Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon hasn't meant shit to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal's fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could've let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullshit, but instead she said this:

"Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?"

DONE.

Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he'll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you're fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you're everyone's hero for today for this afternoon for this hour.

via The Superficial

CoCo's world-class royal camel toe better take this as a direct threat and step up its hungry pussy game. Reese Witherspoon qualified for the title of Camel Toe Queen a few weeks ago when she left the gym looking like Moses himself parted her coochie lips at that very moment. Then yesterday, Reese left the gym again looking like her crotch was trying to do its best impersonation of Taylor Armstrong. It's like her punane and her chin are in a competition to see who can look more well-endowed. Spread the sand and wrassle up a couple of jockeys, because CoCo and Reese need to stomp their camel toes to the death.

Reese Witherspoon's Chloe Paraty bag (yes, we're leaving in a world where purses have first and last names) costs more than a thousand delicious McGymMats and it also is the reason why a python was tortured, skinned and killed. The last part is what made the professional statement makers at PETA release a statement directed at Jake Gyllenhaal's former face warmer.

The $4,000 bag can't be sold in California, because selling anything made with python is illegal in the state, but carrying anything made of python is not. (Note: For those of you who are sick of heaving over the staged photos that Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison sell to the photo agencies, that California law might be of interest to you. You know, because Courtney's face definitely has some kind of python in it.)

PETA verbally threw a bucket of red paint at Reese's bag and then described in detail to the Daily Mail how pythons are skinned.

"No matter how much Reese paid for that bag, the animals paid a much higher price. Every year, millions of snakes are impaled on hooks or nailed to trees by their heads and skinned alive.

Hoses are inserted into the mouths of large snakes—like pythons—and their bodies are pumped full of water to loosen their skin so that it will cut away more easily. The animals' peeled, writhing bodies are then discarded, and it often takes days for the animals to die from the effects of shock and dehydration.

We can't imagine that she'd wish to contribute to this hidden suffering, especially for something as frivolous as a fashion accessory that can be replicated with no bloodshed. These days, it's easy to have a look that kills without killing, with fake snake, mock croc, python pleather, and other designer items that pay tribute to the beauty of these animals without massacring them."

So, I guess PETA is taking back that Sexiest Vegetarian award they gave Reese a few years back.

One of my old co-workers, who didn't own one handbag, convinced me that carrying a purse is completely useless because: a) God gave her an all-natural money clip (read: her titty cleavage); b) The bottom of a purse is where sticks of gum are crushed and murdered; c) A purse is a beacon for thieving thieves and d) When she gets fired from a job, she has one less thing to carry during the walk of shame to her Honda. So because of this, spending $4,000 on a purse that doesn't serve a dual purpose (examples: pistol purse, umbrella bag, wine purse, etc...) is a waste of cash to me.

And to be fair to Reese, if she was out in the wild, she'd probably be able to kill, skin and purse-ify a python with her chin. So, there's that.

UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old's body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like "dating" Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).

But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese's chin (Note: If you're going to be a fly on Reese's chin, you're going to want to be a fly on Reese's chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can't see shit and won't notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles' Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 -- and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!

"They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," a source tells Us Weekly. "They laughed about it."

Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, "You're So Vain" magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!

But really. How can anybody call Jakey "vain." Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?

Yes, I'm sure he's staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, "Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*," but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.

*You know, because there's a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it's Friday morning.

Reese Witherspoon won something called the Generation Award at MTV's Twilight Appreciation Banquet last night and she used her time at the mic to chin slap the likes of Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian for summoning the spotlight by leaking their own sex tapes. Reese also threw judgement at camera sluts who don't hide their faces when posing nekkid ass nekkid in front of their cell phones (cut to Blake Lively in a bathroom stall backstage, slowly lowering her camera phone below her chin).

Reese should really give a lecture to stupid ass Craigslist whores who scream "NO FACE/NO CHAT" at you when you e-mail them pictures of your nipples and belly button. Poor Chase would never get action on Craigslist.

But back to Reese, this is the girl power speech she gave to an audience of Twihards and Beliebers last night:

“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”

That "hide your face part" was Reese's subtle way of calling Blake a butterface, right?

Yeah, yeah, I get what Reese is going on about, but saying "HIDE YO SEX TAPES! HIDE YO FACES!" makes her sound like the Antoine Dodson of prudes. Yes, some sex tapes were the seed that sprouted an evil force that infected the world with triple stuffed asses and ostrich Herpes, but some celebrity sex tapes have brought nothing but joy to many genitals (see: Colin Farrell's sex tape).

Not every slut has the luxury of baring their (NSFW) bare breasts on a closed and professional movie set! Besides, Reese should know that Kim DID hide her sex tape under her bed. And by "bed" I mean the welcome mat at AVN.

Whenever there's a Water for Elephants premiere, there's always a sad leased elephant who is forced to wear a stupid fringed banner and resist the urge to nibble on Reese Witherspoon's ripe chin. The poor elephant always has to take the blame when somebody complains about a mysterious rank scent of Gouda cheese, foot powder and dirty laundry panties filling the air (SPOILER ALERT: it's coming from RPattz). It's not right! When an elephant weeps, we all weep!

