Too Much Information

Doesn't it seem like just yesterday the media was asking a young Daniel Radcliffe what kind of Legos he likes to play with (or whatever) and now the media is asking him about how he likes his coochie. They grow up so fast. DanRad and Heat Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) were talking about how he let his Jewish peen bush be great in Equus and that somehow led to him confessing that if he's not pulling pubes off his tongue, he's not messing with it:

"This is way too much information, but I don't like girls with nothing down there either. It freaks me out. You have to have something, otherwise it's fucking creepy,"

And now we know that DanRad has licked on a hairless skin mitten and it was creepy to his ass because it was like sucking on a hairless armadillo's armpit or giving a raspberry to a plate of dried mangos. THANKS, Harry Potter. But I'm with him. Genital shrubs are there for a reason. It gives you something to look at while you're down there and it sometimes protects your nose. What if you're really getting into it and you accidentally scrape your nose on their crotch stubble. It can happen! A good day would be not having to explain to people that the scratch on your nose is from rubbing up against the stubble patch on your piece's crotch.

Sinead O'Connor's marriage to Barry Herridge quickly fell into a coma on her honeymoon night when she dragged his ass to a Las Vegas crackhouse looking for the good shit. Shit was a little awkward since Barry is a drug counselor (Note to self: Ask your new husband if he's a drug counselor before you drag him to a crackhouse on your honeymoon night) and so they went their separate ways. But just like the feeling in my no-no when I sprinkle a little salt on it, Barry has come back to Sinead and she Tweeted about their reunion last night. WARNING: Reading Sinead's Tweets could cause your brain to wall slide against your skull, because this reads like it was written by a horny, handless caveman with a concussion on his head (or by Courtney Love):

Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend

guess whohad a mad love making affair with her own husband last night?

Yay!!! we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again an stay married but we did rush so we gonna return to b friend g friend

an be sickenly happy an go counsellin an move in in like a yr like regular people.. but stay married an we all in love an fuck every other

motherufcker who dont like it.. so me all happy!! me love me hubby.. he love me... fuck who no like it.. God is good!

so sinead got laid!!!

an all well.

yay!!! me husband is a big hairy cave man an came to claim me with his club : ) and now im in cave-land.. yay!! we both go panto!

In Sinead's defense, Barry most likely easied her difficult brown last night and the spasms from her culo veins shot up to her fingers leaving them numb. And she was stoned into another dimension. Both of those things are the signs of true true love.

Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!

Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.

This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.

On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."

On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"

On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"

On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."

On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"

I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!

First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!

Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.

Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!

via UsWeekly

The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.

"When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.

When I was in recovery we still hadn't chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her 'safe haven' and it clicked right then for both of us."

Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven.

via Digital Spy

If you ever get a promotional e-mail from a site called Netdix, you can send your complaints to Maggie Gyllenhaal for putting ideas into people's heads and other places. Maggie is out promoting Hysteria, that movie she did about the world's first vibrator, and says that while filming it several London sex toy stores sent her enough electro pussy ticklers to fill an episode of Whoarders (and a Scientology men's sauna). It was like Clitmas for her cooze!

Maggie tells The Cut (via Gothamist) that she has a selfless vagina and wants to gift all of her friends with nut busting goodness so she lends her vibrators out and they use them for months at a time. YES. Maggie shares her vibrators. Do they even make vibrator sanitizer? What about vibrator condoms? This pussy dust sharing nasty bitch!

"By the time I finished the movie I'd been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they’ll take them for six months at a time. [While shooting Hysteria] I was sent a lot of vibrators from different sex stores in England while we were shooting the movie. I shared them around."

This mess of words did make me ewwwwwww from every body hole (Hazmat is on their way), but then I thought about it. I mean, I became blood brothers with my best friend when I was a kid. Isn't this sort of the same thing? If you're both surfing the red tide at the same time you had dirty silicone sex with the same vibrator, isn't that like a blood sisters ceremony? Or let me put it this way. Let's say you and your friend were both new kinds of drunk and a peen landed in front of you, would you lick it at the same time? You're a shameless whore slut so just say YES. Sharing vibrators is practically the same thing! It's like prolonged group sex for the lonely.

