I'm Scared

If you watched this last night, then you're probably not reading these words right now, because you're still rocking back and forth on your bed pretending like this never happened. Last night, Amanda Bynes tweeted this video of her getting ready with the caption:

I'm Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight :D

What in the John Waters meets Julie Masking meets a tweaked out Lil Kim meets a melting Nicki Minaj meets a strung out Courtney Stodden HELL?!

I know Renee Zellweger was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Chicago for doing exactly what Amanda is doing in that video above, but damn. If Amanda is Joaquin-ing us, she needs to stop. If Amanda isn't Joaquin-ing us, Jesus needs to take the wheel and drive her to the nearest Sally's Beauty Supply to sort out those unsynchronized brows. They look like two sad, broken see saws.

And that must've been a seriously intense Sour Patch Kid.

via E! 

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been bright shiny A-list stars in the UK (not at all), so of course Channel 5 aired a special about them on Monday night. During the special, Twit and Twat took the cameras into the garage of his parents' beach house in Santa Barbara, CA (where their asses are living for free since they're broker than a Lohan) to show off their collection of guns including an FBI sniper rifle and a rapid engagement precision rifle. Of course, none of those names really mean anything to Heidi since she had her brain lipo'ed out to make her head skinnier. The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we're all fucking doomed.

As HuffPo (via IDLYITW) says, Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and "crazed fans." WHAT FANS?! These bitches. If Twit and Twat have any fans, then I'm sure those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff. I'm sure they're safe.

Twit and Twat share a brain with Brittany from Glee (no offense to Brittany from Glee), because they thought the Mayan Apocalypse was going to happen so they spent all of their money last year. So that should tell you how good they are at making smart decisions.

And does anybody know if TJ Maxx sells bulletproof helmets and bulletproof onesies, because I'm going to need to wear that shit all the time now that I know that these two dick queefs own a bunch of guns.

I'll wait here as you lure your soul from the darkest corner of the room after it jumped out of your ass from seeing this picture of Madonna slurping on a martini glass full of the tears of Lady CaCa and the green balls of Guy Ritchie. Madge opened her Instagram account a while ago, but she officially christened it yesterday by posting this terrifying picture of her looking like Mr. Burns as an albino Bettie Page. THOSE DEMON EYES! If you're a dude, then your nutsack probably ripped itself off of your body and slammed itself against the screen, because her eyes could cut off a pair of iron testicles.

Madge didn't stop there either. She posted also posted this picture....

Oh, Madge, you old whore, you. I guess since Madge wasn't a 17-year-old slut during the whole MySpace era, she didn't get to post a picture of her chichis on the Internet. So she's making up for lost times by posting her sweaty tits on Instagram. Get it, Madge. Show Demi Moore how memaws gone wild really do it.

via UsWeekly

Drop the phone, you don't have to make a three-way call to the authorities and Chris Hansen. I know this looks like a a psychopathic creepster planting a threatening kiss on the forehead of the terrified teenager he kidnapped from the mall. But this is actually a kiss of love that 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy gave to his 26-year-old girlfriend Mary-Kate Olsen at the Mavericks vs. Knicks game in NYC. 16 years isn't that big of an age difference, but sometimes she looks like she's barely twelve and he's a rough 42. He also looks like Tom Hanks after falling face first out of a tree and then getting attacked by ten swarms of bees. His face kind of looks like an inside/out mask. But you know, the dick must be good and he obviously loves some troll poon, because they've lasted longer than I thought.

On a different note, WHERE ARE HIS EYES?! Did his eyes refuse to take part in this fuckery and quit his face?

When you're about to close your eyes to go to sleep tonight, just remember that somewhere on the outskirts of Las Vegas, Marie Osmond is up in her doll attic, softly singing a lullaby into the porcelain ears on of her dolls while surrounded by hundreds of doll babies wearing pajamas. I think I just typed out the plot for the next season of American Horror Story.

At the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas yesterday, Marie Osmond signed her dolls for her fans while a dude in the background made a "Why am I here face?" and a lady behind him made a "Lord, I just wanna look that dude's bald spot" face. I have a look of terror on my face, because when I look at a picture of Marie with one of her dolls, it's really hard for me to tell which one is made of porcelain and which one is made of plastic.

Maybe it's because most of my friends are mega sluts with no standards, but a lot of them have their own story about hooking up with a doll lover. One of my friends hooked up with some dude whose bedroom was full of porcelain dolls, floor to ceiling, and wanted to do the deed in there with the lights dimmed. Being the fearless slut that my friend is, he did it. There's nothing more terrifying and awkward and uncomfortable than doing butt sex while holding in the shit the creepy dolls are trying to scare out of you. I don't know why he would do that. Dolls are already know everything! Why was he giving him more information? How can he walk around the street knowing that dozens of dolls have stared deep up into his no-no?

If human eyes are the windows to the soul, then doll eyes are the windows to hell. Except for the Alexis Carrington doll. She's an angel sent from above.

Gina B (not to be confused with Gina G) the nanny who used to work for OctoMom and said that she gets drunk on vodka and cranberry juice all the time, is spilling more secrets and this one I didn't need to know. I'm passing it on to you, because we will suffer and scrub the sucio images out of our brain with a rusty Chore Boy together!

OctoMom said a couple of months ago that the older members of her child army sort of know that the food she put on their table came from her tickling her twat on camera. Well if Gina is telling the truth, then at least one of Octo's mom kids not only knows about the video, he's seen it with his own eyes. ("So that's why he always runs away screaming from the cafeteria when it's open-faced meat lasagna day" said OctoMom's son's teacher.)

