I'm Scared

If you have a cat in the room right now, you might want to tell it to go take a walk while you watch this video. If you let it stay and watch, it will start to get ideas and expect you to give it a full-on massage WITH oils (it's a rebel).

This is a video from a magical land called the 1980s of some crazy cat lady instructing us on how to correctly massage a cat. This is basically like lady-on-cat softcore porn. For instance, she says that it's a good thing if your cat forgets to swallow and starts drooling at the mouth. That means your cat is loving your hands all over its body. Okay, does is it also a good thing if your cat lights up a cigarette after its drooling session, because that shit sounds like a happy ending. You can't fool drool.

And today's phrase that pays is: "Who's the best cat in the United States? It's you Champer Damper, it's you."

VIA Everything Is Terrible

Clippers shook in fear, pink wigs weeped for their future and every crazy house in the L.A. area braced themselves for a CODE CHEETO after this picture of Brit Brit and HoHan was taken the other night. We all know what happened the last time these two got together. Although, Parasite Hilton was added to the mix the last time, so maybe she's the key ingredient (herp juice and wonk eye booger) to make things go BOOM. Keep her away at all costs (tip: just keep her busy by asking her to name all her crotch crabs) or it really may be the end for all us.

And Brit Brit should pose with HoHan more often, because she actually looks like a semi-sane and healthy individual next to her. For real. HoHan is looking like Donatella Versace's fried and malnourished clitoris.

VIA Rolling-Blackouts.com

This video montage from the geniuses at Everything Is Terrible had me laughing, crying for mommy, calling my local congressman and checking the registered offenders list for the name Yogi Ogi Dogi. Is PedoBear a trust fund baby, because who in what actually invested money in this?!

Even the damn cow is making me want to crawl under my bed. Cows should not say "Mmmmm" like that!

The only thing missing from this video is Chris Hansen dose e' doe-ing of that barn in overalls. Everyone needs to have a seat!

I don't know if I can ever breathe again without feeling like I've been violated.

Lance Armstrong's girlfriend, Anna Hansen, popped out a baby and he has already made his internet debut. Last night, Lance's new son Max Twittered about his birth and even posted a picture of himself. Max: "Wassup, world? My name is Max Armstrong and I just arrived. My Mommy is healthy and so am I!"

You know, whenever I go see a friend or relative who has just had a baby it's usually the same thing. They hold up their week old ball of preciousness and say to me, "Isn't he/she the most cutest baby you've ever seen?" I clear my throat, blink several times, think of fluffy kittens frolicking in the fields and then lie my ass off by saying, "DUH! Of course!" For me, most newborns look like they are going to grab you with their claws, climb on your head and eat your brains before retreating to their home planet. Which makes sense since they've been living in another human's body for 9 months! It's all kind of science fiction-like. It takes them a couple of weeks to settle in and get all the womb meat out of their eyes.

And Max is already a genius, because he's not even a week old and he already knows how to Twitter! Blowing my mind.

VIA People

Lady CaCa says she wants to turn her suffocated pussay into a cherry picker and go a'pluckin' in Jonas Land. During an interview with the Daily Star (via Press Association), the performance fartist said, "I love the Jonas Brothers, they're very talented, I met them once, I'd like to have a foursome with them."

Herm. I'm pretty sure that the moment one of the Jonas Brothers stuck their purity poles into Lady CaCa's chocharonie would be God's cue to hit the button. The world has suffered enough.

Although, maybe a Jonas/CaCa fuck party wouldn't be such a bad thing. I mean, those three little twinkies would limp out of there with their Disney-owned nutsacks in one hand and their decapitated wangs in the other. No pro-creating for them! We all win.

But seriously, you know the Jonas Twinks have had more panty action than Lady CaCa. Purity schmurity.

The rumor that a new spawn of Gibson will soon be upon us has been confirmed as TRUE! The old crazy goat made jokes with Jay Leno about it on the Tonight Show last night. It may be a bag full of LOLs to him, but nobody else is laughing. The only way we'll laugh is if Mel's whore gives birth to a pair of tits made out of sugar or a yarmulke!

29-year-old Oksana Grigorieva will pop out Mel's 8th child sometime this fall. Some source who sounds like they are suffering from a serious case of delusion told People that the pregnancy has nothing to do with the reason why Mel's wife of 28 years filed for divorce. According to the source, nobody knew the ho had a fetus growing inside of her until after the red stamp labeled FILED was branded into the papers.

