A Shot At Love

Well, that didn't take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She's a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn't make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it's totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

"During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they 'held hands,' witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. 'They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'"

Well isn't that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he's got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K's presence Rome is the new city of love.

Okay, real or undead, Lady Gaga apparently finally has a man! And might I add he is SEXAI. Thank God she can quit with the possibly bi/possibly try/possibly non/sexual thing and just MOVE THE FUCK ON. Here she is, snapped by TMZ with her boy toy, Vampire Diaries hottie Taylor Kinnie. Come on GaGa, we all need to get a little. Ray Charles saw this coming. TMZ says that they've been dating since he guested with her on the You And I video.

Way to go Gaga, and Taylor! I'm just proud that you own a step-stool high enough to get to the top of her platforms! Or is it scaffolding? Whatever, doesn't matter. Congrats to the happy (unconfirmed) couple and I hope you can keep Gaga's no-pants stance to a minumum. Team ERRYBODY NEED TO GET SOME!!

Do you see the dazzling cactus flower on the right wearing a wig she snatched out of a Dolly Parton costume bag from the 99 Cent Store and her face covered in make-up that was applied by an old drag queen who suffers from an essential tremor? Well, that's the Naked Cowgirl of NYC and she's nobody's ho! But the Naked Cowboy thinks otherwise and he has skipped on over to her corner to slip a cease and desist into her g-string. The Naked Cowboy wants her to stop using the name the "Naked Cowgirl" unless she pays him a $500 a month franchise fee! Basically, the Naked Cowboy wants to be her pimp. Homegirl is way too old to be someone's bitch, hooker.

According to People, 39-year-old Robert Burck (Ho name: The Naked Cowboy) owns the trademark for the Naked Cowboy and anybody who wants to use the name professionally has to pay him. The Naked Cowboy sued Mars Inc. a couple of years ago for using a naked cowboy M&M as part of an advertising campaign. His lawyer says that the Naked Cowgirl is clearly violating his trademark and they will sue her hot ass if she doesn't comply.

The Naked Cowgirl (government name: Sandy Kane), an old time stripper who was famous for lighting her tits on fire, says that she's been doing the nekkid thing way before the Naked Cowboy came around. She says, "I've been naked for years. You know how much money I make? Two dollars a picture. I'm not selling any products. The song ain't going anywhere anyways. It's not like he's Tim McGraw or Keith Urban."

All of us should file a class action lawsuit against the Naked Cowboy for fraud and false advertising, because dude does not get nekkid! The last time I checked being nekkid didn't include a pair of tighty whiteys covering your parts! When you see the name "NAKED COWBOY" you expect to see a bare peen lassoing a hog. He should change his name to Cock Tease Cowboy.

By the way, that class action lawsuit will not include the Naked Cowgirl. It's best that she keeps her chonies on as much as possible. You know, because I don't think any of us can take seeing her beauty in all its spectacular glory.

(Images via Flickr & Flickr)

The girlfriend of CSI's Gary Dourdan was put into handcuffs yesterday afternoon after she allegedly went crazy on him during a fight. TMZ says that when the cops arrived to Gary's house in Venice, CA, they found him all scratched up. They arrested his girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo and booked her on misdemeanor domestic battery.

TMZ wants you to know that Maria 5'8", 110 lbs and Gary is 6'2" with a "fighting weight" of 190.

Gary is a lot bigger than Maria, but if he even flicked at her eyelash, it would've been game over for his ass. Besides, size does not always matter when it comes to fighting. Surprisingly, I haven't been in many psychical fights in my life, but in junior high school I got my ass beat so hard by my best friend at the time who was 5'1". Homegirl beat me down, because I said that her boyfriend was ugly. It wasn't even a match and I knew it. At one point, I lifted up my arm to protect myself from her crazy ass, and she grabbed it and forced me to slap myself in the face. Yeah, that's when you just roll over and play dead. That's not funny.

Although, me getting beat down by a tiny girl isn't saying much since a malnourished, half-blind newborn baby could kick my ass with one arm tied behind its back.

13-year-old Kavya Shivashankar of Olathe, Kansas beat out 11 finalists for the title of the greatest speller who ever spelled (under the age 14) at the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night. Kavya won $40,000 in cash and prizes as well as a giant trophy/fruit bowl/dust collector. This was Kavya's fourth time at the bee and it will also be her last, because of her age.

The word that won it for Kavya was laodicean. Fun fact for a Friday: laodicean is how Paula Abdul spells Lidocaine when scribbling an order to her back alley pharmacist because her mouth is too numb to speak.

Watching the spelling bee is always entertaining. Especially if you partake in a little audience participation. I like to rev up the bong, sip on a little Franzia on ice and compete right along with these tiny geniuses. Last night, I didn't get one word right. That's really not a surprise to anyone who reads this blog. I mean, I traded my Speak & Spell for a She-Ra doll when I was little. There you go.

But I didn't even come close last night. I even tried all the tricks! I wrote the word down on my arm with an air pen. I cupped my hands over my mouth and slowly sounded out the word. Even when they flashed the word on the screen, I still couldn't spell it! Does Sylvan Learning Center host a nightly happy hour?

Anyspellingishard, congratulations to Kavya! She is not only a spelling genius, but she is also connoisseur of French cheeses!

Finally! "A Shot at Hep with Tila Tequila" had its first major, major fight of the season last night. It wasn't really a fight, it was more like one dude getting the shit knocked out of him by another.

It all started when Chad and Bo started going at it for one reason or another. Chad was probably mad because Bo drank the last Smirnoff Ice. It doesn't matter, but it ended with Chad headbutting Bo and then punching him square in the face. Awesome! I don't normally condone violence (yeah, I'm lying), but I do love seeing two moronic tools go at it. Chad just showed me right then and there that he had a small dick. Douches with small dicks always have something to prove.

Chad was quickly kicked out of the house and Bo was taken to the hospital. Chad really fucked Bo up. He had a split lip and split teeth. He looked like he just finished eating out Tila Tequila. That chocha is toxic and deadly.

Bo was later released from the hospital and he returned to the house and the game. Now it's the lesbians turn to fight! Those hot lezzies will show the dudes how it's really done.

The above screen shot perfectly sums up the entire season 2 premiere of Tila Tequila's A Shot At Love. It's Tila sticking a flower (given to her by another dude) in the crack of one of her suitors. Who said romance is dead?

If you weren't wearing protection while watching last night's episode on MTV, you better go to the doctor this afternoon. I lost track on the number of people Tila made out with. That would make a fun drinking game! Two of the lesbians on the show even started making out with each other. They were later eliminated, because they weren't "respecting" Tila in her own house. First of all, Tila already disrespected herself by going on this show and second, that house isn't hers!

I still watch this trash, because I live for skankiness and cat fights. The first cat fight almost happened when two douche bags got into it. Jay from New Jersey (above with the flower in his ass) threatened to "head butt" Bo from Ohio. Sadly, he didn't do it. All talk and no head butt. The two dudes are still around, so hopefully they will get into it later on.

Below is a clip of the dudes giving Tila a "fashion show." Take your Valtrex before watching it. One of the dude even shows Tila his "dick in a box." She acts like she's grossed out. Slut please!

One of my favorite dudes, Chad, gave the quote of the evening:

“Chicks love wang bone. Why do you think they have strap-ons and things in that nature, to simulate wang bones, which i come stocked with.”

Yeah, he's a keeper. This season is going to be so hot.