I'm Scared

A few weeks ago, Tila Malt Liquor announced that she was knocked up with her brother and his wife's fetus. A quick second later, Tila took it all back and said she was "trying" to get pregnant but wasn't yet. Well, it looks like Tila 40oz is pregnant with another WOLF.

Tila MD-2o crawled up to her booster seat, hit her CAPS-LOCK key and pounded out this message on her blog last night:

THE BIG NEWS EVERYONE: TILA TEQUILA IS OFFICALLY PREGNANT, 100% CONFIRMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & THIS BABY WAS NO "ACCIDENT" EITHER!!!!!!!!

IT IS A TRULY TOUCHING STORY THAT I WILL TELL YOU ONE DAY......BUT I GOT PREGNANT FOR CASEY! BECAUSE SHE WATED TO START A FAMILY AND SINCE SHE ALREADY HAD AN ADOPTED DAUGHTER, SHE WANTED ME TO BECOME THE PREGNANT ONE!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOW THAT SHE IS GONE.... A NEW LIFE IS BORN AND I KNOW HER SPIRITS ARE IN MY BEAUTIFUL MIRACLE BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW! I AM SO HAPPY! MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE BIGTIME! I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER AND I CANNOT WAIT! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT FOR SUCH A LONG TIME! AND NOW, MY BABY JAYDEN, HAS FINALLY COME BACK TO MOMMY!

NEVER FEAR THO, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I STILL WON'T HAVE A LOUD MOUTH BUSTIN A CAP ON BITCHES WHO TALK SHIT ABOUT ME! LMAO....I WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME GIRL....THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS NOW....I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY AND WILL BE A FANTASTIC MOTHER! AS FAR AS TILA TEQUILA, OH DON'T WORRY, SHE WILL STILL BE AROUND TO MAKE YOU LAUGH AND DO CRAZY THINGS...BUT WOW I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST TOLD THE WORLD MY SECRET!!!!!!!! TILA TEQUILA IS PREGNANT! I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS BUT LETS TAKE IT SLOW HERE. I DONT WANT TO GET OVERWHELMED NOR EXPLOIT MY CHILD AND WHO THE FATHERS CHILD IS. FOR NOW, I AM PREGNANT AND THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD! YOU TOOK AWAY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, BUT GAVE ME SOMETHING EVEN BETTER, A NEW LIFE THAT I BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD!!! THANK YOU!

Kanye West is down at the courts right now filing a copyright infringement lawsuit against Tila. And he's also trying to get a restraining order on behalf of her CAPS LOCK key. CAPS LOCK ABUSE!

TMZ is hearing that Tila has ultrasound scans to prove that she's really pregnant this time. Tila has put the scans on the auction block and will sell them to the highest bidder.

Fuck the ultrasound scans! Let's gaze into the crystal ball to see footage from the actual birth of Tila's miracle baby:

Daniel Edwards, the evil artiste who brought us such terrifying works of art like St. Angie Breastfeeding and Brit Brit Humping On A Dead Bear, has once again used the holy one as inspiration. Daniel's latest work is called "Brangelina Forever." More like Barfalotta Forever.

Daniel worked on the piece with fellow artist Xvala. It is currently being showcased in a 4,000 square foot home in Oklahoma City called "The Brangelina." The home was designed by Xvala.

Xvala has installed the sculpture in the ceiling of the master bedroom to inspire "sexual healing for the room's occupants."

Xvala is the grand dame of Brangaloonies, because the statute is embedded with crushed glass containing Brad and Angie's DNA obtained from wine glasses from which they drank while reportedly celebrating the anniversary of their first meeting on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Xvala and his publicist released this statement, which might make you want to crawl back into bed and bawl for our future: "The 'Brangelina' sculpture is destined to exist forever, the way Brad and Angie's relationship will persist in peoples' memories. Theirs is the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton romance of our time. I believe every home in America should become an 'honorary home' to our Superstars, in order to connect celebrities and regular people in spirit."