Mel blames himself for the fact that his marriage turned into dust. Mel told Jay, "My wife and I, our marriage ended three years ago and we've been separated ever since then. When it's all said and done, I did a pretty good hatchet job on my marriage myself. I'm to blame. If you're inclined to judge, put it here."

Mel also said it was true that his trick is knocked up. When Jay joked that this will be his 29th child, Mel said, "Well, actually eight. I guess I'm Octo-Mel." OCTO-MEL?! Do you hear that? It's the sizzling sound of all your ovaries slowly melting. It's bad enough that Mel's whore looks like the IVF baby of OctoMommy and an eel.

Is there somewhere in the Catholic bible that says if you take a hatchet to your marriage and impregnate your Russian mistress, you must be fed to an overgrown raging possum (aka Kate Gosselin's hair)? Because if that isn't in the Catholic Bible, someone (I'm looking at you, Jesus) needs to add that shit now and show it to Mel. This is our way out!

Mel Gibson and his wifey were separated for a couple of years before she dropped divorced papers into his lap, right? Why would she suddenly want to legally quit his ass after two years of being broken up? The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) says that the reason might have been because Mel's new whore is carrying his latest spawn. File this under: The Passion of the NOOOOO!!!

A source said that Oksana Grigorieva is about three months pregnant. Late last month, Mel gathered his whole family around and let them all know the horrific news. Mel's oldest sons, Edward and Christian, immediately hired lawyers to make sure their trust funds are safe. The source went on to say, “They are quite upset. Even though Mel assured them the pregnancy was unplanned, they’re furious with him and say they’re going to take steps to protect their inheritance, which they feel is in jeopardy.”

Cue my Catholic abuelita screaming SANTO DIOS again! A married Catholic knocking up his married whore who has the face of an OctoCrazy? Typical shit.

If this is true, I have to hand it to OctoSana. Bitch knows how to get that money in record time. She saw, he came, she conquered, I barfed.

Kate Gosselin dragged her beaten down beaver hair onto Larry King last night to pimp out that book she wrote about being a big ass cunt. No, the book is about kiddes or something. But she really should write a book on how to embrace your cuntness, because she is quickly becoming my cunt idol.

Of course, Larry brought up the whole "Jon is bumping on a teacher" thing. Larry read a statement from Jon where he once again denied ever getting sexy with that woman. Kate blamed fame. But she also blamed Jon for being so stupid in the brains.

Kate told Larry, "I am not a celebrity. "I am a mom and a wife. And I feel that Jon is having difficult times realizing that, you know, you can't go to the grocery store without people whipping out their cell phones, calling everyone they know and taking pictures of you. He is dealing very poorly with it. And I feel like these, you know, things are making him realize, oh, my gosh, I cannot go anywhere without everyone knowing. I look at life as a glass half full is my attitude. And I feel like we have learned a lot, the kids have gained a lot. We have benefited a lot. And life lessons is -- you will see in our show. And this is full of life lessons. Life happens. And, you know, we all have to react to what happens to us. And I choose happiness. And I choose to survive anything."

And you also choose to be the biggest cunt who ever cunted. Heather Mills better hop up her game.

You know, does Jon do anything right, Kate? I'm sure can't pee pee right. He can't wipe his ass by himself right. He can't even cry over his slaughtered balls right. Shit, he can't even cheat right! The only thing he does right is do everything wrong! Preach it, Kate!

VIA UsWeekly

There's a few things you should no before you truthfully answer that question. This dude probably lives in a room in his grandparents house. He most likely works part-time in the storage room at a Blockbuster near his house. He eats his own semen, so he can keep his jizz count up and doesn't lose any unborn babies. He loves to spank his nalgas while he's spanking his little Jedi warrior (that's totally what he calls it) . He likes to wear diapers and isn't ashamed to admit it. He wears briefs. He "poos" in his pants sometimes. And don't even ask me what he does with all those action figures in the background. The places they've been....

So if you haven't passed out, checked yourself into the nearest hospital or barfed up all your insides yet, what's it going to be? As for me, I'd hit it. WELL, he'd clean up afterwards!

VIA Buzzfeed

Is that a belly button or did Chyna's (NSFW) mutant clit escape and take refuge on Kelly Ripa's stomach? I don't know whether to hiss at it or sit on it.