Reese Witherspoon

If you looked at the picture on the left and though to yourself, "Mmmmm, those tortilla chips on the floor look delicious," then you and me are the same and we're both disgusting because eating tortilla chips off the floor is nasty. If you looked at the picture on the left again and thought to yourself, "Now, that is the face of a scheming, gold digging whore pit viper," then you're right!

The beautiful bride on the left is Reese Witherspoon's stepmother Tricianne Taylor (no lie, Tricianne is a hot name) and she married John Witherspoon last year when he was still married to Reese's mother Betty Witherspoon. Shortly after the wedding, Betty sued both Tricianne and John for bigamy. John has early-onset dementia and claimed that he doesn't even know Tricianne and doesn't remember marrying her. John and Tricianne are still married and even though she's never met Reese Witherspoon, she's still scooting skid marks all over Laura Jeanne Poon's image for a quick check.

Tricianne tells The National Enquirer (via Radar) that she's not exactly surprised that Reese was a disrespectful twat to a cop, because she's treated her own father the same way. As Tricianne counted the crisp one hundred dollar bills that the Enquirer gave her, she said that Reese was such a bitch to John that he almost didn't walk his daughter down the aisle.

"She was so awful and disrespectful to her father. Reese shows very little respect to her father, and he’s been ostracized by her because she’s so angry that he married me. Based on Reese’s behavior in those police videos following her recent arrest, I believe she has a serious drinking problem and needs to get professional help."

The Enquirer adds that Trashy Anne Taylor wants $100,000 to expose all of Reese's secrets.

See, this is how I know that there's something really wrong with me. Trashy Anne sounds like a conniving, money-grubbing whore leech and John Witherspoon should've channeled Nancy Sinatra and put on those white boots to walk, far, far away from her, but I'm still reading her words and thinking to myself, "She's kind of hot." Trashy Anne is shameless, crazy and an overall mess. She's just my type.

But seriously, I love how she's diagnosing Reese even though she's never met her. I've never met Reese before and I've called her crazy, but I've never said she needs to go to rehab. But if that's what it takes to get a quick stack of hundreds from the Enquirer, then let me be the second to say: I've never met Reese Witherspoon, but she needs help!

Laura Jeanne Poon's damage control campaign should've ended with her award-worthy performance on Good Morning America, but it keeps on going and she's trying to get extra credit now. While walking through LAX last night with her permanently mortified husband Jim Toth, Reese Witherspoon wore a City of Atlanta Police cap. Subtle ho is subtle. Yes, her publicists should get a raise for dragging this shit out for maximum attention, but Reese is wearing the wrong cap.

Reese should wear a cap that says "I AM REESE WITHERSPOON, FAMOUS ACTRESS!" or "I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!" because then every police officer will know to not arrest her on American soil.

TMZ just keeps the dash cam hits coming and here's the grand finale (I think) of Reese Witherspoon, AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!, getting arrested by a cop while saying whatever she wants to on free ground, because she's AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!

The clip starts out with Reese telling the officer that her name is Reese Witherspoon and this is about to be national news. My favorite part is when she goes, "Absolutely, you told me not to get out of the car and I said, to you 'I DIS.AGREE.'" If my drunk ass got out of a car and sassed an officer like that, I'd be eating the ground he has jurisdiction over.

Reese then gets into the back of the cop car and her drunk driving husband Jim Toth manages to be the voice of reason. Jim tells her that she's making it worse and she just needs to stop. Shut up, Jim! You don't have jurisdiction over Reese's vocal cords and she's an American citizen who can say whatever she wants on free ground! Besides if Reese did shut up, she wouldn't have barfed out ridiculous shit nugget after ridiculous shit nugget and made my week complete.

And Vanessa Lutz is totally proud of Reese.

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, "This is beyond BEYOND....HILARIOUS!" 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ's lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, "I am an American citzen!" and "You're about to find out who I am!" THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: "I had nothing to do with that."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say "I had nothing to do with that" to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here's Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she's knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here's Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would've put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won't go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that's it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that's not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.

