I'm in L.A. and:
- It's only 7:15 in the morning and it's already so damn warm that I can run down the side of the freeway with nothing but ass lip mittens on.
- I'm so going to make french toast out of a Double Double and chutney out of off-ramp oranges for breakfast.
- And I've already been baptized as a born again citizen of Southern California by getting flipped off and called something that starts with an "f" (I'm thinking he called me a "funtabulous rascal," but I'm pretty sure he called me a "fucking asshole") when I tried to cut a Yaris off while driving out of the airport.
So, you'd think because of all of that I'd be spitting out smoggy rainbows of happiness. Well, I was until I saw these pictures that reminded me one very, VERY, very important thing: THERE'S NO ROJO CALIENTE IN LOS ANGELES! I was so blinded by the shine of weed cards and Jack In The Box dollar tacos that I completely forgot about this. Why didn't any of you bitches remind me! Sure, I can troll the aisles of some Home Depot, find a fat chola butchie and ask her to please put an orange Tupperware bowl on her head so I won't be so gingersick, but it won't be the same. WHAT HAVE I DONE? We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back to the island!
And these pictures of Cynthia Nixon, Rojo and Little Rojo Christ strolling around NYC were taken in the middle of the night. Yes, the curly rays of sun on Little Rojo Christ's head are that illuminating.
Now everyone in NYC knows why they have charbroiled nipples today (read: it was hotter than hell). The air caught fire when newlyweds Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente strut around NYC today. Cynthia Nixon has a look on her face that says she's over it, frustrated, about to stab choke a kitten with her bare teeth and hasn't had a peaceful bowel movement in days. That is the look on every married ho's face. It's the official look of a wife! Married life looks good on both of them, but really what doesn't? I mean, only Rojo Caliente can pull off a pair of Tommy Bahama shorts and Cynthia is melting the pavement with those Birkenstocks (aka the official footwear of the gayelles).
A little later, Cynthia was on the edge of going full Alec Baldwin on a cab driver when he refused to drive her. Once that NOT KNOWING cab driver realized that he had one of the ginger queens of the island before him, he opened up his yellow chariot and drove her to her palace. Who knew that seeing a slightly rage-filled Cynthia would put me through changes? I thought only Rojo had that effect on me.
Nina Arianda of 50 Shades of Venus Fur beat out Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, for Best Lead Actress in a Play at last night's gay Super Bowl, but I'm pretty sure that a few hours later the full body orgasm she got from being named the greatest non-singing actress on Broadway faded away as she tucked that trophy into bed next to her. Nina stared deep into the doped up eyes of the scary face on the left on her trophy and knew that Cynthia was the real winner of the night since she got to tuck in ROJO CALIENTE!!!!
The reigning Queen and Queen of the ginger gayelles made their first public appearance at the TONYs since they resurrected the beaten horse known as the sanctity of marriage from the dead by becoming each other's wife three weeks ago. It makes the loins of my soul tingle knowing that after all these years together, the sight of Rojo looking dapper as a motherfucker in a Men's Warehouse tuxedo (from their debonair Hobbit collection) still makes Cynthia moist in the pits. The sign of true love IS creamy pits.
Duchess Kate and Prince William's tiny little vow exchange in that small church has been knocked down to the second most important royal wedding of this century now that Rojo Caliente and her ginger queen are married! Even though I haven't even seen one picture from the ceremony and they could've gotten married in the break room of a Subaru dealership for all I know, I can still say this it was the most beautiful and greatest wedding of all-time! I was going to pour a little ginger beer in my morning coffee anyway, but now I have a real reason to do so. Cynthia Nixon's rep tells People that after being engaged for 3 years, she can now say the words millions of people wish they could say, Rojo Caliente is her lawfully wedded wife!
"On May 27, 2012, Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Christine Marinoni, were legally married in the state of New York. Nixon wore a custom dress by Carolina Herrera."
Cynthia's rep says "On May 27, 2012 Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Rojo Caliente, were legally married" but I say, "On May 27, 2012 the sanctity of marriage got a ginger breath of life!!!!!!"
This is the reason why the sun shines on all of us in NYC today. Not because there's no clouds or anything. But because the humanized form of one its rays, Rojo Caliente, married the woman she loves. Congingerlations to our new reigning ginger gayelle queens and my favorite couple next to vodka and soda. This news calls for a soundtrack!
So that's why it's almost like summer in NYC. It's isn't from global warming (it's totally from global warming)! It's because the apparent heir to the American ginger throne, 1-year-old Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (Prince MEN-M) is heating up the sidewalks with the curly halo of flames on his head. No, Cynthia Nixon's hair didn't burn off from being that close to Max's short fro of sparks. Cynthia shaved it all off to do Wit on Broadway.
The rapture has been re-scheduled for a later date, because the world can't end now that a miniature Rojo is here. Prince Max saved us all!!! (See also: ginger babies are the best.)
The soon-to-be Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, caused a shit storm yesterday when she said that she chose to be a lesbian and that in her personal opinion she believes that for some hos it is a choice. Some gay activists lit her asshole up for giving ammo to homophobes and some homophobes gladly used that ammo by leaving comments on other sites like, "One of dem admitted it's a choice! See!" I just wanted Rojo to take me in her teddy bear arms and hold me until bitches stopped screaming at each other.
