Too Much Information

Out Magazine named their 100 honorees, and Glamberace was hailed as the breakout of the year. Since Out is a gay magazine, I would expect them to ask Glamberace about how Ryan Gaycrest would always offer to give him a bikini wax with his tongue. You know, interesting things like that. But instead, they got to talking about his experience with the other kind of vagina.

Are you toying with perception when you talk about how you could be bi-curious? Or are you generally attracted to women?
I will make out with a girl at a bar. I mean, after a couple of drinks.

[Laughing] That doesn’t make you any less gay. Get three mai tais in a gay boy and he’ll make out with a girl. Sex is something different.
That’s why I say I’m curious. There are gay guys that gag and go “eww” at the thought of having sex with a girl. I’m curious about it, because I’ve never done it.

Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
Oral.

You went down on her?
Uh-huh.

Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17... The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

And it’s threatening.
Well, it’s threatening personally because you start identifying as a certain thing for so long, the idea of kind of going outside of that is scary because you’re like, “But that’s who I am!” Being curious and embracing that curiosity is all a part of what I’m about. You don’t have to be any one thing. You can kinda just be. Just live your life -- and play.

If it was Glamberace's first time at the clambake, how did he know if she was dirty down there or not? I sampled from the oyster buffet in the 90s (WE ALL DID), and it didn't make me want to reach for the barf bag or anything. Mostly, I just closed my eyes, clicked my heels and wished that a 9-inch peen would pop out.

I'm guessing that stank snatch is just like stank dick. When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It's like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August. Your nose hairs curl, your tonsils start throbbing and your slut skills are put to the test. You have to ask yourself if licking peen is really worth spending the next few days scraping dick butter off your tongue. And if your tongue comes across a big chunk of foreskin cheese, IT IS ALL OVER. MAN DOWN CODE 10.

And don't ask me how I went from Glamberace licking on vag to the dangerous world of dirty dick sucking.

There's been many a rumor going around that Jessica Biel is no longer taking a strap-on to Justin Timberlake's succulent nalgas. They have denied the rumors and continue to be photographed walking arm-in-arm like they are still seeing hearts in their eyes. Some source tells Fox411 that Justin and Jessica are together, but only on a part-time basis. Basically, they are fuck time friends.

The source added, "Justin was very clear with Jessica that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship with her anymore where he wasn't able to date other people. Jessica took the news very hard, but once she calmed down and they started talking again, he convinced her to stay friends who hook up, without all the pressure of a relationship. At first she was very reluctant, but she missed him a lot and so she decided to give it a try even though it wasn't exactly how she wanted things to be. She's still in love with him, and they are still attracted to each other, so it would have been difficult for them to quit each other cold turkey."

If I was Jessica's confidante/roid-supplier, I'd tell her ass to take her silicone dick elsewhere. Pack that shit up and find a new hole to bone. I mean, Justin demoted her from full-time to part-time lover. It's just a matter of time before he finds a different ho that can make him squeal like...well...like Justin Timberlake hitting falsetto.

Besides, Jessica has already munched on that ass, so it's time to find a different flavor.

And below is Justin on the set of the Facebook movie today. Justin is playing Sean Parker. I didn't know Sean Parker got his clothes from a guido's dirty laundry basket.

File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

Full House's Jodie Sweetin has a new book out called "Unsweetined" (I guess "How Rooood" was already taken), which chronicles her road from child star to crackhouse resident. To promote the book, Jodie spent a little time with UsWeekly to basically tell them all the weird places she got fucked up at. The interview reads like a food journal for junkies! Or like the average Dlisted reader's diary entry. This is what I'm talking about:

Jodie on getting the drunk barfs at Candace Cameron's wedding:
"I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do."

Jodie on driving drunk while her baby daughter was in the car:
"That was the big rock bottom. I had two glasses of wine and drove with her in the car. I not only put myself in danger, but also my daughter, who I loved more than anything. I felt terrible."

Jodie on claiming to be sober on GMA even though she was fucked up:
"I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine."

Jodie on doing meth in the bathroom at the premiere of the Olsen Troll's movie New York Minute:
"I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn't even look strung out!"

