Hold Me

Last night, I posted the promo photos from the new season of "Desperate Housewives." That shit was basically airbrushed near a high-powered fan. Pure nonsense. Well, here's the promo commercial to go with it. You might have seen it on TV. I didn't know mannequins could move! This is some CGI shit.

The 0:24 mark is particularly terrifying. Dear Eva LongWHORIA, never do that again.

And if ABC is ever hurting for cash, they can sell this mess to the Estroven people. This shit has "menopause commercial" written all over it.

Thanks Yolanda

It looks like MGM is actually going through with its plans to remake 1982's "The Poltergeist." The studio has hired Juliet Snowden and Stiles White to write a script. They are also currently looking for a director.

Steven Spielberg co-wrote the original script about "a suburban home built over an Indian burial ground and thus inhabited by a nasty spirit." The original starred Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams, Dominique Dunne and Heather O'Rourke. "Poltergeist" also spawned two sequels.

Many, including myself, think the movie is cursed! Heather and Dominique died after the film's release. Will Sampson, one of the stars of the sequel, performed an exorcism on the set to get rid of "alien spirits." He died a year after the sequel was released. There's a Wikipedia page on "The Poltergeist Curse."

Why would they even touch this?! It's obviously cursed! But if they insist, they should cast Heidi Montag, Parasite Hilton, Spencer Pratt and every member of The Westboro Baptist Church.

24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina of Puerto Rico apparently told his family that when he passes away, he wants to stand upright through his wake. Well, his family granted his wish. Dressed in a Yankees cap, sunglasses and a gold chain, Angel was mourned by family members while standing tall in his mother's living room for 3 days.

The funeral home told The Associated Press that they used a special embalming treatment to keep him standing. His brother said, "He wanted to be happy, standing."

The police are currently investigating Angel's death. His body was found underneath a bridge last Friday.

I guess it's not that strange. I mean, I want half of my ashes stuffed into one of Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels. I want the other half scattered along Robertson Blvd. That way I will always be with international supermodel Phoebe Price. Oh and save a line of my ashes for Amy Wino. I want her to snort me up, Keith Richards-style.

Okay, I take it back. After going through these pictures, I need someone to hold my hand and feed me a Twinkie. I'm a little uncomfortable

The bitch that sent this to me will have nightmares tonight where a million dislocated elbows will dance around him. TRUST. I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is some fucked up shit right here. Fucked up shit with a side of not right piss.

Below is a video of Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai popping out his elbow while trying to lift some heavy shit during his Olympics debut. His elbow comes out and just hangs there like a little walnut.

You see, this is exactly why I don't work out. This can happen to anyone. Yes, I know Janos was lifting heavy crap, but it can also happen when you're touching your toes or even walking down the street. Shit, I don't even know if I can walk anymore after watching this video. I don't want to chance it. So the next time someone asks me why I don't get my lazy ass off the sofa, I'm going to show them this terrifying video.

And if the video wasn't enough for you, visit the Daily Mail to see pictures. I'm sorry.

VIA Deadspin

I just watched this video in its entirety, so I may sound more brain dead than usual. Tori and Dean made a music video for their reality show on Oxygen. Yes, music. Yes, Tori sings. It's not really singing. It's more like the sound of a baby ostrich choking on broken glass.

In the video, Tori and Dean dress up as a bunch of famous couples including Lucy & Desi, Courtney & Kurt, and Sonny & Cher. It's fucking murder to the ears and the eyes! It's seriously a horror show. This shit can be released as the next SAW movie. As is.

On a positive note, I'm going to make this video work for me. The next time I have people over and they refuse to fucking leave. I will whip out this little piece of hell and watch them scatter like roaches for the front door.

VIA Best Week Ever

No, this picture was not taken from the inside of a leather gay bar on Mars. It's the two alien homos known as Tommy Girl and Katie at MotoGp in Laguna Seca, CA. I don't know if Katie's eyes are screaming for help or if she's trying to steal my soul for Tommy Girl's collection. Either way, she's creeping me the fuck out.

