Dita Von Teese
The New York Post says that for the past few months, Russell Crowe and Dita Von Teese have been flirting with each other on Twitter (Side whisper to Russell Crowe: Your ass is way too seasoned to be flirting on Twitter.) and he's re-tweeted some of her sexier (for lack of a better word) tweets. After doing hours of research on Twitter (read: five seconds of research on Twitter), I couldn't find any of Dita's tweets that Russell re-tweeted, but I did find a tweet where he linked her Enigma knock-off of a music video. Watch it on mute if you need to watch it. Anyway, some source says that Russell and Dita aren't just flirting on Twitter, he's also ripped off her garter belt with his teeth a few times.
Russell broke up with his wife of 9 years last October and has been dipping into semi-famous coochie after semi-famous coochie since then. Russell supposedly did it with Billy Joel's ex-wife Katie Lee (he denied it) and now he's apparently getting it on with Marilyn Manson's ex-wife. The Post's source says that last month, Dita and Russell stayed at the Four Seasons in Manhattan together and even got a couple's massage at 6:30 am.
There's really nothing more romantic than lying to next Russell Crowe as a massage therapist sprinkles flour on him and kneads his body into a ball. But seriously, this was probably just a quick fuck for the both of them. Russell just couldn't go through life without knowing what it's like for Dita Von Teese to smear her baby powder make-up all over his man titties while motorboating him. And Dita hopped on Russell's bloated slug dick, because she's still trying to scrub the Marilyn Manson out of her twat.
Dita Von Teese can't physically grow body hair since all of her follicles died years ago when she had her skin replaced with layers of porcelain, but she's still out there telling you what you should do with your body hair. Dita has a beauty book coming out and she talked a little about it with Into The Gloss (via HuffPo). Dita's beauty book will include tips on beauty crap you shouldn't do around your dude and she also recommends keeping your nipples as smooth as your pussy:
"My beauty book is going to be totally different from what’s out there. I’m going to tell you that you have to pluck the nipple hairs off your nipples before a date—I’m here to tell you that."
Excuse you, Heather Sweet. You don't HAVE to pluck a nipple hair off before a date. Sometimes nipple hairs come in handy. What if you and your piece just had a romantic steak dinner? What if he got meat chunks stuck between his teeth and needed to get that crap out? If you have a long nipple hair, he can use it to floss the shit out of his teeth and he can give you a quick tingle by licking your nipple knob at the same time. The same goes for b-hole hairs. Nipple hairs lead to fun AND they're fully functional. A nipple hair is nature's floss.
It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.
Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.
Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.
A little over a week ago, Lenny Kravitz turned SoHo into StrutHo when he stepped out in leather wedge boots that set fire to the cobblestones which caused a cloud of fabuousness to envelope the neighborhood. Basically, Lenny Kravitz was dressed like an elite member of Grace Jones' national army, but at the Lanvin show today his look was straight up off of SamRo's bedroom floor. Nonetheless, it's still a "wrassle up some pussy" outfit.
And just when I was about to once again give Dita Von Teese another award for excellence for eyebrow-ing at the highest degree, I come across this "hit the brakes" beauty:
While Dita's brows scream in your eyes and cover your retinas with black dust, this beauty's brows softly whisper into them. It's as if a centaur gently scooted across her brow area. Okay, okay, Dita still wins, but this goddess is a close second.
Here's more of Lenny, Dita and Janet Jackson with her billionaire piece at the Lanvin show in Paris today.
At last night's Art of Elyslum's charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the "Prostitution Whore Special" in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you'll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.
Kat's eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has "I Can Haz" face.
Here's more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.
When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!
I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.
But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.
Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.
The goth tequila worm nobody wants to swallow has been calling the original Dita Von Teese on the phone to try and get her baby powder-covered ass on his face again. Marilyn must have gotten tired from trying to clone her a million times, so he just figured he should go back to the first.
However, Dita is not interested, because she's too busy putting some frequent-flier miles on her vag. Dita said, "He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, 'I made a big mistake'. And I'm like, 'Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.' Right now I’ve got three (men). They're all in different parts of the world... That's my biggest sin - juggling men."
Marilyn, stick your limp lechees into a tub of Crisco and forget about Dita, because she doesn't want it. She had the dick, it was sour, the after-taste is finally gone and now she's moving the fuck on.
And I really must stand up and perform the dick-slappy dance in Dita's honor. This bitch is doing it right. She's taking that pussy international! Eff Marilyn and fuck an Asian, French, Middle Eastern, African, Australian, English, Swedish, South American, Russian and Antarctican dude instead.
Does Dita Von Teese ever dress down? Like ever? Don't get me wrong. I think everyone should just like "Joan Crawford going to a weekday funeral" every single day. But does Dita ever say to herself, "Fuckitall. I'm wearing caca-stained sweats and a torn t-shirt from a car dealership to go work out." This takes effort. She doesn't even de-glam when she's actually working out. There's enough hairspray and make-up there to keep a million Barbie Styling Heads happy.
I also find it kind of funny that she does Pilates. They didn't really do that shit in the olden days, right? They did Calisthenics, hula hooping, jump rope and medicine ball chasing. Shit like that.
They even used a vibrating belt machine or spent a few hours sitting in a sweat box like Lucy did on I Love Lucy. I don't think Pilates was part of their daily shit.
That being said, Dita is hot for being so dedicated to maintaining the glamour.
Let's compare Katie Price's and Dita Von Teese's Playboy covers, shall we? Dita's is actually pretty classy for Playboy. I could have a cup of tea with it. Pinky up, legs crossed and all. Katie's however looks like it belongs in the dirty escort section of L.A. Weekly. We should all be wearing condoms while looking at it.
Well, Katie disagrees with me and thinks Dita's cover is gross. She told OK! (via The Sun) that she's ready to bare her mangled titty balls for Playboy again. She said, "I'd love to do Playboy. Although I just saw Dita Von Teese's cover and it's crap. The woman is rank. It's not my cup of tea that she's so pale. I think the pictures look a bit Readers' Wives. It didn't look like Playboy to me."
Dita should take this as a compliment. If Katie thinks you're hot, it probably means that your skin looks like its covered in dried caca and you have Tupperware bowl for breasts. One of Dita's cooch berries is a million times sexier than Katie Price's whole body. Sorry for the visual, but it's true.
It must be nice to be Dita Von Teese. You can sort of get away with wearing an extra homo top hat out in public. I want to wear one, but I wouldn't make it halfway down the street without getting into several bitch slap fights with lil' top hat haters. Besides, I would probably look like Mr. Peanut's pre-op son that nobody ever talks about.
Dita wore this shit to some Patrick Demarchelier party in Paris last night. I'm pretty convinced that Dita is going to outlive us all. She's some kind of super vampire who can function in the daylight. In 200 years, her and Larry King will be chilling out with the aliens and Parasite Hilton's mutant crabs.
Here's more of the ancient artifact in Paris last night. Lenny Kravitz also graced the event with his hotness, but he totally looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy transported to 1990s Seattle. I also threw in a few pictures of the po' man's Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry.