Rojo Caliente

The soon-to-be Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, caused a shit storm yesterday when she said that she chose to be a lesbian and that in her personal opinion she believes that for some hos it is a choice. Some gay activists lit her asshole up for giving ammo to homophobes and some homophobes gladly used that ammo by leaving comments on other sites like, "One of dem admitted it's a choice! See!" I just wanted Rojo to take me in her teddy bear arms and hold me until bitches stopped screaming at each other.

Well, in another interview, Cynthia gets into her sexuality more. Cynthia says that when she was with a dude, she loved that dude with her heart and loved his peen with her poon. Now that she's with the most beautiful lesbian in the world, she loves that woman with her heart, and loves that woman's poon with her poon. But Cynthia doesn't consider herself bisexual, because nobody likes bisexuals. This is a piece of her conversation with The Daily Beast's Kevin Sessums:

KS: Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship? That quote seemed like you were fudging a bit.

CN: It’s so not fudging. It’s so not. I think for gay people who feel 100 percent gay, it doesn’t make any sense. And for straight people who feel 100 percent straight, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t pull out the “bisexual” word because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals.

KS: But it is the “B” in LGBT.

CN: I know. But we get no respect.

KS: You just said “we,” so you must self-identify as one.

CN: I just don’t like to pull out that word. But I do completely feel that when I was in relationships with men, I was in love and in lust with those men. And then I met Christine and I fell in love and lust with her. I am completely the same person and I was not walking around in some kind of fog. I just responded to the people in front of me the way I truly felt.

So Cynthia thinks that bisexuals don't get any respect and that's her reason for not identifying as one? The hell kind of logic is that? Dumb sluts don't get any respect, but that doesn't stop me from proudly proclaiming that I am one, because maybe one day we'll get the respect we deserve (we won't). Oh, Cynthia. This is a mess. But if Cynthia thinks she's a whateversexual, then she's a whateversexual. It's her sexuality and she can define it any way she wants.

Personally, when it comes to sexuality the only questions I ever have are: Do you have a peen? How big is it? Can I see it? Why did you just throw that drink in my face? Can you do it again?

via Towleroad

The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.

Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.

The New York Senate voted 33-29 to become the 6th state in the country to legalize same-sex marriage and now I don't have much time to get a part-time job as a catering waiter so I can serve saw dust canapes and Red Hots margaritas at Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon's wedding!

It will now go to Governor Cuomo's desk and he will sign it using a ginger pen (in honor Rojo, of course) as the First Lady of New York Sandra Lee pours him a Gay Pride cocktail made of melted rainbow sherbet and Strawberry Hill. Rojo can become an exquisite summer bride in 30 days. It truly is cocktail time! From CNN:

New York legislators cleared the last major hurdle to legalize same-sex marriage Friday when the state Senate followed the Assembly's lead in approving legislation to do so.

Earlier in the day, the Assembly passed a version of the bill that included an amendment about religious institutions. The Friday night vote in the Senate means the legislation's fate is now in the hands of Gov. Andrew Cuomo, who proposed it.

The Senate vote came after lawmakers agreed on an amendment that would help protect religious institutions from potential lawsuits, Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos said.

And I PRAY that some Prop 8 shit doesn't happen to New York. My eyes just can't swallow the sight of more topless famewhores with tape on their mouths and Sharpie marks on their faces. THINK OF THE DUCT TAPE!

Words will cheapen this beyond beautiful public moment between Rojo Caliente, her queen Cynthia Nixon and the adorable new Rojo Prince of Gingers Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (aka Prince MEN), so I will leave you to print this out in the finest velvet, frame it in gilded gold and place it at an altar surrounded by cinnamon candles. This is my new religion (sorry, Church of Lucite). Who needs a fireplace (or even a radiator that works) when you've got this?

But I will say just one thing.... Why the hell are they posing in front of that cheap ass business park curtain?! They should be in front of a royal blue velvet curtain trimmed with solid gold! Oh, what am I saying? Rojo is forever humble. And we pray....

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

ROJO was knocked up! ROJO had a boy! You can read the details at People while I go and try to switch myself with Rojo Jr. Wish me luck! I'll be back!

Okay, I'm back. The doorman didn't buy my Baby Rojito disguise of a Home Depot onesie, a Land's End diaper, a shaved Annie wig and ginger angel wings. But that will not stop me from celebrating the BABY NEWS OF THIS AND EVERY CENTURY! The lesbian stork slid down the orange part of the rainbow and delivered a healthy baby boy into golden womb of Rojo Caliente. Yes, Rojo was pregnant with the second coming of Rojo Caliente for 9-months and we never knew.

Most of us figured that the halo-like glow coming from her belly was just her Care Bear Stare power acting up again. And when I watched a glittery unicorn with a red mane fly over the city last night, I figured Clay Aiken just farted again. But no, the unicorn was welcoming our new beacon of ginge.

Cynthia Nixon's rep confirmed that Rojo gave birth to their first son together in NYC last night. Cynthia has a 14-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son with her ex-partner Danny Mozes. The rep didn't say who their son's biological father is, but they did say that Cynthia and Rojo have named him Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni.

