I'm Scared

Ten years ago, I would've put a kitten in a headlock to see a movie starring Sheneneh Jenkins from Martin and Waaaaanda Waaaanda from In Living Color. But now that my dreams circa 1999 are coming true, I'm not sure whether to bust out a soul orgasm or shake my head like an abuelita who is about to attack. Oh, who am I fooling? My nipple mouths are singing, "Oh mah guuuuudniss." I've been waiting for this and I didn't even know it.

Variety (via Coming Soon) says that Jamie Foxx and Martin Lawrence will tuck and pucker up in Sheneneh and Wanda, a comedy starring the female characters they both developed during their stand-up days. Jamie Foxx will write the script. What's shocking is that this is not a Tyler Perry Production.

At the BET Awards, Sheneneh and Wanda joined forces to shoot a fake trailer for a movie called Skank Robbers (not based on Lindsay Lohan's life). The parody brought the laughs, so they decided to turn it into a full-length feature film.

And Skank Robbers could also go by the title "Eddie Murphy's favorite jack-off material."

I didn't even have to blink twice before figuring out who Cojo dressed up as to Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night. When my dog ran out of the room screaming, I knew that only one beast could instill that kind of fear into small furry animals: KHLOE KARDASHIAN!!!!!!

Cojo makes a better Khloe Kardashian than Khloe Kardashian does. And he nailed that "hongray for woodland creatures" look in his eye. It's so real! You're expecting him to yank that veil off, howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness. Just like the real Khloe.

Although, my only criticism is that he could've used more arm and upper lip hair for authenticity. Other than that, Cojo triumphed as Khloe. You know Lamar Odom will be busting into face seizures all day from jacking off to these pictures like maniac. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it off with Khloe and proposes to KhloJo instead.

I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood had a prostitot Halloween section? An ensemble like this was only meant to be worn while Bret Michaels tells you that your tour ends here. It was not meant to be worn by a 9-year-old girl! When is that time machine going to be ready so it take us back to the time where 9 year-olds dressed like spooky goblins, bacon-eating robots, and lumpy pumpkins?

Here's Noah Cyrus and her friend at Jamie Lee Curtis' Halloween party yesterday dressed like....like...I don't even know. And you know, I don't want to know either! Let's not skip down that road, because Chris Hansen will probably be waiting at the end.

When Noah and her friend showed up to the party, everyone probably called it a day. They did not want to end up on some government list.

We've had a good run, but I think we should all be thrown in a convent. It's Billy Ray's fault.

Just so you know that the theme of the party wasn't "Vh1 reality stars," I threw in some pictures of Jamie Lee (as Mother Nature), the Sprouse Twins (as Brad Pitt and Shiloh) and Daryl Hannah (as your office manager on Halloween).

And Donatella Versace was born minutes after LiLo. Ugh. When you're 23-years-old and you make 305-year-old zombie vampire Donatella Versace looks like a newly sprung spring dandelion basking in the morning sun, it's time to retreat to the nearest oxygen tank to take a much-needed NAP! Don't get me wrong, Donatella still looks like she'd eat your brain right out of your skull with a gold-plated spork, but LiLo looks like she'd use your brains to cut her coke with. And do you really want your brains partaking in illegal activities? That was a trick question.

LiLo just needs to start all over again. Maybe when Michelle Duggar finishes birthing her ten millionth baby, she'll let LiLo crawl up in her womb and get some nourishment.

Here's more of LiLo and Donatella trading diet, tanning, beauty and drug tips at the Whitney Museum's Gala in NYC last night. Yeah, two creatures who look like they escaped from an exhibit at the Natural History Museum partying it up at the Whitney. WILD!

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

On Oprah tomorrow, Mackenzie Phillips is supposed to drop an OMGWTFIDIEWHYWHY family secret. Well, the secret is out and it is definitely all sorts of fucked up. You might want to clear your throat and wash your eyes out with holy water before, after and during.

In her new tell-all book High on Arrival, Mackenzie says that she had sex with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. California Nightmarin'!!!!!!!!!!!

49-year-old Mackenzie said that she would do the bad shit with her father all the time. In fact, John, who died in 2001, shot Mackenzie up with heroin for the first time. And on the night before her wedding to Jeff Sessler in 1979, her dad tried to stop her from marrying his ass. Mackenzie writes, "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed. My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout."

