads and let us pray....

I've long been a fan of the Flirt Catalog, so it pleases my loins to see that Heather Graham also knows where to go when she wants to look like an elegant lady who douches with the finest of wine coolers and doesn't give a lap dance for less than $5. Nothing says class and "I'm not wearing chonies" like a short, black, easy access dress. My only gripe is Heather's choice of shoes. A pair of exquisite lucite heels with Christmas light accents would have taken this ensemble to the next level.

Here's the pristine flower at the premiere of The Hangover in Dublin yesterday with Bradley Cooper.

These pictures gave me cotton mouth! Kim Zolciak and her new best homegirl Derrick J sucked the moisture right out of me! Really. Did you think it was possible for a bitch to wear a bedspread from the Waikiki Howard Johnson (circa 1983) quite like that?! You can almost feel the fresh tropical breezes blowing through your hair. Or maybe Derrick's no-no queefed again.

Derrick put on those red pumps and stomped on every ho in the room! Yet another ensemble from him that gave my nipples the hiccups.

And what about Kim?! I think her wig is showing signs of life! She must be feeding it Alpo, because it's looking healthy. Real wigs eat meat! It was also nice of Kim to get her Pound Puppy wig a friend. Just peek at the mangled birds trapped on her ankles. They pecked up the crumbs left by her wig.

Here's a few pictures of Kim at a party she threw with her Real Housewives of Atlanta castmate Kandi Burruss last night. NeNe was a no-show, but Sheree came. There's more pictures at FreddYo! They all might have left their dignity at home, but they did bring the glamour full force!

England's premiere pristine lady, Jodie Marsh, says she has turned into a bodybuilder. This is kind of the like the time she turned lesbian for a quick minute, but instead of lifting clits with her tongue, she's lifting weights with her hands. Jodie tells New! Magazine that she was getting too soft and she wanted her body to match her rock hard tittays, so she hit started hitting the gym 6 times a week.

You know, she could've lost some of the "softness" by cutting down on fatty jizz. This is what I was told anyway. One time, a smart ass bitch told me to stop eating so much sperm after I complained that my stomach had a serious case of the softs. And ruin my social life? Eff that! I'd rather have a jiggly stomach than a tarnished image! Anyway.....

After just six months of working out, Jodie says she has gone from a size 12 to a size 6. And she isn't stopping there! Jodie will continue to work out in hopes that she'll be able to compete on the bodybuilder circuit, "I've still got loads to go. I might do a bodybuilder competition in August."

Maybe she meant she's going to do all the contestants in a bodybuilder competition, because I'm not convinced Jodie wants to look like Vadge's roidy-clit.

And I know you're probably sick with worry that one day Jodie will crush her fantastic chichis by dropping a barbel on them, but do not fret! Jodie's titties can't take it since I'm sure she regularly injects liquid concrete into them. She has always admired the breasts of stone statues.

When I first saw this picture of Lesley Vogel, Hayden Panatroll's mama je'e, over at TMZ, my palms got sweaty, my throat closed up and my asshole started to twitch a bit. The latter occurred, because Lesley's nose is so erect. You just want to put a Trojan on it and hop on it. Homegirl has a hung nose!

And those luscious lips! If Mickey Rourke and Lisa Rinna's collagen needles had a dream baby.....

That being said, Lesley is still more glamorous and gorgeous than her daughter. I speak the truth.

Here is the Vaseline-covered beauty at the opening of The Painted Nail in L.A. last night.

The crack rock of my eye, Shane MacGowan of The Pogues, used to have the mouth of a day-shift truck stop methwhore who is famous for giving handjobs with her mouth (copyright: Hipster Grifter). Well, gone are the days of eating nothing but mushy Crack-O-Meal, because Shane got new teefs! The Sun says Shane stumbled on over to Spain so that a dentist could fill with mouth with shiny grey Chiclets! Shane said he only had the surgery, because his face was "falling apart."

Aw. Don't you kind of miss the old Shane? His mouth looked like the inside of a bag of melted Gummi Bears and there was something endearing about that. Although, it probably won't be long before Shane's got his beautiful old mouth back after he finds a dealer who will trade a baggie of the bad shit for a toof!

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!