But I'd like to think that the elephant at today's Australian premiere in Sydney got its revenge when it delivered its review of the movie to Reese and RPattz.

Seriously, even Dumbo never had to put up with this kind of shit!

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.

Whenever you see Reese Witherspoon weeping on her steering wheel, it isn't because she wishes she was the perfect Vanessa Lutz in real life or because she just watched Four Christmases, it's because she's permanently got a NO PRIVACY, PLEASE sign hanging on the end of her chin. Yeah, so you there, weeping in your car because you just lost your job and will have to move in there full time, stop your wah wah wah-ing! Reese has it worse. At least you can leave your car to wash your pits in the sink of a gas station bathroom. Reese can't! So re-direct your tears and cry for her situation instead of yours. Stop being selfish for once!

While promoting that movie about thirsty elephants, Reese spoke to a journalist who interviewed her 8 years before for Vogue. Reese talked about all the things in her life that have changed since then including the fact that she can't leave her mansion without a pap trying to eat her face with his camera lens. Every day, Reese is wearing a black veil over her face and mourning her privacy.

“I mean, I feel like an ingrate for even thinking anything isn’t good. I’m very, very, very lucky. But . . . umm . . . probably that I parted with my privacy a long time ago. We went different ways. And sometimes I mourn it. Sometimes I will sit in the car and cry. Because I can’t get out. That’s the only thing: I mourn the loss of my privacy.”

Did I mention that the black veil Reese wears is custom Hermes? She bought it with the money People Magazine paid her for those EXCLUSIVE wedding pictures. Uh huh. You know, I was almost right there with Reese. I thought to myself: "Reese is an actress! Reese is not a Kardashian! Reese didn't sign up for this! Reese shouldn't have to move to the rural parts of Tennessee to escape the paparazzi!" But then my mind went back to a couple of weeks ago when I pushed open a urinal door in the men's bathroom of a movie theater and found a half-naked old man squatting over a toilet while sneering at me. If that old man was Reese Witherspoon, he'd have a bodyguard guarding that urinal door, or he'd be using an ultra exclusive VIP toilet in the top floor of the movie theater. So Reese needs to cry less, because I don't think I've ever seen her squatting over a toilet seat in a public bathroom.

Suri Cruise's eyes might be saying "Isn't this special?", but her finger over her mouth is loudly screaming, "How. Tragic." From Jim Toth looking like a shaved monkey getting his daily protein by nibbling the gnats out of Reese Witherspoon's hair to Hello! Magazine erasing the Barbie from her dress, Suri is not amused. If People insisted on pushing Suri into the corner, they could've at least used a picture of Reese that didn't make her look like the love child of Skipper and Mr. Potato Head getting assaulted by a Monchichi. No, she looks pretty. I'm just every flavor of bitter, because Jake Gyllenhaal should be the one with a veil on his head on the cover of People. And Reese knows it! That Ore-Ida chin of hers has got a dollop of smugness directed at JAKE! Something tells me Jake will be shouting a raw rendition of Whitney Houston's "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" at this cover today.

And here's the newly married Reese at the ACMs in Las Vegas last night with RPattz! Either RPattz is stoned drunk or he's trying to wrestle out a fart.

As Ryan Phillippe says "til premature ejaculation does us part" to a random fuck piece he met this afternoon and Jake Gyllenhaal silently weeping into the wedding dream book he made with Reese Witherspoon, she handcuffed herself to her 40-year-old agent boyfriend of over a year, Jim Toth, at her fancy ranch on Ojai, CA today. Is her chin making his head look HUGE or has the bong smoke given me fun house mirror vision again? Developing....

One of the white doves from Reese's wedding must be a speed racer, because it delivered all the details to UsWeekly in record time. Seriously, they got everything down to what he walked down the aisle to. That white dove don't play.

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, Alyssa Milano, Robert Downey Jr., Salma Hayek and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Witherspoon's best friend, Heather Rosenfield, served as matron of honor, and her kids with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe -- daughter Ava, 11, and son Deacon, 7 -- took part in the ceremony. The Oscar winner's young nieces served as flower girls.

The "Tennessee Waltz" was the processional music for Toth and the kids, while Witherspoon walked down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride." The 20-minute ceremony was officiated by Reverend Jimmy Bartz, founder of Thad's church in Santa Monica, where the couple have been attending weekly Sunday services. The duo exchanged wedding bands designed by jeweler William Goldberg.

Congrats to Reese and Jim, and a pre-congrats for all the giant headed babies they're obviously going to have together. I would say that I'm going to celebrate this shit by watching Freeway and Fear for the millionth time while eating a wedding sheet cake from Sam's Club with a veil on my head, but I pretty much do that every Saturday night. I was going to do it anyway, so don't think your ass is special, Reese!