Dita Von Teese

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

The goth tequila worm nobody wants to swallow has been calling the original Dita Von Teese on the phone to try and get her baby powder-covered ass on his face again. Marilyn must have gotten tired from trying to clone her a million times, so he just figured he should go back to the first.

However, Dita is not interested, because she's too busy putting some frequent-flier miles on her vag. Dita said, "He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, 'I made a big mistake'. And I'm like, 'Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.' Right now I’ve got three (men). They're all in different parts of the world... That's my biggest sin - juggling men."

Marilyn, stick your limp lechees into a tub of Crisco and forget about Dita, because she doesn't want it. She had the dick, it was sour, the after-taste is finally gone and now she's moving the fuck on.

And I really must stand up and perform the dick-slappy dance in Dita's honor. This bitch is doing it right. She's taking that pussy international! Eff Marilyn and fuck an Asian, French, Middle Eastern, African, Australian, English, Swedish, South American, Russian and Antarctican dude instead.

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Does Dita Von Teese ever dress down? Like ever? Don't get me wrong. I think everyone should just like "Joan Crawford going to a weekday funeral" every single day. But does Dita ever say to herself, "Fuckitall. I'm wearing caca-stained sweats and a torn t-shirt from a car dealership to go work out." This takes effort. She doesn't even de-glam when she's actually working out. There's enough hairspray and make-up there to keep a million Barbie Styling Heads happy.

I also find it kind of funny that she does Pilates. They didn't really do that shit in the olden days, right? They did Calisthenics, hula hooping, jump rope and medicine ball chasing. Shit like that.
They even used a vibrating belt machine or spent a few hours sitting in a sweat box like Lucy did on I Love Lucy. I don't think Pilates was part of their daily shit.

That being said, Dita is hot for being so dedicated to maintaining the glamour.

Let's compare Katie Price's and Dita Von Teese's Playboy covers, shall we? Dita's is actually pretty classy for Playboy. I could have a cup of tea with it. Pinky up, legs crossed and all. Katie's however looks like it belongs in the dirty escort section of L.A. Weekly. We should all be wearing condoms while looking at it.

Well, Katie disagrees with me and thinks Dita's cover is gross. She told OK! (via The Sun) that she's ready to bare her mangled titty balls for Playboy again. She said, "I'd love to do Playboy. Although I just saw Dita Von Teese's cover and it's crap. The woman is rank. It's not my cup of tea that she's so pale. I think the pictures look a bit Readers' Wives. It didn't look like Playboy to me."

Dita should take this as a compliment. If Katie thinks you're hot, it probably means that your skin looks like its covered in dried caca and you have Tupperware bowl for breasts. One of Dita's cooch berries is a million times sexier than Katie Price's whole body. Sorry for the visual, but it's true.

It must be nice to be Dita Von Teese. You can sort of get away with wearing an extra homo top hat out in public. I want to wear one, but I wouldn't make it halfway down the street without getting into several bitch slap fights with lil' top hat haters. Besides, I would probably look like Mr. Peanut's pre-op son that nobody ever talks about.

Dita wore this shit to some Patrick Demarchelier party in Paris last night. I'm pretty convinced that Dita is going to outlive us all. She's some kind of super vampire who can function in the daylight. In 200 years, her and Larry King will be chilling out with the aliens and Parasite Hilton's mutant crabs.

Here's more of the ancient artifact in Paris last night. Lenny Kravitz also graced the event with his hotness, but he totally looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy transported to 1990s Seattle. I also threw in a few pictures of the po' man's Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry.

Dita Von Teese launched her new line of brassieres(I bet she totally calls them that) and other lingerie items for Wonderbra in London today. That was nice of Aretha Franklin to lend Dita one of her old bras for her to sit on during the presentation.

Every time I see a picture of Dita, I get an intense craving for candy. The woman looks like she's made purely out of sugar. Her skin is like fluff, her hair and eyebrows are made of black licorice and her lips are covered in candy apple coating. Delicious. Now I really want something sugary. I don't have anything sweet in the house. I know. That should be illegal. I'll have to settle for a cup of sugar water. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

And I'd eat a whole bag of frozen peas just to see a makeupless Dita in some Juicy sweats and an oversized sweatshirt with her hair in a banana clip. That's probably how she hangs out at home. I mean, looking like that takes so much fucking work.

Here's more pictures of Dita at her titty holder launch today. You know there's a problem when your itty-bitty waist makes a skinny model look like a fat fuck. I can hear her ribs crying out in pain.

Phoebe Price should really consider moving to Cannes. They adore her there! They photograph her chicken cutlets every hour of the day. I'm not even posting half of the pictures they take of her. They can't get enough of her! The French must love poultry.

PP crashed show up to another Angelina Jolie premiere at Cannes today. She already attended the Kung Fu Panda premiere last week. You know she totally swiped Angie's itinerary. Well, PP is the next Angelina Jolie, so she's just training for her inevitable future by following Angie around. Angie better watch her man. No man can resist the warm and salty taste of chicken cutlets.

And PP kept flashing two fingers to the paps while on the red carpet. Is she trying to do a peace sign? It looks more like she's about to stick her tongue in between the V and make the "licking coochie" gesture. She's directing that towards Angie. No woman can resist the warm and salty taste of chicken cutlets either.

Anyway, the poor fools that had to share the red carpet with PP during tonight's "Changeling" premiere included Victoria Silvstedt, Sharon Stone and Dita Von Teese. Their beauty pales in comparison to the radiance of Phoebe Price!

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese's outfit or else! If she doesn't do it, she'll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here's Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, "I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I'm very careful about what I eat." Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won't tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don't hold a candle to Dita's glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she's suffering from cokey mouth?