Photoshop Awards

If a color blind 11-year-old Little Monster used Photoshop 1 on the half broken first generation Mac in his parent's garage to make a fan made poster for Lady CaCa's "Born This Way Ball" Tour, it would look a lot hotter than the "side of a van" shit THIS BITCH came up with. This is like something out of Lisa Frank's New Wave period and I do not appreciate.

There's really no safe place but the pink triangle for my eyeballs to land. That floating alien CaCa head is making the Three Wolf Moon wish they were mute and that castle is a direct threat to my childhood since it's reminding me of Castle Grayskull. If CaCa wanted to out-fug her "Born This Way" album cover, she didn't need to bring He-Man or the Three Wolf Moon into it.

via Twitter (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

And thy name is Nate Naylor.

I really hope that you have an eyeball on your chin so that you can read all about our modern day Adonis as you lick his picture. This perfect human man (not my words) is currently blessing Scarlett Johansson's double Mount Olympus chichis with his natural beauty and so People put up their magnifying glass to him to find out who he really is. It reads like a press release about him, written by him and he should really start a second career in writing Match.com profiles. Nate Naylor (pronounced: Nate Nail Her) is in the business of overselling shit (surprise, surprise) and works as an advertising executive in NYC.

Nate has a NSFWish Tumblr, dated Kristen Johnston for a quick minute, is an Arizona native and is so beautiful in person that looking at him is like looking at a unicorn made of marijuana dancing on top of a double rainbow over an In-N-Out. Basically, Nate always keeps fresh silk hankies in his pocket, because you will weep like it's the first time you've wept when you see his face up close.

This is the second fact from People's "What You Need To Know About Nate Naylor" list and it's the only thing you need to know about Nate Naylor:

2. He gets high praise from friends – for his work and looks

Naylor "is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person," says fellow freelance creative director Lawson Clarke, who is known in the ad world as Male Copywriter. "He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." But Naylor's not just another pretty face. "Bottom line is Nate's a great guy and really respected in the industry," adds Clarke, who has worked with Naylor multiple times. "Scarlett should be so lucky."

"Nate Naylor is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person." - Lawson Clarke

"He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." - Lawson Clarke

Nate Naylor should get both of those quotes tattooed on his ass and forehead, because those words will close all deals. I swear, Lawson Clarke is the greatest dick puller ever. Now I'm not saying that Nate Naylor ain't hot (because I'd hit it, duh), but I am saying that Lawson Clarke has only seen three men in person and the other two were Brian Peppers and Mimi in drag. So he's not lying.

At this point, any pictures of Madge are no longer eligible for a Photoshop Award, because the skin on her face is Photoshopped in real life since its pores have been filled with wax and it gets its manufactured youthful glow from daily injections of rare fetus sperm. So even though nothing on this vowel-hating album cover was made from nature, it doesn't count!

Before my dad became allergic to mailing child support checks and dropped off the face of my life, I used to stay at his apartment in West Coveeeeeena once or twice a month. In the bathroom next to the couch I slept on, he had this 70s glass shower door that looked like that cover above. It was beveled and shit. It was kind of a horror show, because I could barely make out what was on the other side. So if Psycho took place in my dad's apartment (if you met my stepmother at the time, you'd agree that it very well could have) and the killer had an Express Yourself-era Madonna face, this cover is what you'd see right before she opened the door and thrust her memaw crotch sending your soul scurrying down the drain.

Even though this cover looks like a flyer for an after-hours club that someone taped over one of the urinals in the bathroom of a gay bar, I don't hate it. If it was a flyer, I'd even use it to floss the pubes out of my teefs.

A natural reaction to this new promo picture for Beyonce's last album is:

Because that looks like Beyonce as much as this pasty fat blob of depressing feelings over my stomach looks like Serena Williams' 10-pack. But some bitches aren't mad because the "Harpo, who dis woman?" Photoshop tool was abused during the making of this picture. They're mad because they say Beyonce was whitewashed AGAIN. Over three years ago, L'Oreal was accused of giving Beyonce whiteface filipinoface and now the #1 newspaper in Fuckeryville, The Daily Mail, says she might be at it again. They brought out some comments from 2008 that a writer for the Daily Mail made about how Beyonce is bad for Black and Asian girls:

"Too many black and Asian children grow up understanding the sad truth that to have dark skin is to be somehow inferior. Of course, black and Asian parents work hard to give their children a positive self-image and confidence in their appearance, despite the cultural forces stacked against them. But when black celebrities appear to deny their heritage by trying to make themselves look white, I despair for the youngsters who see those images."