Xvala must be closely related to Xenu, because this bitch is the epitome of FUCKED UP CRAZY! For the sake of his friends and family, I hope this trick is just telling jokes. When you outdo Twitards, it's time to retreat to the nearest padded room.

When was the last time Brad Pitt looked like that?! If they were going to do this, they could've at least made it more realistic. Xvala should've pulled a grandma off the street, shaved her muff off, dipped it in holy water and then pasted it on Brad's chin. And why did that Disney Princess Bird eat St. Angie's nipples off?

You know every Brangaloonie is going to Photoshop their head onto that bird's body and send this out as their Christmas card. If you get one in the mail, burn it immediately! That shit might be contagious.

Ten years ago, I would've put a kitten in a headlock to see a movie starring Sheneneh Jenkins from Martin and Waaaaanda Waaaanda from In Living Color. But now that my dreams circa 1999 are coming true, I'm not sure whether to bust out a soul orgasm or shake my head like an abuelita who is about to attack. Oh, who am I fooling? My nipple mouths are singing, "Oh mah guuuuudniss." I've been waiting for this and I didn't even know it.

Variety (via Coming Soon) says that Jamie Foxx and Martin Lawrence will tuck and pucker up in Sheneneh and Wanda, a comedy starring the female characters they both developed during their stand-up days. Jamie Foxx will write the script. What's shocking is that this is not a Tyler Perry Production.

At the BET Awards, Sheneneh and Wanda joined forces to shoot a fake trailer for a movie called Skank Robbers (not based on Lindsay Lohan's life). The parody brought the laughs, so they decided to turn it into a full-length feature film.

And Skank Robbers could also go by the title "Eddie Murphy's favorite jack-off material."

I didn't even have to blink twice before figuring out who Cojo dressed up as to Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night. When my dog ran out of the room screaming, I knew that only one beast could instill that kind of fear into small furry animals: KHLOE KARDASHIAN!!!!!!

Cojo makes a better Khloe Kardashian than Khloe Kardashian does. And he nailed that "hongray for woodland creatures" look in his eye. It's so real! You're expecting him to yank that veil off, howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness. Just like the real Khloe.

Although, my only criticism is that he could've used more arm and upper lip hair for authenticity. Other than that, Cojo triumphed as Khloe. You know Lamar Odom will be busting into face seizures all day from jacking off to these pictures like maniac. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it off with Khloe and proposes to KhloJo instead.

I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood had a prostitot Halloween section? An ensemble like this was only meant to be worn while Bret Michaels tells you that your tour ends here. It was not meant to be worn by a 9-year-old girl! When is that time machine going to be ready so it take us back to the time where 9 year-olds dressed like spooky goblins, bacon-eating robots, and lumpy pumpkins?

Here's Noah Cyrus and her friend at Jamie Lee Curtis' Halloween party yesterday dressed like....like...I don't even know. And you know, I don't want to know either! Let's not skip down that road, because Chris Hansen will probably be waiting at the end.

When Noah and her friend showed up to the party, everyone probably called it a day. They did not want to end up on some government list.

We've had a good run, but I think we should all be thrown in a convent. It's Billy Ray's fault.

Just so you know that the theme of the party wasn't "Vh1 reality stars," I threw in some pictures of Jamie Lee (as Mother Nature), the Sprouse Twins (as Brad Pitt and Shiloh) and Daryl Hannah (as your office manager on Halloween).

And Donatella Versace was born minutes after LiLo. Ugh. When you're 23-years-old and you make 305-year-old zombie vampire Donatella Versace looks like a newly sprung spring dandelion basking in the morning sun, it's time to retreat to the nearest oxygen tank to take a much-needed NAP! Don't get me wrong, Donatella still looks like she'd eat your brain right out of your skull with a gold-plated spork, but LiLo looks like she'd use your brains to cut her coke with. And do you really want your brains partaking in illegal activities? That was a trick question.

