Beautifulest

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!

People Magazine's annual 100 Most Beautiful issue is out and they got it all wrong! That picture of Bea Arthur should be the entire cover. Actually, Bea should be on every single page, including the back. Okay, maybe not every single page. They could've devoted one page to Salma Hayek's magnificent married chichis, but the rest should've been Bea. They also should have temporarily changed the name of the magazine to BEAPLE.

Instead of doing that, People put Kelly Bundy on the cover which really doesn't bother me, but the rest of the 100 does. The list includes: Halle Berry (BORING), Carrie Underwears (BORINGER), Angelina Jolie (BORINGEST), Melissa Rycroft (BORINGESTER) and JLo (Are you asleep yet?). Seriously, that is like a big bowl of salad without the dressing or croutons. Or even Bac-Os. If they weren't going to devote their lives to Bea this week, they should've at least filled the magazine with the truly most beautiful people in the world.

I mean, no Empress of Lucite, no Chicken Cutlets (and she really needs this right now), no Carrot Top, no Prince Hot Ginge, no Mah Boo and no Harvey Price?! How can you devote an entire magazine to beauty without any them in it? It's criminal and it's full of lies!

The Iron Man 2 set in Pasadena, CA was on fire yesterday when Robert Downey Jr. sashayed FOR HIS LIFE in a pair of sex-me-up heels from Tommy Girl's "Get It Girl" collection. Don't fuck it up, RDJ!

RDJ is looking extra puckery in those heels. They make his nalgas pop and clench. You know he's taking them home with him.

*Images removed per request*

The most beautifulest creature on this planet we all live in temporarily slipped of her exquisite lucite heels to give back to those less fortunate. Yesterday, the epitome of elegance, Shauna Sand, visited a shoe orphanage on Melrose and gave some needy shoes a reason to go on. In fact, those boots were a pair of old, dusty, worn out UGGS ! When Shauna slipped her precious feet in them, glittered showered from the sky and a thunderbolt hit them. They were reborn! Now they are fit for a queen! Specifically, a queen who hosts bingo once a week at Hamburger Mary's.

And below is The Empress wearing the most elegant dress(?) your eyes did ever see. A dress that was made from the jizz drops of angels! My only wish in life is that Shauna will wear this ravishing ensemble while she's giving the eulogy at my funeral. And by "eulogy," I mean pole dance.

I'm talking about oh-so-purdy Zac Efron, not that Vanessa Hudgens skank. I mean, she's not sleeeeeeeping and she's the one who's supposed to be Sleeping Beauty!

This is some shit shot by Annie Liebovitz for Disney featuring two of their hardest-working prostitutes as Prince Philip and Princess Aurora. Why does Zac look like he's jizzing in his pants from smelling her make-up. That's because he probably is. Zac totally slaps his peen while painting his no-no lips with a concealer stick.

Was it necessary to make Zac look like he just walked out of a make-up challenge on Ru Paul's Drag Race. How many MAC counters are sitting on his face? There's enough paint on his precious mug to keep Xtina's bronzer closet fully stocked for the next ten years.

Dear Women of the World,

Please spend the rest of your day carefully studying the stunning creature known as Jodie Marsh. This is how all of you should look on a daily basis. Yes, your coochie might fall into a coma, your titties might spontaneously combust and STDs will flock to you like a moth to a flame, but it would be worth it.

This is the epitome of grace and beauty. If I was a woman, a biological woman, I would wear this outfit every second of the day. Jodie Marsh is what all of you should aspire to be.

Also, please petition for Jodie to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. They will have to change her character name to SmellyCatwoman, but Jodie can pull it off.

Thank you.

Love, Kisses and Lucite,
Michael K

Why is it that the siblings of celebrities almost always look like the food-stamp-version of their brother or sister? I mean, Zac Efron grew up to become such a pretty, pretty, Cover Girl princess and his younger brother....well...not so much. I would throw Paris Hilton's acid jizz at my sister if she was hotter than my ass. The few people that have said, "Oh, sorry. Your sister is hotter," have immediately been put on my "Bitches to NOT save in a fire" list.

Zac is extremely close to losing his Cover Girl tiara, because a true Cover Girl does not attend events looking like John Travolta's lubed-up butt ball. Homegirl needs to blot and powder. He's at the ESPY Awards, so he was probably trying to be all manly and shit. Lezzie, please!

Or maybe it's James Haven wearing a wig and a pillow? I'm not sure. InTouch Weekly has these pictures of of a still knocked up Angie in France four days ago. I know you've been up all night wondering if the chosen ones' golden feetsies have touched our mortal soil yet. Well, they are still cozy and safe in Angie's holy oven.

And we care because Angie and Brad are the most wonderfuliest, amazingiest and beautifuliest couple in the entire known universe and beyond! Don't you know?!

Is "Miss Rap Supreme" even worth watching anymore? The hell?! Khia was disqualified during yesterday's episode for not doing an original rap during the elimination round. This hot bitch barely got any small-screen time.

Khia took to her MySpace to blast the judges and contestants. I have no idea what the hell she's writing about, but I agree with her.

First of all, there was nothing but a bunch of crack heads, whores and undercover bull-daggers in the house! Much love to Nicky2States and Rese Steele, the only two real bitches in the house and Byata… Byata was cool!!! Now, back to what I a was saying…… How in the hell is two clown muthafuckas gone judge me, when I out sold them? Just tell me that!!! I out sold and out shined everybody in the house including the judges….. That’s why they were hating!!! Serch hating ass….. Talking about obscurity and oblivion… He must have been talking about himself!!!! Because no one remembers the gas face and I am sure everyone remembers my MEGA HIT… MY Neck, My Back…. There’s not many artist, male or female that’s had a MEGA hit! They’re still fishing for it and I caught my fish the first throw!!!!!! Salmon….Pleeeeeeease!

Cheating… No B-I-T-C-H!!!! Checkmate!!! Yessssss!!! Yall bitches still don’t get it????? Is that the short bus I hear blowing outside???? PROMOTION….. Full promotion of my shit!!! VH1 put my face in millions of homes!!! I used VH1 to promote myself and my music!!! What part of that don’t you people understand? That was my plan from the beginning, not cheating but winning(stupid muthafuckas) The joke is on yall….. AGAIN!!!!!!!! I never intended on following the rules… Neva have…..I make the rules…… I am the boss….. My mission….. Accomplished!!!!!!!!!!! Yall bitches is so DELAYED!!!!! PROMOTION!!! !!!!!!! That’s why I was on the show!!!

The excessive use of exclamation points should get this chick some sort of award. I can hear her screaming through the entire post. She takes a few breaks to spray some Chloraseptic on her fingers and she keeps going.

Khia was also asked by Vh1 blog about being a one-hit wonder, she said, “If I had a Britney machine or a Rihanna machine, I woulda been the beautifulest thing in the world, too.”

Beautifulest! Damn, this bitch is a poet in every way.