During her first interview since she got put into handcuffs for giving the sweet nectar a bad name by being a boozed up, belligerent  wreck, Reese Witherspoon told George Stethoscopealis on Good Morning America that she is sorry for being a bitch to a cop and she was so damn drunk that all kinds of words flew out of her pie hole.

George spoke for all of America when he told Reese that the things about her in the police report didn't sound like the Reese Witherspoon all of us know. Well, I pretty much only know Reese from the characters she's played in movies and what she told the cop is exactly what some of her characters (see: Tracy Flick and Vanessa Lutz aka the only characters of hers that matters) would say to a cop, so shut up and speak for yourself, George.

Anyway, Reese must've spent all of her Wednesday night memorizing and rehearsing this apology speech with her team of publicists, because it was the best interview she could've given and she acted her ass off. Reese said that her and her husband Jim Toth had too many glasses of wine while out to dinner in Atlanta and made the mistake of turning their Ford Focus into a death machine on wheels by driving drunk. Reese said that they both know better and they should've never done that and they'll never do it again. George then brought up the spoiled stream of entitled shit that came out of Reese's drunk mouth (example: "Do you know my name?" and "You're about to be on national news!") and she explained it like this:

"I saw [the cop] arresting my husband and I literally panicked. I told him I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things."

Reese then mouth farted out this line that I'm sure at least four screenwriters wrote for her: "I played a lawyer in a movie so many times I think I am a lawyer. . .And clearly I'm not a lawyer because I got arrested."

And then Reese's entire damage control team ran in front of the cameras and took their bows as Jim Toth threw roses at their feet.

Reese should always be drunk, because telling a cop that she's pregnant while being drunk off her ass is the funniest thing she's ever done. I'm surprised she didn't pull an old timey stunt by fake fainting. And if Reese really wanted to tell the cop some crazy shit, she should've told him that she's an Oscar winner and is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood.

via Gossip Cop

For the cover of their June issue, Red Magazine used a picture of Reese Witherspoon looking dozed off  while sitting in the passenger seat of a car. ("I know that look," said the police officer who busted Laura Jeanne Poon) That picture is like a glamour shot version of Lindsay Lohan's legendary drunk mess portrait. Reese is so damn drunk in that picture that she doesn't realize that she's wearing a bedskirt as a dress!

Reese Witherspoon gave an interview to the UK's Red Magazine before she got arrested for being a mouthy, drunken mess and the quotes are made of one hundred percent pricelessness. But first, here's something smart that came out of Reese's mouth:

“Even now, in America, a woman makes 87 cents to every $1 a man makes. If you’re a black woman, you make 75 cents. You’re a Latin woman, it’s 67 cents. And this is doing the same job. There is enormous inequality in pay and inequality in the workplace to this day.”

Then Reese went on to say that when her kid Tennessee came out of her body, he must've brought her brain with him.

“Ever since I had the baby, I can’t remember anything. Serious, this child stole my brain. I’m losing friendships over forgetting to get back to people. But you can’t keep up with everything.”

So maybe Reese wasn't asking that cop if he knew her name, because she was pulling some "Do you know who I am?" shit. Maybe she was asking that cop if he knew her name, because bitch forgot it. That little fact was stored in the brain that her baby stole! Blame that brain-snatching baby Tennessee for all of this.

And then Reese said this about being a proud successful woman:

“As women, we shrug and smile and say, ‘Oh … me?’ because it makes it socially acceptable for us to be successful. But there is a balance between being an arrogant jerk and being someone who is proud of their accomplishments. We need to let successful women show off and support them. Because men don’t spend any time putting themselves down. They don’t waste their breath.”

