Too Much Information

I'm looking at the yellow rubber Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.

Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong's b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:

"I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole...I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: 'Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass'..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?...I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”

Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I'd always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong's roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I'm surprised that Lance's bike seat isn't shaped like a giant tongue.

April's friend is a brave bitch, though. She's a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She's also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance's wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April's friend could've lost her tongue. That's like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you're tossing Lance's salad and the next minute you're picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.

And now we know what's really going on in this picture:

If that's not a "So, can I sit on your face?" look, I don't know what is.

via Examiner and Deadspin

Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah's porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that's exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it's been so long since a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, "Really? When was the last time?", her dumb ass says, "This is my first time!" (Side note: I hate myself for typing "a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor," because it made me think of the Three's Company theme song. Now, all day I'll be singing to myself, "Come on fuck my backdoor, stick your dick in some poo..." Actually, I sing that every day, all day anyway, but you know...)

Guess what? That wasn't the first time Teen Mom Farrah's culo hole has been poked by a peen. During an interview with The Dirty's Nik Richie about her porn, he asked her why she skipped coochie sex and went straight to butt sex in her tape. There's a good reason for why the close-up on Farrah's b-hole during her anal sex scene reminds me of that scene in The Descent when Sarah falls down a black hole of doom. Farrah loves butt sex, has had butt sex tons of time and got her butt cherry popped when she was just 15. Nik and Farrah's conversation about her love of backdoor banging went like this:

Nik: For a girl that doesn't have sex a lot, all of a sudden you're like, "I want anal"?

Farrah: I've had anal before.

Nik: And you like it?

Farrah: I do!

Nik: Number one choice? Like that's what you want to do?

Farrah: Why not? I had anal before I had "real" sex. Like if you want to know sexual history, I mean, I can choose whatever I want.

Nik: I do want to know your sexual history.

Farrah: This is a little bit weird, but if you want to go there... That's how I feel. Why can't I do whatever I want? I can hang from a monkey bar and do sex up there first if I wanted to.

Nik: But you're telling me you had anal before you had actual "real" sex.

Farrah: In my real life.

Nik: From Derek or from someone else? Farrah: I had anal with somebody else.

Nik: At what age?

Farrah: 15. Then I started dating Derek and then having, like, real sex.

Nik: And you enjoyed anal more?

Farrah: I did.

Why does Nik Richie keep on getting on Farrah about ass sex? He should be encouraging her to only have ass sex. It's better for humanity if Backdoor Ferret only gets it in the butt, because then she won't procreate! (Unless she has ass sex with Lil' Wayne, because his super mutant sperm are equipped with GPS devices and will find a way to get to her ovaries.)

And I cannot discuss this anymore due to conflict of interest in butt sex.

via Hollywood Life

The World's Most Beautiful Woman was on another talk show last night, because she's not overexposed enough and she won't stop popping up everywhere until the image of her face is embedded into your brain and she starts invading your nightmares. (Note: This finally happened to me last night. I had a nightmare where I went to a party in a barn. A BARN! Goopy was there serving Country Time lemonade in mason jars. Goopy doesn't serve anyone and there's no way she'd serve Country Time lemonade and I don't think she even knows what a mason jar is. I knew it was a trick, so I kept walking.) Goopy was on Chelsea Lately and after Chelsea Handler wet kissed Goopy's 22-year-old stripper ass for a bit, she talked about how good Goopy is at giving advice.

Chelsea said that one time at a dinner party, Goopy's friends cried about a fight she had with her husband. Goopy's friend and her husband were all mad at each other and she didn't know what to do. You'd think that Goopy would tell her that she and her husband are angry, because they eat too much gluten, sugar, carbs and food, so they need to starve themselves until their internal organs are on the verge of shutting down and then they'll be too weak to fight. Problem solved! But instead of saying that, Chelsea said that Goopy gave her friend some different advice.

"[Gwyneth's] an amazing advice-giver. And one of her friends is like, 'I got in a big fight with my husband and I went home and I just wanted to scream and yell,' and you were like, 'Whatever you're doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, go at him with love and you give him a blowjob.'"

Blowjobs really do solving everything, but I don't know if that's the best advice. You might not know what to think if your piece is screaming at you one minute and then trying to suck you off the next. Does a dude really want to put his peen into the mouth of an angry trick? That's only a good idea if the dude really wants to see his peen sitting in his wife's stomach on an X-Ray. That's some marriage advice from Lorena Bobbitt shit. But it works for Goopy, because ever since she told Chris Martin that she's going to blow him every time he's angry at her, he walks around the house with a smile on his face and a joyous skip in his step!

And Goopy also talked about how Chelsea needs to see a brain doctor, because she asks for the check before entrees are served and she once mistook her gardener's car for her own. Oh, Goopy, that's called being a drunk!

via E! 

Suck on a ginger candy and get yourself a tall glass of soda water and a plate of saltines, because the heaves are a comin'.

Goopy Paltrow tells Ellen, in an episode airing today, that she obviously couldn't wear panties under the dress she wore to the Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood, so she had to do a little last-minute goop grooming. Goopy wants us to believe that dress was her only dress option (eye roll #1) and that she had no choice but to wear it (eye roll #2) and so her people had to find a razor to shave her goop fur off with (eye roll #3 + the heaves). Here's Goopy and Ellen's conversation about her wild crotch forest (via UsWeekly):

Goop: I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn't wear underwear. I don't think I can tell this story on TV!

Ellen: Well, now you've told it.

Goop: Well, let's just say that everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day.

