I'm Scared

Wearing a thick layer of stearic acid to protect his skin from melting into a puddle on the sand, Calvin Klein dragged his body through the beach in Miami yesterday with his former porn star piece Nick Gruber at his side. They look like the centerfolds of a Dorian Gray swimsuit calendar. Like the after & before victim of the thinner curse.

Even though Calvin's body has probably been sucked, pinched, prodded and stuffed by the hands of a dozen plastic surgeons and morticians, the old ho is still looking good from the neck down for being 68 years old.

As for Nick, I'm surprised that Calvin has kept him around this long. Nick is 21 and that's usually when a sugar daddy starts to smell the old in their sugar baby's veins and trades him in for a younger piece. But Nick must be doing something right and I can't hate him for that. Shit, if the Creature of the Black Lagoon's grandpa gave me a debit card and the key to his penthouse, I'd snort a line of Dramamine, gargle with holy water and get on that.

Charlie Sheen took his rambling radio tour of crazy crackery to TV this morning with interviews on both Good Morning America and Today, and looooooooooord. Either this is Casey Affleck's sequel to "I'm Still Here" or Charlie has jumped off the rails and snorted 'em up. I'm putting all my tokens on the latter, because Charlie barely even blinks. It's like the crack smoke is holding his eyelids up. Even his plugs are trying to quit his ass. Their idea of a well-balanced meal is not fingernail dirt, bong sludge and coke-infused venom. That malnourished dumpster cat on Charlie's head is in dire need of an IV bag full of vitamins.

Charlie has pretty much aged 20 years in the past couple of months and now has the face of a (don't click) turtle's parched asshole. And yup, a turtle's parched asshole is definitely the face of winning.

While playing with a red wire from an F-18 bomb, Charlie rattled about how he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre for breach of contact. Charlie suggests that they should settle and allow Two and a Half Men to go on. But even though Charlie looks like he'd work for the remnants of an 8-ball found in the gutter and a couple of expired Camel dollars, he says he wants $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus. We're really going to need a bigger CODE 5150 for Charlie.

Here's a few quotes from Charlie's crazy GMA interview. It looks like 2011's Dead Pool just got a new favorite:

On the bad shit he's on: "I am on a drug. It's called CHARLIE SHEEN! Um, it's not available, because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Um. Too much."

On if he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre: "Wouldn't you? I don't have a job. I've got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic."

On people saying he's an anti-Semite and why he calls Chuck Lorre "Chaim Levine": "People that know me... There's nothing about that in my history, anywhere. I would say, um, you know I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't know you were so sensitive. I just thought that after you wailing on me for 8 years that I could take a few shots back. I didn't know you were going to take your little ball and go home and punish everybody in the process."

On if he's willing to take a drug test: "Sure, you've got a cup? I've got nothing to hide."

On how he cured himself of crack addiction: "I've closed my eyes and made it so...with the power of my mind. I had to unload 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don't need that anymore. I know my own truth. The fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it's one size fits all and it didn't fit me. I got tired of it."

On if he filled with insides with booze and crack because of boredom: "No, I did that because they work. They change the way you see things. Change the way you feel. And yeah, when you're a little bit bored with redundancy of certain aspects of your life.. Yeah, I think that's why people do them."

On if he thinks his children will be embarrassed by his behavior when they grow up: "God no. Talk about an education. I mean, this and then that's the guy and he's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth. WOW. Wiiiiiining! That's how you perceive it. "

And during his interview with Today (click here to see that mess), Carlos had a few questions for Chuck Lorre:

1. Chuck, why is it that when I was ready to return to work, you told me there were no scripts ready to shoot. What would we have shot if you did not order the suits into my home to shut down the party?

2. Why is it that you issued a decree informing me that the remaining 8 shows of season 8 had been reduced down to 4? I don't recall getting a vote on this by the way. Stating as well that season 8, our highest rated season to date (most shows are in decline by then and heading towards Will & Grace-ville), was suddenly to halt production two weeks earlier than scheduled? You're the only man that can answer this.

3. When you were told that the crew would suffer gravely as a result of your dictatorial laziness, would you please explain what you meant by your statement: "They are not my problem." I'm sure there's like 120 some odd people who would love to hear the answer to that.

Yup, Charlie is still fucking his perma-soft dick with a fleshlight made of delusions. The Surgeon General should put that on the warning label for the Charlie Sheen drug.

Justin Bieber normally looks like a grown woman posing as a 12-year-old boy decoy in To Catch A Predator, but in Best Buy's Super Bowl commercial he looked like the exact opposite. Hairy beaver alert. Justin perfectly resembled a middle-aged child toucher who smells like gasoline and body odor and shows up to the decoy's house with a bag full of condoms, duct tape, Slim Jims, Spanish Fly and a mix CD of boy band songs. That's definitely the face you'd find staring back at you if you went to investigate the strange rustling noise in the bushes outside of your bedroom window. A face that only mace and the National Sex Offender Registry could love. This is The Lesbeaver's way of proving to all of us that he can successfully star in a one-Bieber production of The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane.

And if Geico ever needs someone to play a caveman inspired by Peter Horton, they know where to find Justin.