In Jodie's defense, anybody who sat through New York Minute wishes they had given themselves a meth-enema before they watched it. And I'm guessing Kirk Cameron was at Candace's wedding, so that explains why she swallowed 2 bottles of the sweet nectar. Yes, my real name is Michael "Enabler" Kay Kae.

At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.

Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won't be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.

Sheriff Jim said this isn't so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene's "education level is only high school ... he may be nutty, but he's not a professor." DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.

The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone's precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could've spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother's Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch's hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by "death row," I mean the guest room in the Gosselin's house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:

"Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!" - Richard Heene

VIA Jezebel

Somewhere in the world, Martha Stewart is flicking at her nipples as punishment for not coming up with this herself! It's a gross thing!

Someone's mind did actually venture into the darkside and thought it would be a perfect idea to turn their placenta into a teddy bear. If a ho wants to turn her womb cake into a teddy bear, have at it, but she could at least use pieces of the umbilical cord to give it eyes and a smile! Because it kind of just looks like a boring bear made out of empanadas. Poor thing has the personality of a....well...of a dead placenta.

And now I won't be able to eat a delicious empanada without thinking that I might just be nibbling on deep fried placenta.

Source VIA Jezebel

Only kinky fuckery goes down at the ‘Fiesta DC’ Latino block-party and now here's proof! Wonkette posted this picture of The Washington Post's mascot getting dressed in a parking lot behind an apartment building while some chick (Monica Lewinsky?) helped him out. Don't even try to figure out what ole' boy on the right is doing. Let's not travel to that land.

You thought pulling pubes out of your teeth after a beej session was annoying, can imagine what the furry fluffer had to go through after this shit? Homegirl probably got fleas in her mouth! Bitch had to chew on Frontline pills for days.

And you can tell by the look in the dog's wonky eyes that she is all teeth. WHY! WHY? WHY!

P.S. - She was just helping him get dressed or sewing up a hole in his costume. I think.

Meet Steve, just a regular dude with a mullet who wanted to give the world a little taste of his soothing singing voice, but instead gave us an eyeful (and throatful, ugh).

On UK's The X-Factor over the weekend, Steve sang "It's My Party" while the judges and audience laughed at the major party going on in his crotch area. And what in the Elephantitis hell is going on in his crotch area? Steve either has a major case of Cisco Adler-itis or he's got peen for daaaaaays. Or maybe he stuffed a Susan Boyle doll down there for good luck?

Poor Steve. All he wants to do is sing, but his big bulge just won't let him be great.

You decide who is the zombie here (SPOILER ALERT: They both are).

Detective La Toya, who is working on a case where she has to go undercover as a slutty majorette, shared a meal with Larry King and his trophy piece at Spago's in Beverly Hills last night. Larry just sat there licking up the dust off of discarded chicken bones while La Toya rattled on about the mysteries of life. Seriously, who knows what they talked about, but nothing good can come of it. And by "nothing good," I mean everything right.

Picture this: Ryan O'Neal is at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, scoping out the situation and seeing what's sexy, when a woman comes up to hug him. Ryan immediately turns to her and says, "Hey, sweet cheeks. Who's your daddy?" And the woman responds, "You are. No, seriously, you are. Like seriously. You're my father." This is basically the story Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair in their newest issue. Yes, because hitting on a piece at the "love of your life's" funeral isn't skeezy enough, Ryan had to hit on his own daughter and tell the public-at-large about it. While Papa Joe nods in approval and gives a peens up to Ryan, the rest of us are shaking our heads to keep the dry heaves from becoming wet.

Ryan told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo), "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

Ryan O'Neal touched me inappropriately with that quote. Seriously, you know that "This is your brain on drugs" PSA? They can redo that shit and use a picture of Ryan instead of a pan filled with fried eggs. Ryan O'Neal is fried eggs. I mean, if you can't even recognize your own daughter, it's time to pull the sheets over your head and take a nap. Your booze and bad stuff privileges have been temporarily revoked!

When Vanity Fair asked Tatum about it, she sighed, "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."