Carrot Top

With the help of a steamroller, two cast iron hot plates, this picture of John Travolta (which can turn any gay hair straight) and enough balm to fill a Beyonce rider, a team of stylists tamed the wild bushel of Gossamer pubes on Carrot Top's head for a Las Vegas Magazine photo shoot. The result has obviously given you the answer to the question: "Could I ever be attracted to the secret toilet baby of Jackie Stallone and Fabio?" Don't act like the answer isn't "YES!YES!YES!," because who can deny the come hither look of a female-to-male transsexual ginger who runs a mini-mall beauty salon/car insurance firm? It's a good thing that sofa is leather, because if it wasn't you might leave a panty pudding stain after you sit down.

I bet Carrot Top loved his new luxurious look so much that he pulled out the flat iron and matched the carpet to his drapes. Now when he hits it from the back, he can tickle your taint with the tips of his flowing pube cape.

Here's a video of how they made Carrot Top even more nipple-burning gorgeous. It's NSFW since it's obviously porn.

via Las Vegas Magazine (Thanks OurMissC)

Millions of Milkshakes and John Travolta's Scientolohole aren't the only places for a ho to drop a load of cream in for a dollar. Carrot (Versatile) Top presented his new Carrot Top Sundae at the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas last night. Part of the proceeds will be donated to Carrot Top's cousin Ronald McDonald and his house for children. I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of, but I wouldn't even sniff on Carrot Top's cup of sweet cream. That looks like it came from a place I don't want to know about.

It was probably made with roid pimples, the essence of Jackie Stallone, carrot skin pureed by a garbage disposal, bronzer crust, a clown's kidney stones, ginger pubes and old Collagen. One sip will have your butt cheeks begging to become one with a toilet seat. Just like what happens when you lick on Carrot Top himself! And yes even after that last sentence, I still would....the dude not the shake (see that part where I said I have no standards to speak of).

Carrot Top, the Thundercats version of Jacqueline Labofish Stallone, summoned the panty pudding at Fred Segal in Santa Monica yesterday by lifting up his shirt and exposing his freckled MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation and split buns.

Why don't you give your froat a break today, and let your genitals do the dry heaving while looking at these pictures. Carrot Top will bring the carrot stick and you bring the ranch dressing!

If you've got a chill in your butt bones, simply warm them up on this tantalizing picture of Carrot Top. And if your nalgas don't get as toasty as one of Paris Hilton's crotch warts, there's a good chance they will go numb from being exposed to THAT FACE. Either way, you beat the chill!

Anyway, here's more of Bronzer Bottom with some ho ho hos at a screening for Avatar in Las Vegas yesterday. Do you think that while watching Avatar Carrot Top realized that those blue creaturelings look more human and life-like than he does?

And just for the record, I still would. Shameful.

I just had to stick a bucket under my ass and hope for the best after seeing these panty pudding inducing pictures of Carrot Top with a meatball in his mouth. You know, I bet his personal skin meatballs look a lot like that. Well, with a red fern field growing on them, of course.

Gene Simmons and Carrot Versatile shared a romantic dinner together at the ultra elegant Buca di Beppo in Las Vegas last night. This is like a fucked up version of Lady and the Tramp. ManLady and the Roidhead.

Bitches always think I'm joking when I say that my no-no instantly turns into a yes-yes for Carrot Top. This is not a joke. I'd ride that Carrot until it turned pureed carrots. I'd mash that shit down faster than a fucking Beaba Babycooker. My ass would look like that bowl of spaghetti when I was done with him. And that's the ugly, horrifying truth.

As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People's Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that's probably it. He better not get passed up for People's Sexiest Mutant Alive title.

I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I'm okay with the cover, but it needs more...um...more...nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.

Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, "Obviously, Brad wasn't available this year." Just like Kim from the "Housewives of Atlanta" (see below), Hugh's wife is a vampire who can't see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would've shouted, "OH YES! You're the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky's pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!" Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.

The rest of People's list includes some of the usual suspects:

Daniel Craig - I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm - See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron - No, but he's a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley - Stop trying to make "Lipstick Jungle" happen!
Blair Underwood - Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick - See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps - No. The body is sexy, but the face didn't get the memo.
Blake Shelton - Who?!
Lang Lang - See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar - Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem - My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson - His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson - Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham - We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on....

Click here if you want to see Hugh's interview interview along with pictures and shit.

Cover VIA Cover Awards

Stop fighting it and just admit that you want to spin on this hot bitch's roided-up baby carrot stick. Then you want to smear his eyeliner and Wet 'n Wild foundation with your genitals while you seductively play with his sexy hair clip. Then you want to lick Carrot Bottom's Top's eyebrows, because they taste like chili powder and DEP gel (the combination is addictive). And don't get me started on that fur burger frying on his chin.

Go home tonight, pull a carrot out and try to tell it that you don't want to make sweet love to its god, Carrot Top. Look directly at it and try to lie. You won't be able to......

Okay, I'm starting to scare myself with my CT obsession. I'm backing away and throwing all my carrots out before it's too late.

Here's a gorgeous pickled carrot hunk with some douchey guinea pig person at the opening of Tacos and Tequilas in Las Vegas last night.

Yes, I am still suffering from the terminal disease known as CarrotTopalitis. There's is nothing that can be done. I have a severe unnatural obsession with a mutant science experiment. I don't even know why, because I've heard it through the cherry tomato vine that Carrot's stick looks like a baby carrot on a pile of saffron. I don't care. I'd bounce on that mini carrot until it turned into baby food.

I am fully aware that he looks like Jackie Stallone on roids. Scratch that. I think Jackie is already on roids. Jackie Stallone on A LOT of roids.

Blame my disease. The fact that I'd let Carrot Top go fire balls deep is enough to have me institutionalized for the rest of my days.

Here's my favorite fire crotch leaving Dan Tana's in Los Angeles last night.

It was only a matter of time before someone would be inspired by the extreme sexiness of Carrot Top. John Galliano showed his Spring '09 shit in Milan Paris today and sent out his dude models with giant fire bushes sitting on their heads. This is the future of beauty! Trust this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must run out to get a couple of spiral perms, followed by a good hair soak in Phoebe Price's bathwater.

Unfortunately, I'm doped up on every over-the-counter allergy drugs, so it's keeping me from fully enjoying these ultra hot Carrot Bottom pictures. I just want to douse him brown sugar, bake him at 450 and then devour him whole. He probably tastes like burnt yams, cocoa butter and V05 oil.

The rope belt isn't just decoration. It's holding down Carrot's weapon of mass destruction and by "weapon of mass destruction" I mean "half-eaten baby carrot."

Here's Carrot being sexy hot at the Country Music Awards last night. Phoebe Price couldn't make it, because she's in Cannes, so Carrot took her seat-filler position. Hot ginges have to stick together.