The following year continued to be a fucked up time for Mackenzie. She was fired from One Day at a Time for being addicted to the bad shit and she went to rehab with her father. Mackenzie says their sexual relationship became "consensual." She went on to write, "I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me. One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we're going to hell for this."

If this isn't an anti-drug ad, I don't know what is. But Mackenzie said that we shouldn't "hate" her father for this. Too late. According to Mackenzie, the dude introduced her to heroin and forced/manipulated her into a sexual relationship with him. So not only is this an anti-drug ad, but it's an anti-John Phillips ad too.

What would Schneider say?!?!

VIA People

No, this is not a still from the Fatal Attraction remake starring Seabiscuit's great great granddaughter. Although, I'd rather see that shit than a SATC sequel.

Here's Sarah Jessica Parker channeling her inner "Alex Forrest" on the set of Sex and the City 2: Don't Look A Gift Horse in the Mouth in NYC yesterday. By the looks of these pictures, SJP is shooting some kind of flashback scene, which means she's supposed to be 25 years younger.

Methinks we're going to be seeing the ladies running around in outfits from T.J. Maxx and sipping on Strawberry Hill-tinis (delicious), because most of the movie's budget is being used on some CGI shit. Industrial Light & Magic, Carrie Bradshaw is on line 2!

Am I having some kind of acid flashback, because I don't even know what I'm looking at. Slap me or stick an ice cube up my ass, because this does not feel like real life! Stacy Haiduk, who plays Mary Jane on The Young and the Restless, brought this puss purse as her date to the Daytime Emmy Awards tonight in L.A.. Don't worry, she kept a little bag of Tender Vittles up her ass to feed her cat later. FUCKERY!

I'm guessing that this is just a stuffed animal (the toy kind) bag and not an actual taxirdermy cat, because if that was the case PETA would be on this bitch like crabs on Parasite Hilton. PETA wouldn't throw a bag of flour on her like they did with LiLo, they'd throw an entire wheat field on this bitch! They wouldn't cover her in just a little paint, they would drop an entire Glidden factory on her head!

Stacy is all sorts of wrong for bringing her creepy purssy out in public! This piece of horrific fuckery should be kept at home.....in a trunk....a padlocked trunk. And I'm no Sylvia Browne, but I'm going to predict that we will all have the same star of our nightmares tonight: THIS PUSS PURSE! It's eyes are alive and it's gonna git you!

UPDATE: Thanks to zoohouse3 for letting my ass know that Stacy's character on the show is a Crazy McCrazy who thinks her dead cat is a real one. The stuffed cat she brought to the Emmys tonight is also the one she uses on the show. Stacy still needs to keep her creepy purssy in the studio! The children are crying!

I guess wearing bootleg colored contacts bought at the swap meet are the new thing, because Amber Rose wore hers while hosting Tao Beach at The Venetian yesterday. Yes, hosting stupid ass pool parties (see below) is all the rage! Wake me when international supermodel Phoebe Price and Ariel Wade co-host a pool party at the Super 8 in Gainesville, Florida. Fish grease + Chicken Cutlets = A good fucking time.

It was nice of Gay Fish to temporarily unattach Amber Rose's umbilical cord from his b-hole, so she can go out and make her own money. He probably got sick of opening his precious coin purse every time she needed a few dollars to get a shave and a bleach at the barber shop.

Here's more pictures of the alien android known as Amber Rose making some money yesterday afternoon in Las Vegas. I hope they poured extra chlorine in that pool, because every trick in there probably pissed their bikinis out of fright when they first saw her "STAINS on the bad shit" eyes. Throw a cupcake at her!

Johnny Knoxville has given the virus known pregnancy to his girlfriend of one year Naomi Nelson. Johnny's rep confirms to UsWeekly that Naomi is knocked up with his second kid. 38-year-old Johnny has a 13-year-old daughter with his ex-wife.

It looks like the drought is over! Just when I was beginning to think that the world was temporarily safe, we've been hit hard with another BABY!!! typhoon.

Brace yourselves. Everyone has a baby coming around the corner: Jude Law, Colin Farrell, one of the Karadashian creatures, that Tunisian fetus machine and now Johnny Knoxville. Jizz the season, I guess.