Max Ellington! And his initials are MEN-M. Max already has a name for when he wants to start an Italian new wave music group. Congratulations to my favorite ginger (sorry PHG) and my favorite celebrity couple! I will be smearing my eyeballs with Vaseline and SPF in anticipation of seeing Baby MEN's first spread in the Home Depot newsletter.

Well, it's been another fuckery-filled year of eyebrow situations good and bad, exquisite lucite heels, cutlets of all types, I CANTS, ho shit, panty cream of various textures, bruised eardrums, scorched retinas, battered souls, ROJO!!!, Zahara side-eyes, ailing Aretha chichis, death threats from Beliebers, and restraining order renewals from both Mah Boo and Prince Hot Ginge. And now we'll stuff all of that into the tiny cardboard file box in our heads marked 2010.

You know, we'll probably forget all about it when we wake up from our debauchery-induced coma on the first morning of 2011! And by "debauchery" I mean lying on someone's couch with a bottle of whiskey I got for Christmas and a box of FINE GOURMET chocolates imported from California (aka fucking See's Candies). I can't wait!

And this is where I'm supposed to talk about my New Year's resolutions, but I really only have one. In 2011, I'm going to try lift up the toilet seat more because I really don't need my super to look up at me again while fixing it and tell me that I'm a messy pee-er. Actually, now that I think about it that was one of my favorite moments from 2010, so my one resolution should really be to be an even MESSIER pee-er in 2011. On that note...

I leave you with these pictures of Snooki looking like a shaved hamster in a ball at the Jersey Shore last night. The only good that can come of this is if they launch her into a portal in the sky where she'll be transported back to the Jurassic age and be reunited with her soulmate Holly.

Happy New Year, everybody! Thanks for dealing with my shit every single day.

That's if you're not already on the floor from "stop, drop and rolling" after being hit by a flaming ball of scorching hot loveliness flying out off of the tips of Rojo Caliente's delicate eyelashes. Just when I thought another weekend was going to roll by without being blessed by rays from the gayelle sun, these pictures bear hugged my eyeballs and gave me a reason to go on. Because we all know that Rojo Caliente is the cure for the common everything! This is totally me right now.

Here we have the always beautiful human soul defibrillator and her queen holding court at the Royal Home Depot Ball in Vermont yesterday. No, they are really at the Susan G. Komen Global Awards at the Kennedy Center in DC last night. The new Goddess of Fire looked beautifully handsome in another handmade, one-of-a-kind tuxedo from Men's Warehouse exclusive "Sharp As All Fuck" collection. And only Cynthia Nixon can pull off a gown made from bed sheets charred by Rojo's touch.

How those men behind Rojo and Mrs. Rojo can just sit there like nothing is beyond me. This is some "get on your knees and worship until you pass out" shit.

Okay, my mom's blind dog Chiquita could've figured this one out right away since even the tiniest glimpse of Rojo Caliente makes your loins feel like somebody blew ancho chile rub all over them. If this is new to you then you probably figured that your genitals are on fire because your weekend of debauchery finally caught up with you in a bad way. You can tell your place holder at the free clinic to get out of the line, because this is just your body's natural way of reacting to the human fireball that is Rojo Caliente! Take note!

In NYC last night, a rainbow gently kissed the sidewalk creating two pots of gold which Rojo and Lady Caliente popped out of. Rojo graced the public with her presence to see Jennifer Coolidge, who is looking like the happiest seasoned call girl in a Reno lounge, at Comix.

Seeing Rojo and Lady Caliente wearing the fuck out of their newest Land's End purchases has pretty much wrapped up and dropped a bow on my day. So if you're a bill collector looking for me to pay up, today is the day to call! Yes, I will still curse you out, but I will tell you to have a Very Rojo Day afterwards!

And now let's all stop, drop and roll!

When the elusive and wondrous ginger gayelle unicorn known as Rojo Caliente is caught on camera walking amongst us, it's God's way of winking at us and letting us know it's our lucky day! And that it is! It's like a ladder made out of rainbows and four leaf clovers walking under you.

So play those lottery numbers you thought your cat murmured into your ear in the middle of the night! Blindly send a money order to the con bitch who promised you in an email that you would make thousands in a pyramid scheme. Take a second mortgage out on your home and invest in your third cousin's (twice removed) laundromat/colonic clinic. Quit your job and pursue your dream of becoming a professional napper!

All our dreams will come true and we'll all be millionaires, because the sight of Rojo tells us so! And if we end up bankrupt and homeless, we can print out this picture and use it to keep us warm in our cardboard box house. It's a win-win!

Cynthia Nixon tells The Advocate what makes her labia clap about Rojo Caliente (government name: Christine Marinoni) and who really carries the Home Depot charge card in the family:

“She’s basically a short man with boobs. A lot of what I love about her is her butchness. I’m not saying I fell in love with her in a sexually neutral way. I love her sexuality—it’s a big part of what I love about her—but I feel like it was her. It wasn’t something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, this person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by? Christine would probably kill me for saying this, but my daughter said one time that if you really had to break this down, [it looks like] she would be butch and I would be femme…but really once you get to know us it’s really the opposite.”

A short femme man with boobs?! Cynthia just took me there! Throw my ass on a block of ice, because that description just made my no-no play the final scenes in Firestarter.