That one is just too, too easy.

via NYDN

Here's thrilling footage of Reese "Do You Know My Name?" Witherspoon (prison bitch name: Laura Jeanne Poon) arriving at the police station in cuffs before the officer uncuffs her and leads her inside to get her mug shot taken. I wish there was sound with this video, because I really want to hear her say to the cop, "Really? R-E-E-S-E-W-I-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N? Never heard that name? Legally Blonde? No? Nobody saw that This Means War mess, but maybe Walk The Line? NO? Are you Amish?!"

The footage is so damn blurry that it could be Russell Brand with a padded bra on for all we know, but ho doesn't look that drunk to me. I guess nothing zaps the booze from your system like getting put into handcuffs (and not in a sexy way).

In other Laura Jeanne Poon news, she was supposed to do the talk show rounds this week to promote Mud, but she canceled everything. And Jim Toth is supposedly thinking of checking into rehab since that's what the husbands of DoYouKnowMyNamers do when they get a DUI. And finally, Chelsea Handler told Entertainment Tonight at the E! Upfronts in NYC last night that Reese's arrest isn't that big of a deal:

"She's doing fine. She's doing fine, you know? She was just trying to protect her husband, so...I mean everybody makes mistakes, so it's not a big deal."

Not a big deal?! If this is a big deal for anyone it's Chelsea Handler. Chelsea hung out with Reese a couple of days after she was arrested, so you know Chelsea hugged her, patted her on the back and sang "For she's a jolly good drunk bitch!" to her. Then Chelsea bought everyone in the room shots to celebrate Reese's first arrest for being a drunken mess. So when Chelsea said that "it's not a big deal," she really meant that it was a very proud moment for her.

Here's the human vodka bottle at the E! Upfronts. If you need a quick mid-day buzz, just rub a little olive juice and on your screen and then lick it up. It's like drinking a martini! Yes, you'll probably spit up pieces of burnt leather, but at least you'll get some kind of buzz from it.

Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I'll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the "America's Sweetheart" sash from Reese's body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:

"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.

It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I'm very sorry for my behavior."

I wonder what "scary situation" Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer's face when she asked him, "Do you know my name?" Yeah, that's totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.

And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the "Do you know who I am?!" line. Sometimes it'll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.

Here's more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter's old suits, because that shit is the look.

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese's husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn't driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim's silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I'm guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn't believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn't do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who's got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the "Do you know who I am?" line is that they'll forever be known as the trick who uses the "Do you know who I am?" line.

And I'm going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I'm also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese's mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch's eyebrows look drunk. That's not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it's cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don't know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

Somewhere in a labor room in California, Reese Witherspoon birthed out another baby friend as she screamed at a permanently heartbroken RPattz to stop crying sparkly tears on her shoulder already, because bitches are starting to think she's a raver or works as a stripper at night. Reese put RPattz's Heartbreak House of WOE on the market to try to get rid of him and he still won't go away. Anyway...

Another kid gets to say the name "Uncle RPattz," because Reese gave birth to her third kid and her husband Jim Toth's first kid, a boy, this morning. That baby is probably all chin and moose knuckle. Reese's kids with Ryan Phillippe, Ava and Deacon, have names that make them sound like the biggest tattle talers in bible class, but she didn't keep with that theme when naming her newborn son. Here's a hint as to what Reese and Jim named their baby boy:

Their rep tells People that they named him: TENNESSEE JAMES TOTH!

Tennessee James sounds like the name of an orphan who was raised by a bunch of wild west wenches after his parents dropped him on the doorstep of a brothel, because they were bandits and the sheriff was after them. Reese grew up in Tennessee, so that's probably why she gave him the name Tennessee. (Tip: Naming your kid after the place you grew up is never a cute idea.)

I'd totally be all about this name if Reese came out and said she named him after her favorite kinds of booze. Tennessee = Tennessee whiskey and James = Bartles & Jaymes. Naming your kid after booze is the best idea, because you probably drank a lot when you made them and you're going to need to drink even more to deal with them. Which is why if two bandits ever drop a baby on my doorstep, because they're running from the law, I will name him Strawberry Hill Andre.