Chichis

Beyonce and Shane Mercado came fierce to fierce at the NYC premiere of Cadillac Records last night. Shane was kind enough to keep all his fierceness bundled up in order to protect Beyonce. If he really let it out, her ass would be knocked down to the basement with Solange. If I was Shane, I would've brought a gang of cholita beauties with me in case Beyonce tried some shit. You know she's mad at him for out-fiercing her on YouTube and wanted to get revenge by stabbing him with her cyborg hand. She was so filled with rage over seeing the real Sasha Fierce in person that she forgot to summon Solange from the basement to wax her furry 'gina pits (first thumbnail below).

Here's more of Beyonce killing Shane with her eyes last night. I also threw in some pictures of Adrien Brody and the always chichi-wonderful Toccara. Maybe Beyonce purposely kept her arm pies hairy to match Adrien.

The most flexible turtle on the planet Russell Simmons played a little game of peek-a-booby with some busted Tatum O'Neal look-alike in Miami yesterday. Actually, I think he was just trying to find her titty. It doesn't look like he had any luck. Seriously, I hope that bitch got paid at least a few hundred dollars for that shit! I would've made Russell swipe my ass crack with his AMEX card if he wanted a glance at my no-titty.

The first thumbnail below might be a little NSFWish, but you really can't see nip unless you squint your eyes, cock your head and press your face against the monitor.

The Queen (I have to call her that or she'll end me) performed her own thrilling rendition of Mimi's "Touch My Body" the other night during her show in DC. This isn't the first time Aretha has sang this song. No, she serenades all of her 35 daily meals with this beautiful tune while she pours melted butter all over the plate.

Touching the Chichi Queen's entire body would take days, months, years. You'd have to bring your passport, some dried food packs, gallons of water, a flare fun, an oxygen tank and a Husky dog. You might not ever come back if you get trapped underneath one of her tittay boulders. There might be a half-eaten Hoagie up in there to keep you going for a few weeks after your supplies have run out, but after that, you're fucked.

And here's a few pictures of Queen Aretha leaving Matt Lauer's roast in NYC the other night. Like Tommy Girl, the Chichi Queen was probably disappointed because she misunderstood the meaning of a ROAST. She even wore her favorite eatin' scarf and everything!

Damn. Looking at Salma Hayek's succulent breastes never gets old. There's only a few things I could look at all day: "Cops," kittens playing with yarn and Salma's wondrous chichis.

Salma's rack is like a Magic Eye poster. If you stare at them long enough, you start to see other things. Sometimes I see two lil' babies sleeping under a manger. Other times I see two cantaloupes ripening in the summer sun. And one time I even saw Locke from "Lost" cuddling with Paul Shaffer.

Here's Salma with her adorable and totally rich daughter Valentina shooting "30 Rock" with Alec Baldwin in Brooklyn today. I wonder if Alec cooed at Valentina and said, "Awww. What a rude lil' pig."

A while ago, Aretha Franklin must have not reached her daily 10,000 calorie intake, because she made a grouchy statement about Tina Turner. While performing at the Grammys, Beyonce introduced Tina as "The Queen." Aretha released some statement saying she was offended by this, because she's always been known as the "Queen of Soul."

It took a little while for Tina to respond, but she finally did:

“Aretha has always been like that. We’ve always accepted that from her. She’s the queen of soul, and I’m the queen of rock ‘n’ roll. There were so many kings and queens there that night. Her ego must be so big to think she was the only one. That’s how queens are!”

Well, if her ego is in a third of the size of one of her chichis then it's pretty big.

Aretha put down the bowl of cake batter, moved her extra roly poly chin out of the way and responded to Tina's response to USA Today. Everybody move out of the way!

"I have always appreciated what Tina Turner has to offer and had quietly cheered her on after Ike and her subsequent success. However, with respect to her statement concerning my ego clearly she was talking about herself as she described herself as the 'Queen of Rock' and saying 'that's what Queens do' — particularly since she does not have a clue as to who I am in view of the fact that we have never met.

I never figured her to resort to tacky press just to sell a few tickets. I understand and I know that the concert market is down where ticket sales are concerned. I really had put her in a different class — higher than that.

Finally, no one has been more gracious or complimentary to their peers than I have and I am confident and secure enough to do so, unlike some others. I wish Ms. Turner all the best, as I always have. Perhaps one day we will meet."