Well, in another interview, Cynthia gets into her sexuality more. Cynthia says that when she was with a dude, she loved that dude with her heart and loved his peen with her poon. Now that she's with the most beautiful lesbian in the world, she loves that woman with her heart, and loves that woman's poon with her poon. But Cynthia doesn't consider herself bisexual, because nobody likes bisexuals. This is a piece of her conversation with The Daily Beast's Kevin Sessums:
KS: Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship? That quote seemed like you were fudging a bit.
CN: It’s so not fudging. It’s so not. I think for gay people who feel 100 percent gay, it doesn’t make any sense. And for straight people who feel 100 percent straight, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t pull out the “bisexual” word because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals.
KS: But it is the “B” in LGBT.
CN: I know. But we get no respect.
KS: You just said “we,” so you must self-identify as one.
CN: I just don’t like to pull out that word. But I do completely feel that when I was in relationships with men, I was in love and in lust with those men. And then I met Christine and I fell in love and lust with her. I am completely the same person and I was not walking around in some kind of fog. I just responded to the people in front of me the way I truly felt.
So Cynthia thinks that bisexuals don't get any respect and that's her reason for not identifying as one? The hell kind of logic is that? Dumb sluts don't get any respect, but that doesn't stop me from proudly proclaiming that I am one, because maybe one day we'll get the respect we deserve (we won't). Oh, Cynthia. This is a mess. But if Cynthia thinks she's a whateversexual, then she's a whateversexual. It's her sexuality and she can define it any way she wants.
Personally, when it comes to sexuality the only questions I ever have are: Do you have a peen? How big is it? Can I see it? Why did you just throw that drink in my face? Can you do it again?
The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.
"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.
Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."
At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.
The New York Senate voted 33-29 to become the 6th state in the country to legalize same-sex marriage and now I don't have much time to get a part-time job as a catering waiter so I can serve saw dust canapes and Red Hots margaritas at Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon's wedding!
It will now go to Governor Cuomo's desk and he will sign it using a ginger pen (in honor Rojo, of course) as the First Lady of New York Sandra Lee pours him a Gay Pride cocktail made of melted rainbow sherbet and Strawberry Hill. Rojo can become an exquisite summer bride in 30 days. It truly is cocktail time! From CNN:
New York legislators cleared the last major hurdle to legalize same-sex marriage Friday when the state Senate followed the Assembly's lead in approving legislation to do so.
Earlier in the day, the Assembly passed a version of the bill that included an amendment about religious institutions. The Friday night vote in the Senate means the legislation's fate is now in the hands of Gov. Andrew Cuomo, who proposed it.
The Senate vote came after lawmakers agreed on an amendment that would help protect religious institutions from potential lawsuits, Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos said.
And I PRAY that some Prop 8 shit doesn't happen to New York. My eyes just can't swallow the sight of more topless famewhores with tape on their mouths and Sharpie marks on their faces. THINK OF THE DUCT TAPE!
Words will cheapen this beyond beautiful public moment between Rojo Caliente, her queen Cynthia Nixon and the adorable new Rojo Prince of Gingers Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (aka Prince MEN), so I will leave you to print this out in the finest velvet, frame it in gilded gold and place it at an altar surrounded by cinnamon candles. This is my new religion (sorry, Church of Lucite). Who needs a fireplace (or even a radiator that works) when you've got this?
But I will say just one thing.... Why the hell are they posing in front of that cheap ass business park curtain?! They should be in front of a royal blue velvet curtain trimmed with solid gold! Oh, what am I saying? Rojo is forever humble. And we pray....
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
ROJO was knocked up! ROJO had a boy! You can read the details at People while I go and try to switch myself with Rojo Jr. Wish me luck! I'll be back!
Okay, I'm back. The doorman didn't buy my Baby Rojito disguise of a Home Depot onesie, a Land's End diaper, a shaved Annie wig and ginger angel wings. But that will not stop me from celebrating the BABY NEWS OF THIS AND EVERY CENTURY! The lesbian stork slid down the orange part of the rainbow and delivered a healthy baby boy into golden womb of Rojo Caliente. Yes, Rojo was pregnant with the second coming of Rojo Caliente for 9-months and we never knew.
Most of us figured that the halo-like glow coming from her belly was just her Care Bear Stare power acting up again. And when I watched a glittery unicorn with a red mane fly over the city last night, I figured Clay Aiken just farted again. But no, the unicorn was welcoming our new beacon of ginge.
Cynthia Nixon's rep confirmed that Rojo gave birth to their first son together in NYC last night. Cynthia has a 14-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son with her ex-partner Danny Mozes. The rep didn't say who their son's biological father is, but they did say that Cynthia and Rojo have named him Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni.
Max Ellington! And his initials are MEN-M. Max already has a name for when he wants to start an Italian new wave music group. Congratulations to my favorite ginger (sorry PHG) and my favorite celebrity couple! I will be smearing my eyeballs with Vaseline and SPF in anticipation of seeing Baby MEN's first spread in the Home Depot newsletter.