I'm Scared

I'm typing this post with one hand, because my other hand is consoling my no-no hole. It's scared and confused after hearing this story.

This past Monday night, two cops in Indiana were on their normal patrol when they noticed a naked dude in the window of his home. The window's blinds were not closed, so everyone could see the naked pepaw and his shriveled cucumber. The two cops approached the pepaw's door, which was wide open. They went inside and discovered some fucked up shit. I mean, fucked up shit! Cover your a-hole when read the next part. You don't want it to cry, because that will just make everything a mess.

The pepaw was on his sofa nailing himself in the ass with a claw hammer! The claw hammer was covered in a plastic bag and shoved up there. The cops also noticed some lube-type shit all over his genitals and nalgas. It was motor oil. Okay, let's take a moment and think about this for a second. Now the police report didn't say which part of the claw hammer was up his ass. Please don't tell me it was the claw part, because my asshole will start bawling and I'm wearing my last clean pair of panties.

I mean, I'm all for sticking shit up your ass, whatever you gotta do to get yours, but damn! Pepaw is going to pull out a kidney or something.

He obviously has some sort of fetish for tools. I don't even want to think about what he does with a hand brace or a sledgehammer. And what's with the motor oil? Was his ass squeaky or something?

The pepaw was arrested for felony public indecency. He asked for a second chance, but the cops denied him when they found out he had a previous conviction for public indecency.

The cops also interviewed a neighbor lady who said he's always naked in front of his window. She went on to say, "He does it 24/24. He's not right." Wait till she hears about the sexy things he can do with a claw hammer.

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Even with all his problems with that horsey lady with the scaaawy teefs, Mini-Me still manages to get the hot chicks. It's funny that Mini-Me's lady is making that face, because she's going to be making that same face later when Mini-Me's toddler leg is halfway up her chocha. It's okay, girl. Just breathe and think about rainbows and garden gnomes. Well, maybe not gnomes.

Mini-Me is still no match for me. I'd get with that bitch, but he would have to bring his A-GAME. One leg isn't going to cut. I'd have to shout at him, "Bitch! Use two legs. I can't feeeeeel it, bitch! Put a condom over your body and dive on in, because I'm ready to do this!"

Here's Mini with some chick at a Sidekick party last night. This makes me really want a scooter. It would make life so much better.

Sherri Shepherd, second dumb-bitch-in-command next to Elisabeth Hasselcrack on "The View," told a Christian women's magazine that she has "had more abortions than I would like to count." Somebody get Guinness World Records on the phone!

Sherri opened up to Precious Times magazine about her rough past which included drugs and fucking tons of dudes. She said, "My sister was heavy into drugs, and we would have to go and get her from crack houses. I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions than I would like to count." She can count?!

Sherri, who was a Jehovah's Witness at the time, said she was involved in a very abusive relationship. When she converted to Christianity, everything changed for her, "God showed me that it would make a difference. I ask the Lord, 'Why am I here?' I have to trust God when He says, 'Because I said so.'"

She also thinks Barbara Walters needs saving, "Oh, sometimes I say, 'Lord, Juanita Bynum or Joyce Meyer would be so good at this table. They could lay hands on Barbara Walters and get her saved.'" I can already hear Barbara screaming, "Thut up, Therri!"

Sherri, just because you have a mouth, doesn't mean you need to use it all the time. Even I keep some things to myself, like the time I let some 75-year-old pepaw pay me to play with his shriveled turtlehead. I've never told anyone that.......until now.

VIA UsWeekly

File this under: This will be your nightmare tonight. These faceless people have been seen all over England the past few days from Elton John's white ball, to the Harrod's sale and today they haunted Wimbledon.

Methinks these hos are from Anonymous, the group that keeps Tommy Girl awake at night. If it is Anonymous, they've really stepped up their look. I just hope none of these bitches creep up on me when I least expect it. I like my bowels just where they are, thank you very much. Actually, sometimes I like it when....forget it.

And this is totally what Xtina looks like without make-up.

It came from the grave...... Eeek! If the whole international superstar thing doesn't work out for Madge, she can always get a job as the Crypt Keeper's hand double. And no, she's not wearing her wedding ring. Despite all the rumors that her marriage is in the shitter, Madge and her family showed up to Friday night services at the Kabbalahahaahha Center in NYC last night.

The Sun reports that Guy Ritchie will fly his ass to NYC this weekend to try and save his marriage. A source said, “It is make or break time for Guy and Madonna. She is completely focused on rehearsals for her tour in America and can’t come back to London. They want to make the marriage work, but they are at a stalemate. Divorce is something they have thought about.”

The source also claims that the main issue is that Madge wants to move her family to NYC, but Guy wants to stay in England. A few Dlisted birdies told me that the main issue is that Guy can't keep his "other guy" in his pants. I'm surprised to hear that he still has a dick. I thought that Madge's vagina of death chomped that thing off a while ago.

If Madge moves back to NYC, does this mean she will finally drop that truly hideous British accent? If only.

Not Steven Fucking Tyler!!! And the pepaw is posing in those things like he's feeling sexy in them. I blame all of his booze and drugs problems on Crocs! I also blame them for making him look like Carly Simon.

I'm seriously starting to see those plastic vagina shoes everywhere! They are taking over the Earth and soon we will be a world filled with Crocs. I mean, they started making Crocs high heels. The fugness must end!

Just when you think you've seen it all, you come across straight-up fuckery like this. It's some dude with a green bag over his head doing dry fuckey fuckey times with a giant Cheeto made from little Cheetos. Seriously, this freak-of-the-week works that Cheeto over and has it begging for more. Thankfully, he keeps his panties on. I am not ready for dick cheese on cheese action.

You know Brit Brit has hired a team of highly-skilled private investigators to track down this Cheeto-fucking dude. She wants to double team that giant Cheeto with him. Cheeto fuckers!

P.S. - The video is slightly NSFW. More importantly, it might permanently kill your appetite for anything Cheeto.

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Thanks Jessica & James

OJ Simpson's girlfriend, Christie Prody, was involved in a serious car accident in Miami on Saturday. She's currently being treated for 2 broken legs and other injuries.

The cops say Christie was driving down the highway when she had to pull over due to two flat tires. Christie got out of her car and tried to cross the highway. Brilliant move. She almost made it to the other end, but she didn't. She was hit by an oncoming car. Her head and arms went through that car's windshield and she landed inside the vehicle with her legs sticking out.

Police found an empty bottle of vodka in her car. They also found her pet dog. The pooch was taken to a shelter to be cared for.

In February, Christie was hospitalized with a severe head injury after she claimed "she fell" at a Miami gas station.

I hope her chola eyebrows are ok. That's her best feature. Seriously, being OJ's girlfriend is not good for your health. OJ is bad fucking luck.

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Satan don't take me now! I don't know what's scarier, Elisabeth Hasselcrack or that big tranny pony? The combination of the two is fucking frightening.

I'm definitely checking under my bed tonight for a Republican twat in pink or a big tranny pony.

Here's Hasselcrack, her daughters and big tranny pony at the premiere of "My Little Pony Live!" at Madison Square Garden tonight. Wait, you mean there's more of those big tranny ponies? Hold me.....