P.S. - If you ever get that e-mail from Netdix, forward it my way.

Lady Caca delivered a "Dr. Who villain meets The Who's Tommy meets Blair Witch" fuckery fashion parade during a Vanity Fair photo shoot on the streets of NYC yesterday and she accidentally slipped a slit like she didn't practice that shit in front of her trailer mirror for 2 hours. If you put your ear up to her little poonster, you will definitely hear it saying, "One...two...thwee (it has a lisp)...LOOKSHOCKED! One...two...thwee...SMILE!"

To once again quote Julie from Showgirls: "She wants to smile her snatch, she probably cut that string herself."

You might say that this is Caca's way of officially shutting down those gold-winning tuck game rumors with a pierced puss, but I'm still not convinced. When I (NSFW) zoom up really close, I see an extra-long and extra-skinny bi-colored peen head wearing a metal choker. I know, here I go again....

I was going to write about how MTV is supposedly going to recast the entire cast of Jersey Shore for season six, but I made the editorial decision that this story about a pile of shits getting dumped was much more entertaining, newsworthy and interesting!

Skeletor was on The Tonight Show the other night and he told Jay Leno about the time one of his Dragon Tales twins dropped the most expensive shit bomb that has come out of a Lopez since Bordertown.

"He had an accident in the pool. It got into the filtration system and they charged us to clean it. That was expensive. He took a $6,000 dump in the pool!

In order to potty train them, every time they'd use the toilet we'd give them a lollipop. Three days passed and we ran out of lollipops. I'm like, 'You should probably get them checked out if they're using the potty that much.'"

This will teach JLo to stop taking singing lessons in the pool house. Even a Dragon Twin's bowels cannot resist the urge to purge itself when exposed to JLo's non-auto-tuned voice.

And $6,000 might seem like a lot of money to clean a pool, but this is JLo we're talking about. If she didn't order them to resurface the entire pool with elephant ivory and refill it with the tears of a beluga whale, then we can look dead into her eyes and say, "I don't know you anymore."

via UsWeekly

That lovely visual is brought to you by Guns 'N Roses drummer Steven Adler who invited TMZ's camera into his tour bus for a little talk and somehow the conversation nose dived straight into Steven Tyler's crotch. Steven Tyler may look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg after a bad trip, but his gavel is way bigger than hers.

When TMZ asked Steven Adler if he's ever tried to inflate his dick situation with ExtenZe pills, he said this: "I've tried 'em. They don't work. After seeing Steven Tyler's rig with five different girls hands wrapped around it, I'm lucky if I take my clothes off after that. I was devastated."

Either the LSD Steven Adler was on at the time gave him fun house mirror eyes or those five girls had Kristen Wiig baby doll hands, because in this NSFW picture I don't see a dick so large that it can share skinny jeans with Steven Tyler. But then again, his peen tip is staring directly at his face so maybe it shrinks when it feels threatened? National Geographic should investigate.

It seems like it was just yesterday when proud virgin Jordin Sparks was flashing her purity ring and preaching about how not every single person out there wants to be a big slut (I resemble that comment!). And now here's a skinnier version of Jordin Sparks busting out moves that can only be taught at Miley Cyrus' Bathroom Mirror Modeling School (Tagline: "Train to be a bathroom mirror slut or just look like one!").

Judging by this photographic dissertation Jordin Tweeted yesterday, you can tell she majored in Sessypoutlips and minored in Ricochetflasheyes. You can almost hear her professors, Vanessa Hudgens and Demi Moore, putting down their camera phones to give it up for Jordin for completing her thesis.

For a graduation gift, I will melt down Jordin's purity ring, mold it into the words "Fat Virgin No More" and attach it to a belly ring she can wear for her next bathroom mirror pictorial!

via HuffPo

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.