And do they go to the same baby hairdresser at Supercuts? I'm only able to tell them apart because of Katie's height. Tommy Girl may be wearing lifts, but Katie still looks taller. He just looks like a little man in big shoes. Do you think if I send Tommy Girl a pair of exquisite lucite heels, he'll wear them?

Mini-Me has dropped a $20 million lawsuit against SugarDVD and TMZ over his famous sexy time tape. He dropped the lawsuit after they agreed not to market the video of him rubbing his lipstick all over that pony lady's vagina.

His lawyer told The Los Angeles Times, "We got what we wanted: a permanent injunction." SugarDVD must have the permission from Mini-Me and his co-star Ranae Shrider before selling the little blue movie.

Mini-Me's lawyer said he wants to keep the tape private and has no plans to sell. He's saying that now, but something tells me Mini-Me is short on cash, so his own piece of hell will soon be up for sale. I can't fucking wait. I still need to know if Mini-Me is hung like a kitten. He has to be bigger than these dudes (NSFW). Seriously, I've seen clits (DON'T CLICK ON THAT) bigger than those dicks. It's pretty sad when you're able to stick the whole dick in your mouth and toss their salad at the same time.

I'm beginning to think that the evil warlords of Hollywood are purposely butchering our beloved classics as part of a bigger plan to slowly destroy us all. And it's working. Variety reports that MGM is planning to do a MUSICAL remake of 1983's "Valley Girl." There goes the dagger. Straight into my non-existent heart.

The musical will use the movie's original story with 80s songs. The movie will SUCK DOG NUTS.

A "Valley Girl" movie without The Plimsouls, EG Daily, Josie Cotton or Deborah Foreman? This is sacrilegious. This is like rewriting the Bible.

You know who Hollywood is probably going to get for this mess? Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, one of the Jonas Hos and they'll throw in Rumer Willis just to torture us even more.

Why ,Valley Girl?! Why couldn't they have taken "Reckless," "Teen Genius" or "Vision Quest" instead?! Anything but Valley Girl! I'm waiting for the day they finally take "Heathers." That will be the final nail.

Why oh why did I read this News of the World interview with Mini-Me's sexy times tape co-star?! Especially on a Monday morning.

You know, I'm all for midget sex! Throwing Mini-Me up in the air to see if he lands in your no-no hole sounds like it could be fun. I just don't want to know all the little details! Actually, I do, but I'm a glutton for punishment. Here's just some of the things Ranae Shrider had to say about sexy times with Mini-Me:

on sexual positions:

"I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!"

These are some non-creative bitches! They could've gotten a baby trapeze for Mini-Me to swing on. That way he could hit it from the back.

on Mini-Me's mini-me:

"It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big."

Um....couldn't he just put the condom over his entire body? FUCK! This bitch is so stupid! Oh and she's totally going to have Mini-Me babies now.

on Mini-Me's sexual appetite (cover your eyes):

"It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing."

Do you think he has mini jizz loads too?

on almost drowning Mini-Me:

"I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub. Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him. Verne's voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, ‘Ranae, I can't see! Get me out, I'm drowning!'

I hope that scene makes it into the sexy times tape. Pure comedy. Seriously though, she could have prevented this by using one of those toddler tubs.

You can read the rest of the interview here. Just make sure you read it on an empty stomach.

Yesterday, I posted about these creepy, faceless creatures from your nightmares that have been popping up all over the UK. They were back today at the Henley Regatta. I guessed they were part of Anonymous. Tommy Girl's yes-yes-hole can breathe a sigh of relief, because they aren't from Anonymous.

io9 reports they are part of a viral marketing campaign for Lotus. You know, the car company. Don't even ask me what the fuckity fuck it means. All I know is that it's wrong to go creeping up on unsuspecting bitches without your face on.

They're lucky that they haven't creeped up on the wrong crazy bitch who would take that faceless mask and shove it up their faceless ass.