Marky Mark

Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin' pussy queeahs and didn't have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark's sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd's feelings.

"To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."

Marky's publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they're going to need it when Marky tells Douche's Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would've punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH!

It's a good thing for terrorists that this generation's Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn't get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would've never happened.

In between talking about how he's a good Catholic boy who doesn't jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men's Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would've served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of "Wild Side."

The bald eagle has stopped letting out a "Never Forget" tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky's mouth:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

The words "THIS BITCH" are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that's the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn't laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye with a metal hook for no reason, so he's capable of anything. Marky would've stunned the terrorists with his dramatic monologue from Three Kings, and then knocked those box cutters out of their hands with his third nipple before blowing them out of the plane door with his Funky Bunch thrust. Then Marky would've turned to the imaginary camera that follows him everywhere and said America's newest motto: "Say hello to the debul for me."

Or Marky would've made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin.

Marky Mark does't act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells "Cut!" on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul.

Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!

At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it's called "Morning Abortion") and let her liner (in shade "Cheek Hickey") be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she's trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.

All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet 'N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn't want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she guzzled from for hours? What woman wouldn't want to look like she doesn't have to reapply when she gives a beej in the last stall in the men's room? What woman wouldn't want to look like a cartoon moustache and a cartoon smile are hugging her lips?

The answer: Any woman who just doesn't know.

Chola lip liner also serves as a priceless security tool. It lets all of your arch rivals and the hating bitches around you know that you do have razors stuck in your hair so they better not even think of coming at you.

All hail the mainstream return of a beauty classic!

And here's who was apart of history (not really) last night: Lady Lip Liner herself, Michael Pitt with hipster Olive Oyl, Ricky Gervais with Jane Fallon, Kimber Henry, Gretchen Mol, Chris Crocker with Vincent Piazza, Marky Mark with 16-year-old Nicola Peltz and Steve Buscemi with Jo Andres.

Marky Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are selling their pounded meat at a restaurant in Boston and they have named that mess the best name of a burger place since Fudruckers, Beef 'N' Buns and Burger, She Wrote. They are naming that shit: WAHLBURGERS. WAHLBURGERS! This almost makes up for the death of Kenny Rogers Roasters.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Marky Mark and Donnie have already leased a 4,300 square foot space at Hingham Shipyard near their Eye-talian restaurant Alma Nove. They are also planning to open a pizza place sometime next year.

WAHLBURGERS! What a damn mess. I bet you they'll have shit on the menu like Say Hi To Your Muthah's Cookies, The Right Stuffed Baked Potato, Please Don't Go Grilled Cheese, Good Piebrations and Funky Bunch of Lettuce Leaves.

And I'm sure after they open that pizza restaurant, they'll open a Vietnamese takeout place called Phuk Yu Up.

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

At the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend, Marky Mark took the stage, stared at the trophy, and immediately hallowed it out with a steak knife so that he could smoke palm tree leaves out of it, or something. No, he didn't do that, but maybe he thought about it. Marky told the audience that his days of packing bowls are long over after his daughter asked him what that funny smell was.

"But I don't use those anymore. I stopped smoking weed for my kids. One day, we were driving and you could smell it from somewhere. My daughter asked what the smell was so I told her it was a skunk. Then she said, 'Sometimes Daddy smells like that!' to me and my wife. So I knew I had quit."

Or Marky could've explained to her that the stuff daddy smokes to deal with all her non-stop questions makes him smell like that. Kids and their questions. Like they're always hosting the Weakest Link. But I do appreciate Marky's answer. When his daughter smells weed smoke at a party for the first time, she's going to scream "SKUUUUUNK!!!!!" before running off to take a bath in V8.

via E! Online

It was Battle of the Beards '11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He's totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the "I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!" shakes. But even though Ben's beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn't have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby's breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford's face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas....

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here's a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night's festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

Marky Mark still really wants people to see him as Mark Wahlberg, serious Oscar-nominated thespian, instead of the hot piece who is responsible for awakening the genitals of a thousand newbie gays in the 90s. This is Marky Mark's greatest achievement in his professional life and he should pull down his pants and embrace it! But nooooo, Marky still gets all sorts of assholey in the face when somebody brings it up. Drew Barrymore knows all about this.

During a scene in her new movie Going the Distance, Drew phone fucks with Justin Long while thinking about Marky Mark's ads for Calvin Klein chonies. When Drew ran into Marky Mark recently, she told him all about the scene and instead of thanking her for slobbering over his dick, he acted like a giant one. Drew told Popeater, "Oh my God, I did tell him that. I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear. Who would not be excited about that? He's a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that."

Justin Long, who was also there, defended Marky, "It didn't go over great ... In [Wahlberg's] defense, it's a strange thing to bring up. I don't think he was prepared for it."

Marky Mark takes shit way too seriously. Why does he have to ruin all the beautiful and touching moments we spent together in my wet dreams back in the day? Why does he have to spit (and not in a sexy) on our fake love? Drew is right. There's no need for Marky to turn on the CUNT switch when a crazy gay runs up to him in an East Village deli to ask him to sign the cum stain on his old Calvin Klein ad. I mean, I asked politely and everything! Fuck!

Here's Drew with her dog friend in NYC last night.

Yes, Marky Mark dropped his six-pack and picked up a bag of beer instead for his new role as an Irish boxer in The Fighter. Marky must be serious about keeping his moobs lush and luscious, because he has employed a full-time Diddy-approved umbrella holder. Marky is not about to let a few drops of sweat shrink his current titty situation.

And yes, I'd still hit while screaming the lyrics to Good Vibrations (I'm sure he gets that a lot). Truthfully, I think I prefer Marky this way. Sometimes when you're getting it on with a trick who has a body like a He-Man action figure, it makes you want put down the éclair you're holding (yes, I always eat éclairs during fucky times) and pick up a Wii Fit Controller.

Marky Mark and Rhea Durham have added yet another member to their own child army. Star Magazine says that Rhea gave birth to their fourth baby friend, a girl, at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles last night.

The baby's got a name too! A big-mouthed source, who is probably going to get a fist to the face from Marky (IT WAS ME! IT WAS ME!), said the two named their new daughter Margaret Grace.

Margaret Grace joins 6-year-old Ella, 4-year-old Michael and 1-year-old Brendan in the Wahlberg barracks.

Oh, and now I know why Rhea Durham is always giving herself THE BABIES!!! A source explains, "Mark was in the delivery room with Rhea. And he cheered her on all the way. Rhea was a real trouper, and now they can't wait to get home and be a big happy family with their four kids."

You too would be giving birth every second if Marky Mark dressed up in a cheerleader's outfit and told you to P-U-S-H while you lay spread-eagled in the delivery room.

And hopefully, Rhea lets her uterus smoke a cigarette and drink a glass of Andre before she puts it to work again.