Photoshop Awards

They tell me this is Shakira, but it looks more like something you get when you rub Brit Brit and Sasha Fierce together. Actually, I think when you rub those two together you get pork grease, condensed labia leche and bronzer.

Shakira took a crash course in "How To Ho It Up To Sell Records" and I'm all for it. If the video is anything like this single cover then I can't wait to see what the glittery gays of YouTube are going to do with it. They better have an ice pack on their nuts right now, because their tuck game will have to be on point.

VIA ONTD

What in the Donnie Darko tranny candle Hell is this?! Seriously, if you put a pair of tinfoil bunny ears on a brand new candle, it would look more like a human being than this. Maybe they wanted Vadge to look like she belongs in a pink box on the shelf of a Toys 'R Us? And fingers really shouldn't look like tiny plastic uncut dicks.

VIA The Frisky

When is Mimi going to break open her giant Hello Kitty piggy bank and buy a shit load of stock in Adobe? Nobody loves Photoshop the way Mimi does. Photoshop should pay homage to their #1 client by renaming themselves MimiShop. It's the least they can do.

If Adobe ever went out of business, Mimi's rainbow ass would melt down into a puddle liquefied Skittles.

This is the cover for Mimi's new album "Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel....Who Becomes Perfect Thanks To Photoshop." Mimi explained the cover of Twitter: "The reason I chose to use 3 images for the cover is cos there are a lot of different emotions and stories revealed on this album. I knew..."

Um. Her face is giving me the same emotion in all three pictures: "I have the farts." However, her Hello Titties are delivering in the raw emotion department. In picture one they are saying to each other: "I loves you." In picture two they are saying: "Hmmm...I'm kind of mad at you." In picture three they are saying: "I HATE YOU!"

VIA MariahDaily

Last week, Melissa Joan Hart prayed a million times that Farrah Fawcett would not go off to heaven. And not because the earth would be without one more angel, but because she wanted to be on the cover of People Magazine so desperately. Thoughts like that should be saved for your conversations with Satan.

Page Six says that while promoting her candy store at KTLA's studios in Los Angeles, Melissa Joan Hart was overheard telling someone off-camera that she hoped Farrah wouldn't die, so she could stay on the cover of the magazine. Farrah's death would've knocked off her off.

Melissa should have worried less about Farrah and more about what the Photoshop artistes would do to her. Maybe if she did that, she wouldn't have a serious case of the jaggeds and her hair wouldn't look like Kim Zolciak's winter merkin.

Posh Beckham was at Macy's in NYC today to unveil this 20-foot tall picture that will terrorize the store. After looking at it, I'm thinking Posh has a lot of calls to return later today....

A starving marmoset called, it wants its face back.
Two wrecking cranes called, they want their steel balls back.
A science lab skeleton called, it wants its toroso back.
Double Trouble called, she wants her whipping tail back.
And finally, food called, its wondering when Posh is going to stop by for a visit. It misses her.

Again, I repeat, Vanity FAIR. More like Vanity FAIL. The hos at Vanity Fair must all have squeaky clean asses, because Papa Joe probably had to lick every last one of them off in order to get his little froglet on the cover. And IN THIS ECONOMY, I'm surprised Vanity Fair took Jessica Simpson on. How many copies of Photoshop, how many pairs of Spanx and how many gallons of liquid foundation did it take to put this mess together? Not since the Pyramids were built....

I mean, homegirl is pinched, sucked and airbrushed to DEATH. They probably had to have an oxygen tank on the set, because Jess couldn't fucking breath. And by "oxygen tank," I mean Papa Joe's mouth. Ugh.

The article that goes along with these works of Photoshop art is kind of hilarious. The dude says shit like:

"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?"

And he adds:

"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."

WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?! Jenilee has more talent in her bunion than the entire Simpson family combined! I mean, did he ever witness her genius as Jamie Ewing in Dallas?! He needs to issue an apology and eat his fingers.

You can read the entire interview at VF. I can't wait to see who July's cover ho will be. I'm thinking either Heidi Montag or the skank with the pussy on her face from For Love of Ray J.

Eva Longwhoria needs to go lie down, because obviously she's suffering from delusion of the brains and needs rest. There's a comfy hole in the ground somewhere with her name on it. But seriously, we have an epidemic on our hands, people! First it was JLove and now it's this trick! These raggedy ass tramps need to drink a hot cup of BITCH, PLEASE, because they do not have what it takes to fill Audrey Hepburn's tiara. Only one ho on this planet does and that ho is international supermodel and fashion chameleon Phoebe Price (what have I done?!).

Eva Longwhoria defamed Audrey's good image by dressing as her for People en Espanol's Most Beautiful People issue. This bitch is more like Audrey Heartburn. Hmm. That didn't work. Audrey Hefferburn? I have to work on that one.

In the meantime, go on over to Ohlala to see other Latin celebrities dressed as classic movie characters including Ricky Martin who looks like he wants to lick an ass.

(Thanks Dr. J)

Once again, Peta has confirmed that they will put any bottom of the barrel ho on one of their ads. This time, it's Ceiling Eyes from The Hills and the Photoshop artists magically moved her eyes to the side, so it doesn't look like she's trying to stare at her forehead to see if her brain has come back yet. Ceiling Eyes is not Ceiling Eyes if she's not looking at the ceiling. Durr.

This ad kind of doesn't work, because everyone knows that when an Audrina Patridge gets her wings, a puppy dies.

More like "Are you trying to make us barf through our eye sockets, Ms. Rinna?" I really wish Playboy made this a SANS FARDS issue. And by "fards," I mean farty turds, because then 45-year-old Lisa Rinna would never have been allowed to be on this cover.

This cover is like the scary basement door in a horror movie. You know that when you open up it, you will be violated to the point that your organs will shrivel up and die, but you can't help yourself. You want to know if the hemorrhoid lips match. Put some Prep H on it, please! I can't... I really can't...

(Thanks Ted in LA)

I realize that XXL wanted to make Eminem as The Punisher as menacing as possible, but I feel like I need to file a restraining order against this cover. Bitch has "I'm gonna butt rape you" eyes. Couldn't they have used the "kittens and rainbows" tool over his mug, so he looks less like he wants to rip a bitch's cheek off with his teeth.

After this picture was taken, the tattoo of his little girl started crying, because she was scared too.