Ellen: I really have some questions now. You certainly don't take care of yourself. I mean, it was just the side of your leg. What is going on with you?

Goop: I work a 70s vibe, you know?

I'm with Ellen. Why would Goop need to shave the overgrown shrub on her Apple maker when she was just showing off her ass? Couldn't she just put her pubes into a low messy bun and call it a day? Is this Goopy's way of telling us that she has ass hair? Bitch had to shave her ass! I have heard that butt fur is a sign of true royalty. I mean, Queen Elizabeth has to take a Flowbee to her ass.

But seriously, Goopy is such a luxurious creature that she's got one of those Rumpelstiltscrotches and spins strands of gold from her coochie area. So I'm sure that once her slaves shaved all of the golden pube fur off of her crotch, they melted it down and made dozens of solid gold clip-on labia rings that you can soon buy on GOOP for $50,000 each.

And if you haven't heaved enough, here's Goopy rapping and singing a few lyrics of a Beyonce song.

"Ew, can you believe they don't have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn't realize we were in the ghetto, girl," is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy's flagship workout studio and Goopy's blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy's workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn't show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can't cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

"He can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook."

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won't say shit, because we'll know what they've been through. We'll know.

In this promo picture for Lee Daniels' The Butler, Terrence Howard isn't only sniffing through the cigarette smoke to see if the beautiful scent of a freshly baby wiped ass if wafting off of Oprah, but he's also thinking about how he wants to titty fuck her with his nose. While doing an interview with Movie Fanatic (via TMZ) for his new movie Dead Man Down, Terrence was asked what it was like working with The Mighty O on The Butler. You can practically hear Terrence's tip get moist (sounds like this) when he creams on and on about how he got to suffocate his face on Oprah's chichis. The inspiration for Morris Day's character in Purple Rain lubed up Oprah's 9" dick of an ego with these words of praise for her beauty:

"Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol' bitties. I mean, she's such a lovely and voluptuous woman. She's very, very beautiful and that was wonderful."

Strangely enough, that's exactly what Gayle King says when people ask her what it's like being Oprah's best friend.

Strangely STRANGELY enough, that's almost exactly what Oprah says when people ask her what it was like interviewing Beyonce.

Every time Terrence speaks, I feel like I have to take a baby wipe to my brain and now I feel like I have to take a whole box to my brain after thinking about Terrence slobbering all over Oprah's chichis. Oh, Terrence, you creepy, horny fuck, you.

If you stare at Jill E. Beans' "fuck my life right in the ass" face and then walk away from this post, you will have seen everything you need to see from Mimi's romantic Valentine's Night.

Besides Hallmark and some pre-school teachers, nobody loves holidays harder than Mimi does and Valentine's Day is no exception. Mimi shared pictures from her VD night with all her Twitter followers and that shit is almost as ridiculous as her episode of Cribs. Mimi started off by tweeting a picture of her and Nick Cannon kissing in front of the Empire State Building, and I'm sure it took 30 takes, 7 kissing choreographers and 4 lighting designers to get that picture right. It almost looks like they're trying to pass a giant Cheerio to each other with their mouths.

Then Mimi slipped into a bath full of Hello Kitty bubbles and luxuriated for hours. I like how the camera captured the exact moment when she was able to push a butterfly burp (aka a fart) out of her butt. I'm totally disappointed that she wasn't wearing a towel in the tub. Then Mimi and Nick broke into Central Park and got a carriage ride from a horse who was probably wondering why one of his relatives' tails was stuck on top of Mimi's head. Mimi stopped sharing right there, because the pictures of Nick Cannon jacking himself off while sitting on a unicorn horn dildo as she sings her greatest hits in the corner are sacred to her.

And there's not many things that are more romantic than making your assistant take pictures of you and your husband on a date so they can post them on Twitter.

Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald's last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet 'n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.

Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn't. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie's credit card:

"I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.

I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, 'What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?'I responded simply, 'Yes. A nose job.' And I hung up."

Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi's Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi's vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the "after" pictures and say, "I want that pussy on my body!" Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor's malnourished twin sister.

So now after reading that headline, you're not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you're lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she's been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it's helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim's leg. Kim starts screaming "EWW! EWWW!," which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would've never been famous if it wasn't for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, "That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out." I say that every time Kim squeezes a "thought" out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati's golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here's Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.

LeAnn Rimes' Entertainment Tonight interview with Nancy O'Dell is the eye roll-inducing gift that keeps on giving your eyeballs a reason to roll. LeAnn Rimes said in her ET interview that her body "wouldn't let her stop" having an affair with Eddie Cibrian. That's LeAnn trying to say "I'm suffering from stage 10 Dickmatization" in the most poetic way possible. LeAnn also said that she's not trying to get knocked up, but she still gives Eddie the coochie whenever he wants it. When Eddie wants to stick the tip in her gaping nostril before she sneezes, LeAnn flares and lets him have it. via UsWeekly:

Do Rimes and Cibrian want to have children of their own? "Yea . . . I think so," Rimes hesitantly told O'Dell. "That's kind of the talk we've had for awhile now. Who knows?"

Still, Rimes clarified, they aren't actively trying to get pregnant. "Not right now," Rimes said. "No, we're not!" Regardless, Rimes bragged to O'Dell that they have a very steamy sex life.

"Have you seen him?" she joked. "[Sex is] whatever time. Any time of the day. Whenever he wants it."

LeAnn went on to say, "Yeah, I give Eddie sex whenever he wants it. I just wish he wanted it with me some of the time."