Too Much Information

File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

Full House's Jodie Sweetin has a new book out called "Unsweetined" (I guess "How Rooood" was already taken), which chronicles her road from child star to crackhouse resident. To promote the book, Jodie spent a little time with UsWeekly to basically tell them all the weird places she got fucked up at. The interview reads like a food journal for junkies! Or like the average Dlisted reader's diary entry. This is what I'm talking about:

Jodie on getting the drunk barfs at Candace Cameron's wedding:
"I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do."

Jodie on driving drunk while her baby daughter was in the car:
"That was the big rock bottom. I had two glasses of wine and drove with her in the car. I not only put myself in danger, but also my daughter, who I loved more than anything. I felt terrible."

Jodie on claiming to be sober on GMA even though she was fucked up:
"I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine."

Jodie on doing meth in the bathroom at the premiere of the Olsen Troll's movie New York Minute:
"I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn't even look strung out!"

In Jodie's defense, anybody who sat through New York Minute wishes they had given themselves a meth-enema before they watched it. And I'm guessing Kirk Cameron was at Candace's wedding, so that explains why she swallowed 2 bottles of the sweet nectar. Yes, my real name is Michael "Enabler" Kay Kae.

At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.

Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won't be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.

Sheriff Jim said this isn't so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene's "education level is only high school ... he may be nutty, but he's not a professor." DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.

The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone's precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could've spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother's Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch's hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by "death row," I mean the guest room in the Gosselin's house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:

"Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!" - Richard Heene

VIA Jezebel

Somewhere in the world, Martha Stewart is flicking at her nipples as punishment for not coming up with this herself! It's a gross thing!

Someone's mind did actually venture into the darkside and thought it would be a perfect idea to turn their placenta into a teddy bear. If a ho wants to turn her womb cake into a teddy bear, have at it, but she could at least use pieces of the umbilical cord to give it eyes and a smile! Because it kind of just looks like a boring bear made out of empanadas. Poor thing has the personality of a....well...of a dead placenta.

And now I won't be able to eat a delicious empanada without thinking that I might just be nibbling on deep fried placenta.

Source VIA Jezebel

Only kinky fuckery goes down at the ‘Fiesta DC’ Latino block-party and now here's proof! Wonkette posted this picture of The Washington Post's mascot getting dressed in a parking lot behind an apartment building while some chick (Monica Lewinsky?) helped him out. Don't even try to figure out what ole' boy on the right is doing. Let's not travel to that land.

You thought pulling pubes out of your teeth after a beej session was annoying, can imagine what the furry fluffer had to go through after this shit? Homegirl probably got fleas in her mouth! Bitch had to chew on Frontline pills for days.

And you can tell by the look in the dog's wonky eyes that she is all teeth. WHY! WHY? WHY!

P.S. - She was just helping him get dressed or sewing up a hole in his costume. I think.

Meet Steve, just a regular dude with a mullet who wanted to give the world a little taste of his soothing singing voice, but instead gave us an eyeful (and throatful, ugh).

On UK's The X-Factor over the weekend, Steve sang "It's My Party" while the judges and audience laughed at the major party going on in his crotch area. And what in the Elephantitis hell is going on in his crotch area? Steve either has a major case of Cisco Adler-itis or he's got peen for daaaaaays. Or maybe he stuffed a Susan Boyle doll down there for good luck?

Poor Steve. All he wants to do is sing, but his big bulge just won't let him be great.

You decide who is the zombie here (SPOILER ALERT: They both are).

Detective La Toya, who is working on a case where she has to go undercover as a slutty majorette, shared a meal with Larry King and his trophy piece at Spago's in Beverly Hills last night. Larry just sat there licking up the dust off of discarded chicken bones while La Toya rattled on about the mysteries of life. Seriously, who knows what they talked about, but nothing good can come of it. And by "nothing good," I mean everything right.

Picture this: Ryan O'Neal is at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, scoping out the situation and seeing what's sexy, when a woman comes up to hug him. Ryan immediately turns to her and says, "Hey, sweet cheeks. Who's your daddy?" And the woman responds, "You are. No, seriously, you are. Like seriously. You're my father." This is basically the story Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair in their newest issue. Yes, because hitting on a piece at the "love of your life's" funeral isn't skeezy enough, Ryan had to hit on his own daughter and tell the public-at-large about it. While Papa Joe nods in approval and gives a peens up to Ryan, the rest of us are shaking our heads to keep the dry heaves from becoming wet.

Ryan told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo), "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

Ryan O'Neal touched me inappropriately with that quote. Seriously, you know that "This is your brain on drugs" PSA? They can redo that shit and use a picture of Ryan instead of a pan filled with fried eggs. Ryan O'Neal is fried eggs. I mean, if you can't even recognize your own daughter, it's time to pull the sheets over your head and take a nap. Your booze and bad stuff privileges have been temporarily revoked!

When Vanity Fair asked Tatum about it, she sighed, "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."

Oh, how I wish this was a promo shot for Crypt Karl's new pop group. Unfortunately, it's not. Karl somehow found himself in between a trio of sloppy camel toes at the premiere of Totally Spies in Paris last night.

If Karl's organs still worked, he probably would have busted an artery over having to pose with these three BBCT (big beautiful camel toes). Now, it's not the giant toes that bother Karl, it's the fact that they are so sloppy and fat! After these pictures were taken, Karl probably yelled at the puss bulges and told them to "lose ze weight." The poor fatty toes probably ran to the nearest toilet to barf, because Karl gave them such a complex. They won't eat sausage for weeks! Leave it to Karl to make a vagina bulimic and anorexic. Pussyrexic!

After all these years, Marilyn Manson is still saying shit that sounds like it came directly from the MySpace journal of an angsty 14-year-old Emo kid. Marilyn's words of creepiness used to make my soul weep like Michelle Duggar's uterus, but now I just shrug and say, "That's Mari!" Which leads us to an interview Marilyn did with Spin Magazine. Marilyn talks about how his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood left him so sad-like that he cut himself up and still dreams about hitting her in the head with a Peter Gabriel song.

Marilyn said, "I sing about it on 'Into the Fire.' I say, 'If you want to hit bottom, don't bother trying to take me with you.' My lowest point was Christmas Day 2008, because I didn't speak to my family. My walls were covered in scrawlings of the lyrics and cocaine bags nailed to the wall. And I did have an experience where I was struggling to deal with being alone and being forsaken and being betrayed by putting your trust in one person, and making the mistake of that being the wrong person. And that's a mistake that everyone can relate to. I made the mistake of trying to, desperately, grasp on and save that and own it. And every time I called her that day -- I called 158 times -- I took a razorblade and I cut myself on my face or on my hands."

"I look back and it was a really stupid thing to do. This was intentional, this was a scarification, and this was like a tattoo. I wanted to show her the pain she put me through. It was like, 'I want you to physically see what you've done.' It sounds made up but it's completely true and I don't give a shit if people believe it or not. I've got the scars to prove it. I didn't want people to ask me every time I did an interview, 'Oh, is this record about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?' But that damage is part of it, and the song 'I Want to Kill You Like They Do in The Movies' is about my fantasies. I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer."

Doesn't that just sound like something you'd find on the t-shirt in a clearance bin at Hot Topic?

At least Marilyn isn't cutting up his beautiful face anymore. That's not good. By the looks of him today (see above if you haven't already been blinded), it looks like the only thing he's been cutting up lately is pie. And really, that's a good thing. Don't cut your face, cut up a pie instead!