LiLo just needs to start all over again. Maybe when Michelle Duggar finishes birthing her ten millionth baby, she'll let LiLo crawl up in her womb and get some nourishment.

Here's more of LiLo and Donatella trading diet, tanning, beauty and drug tips at the Whitney Museum's Gala in NYC last night. Yeah, two creatures who look like they escaped from an exhibit at the Natural History Museum partying it up at the Whitney. WILD!

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

On Oprah tomorrow, Mackenzie Phillips is supposed to drop an OMGWTFIDIEWHYWHY family secret. Well, the secret is out and it is definitely all sorts of fucked up. You might want to clear your throat and wash your eyes out with holy water before, after and during.

In her new tell-all book High on Arrival, Mackenzie says that she had sex with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. California Nightmarin'!!!!!!!!!!!

49-year-old Mackenzie said that she would do the bad shit with her father all the time. In fact, John, who died in 2001, shot Mackenzie up with heroin for the first time. And on the night before her wedding to Jeff Sessler in 1979, her dad tried to stop her from marrying his ass. Mackenzie writes, "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed. My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout."

The following year continued to be a fucked up time for Mackenzie. She was fired from One Day at a Time for being addicted to the bad shit and she went to rehab with her father. Mackenzie says their sexual relationship became "consensual." She went on to write, "I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me. One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we're going to hell for this."

If this isn't an anti-drug ad, I don't know what is. But Mackenzie said that we shouldn't "hate" her father for this. Too late. According to Mackenzie, the dude introduced her to heroin and forced/manipulated her into a sexual relationship with him. So not only is this an anti-drug ad, but it's an anti-John Phillips ad too.

What would Schneider say?!?!

VIA People

No, this is not a still from the Fatal Attraction remake starring Seabiscuit's great great granddaughter. Although, I'd rather see that shit than a SATC sequel.

Here's Sarah Jessica Parker channeling her inner "Alex Forrest" on the set of Sex and the City 2: Don't Look A Gift Horse in the Mouth in NYC yesterday. By the looks of these pictures, SJP is shooting some kind of flashback scene, which means she's supposed to be 25 years younger.

Methinks we're going to be seeing the ladies running around in outfits from T.J. Maxx and sipping on Strawberry Hill-tinis (delicious), because most of the movie's budget is being used on some CGI shit. Industrial Light & Magic, Carrie Bradshaw is on line 2!

Am I having some kind of acid flashback, because I don't even know what I'm looking at. Slap me or stick an ice cube up my ass, because this does not feel like real life! Stacy Haiduk, who plays Mary Jane on The Young and the Restless, brought this puss purse as her date to the Daytime Emmy Awards tonight in L.A.. Don't worry, she kept a little bag of Tender Vittles up her ass to feed her cat later. FUCKERY!

I'm guessing that this is just a stuffed animal (the toy kind) bag and not an actual taxirdermy cat, because if that was the case PETA would be on this bitch like crabs on Parasite Hilton. PETA wouldn't throw a bag of flour on her like they did with LiLo, they'd throw an entire wheat field on this bitch! They wouldn't cover her in just a little paint, they would drop an entire Glidden factory on her head!

Stacy is all sorts of wrong for bringing her creepy purssy out in public! This piece of horrific fuckery should be kept at home.....in a trunk....a padlocked trunk. And I'm no Sylvia Browne, but I'm going to predict that we will all have the same star of our nightmares tonight: THIS PUSS PURSE! It's eyes are alive and it's gonna git you!

UPDATE: Thanks to zoohouse3 for letting my ass know that Stacy's character on the show is a Crazy McCrazy who thinks her dead cat is a real one. The stuffed cat she brought to the Emmys tonight is also the one she uses on the show. Stacy still needs to keep her creepy purssy in the studio! The children are crying!