But the DM also spoke to some "expert" who said that Beyonce's lighter skin color in the picture above could be from bright lights on her face and shit. To me, that's exactly what's going on here. It's just a light! Specifically, it's just Beyonce glowing inside from the illuminated seed of infinite light that Jay-Z jizzed into her. Either that or Beyonce was too busy shopping for South American baby ovens at the time of this photo shoot and so she asked my Cuban friend Armando to do his best Kylie Minogue drag for this picture.

(New York GIF via RealityTVGifs)

On the left is a Photoshop artiste's rendering of Lil' Kim Jong-Il, and on the right is a hot bitch who pretty much knows it won this battle without even clenching its anal glands and moving its paw. Kim tried to win this shit by getting a ho to Photoshop her arms until they looked like two twigs harvesting skunk testicles on them. (Seriously, Kim's arms are what a dick looks like when it does ass sex with a Kardashian before her daily crack wax and dingle cleanse.) But the poodle truly knows how to wear pube puffs on its limbs. Therefore, the poodle wins (like you didn't already know).

And in case you a need a reminder on Photoshop's talent at turning fuckery into mega fuckery, here's the full promo tease from Kim's new album:

Bitch looks like a Barbie that became a new home to a family of woolly bear caterpillars after it was left out in the backyard. Kim even has that "forgotten Barbie" look about her. But I shouldn't hate, because I'm sure PayPal is tripling up their server since it's obvious that Kim's new album is going to top the PayPal charts!

Because the high-pitched fear screams from her boy toy lying in the crib cage next to her bed keeps her up at night, the only way Madge can slip into a sleep coma is if she rests her head on a silk pillow case with a picture of what she loves most on it: HERSELF! That must have been the inspiration for her perfume ad, because bitch looks like she's taking a nap on herself. (Or maybe my eyes are telling me that it looks like she's yanking her own pussy skin. I don't know.) The picture for this mess of an ad was taken from a spread she did for Interview Magazine last year, but Photoshop still bled to touch it up. Aren't there anti-Photoshop laws now? Shouldn't this ad look more like this:

You know, like her Super Bowl ad. Since Madge named her stank water after Truth or Dare, she could've at least used the best part from that movie in her ad:

via E! Online

The offices of Vanity Fair España must have been sucked into a time warp and shoved into the raw asshole of 2004 while they were doing their January issue, because why in SANTO DIOS fuckery hell would they put this vapid relic of skank trash on their cover? Parasite Hilton shouldn't have been on the cover in 2004, and she really shouldn't be on that shit now. Was nobody else available? Paz Vega's dog walker? Pedro Almodovar's nipple hair dandruff? The assistant to the royal groomer who prunes the ethereal dandelion bush on the Duchess of Alba's head? A homeless man who barfed on Javier Bardem's shoes once? Any of those should've been on the cover before this wax dildo in a weave. But you know, I'm not even sure that is Wonky. It could be an alien lizard wearing a mannequin's torn off face.

And do you blame that poor dog for wondering if there's enough coffee in that cup for it drown itself in? It's either that or face the doggy death closet of doom.

via HuffPo (Thanks, Glasgow!)

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

Lindsay Lohan and Playboy jumped Marilyn Monroe's image in a back alley and all of the pictures from that tragic event have already leaked a week before they're supposed to come out. You can get it (NSFW) here, here, and here. It's way beyond Photoshop. It's a blond Pete Burns painted in velvet. If the Chinese guy at my deli, splattered himself in orange paint and threw a dusty white wig on his head, he'd look more like Lindsay Lohan than Lindsay Lohan does. Those pool noodle lips (the ones on her face) looked better on the Rocky Horror Picture Show poster.

As WOW Report said, "It's Amanda Lepore!" Well, Amanda Lepore with disappearing nipple plates.

(Thanks to Chelsea and Jonathan)

Lindsay Lohan will unveil her nappy dugout (as shot by Playboy) on Ellen a week from tomorrow, but somebody has already leaked the cover. The way they took that picture makes it look like they're about to do a line of the wrong stuff off of it, which weirdly enough is what most Lohans will use their copy for. "Baby, I think I just snorted your nipple up! Hehehee!" is going to come out of the mouth of a Lohan more times than it should this holiday season. Cover your ears, Nana Lohan.

And let's all bow our heads to mourn the computers that gave their lives to Photoshop this cover.

via ONTD