I hope Tina can run fast, because Aretha is coming for her. It would only take one blow from Aretha's chichi mounds to lay Tina out. I'm sorry, but I'm Team Mega Chichis. You do not make Aretha angry. She could make you disappear faster than Houdini. I mean, all she has to do is sit and POOF! You're gone!

You're probably sitting at your desk and enjoying a delicious frozen ice creamtreat, but did you know that you're slowly poisoning yourself by ingesting all that cow milk?! And you're also forcing our cow friends to get knocked up every nine months. Well, that's what Peta claims anyway. They sent off a letter to Ben & Jerry's asking them to stop using cow milk and to use breast milk instead. They got the ingenious idea from a restaurant in Switzerland who is using titty leche in their soups, stews and sauces.

Unfortunately, Ben & Jerry's isn't taking their advice. They issued this response to Peta: "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

Maybe Peta should give it a second thought. Think of all the money they would save! I mean, they could ask Aretha Franklin to get pregnant only once. She would squirt out enough titty juice to last the rest of our days.

I also think Ben & Jerry's should take it a step further and think about the defenseless cherries and cocoa beans they are harming. They didn't ask to be eaten for our enjoyment! Ben & Jerry's can still make flavors like Cherry Garcia, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, Sweet Cream & Cookies and Bananas on the Rum using substances our bodies naturally produce. Use your nasty imagination. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my toilet.

Thanks Clarisse

My one true idol, Camille Grammar, and her sugar bear, Kelsey, showed up at the US Open to watch a bunch of neon balls being hit around. I think that's what they do at the US Open. In my mind, this is the most strenuous thing Camille has done all fucking month. Believe it or not, but being a trophy wife is not all roses and blowjobs. In between your duties of shopping, bitching about the help and sucking limp dick, you have to attend boring events with your meal ticket. I feel for Camille. She would rather be at home, laying on her mink comforter and ordering everything from HSN while downing custom made Bagel-fuls. Sorry, I'm all about Bagel-fuls this morning.

While Camille was in the ladies room, adjusting her diamonds, Kelsey sat next to the queen of all queens Aretha Franklin. He also couldn't stop staring at her magnificent chichis. They are pretty magnificent. I think Kelsey is trying to figure out if her chichis are coming or going. Aretha should have competed in the US Open. Aretha just has to get on the tennis court, show off her magnificent chichis and those tennis balls would automatically sprint in the opposite direction.

Some jealous bitches told Page Six that Our Lady of Chichis, Aretha Franklin, was "out of it" at a party at Russell Simmons' house in the Hamptons the other day. Some stupid whore who obviously needs a hug said "five people" had to help Miss Aretha leave the event.

The fugly bitch went on to say, "She was dressed in an off-white, low-cut shirt and pantsuit with jacket and pearls. She was just oblivious to what was going on." Of course it takes five hos! Two for each chichi and one dude stands behind her to break her fall just in case she goes down.

And she was probably "out of it" because she had not eaten her 5th funnel cake of the hour. Aretha loves her funnel cakes! She has a funnel cake maker in her car and every room of her house. She's serious about them.

Aretha is fine and people need to stop telling lies! Her chichis would never let me down. Seriously, I want to play patty cake with her magnificent chichis. Trust me, they can play back.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.

File this under: Bitch must be smoking some of the pure shit! Meet 19-year-old Abbie Hawkins from England. One afternoon, Abbie was working at her job as a hotel receptionist when she felt vibrating coming from her chichi area. Apparently, Abbie regularly keeps her cell phone in her chichis, because she figured her phone was the cause of all that shaking. I would've let the nipple tickling continue all fucking day! Shit, I would've headed to the nearest bathroom with an International Male catalog in my hands. Nipple party!

When Abbie went to grab what she thought was her mobile phone, she found a baby bat instead! According to her stupid ass, the bat had been there for about five hours. She said it was just lying in her bra. It was probably thinking, "Bitch, I'm taking a dump. Give me some privacy!"

Abbie told The Daily Mail, "I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly. The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before. When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket. It was quite a busy morning and I did not for one minute think it was anything other than my mobile."

The hotel's manager helped Abbie get the bat out of her bra (I'm sure he did) and he set it free.

Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha. This bitch is dense! And I'm sure that poor baby bat flew to the nearest looney bin for psychiatric treatment. He's never going to be the same again.

And Xtina says "there's a bat in my chichis" at least four times a week.

Below are more pictures of dumb fuck Abbie posing with some plastic bat. No wonder she didn't notice the baby bat in her chichis, she has wonk eye for days!