A Shot At Love

The girlfriend of CSI's Gary Dourdan was put into handcuffs yesterday afternoon after she allegedly went crazy on him during a fight. TMZ says that when the cops arrived to Gary's house in Venice, CA, they found him all scratched up. They arrested his girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo and booked her on misdemeanor domestic battery.

TMZ wants you to know that Maria 5'8", 110 lbs and Gary is 6'2" with a "fighting weight" of 190.

Gary is a lot bigger than Maria, but if he even flicked at her eyelash, it would've been game over for his ass. Besides, size does not always matter when it comes to fighting. Surprisingly, I haven't been in many psychical fights in my life, but in junior high school I got my ass beat so hard by my best friend at the time who was 5'1". Homegirl beat me down, because I said that her boyfriend was ugly. It wasn't even a match and I knew it. At one point, I lifted up my arm to protect myself from her crazy ass, and she grabbed it and forced me to slap myself in the face. Yeah, that's when you just roll over and play dead. That's not funny.

Although, me getting beat down by a tiny girl isn't saying much since a malnourished, half-blind newborn baby could kick my ass with one arm tied behind its back.

13-year-old Kavya Shivashankar of Olathe, Kansas beat out 11 finalists for the title of the greatest speller who ever spelled (under the age 14) at the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night. Kavya won $40,000 in cash and prizes as well as a giant trophy/fruit bowl/dust collector. This was Kavya's fourth time at the bee and it will also be her last, because of her age.

The word that won it for Kavya was laodicean. Fun fact for a Friday: laodicean is how Paula Abdul spells Lidocaine when scribbling an order to her back alley pharmacist because her mouth is too numb to speak.

Watching the spelling bee is always entertaining. Especially if you partake in a little audience participation. I like to rev up the bong, sip on a little Franzia on ice and compete right along with these tiny geniuses. Last night, I didn't get one word right. That's really not a surprise to anyone who reads this blog. I mean, I traded my Speak & Spell for a She-Ra doll when I was little. There you go.

But I didn't even come close last night. I even tried all the tricks! I wrote the word down on my arm with an air pen. I cupped my hands over my mouth and slowly sounded out the word. Even when they flashed the word on the screen, I still couldn't spell it! Does Sylvan Learning Center host a nightly happy hour?

Anyspellingishard, congratulations to Kavya! She is not only a spelling genius, but she is also connoisseur of French cheeses!

Finally! "A Shot at Hep with Tila Tequila" had its first major, major fight of the season last night. It wasn't really a fight, it was more like one dude getting the shit knocked out of him by another.

It all started when Chad and Bo started going at it for one reason or another. Chad was probably mad because Bo drank the last Smirnoff Ice. It doesn't matter, but it ended with Chad headbutting Bo and then punching him square in the face. Awesome! I don't normally condone violence (yeah, I'm lying), but I do love seeing two moronic tools go at it. Chad just showed me right then and there that he had a small dick. Douches with small dicks always have something to prove.

Chad was quickly kicked out of the house and Bo was taken to the hospital. Chad really fucked Bo up. He had a split lip and split teeth. He looked like he just finished eating out Tila Tequila. That chocha is toxic and deadly.

Bo was later released from the hospital and he returned to the house and the game. Now it's the lesbians turn to fight! Those hot lezzies will show the dudes how it's really done.

The above screen shot perfectly sums up the entire season 2 premiere of Tila Tequila's A Shot At Love. It's Tila sticking a flower (given to her by another dude) in the crack of one of her suitors. Who said romance is dead?

If you weren't wearing protection while watching last night's episode on MTV, you better go to the doctor this afternoon. I lost track on the number of people Tila made out with. That would make a fun drinking game! Two of the lesbians on the show even started making out with each other. They were later eliminated, because they weren't "respecting" Tila in her own house. First of all, Tila already disrespected herself by going on this show and second, that house isn't hers!

I still watch this trash, because I live for skankiness and cat fights. The first cat fight almost happened when two douche bags got into it. Jay from New Jersey (above with the flower in his ass) threatened to "head butt" Bo from Ohio. Sadly, he didn't do it. All talk and no head butt. The two dudes are still around, so hopefully they will get into it later on.

Below is a clip of the dudes giving Tila a "fashion show." Take your Valtrex before watching it. One of the dude even shows Tila his "dick in a box." She acts like she's grossed out. Slut please!

One of my favorite dudes, Chad, gave the quote of the evening:

“Chicks love wang bone. Why do you think they have strap-ons and things in that nature, to simulate wang bones, which i come stocked with.”

Yeah, he's a keeper. This season is going to be so hot.