Here's the hairless Beaver strolling around with his cougar girlfriend Selena Kay Letourneau in Santa Monica yesterday. For someone who will have to enter the Witness Protection Program in a few months, Selena looks so happy. It's amazing what a publicist's love arrow can do. Girl better be getting a cut of Justin's profits, because she's going to need it to get a face transplant and head lipo so the crazed Beliebers don't recognize her.

If you're feeling brave and have a stake of silver and a vat of holy water nearby, head to La Daily Musto to see terrifying pictures from the 21st birthday party of Nick Gruber, better known as Calvin Klein's ex-porn-star toy. Donna Karan was there! Anna Wintour was there! Alec Baldwin was there (although, you can tell he has no idea where "there" is exactly)! Half of those bitches look like they are hoping that help saw their SOS smoke signal and will drop a rescue ladder so they can get the hell out of that burial vault. And the other half look like they are only there to nibble on the veins of the sacrificial virgin Calvin is serving up in the men's room later on in the night.

And what in shellacked Twinkie hell happened to sweet little Nick Gruber? Calvin siphoned the life out of him through his peen hole and filled him back up with Botox. They look like a Dorian Gray and his portrait candle set.

via Gawker

Does this mean that Madea's Big Happy Family features Madea's first ever drag-on-drag fuck scene, because that poster not only says to me, "stab your eyes out with pieces of broken mirror from your star dressing room," but it also says "lick my tuck." What happened to my sour big drag girl?!

via HitFlix

Lisa Turtle, Zack Morris, AC Slater and Mr. Belding just simultaneously stuck their cell phones in the garbage disposal and turned that shit on, because Screech's financial situation is once again in the caca can and you know he's going to hit them up for a loan. TMZ reports that Diamond Diamond's Den of Dirty Sanchezes is about to be snatched away from him for the third time in just four years. Do you smell that? No, I'm not talking about the rotting scent of your soul slowly dying due to something called the Mondays. I'm talking about the next sex tape that is about to leak out of Screech's asshole.

Wells Fargo has just begun to dance the foreclosure waltz on the front lawn of Dustin Diamond's Wisconsin home, because he owes them nearly $279,000 in mortgage payments. Apparently, Dustin hasn't made a payment since May and so Wells Fargo is coming to collect his house.

Back in 2006, Dustin almost lost his house, so he started selling some stupid t-shirts on his website and later released the worst sex tape ever which featured him smearing his shit butter on some chick's upper lip. So now that Dustin's wallet is empty again, you better believe we're going to get a sequel. And usually, the monsters are scarier and bigger in the sequel.

All of us should just throw a Pamper over our eyes and patiently wait until 2012 swallows us whole, because I don't ever want to see Screech's POOP NOODLE in 3D.

For those of you kinky bitches out there with sick foot fetishes who regularly have wet dreams about licking the hard boils between Mickey Rourke's rubbery toes, these pictures goes out to you!

Chris Evans is playing Captain America, and he put on a pair of Buffalo Bill-approved feet boots to shoot several action scenes in Manchester, England today. Now you know what Madge's podiatrist sees before he removes her skin to rotate the bones in her feet.

Here's more of Chris walking around in his creepy ass prosthetic boots. Just focus on his watermelon arms (which could beat Vinny's dick in a wrestling match) and everything will be okay.

Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey, is going to be on Maury tomorrow and it's not what you think. Danielle isn't on to find out if The Grinch IS or IS NOT her father. No, Danielle is on to perform the pop remix of her song "Real Close" with her partner Lori Michaels.

You know that lady with a poultry phobia on Maury who practically ate through the fake brick walls when he showed her a video of a raw chicken? Well, this is your raw chicken! RUUUUUUN!!!

Is this cover of InTouch Weekly! Even the little one with with a Pottery Barn napkin ring on her head is crying out loud at this mess of a cover. Why oh why did InTouch Weekly feed Teresa Giudice after midnight? This is as if Wes Craven art directed a post on Awkward Family Photos. I blame Danielle Staub.

All back alley pharmacists are lining the streets of Hollywood and the coke dealers can quit the part-time jobs they were forced to take at 7-Elven when Lindsay Lohan went into rehab, because she's baaaaaack! And she is fully recharged! Radar reports that LiLo was released from the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital tonight after serving just 22 days out of her 90 day sentence.

LiLo's doctors suggested to the judge that she be released from rehab early, because they don't think her issues are that serious (aka they are sick of dealing with her ass). Judge Elden Fox agreed and he opened LiLo's cage door. Justice fucking served on the rocks with a sprinkling of crushed Dilaudid on top!

Cut to White Oprah dancing all night, because now that her main ho is out on the stroll she no longer has to pay for her pills with freezer burned Fudgie the Whales:

LiLo will get outpatient treatment indefinitely and a hearing is schedule for tomorrow.

Speaking of getting fucked up like a Lohan out of rehab, we should all pour anything mind-altering into our kombucha tea to deal with all the interviews that will follow. Every single Lohan is going to spill their delusions to any bitch who waves a cashiers check in their face. Seriously, I heard that Nana Lohan has already given a tell-all interview to the LI PennySaver.