TMZ says that back in June, Gina ratted out Octo to Child Protective Services after finding out that the 11-year-old OctoKid was watching porn on his phone and it wasn't just any porn, it was his mom's porn. Octo somehow found out that her 11-year-old son was watching her scratch cat in her debut porn movie and asked Gina to block the site from his phone. Gina couldn't block the site from his phone, because Octo wouldn't give her the password to it. Octo apparently handled the situation herself by telling her son to stay away from porn.

Walking in on your parents doing stuff that you never want to see them doing is scarring enough, so I can only image the emotional scars that are left on your soul when you watch a video of your mom doing that to herself. That 11-year-old kid just won a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants.

Cop: So, I pulled you over, because there's five bloody limbs hanging out of your trunk, you were driving 150 mph in a stolen car, you mowed down a litter of kittens, your backseat is filled with weed you stole from a medical marijuana dispensary, you reek of a Lohan and worst of all, you're blasting a Carly Rae Jepsen song.

OctoKid: My mom is OctoMom and I watched her porn when I was 11.

Cop: Have a good night, sir. Drive safe. Do you need a police escort to the strip club?

And obviously, Octo should take away his phone and use the money to pay for daily, intensive hypnotherapy sessions.

From Nishanto the bear scarer to Rosie the gorilla scarer....

On last night's reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the rabid animals from the New Jersey exhibit in the Bravo zoo were all stuffed into the old pageants gowns of Miss Venezuelas past and were forced to go after each other while a confused, scared, wonk-eyed gay squirrel looked on. And DAMN did they go after each other. In the clip above, new-faced Kathy goes after no forehead-having Theresa by calling her father a coward. Theresa returned the slap by bringing up Kathy's late father and that shit awoke the butch beauty beast!

Former HSOTD and Kathy's sister Rosie nearly made Theresa's gorillas in the mist hairline jump back a few inches when she started screaming backstage. Rosie threatened to rip Theresa's head off and serve it to Kate Capshaw. Cousin Rosie went OFF like somebody just took the last Home Depot lumber cart that she had her eye on. We won't really know if Cousin Rosie ate Theresa's head off until part two airs next week, but this is all I needed to see.

I have never been this sexually turned on IN MY LIFE. Rosie's rant made me a lesbian and now I think I need to spend some alone time in Tokyo's dildo bar.

Yesterday we all lost an American icon who was the first human to walk on the moon, and today we gain a future American icon who will probably go on to do history-making things like moon a bunch of tricks at Karma on a Sunday morning. It's the circle of life.

As Neil Armstrong floated up to heaven hoping that his spirit doesn't land in the reincarnation bin before getting spit out into the body of a certain guidoling, Snooki went into labor last night and this morning she gave birth to the chosen child of the Jersey Shore. That's one small step for a Guidoling, one giant leap for the end of civilization as we know it.

When the news of Snooki letting out an Ooma Loompa birthin' wail made the rounds on Twitter and everywhere else yesterday afternoon, hos everywhere stocked up on Jäger and self-tanner before going down into their end of the world bunkers. Then at around 3 this morning at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, N.J., Snooki's baby boy fist pumped his way out of her poon and was probably greeted by MTV's cameras. I can't wait to see the touching moment when Snooki's kid hugs an MTV camera, stares into its lens and lets out his first words, "Are you my mommy?

Ten seconds after Snooki made history by being the first Oompa Loompa to give birth out of captivity, she went on Twitter and confirmed that her and her piece Jionni LaValle named their kid Lorenzo D:

I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE'S MY WORLD! ❤

Snooki's rep (yeah, she has one of those) tells People that baby is resting comfortably in his tanning bed crib and mother is resting comfortably on her hospital bed while Jionni stands over her face, squeezing 100 proof booze drops out of her drunk placenta and into her open mouth hole. Seriously, Snooki's placenta is probably a bloody organ of booze. On that note, it's Bloody Mary time!

For whatever reason, Sofia Vergara got done up in full Lucille Ball drag and posted it Twitter (via DM) a couple of days ago. Just thinking about Sofia screaming "Rick-eeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaah!" has made my ears curl. Well, if you've always wanted to see what it would look like if a grown up Little Ricky did a whole lot of the bad shit until he got coke mouth and then dressed in drag as his mother, your wish has come true. Now if I can only get a naked Prince Hot Ginge to dress in drag as Sofia Vergara as Lucille Ball, it will officially be Dreams Do Come True week!

If you read about the final sign of the apocalypse last night, you might've woken up this morning thinking that it was all just a terrible, terrible nightmare caused by the maple syrup butt enema (it's a new thing, check GOOP) you gave yourself before bedtime. But nope, that nightmare exists on earth. Chad Kroeger from Nickelback proposed to Avril Lavigne after only 6 months together and she said yes. The proof is this picture of Avril flashing her 14 carat diamond engagement ring in HELLNO! Canada (via Twirlit). Yes, doesn't Satan's biggest kidney stone look beautiful when it's polished and put on Avril's finger? Since Chad and Avril are Canada's new royal couple, their wedding will be televised live. When it airs, pay attention to that ring, because as soon as they say "I do" it will open up and the portal to Hell will be revealed.

It's not all tragic news, though. At least Hell's tourism board has a new picture to put on their "Welcome to the Ninth Circle" sign off the highway. And at least you'll get in shape by taking up boxing. I mean, if Everlast knows good business, they'll put that picture on all their punching bags.

Here's Avril promoting her shitty clothing line at the MAGIC Convention in Las Vegas yesterday. It's nice to see that true love hasn't changed her impeccable style.