Reese Witherspoon

Ooooooh! Jakey G's ass lips were throbbing in anger last night, because the pappies just wouldn't get out of his life! Usually, my nipples don't howl for Jakey, but his "I Iz So Angry! WTF Iz Wrong Wit U?" face is giving me fever. Bitch could pass for a top!

The best part is that Reese doesn't really know what's going on, because bitch has the drunks in a major way. I think she's trying to stop the world from spinning so fast, so she won't vom in Jakey's lap. Then the bitch in Jakey would really pop out (to the tune of The Bitch Is Back)! Jakey does like a load of salty goo in his crotch, but not when it's lady barf.

How did Reese manage to get drunk? She seems like the type to only have little a sip of booze at New Year's. Reese's boring ass probably just drank a Shirley Temple too fast. Bitch should do that more often, because she actually looks happy in the face.

Here's angry Jakey, drunky Reese and Jenny Lewis leaving the Hollywood Bowl last night.

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

When Elle Magazine asked Vanessa Lutz about her best homegirl Jakey Gyllenhaal, she said, "He's fabulous. He really is a fantastic guy."

Fabulous? Reese might as well have said that the bitch is feir-feir-feeeeeeirce. And that he's so glittery that she just wants to wear him as a dress while skipping along the rainbow trails left by his ass.

Reese went on to talk about how she's made of sugars, “I’m made of cookies after the holidays. Everything inside me is made of sugar and flour and a little red wine–a lot of red wine.”

This bitch might be gayer than Jakey. Might be.

Visit Elle to read the rest of Reese's interview if you give a shit.

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He's going to cry into Reese's chin when they don't have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he's going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, "Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes."

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a "I'm sorry gift" every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don't see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo's harness.

Seriously though, I don't see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can't produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.

When Jakey Poo moved into Reese Witherspoon's house, she immediately gave him a few ground rules. She told him that he couldn't have any boys after midnight, he has to wash his ass dildos after every use and he can only blast ABBA on Saturday afternoons.

A source told Star (via MSNBC) she also give him a few other rules, “Some of (the things she insists on) are run-of-the-mill. He has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table.” Take out the trash? Um, doesn't she have a maid? And if she doesn't have a maid, that's what kids are fucking for.

Speaking of the word "fucking," Jakey Poo can't use it word anymore. The source went on to say, “Jake used to swear like a sailor, but not anymore. If he does, he has to apologize.” Boring! Who's going to teach the kids important words like cunt and slutbag? I bet Reese has one of those annoying swear jars where you have to give a dollar if you curse. I'd be fuckity fucked. Poor Jakey Poo. You know he loves saying, "Bitch, please" and now he can't.

Strict ass Reese also forces her family to eat at the dinner table and to tell each other in advance if they have other dinner plans. Reese is such a mom! And who the hell wants to eat at the dinner table unless there's a big TV in front of it!?

According to the source, Jakey Poo apparently loves all the rules. He would. He's a total sub.

Here's some pictures of floppy haired Jakey Poo in Paris with Mom Reese and her kids.

Girlfriend had too many Cosmos! Actually, Jake Poo probably drinks sour apple martinis. He likes how they make his manpussy pucker. Jakey strikes me as a total sloppy drunk. Like a sorority sister. He probably gets all handsy, dances on tables, lip-synchs to Cyndi Lauper and flashes his chichis at the frat boys. Reese just sits there rolling her eyes and sipping on her Shirley Temple. She puts the boo in booooring.

Here's Reese and Jakey Poo out to dinner in London last night. Jakey is currently shooting the title role in "The Prince of Persia" in the UK.

Yes, Jakey Poo is in the picture above. He's walking backwards so that the paps can get a shot of his hot ass. Power bottoms love to show off their best feature. Anygay, UsWeekly reports that Jakey Poo has packed up his Strawberry Shortcake suitcase and moved in with Reese Witherspoon and her kids. The kids are calling him Auntie Jake.

A source said that this is their first step towards marriage, "Marriage is definitely what they are working toward. They literally don't want to spend any time away from each other." Literally? They even do caca times together? That must be interesting.

Should I start to believe that this relationship is for reals and that Jakey Poo doesn't enjoy a juicy man tongue in his hedgehog hole? I mean, how long can they possibly keep this charade going? Wait, how long have John Travolta and Kelly Preston been married? That would answer my question.

Jakey Poo is totally checking out some hot ass in the picture above. Reese is thinking, "Why won't Jakey Poo play with my panty hamster?" Sigh.

Here's Jakey and his main fag hag cuddling outside of a restaurant yesterday. Reese is looking like a little pregnant in the belly. This is obviously impossible. You can't get pregnant from "tickle and giggle" sessions. It's just Shirley Temple bloat.

A girl can't have a pretzel with extra cheese without people speculating that she's knocked up. I mean this is Reese Witherspoon we're talking about. I haven't been to a sex education class in a long time, but don't you have to engage in intercourse in order to get pregnant? I doubt her tickle sessions with Jakey Poo lead to anything more. Well, it leads to them doing each other's hair and crank calling Jennifer Aniston. They call Aniston and say, "Hi honey. It's John. Will you marry me?" When Jenny says "yes," they cackle and hang up on her.

Here's Reese with pretzel bloat at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer yesterday in DC.