Reese Witherspoon

If you live in Ojai, CA and are wondering why all the grocery stores are out of Entenmann's devil's food cake, raw cookie dough logs and tubs of cream cheese frosting, it's because RPattz bought all of it and is sitting on Reese Witherspoon's living room floor trying to drown his hurt emotions with gallons and gallons of artificially sweetened carbs while cry singing along to "Bust Your Windows." Since every tabloid wants to turn this Kristen Stewart and RPattz break-up into the worst and saddest episode of The Love Boat by dropping in cameos from a bunch of Hollywood stars, both People and UsWeekly say that Reese Witherspoon is letting him mend his broken heart in her fancy Ojai ranch.

RPattz and Reese became friends while shooting Agua Para Elefantes and so when Kristen Stewart punched the glitter out of his heart by doing dry butt sex with that married director, Reese gave him the keys to her $7 million Ojai vacation ranch to hide out in. KStew has been calling RPattz to beg him to take her cheating whore ass back, but he doesn't want to hear it. Basically, he's saying Ojbai in Ojai. (I know, I need to stop.) Here's what UsWeekly has to say about this mess:

As Pattinson attempts to relax chez Witherspoon, he is, according to another source, "a total mess . . . He's questioning everything."

An "inconsolable" Stewart, meanwhile, has been reaching out via texts and phone calls. "She's dying to save the relationship. It's the only thing she cares about," a Stewart source says.

Oh, please. RPattz should be squee-ing into his bong now that he's free of that bland bitch. More pot for him! RPattz should also be happy that he's rich, can take time off and has rich friends with fancy ass country houses for him to be all sad in. RPattz doesn't know what it's like to be heartbroken and all out of sick days to use. It sucks sitting in your cubicle, under fluorescent lighting, the morning after your shit got dumped or you found out your ho cheated on you. Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling.

If RPattz running off to Reese's ranch isn't just another stunt move in this possible stunt of all stunts, then I hope she has farm animals there. And I hope that some of those farm animals are goats (no, I'm not about turn this into a story about goat rebound sex, so no need to flinch), and I hope that some of those goats are jumping goats. Because nothing turns a frown into an awwwww like a bitchy, racist, drop-kicking baby goat:

Wait. Do baby goats bite their lips? If they do and RPattz sees this, then Entenmann's better back up their truck directly into Reese's driveway, because it's going to be a long weekend.

Here's pictures from Elle Decor of Reese's ranch. Shit looks like Pottery Barn's snobby cousin (let's call it Marble Barn) farted all up in there.

Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney's arm at last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you've got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn't plastic in Barbara's cheeks. That's an orgasm!

George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender's peen.

And in case you missed it, here's the White House Correspondents' Dinner's prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night's party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel's act):

And here's even more pictures of even more hos at last night's dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, was so and so there?" The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody!

Here's Reese Witherspoon leaving an eatin' place in Brentwood five days ago and this proves that a fetus has taken a lease out on her uterus for a few months, because pregnant women are the only kind of women in Hollywood who eat food in public and she's so desperate to cover up her baby growing area that she stole a memaw's gardening bag to do so. UsWeekly says that Reese and her husband of a year Jim Toth aren't ever going to announce their first BABY!!! together, so UsWeekly is doing it for them!

"Reese is right around 12 weeks. Reese and Jim have been trying to get pregnant. The timing is right. They're so happy!

Reese and Jim's adorable bundle of chin will be a brother or sister to her kids with Ryan Phillipe: 12-year-old Ava and 8-year-old Deacon.

Thanks to Jessica Simpson's wide open pie hole, I have come to expect that ALL celebrity mom types will spill every tiny little ass detail about their pregnancy. If Reese isn't going to ever talk about this to us, how will we know what her sex pregnancy orgasms are like or how she queefs every time her baby chin kicks her? I already feel cheated!

Reese Witherspoon hasn't meant shit to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal's fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could've let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullshit, but instead she said this:

"Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?"

DONE.

Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he'll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you're fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you're everyone's hero for today for this afternoon for this hour.

via The Superficial

CoCo's world-class royal camel toe better take this as a direct threat and step up its hungry pussy game. Reese Witherspoon qualified for the title of Camel Toe Queen a few weeks ago when she left the gym looking like Moses himself parted her coochie lips at that very moment. Then yesterday, Reese left the gym again looking like her crotch was trying to do its best impersonation of Taylor Armstrong. It's like her punane and her chin are in a competition to see who can look more well-endowed. Spread the sand and wrassle up a couple of jockeys, because CoCo and Reese need to stomp their camel toes to the death.

Reese Witherspoon's Chloe Paraty bag (yes, we're leaving in a world where purses have first and last names) costs more than a thousand delicious McGymMats and it also is the reason why a python was tortured, skinned and killed. The last part is what made the professional statement makers at PETA release a statement directed at Jake Gyllenhaal's former face warmer.

The $4,000 bag can't be sold in California, because selling anything made with python is illegal in the state, but carrying anything made of python is not. (Note: For those of you who are sick of heaving over the staged photos that Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison sell to the photo agencies, that California law might be of interest to you. You know, because Courtney's face definitely has some kind of python in it.)

PETA verbally threw a bucket of red paint at Reese's bag and then described in detail to the Daily Mail how pythons are skinned.

"No matter how much Reese paid for that bag, the animals paid a much higher price. Every year, millions of snakes are impaled on hooks or nailed to trees by their heads and skinned alive.

Hoses are inserted into the mouths of large snakes—like pythons—and their bodies are pumped full of water to loosen their skin so that it will cut away more easily. The animals' peeled, writhing bodies are then discarded, and it often takes days for the animals to die from the effects of shock and dehydration.

We can't imagine that she'd wish to contribute to this hidden suffering, especially for something as frivolous as a fashion accessory that can be replicated with no bloodshed. These days, it's easy to have a look that kills without killing, with fake snake, mock croc, python pleather, and other designer items that pay tribute to the beauty of these animals without massacring them."

So, I guess PETA is taking back that Sexiest Vegetarian award they gave Reese a few years back.

One of my old co-workers, who didn't own one handbag, convinced me that carrying a purse is completely useless because: a) God gave her an all-natural money clip (read: her titty cleavage); b) The bottom of a purse is where sticks of gum are crushed and murdered; c) A purse is a beacon for thieving thieves and d) When she gets fired from a job, she has one less thing to carry during the walk of shame to her Honda. So because of this, spending $4,000 on a purse that doesn't serve a dual purpose (examples: pistol purse, umbrella bag, wine purse, etc...) is a waste of cash to me.

And to be fair to Reese, if she was out in the wild, she'd probably be able to kill, skin and purse-ify a python with her chin. So, there's that.

UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old's body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like "dating" Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).

But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese's chin (Note: If you're going to be a fly on Reese's chin, you're going to want to be a fly on Reese's chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can't see shit and won't notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles' Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 -- and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!

"They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," a source tells Us Weekly. "They laughed about it."

Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, "You're So Vain" magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!

But really. How can anybody call Jakey "vain." Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?

Yes, I'm sure he's staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, "Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*," but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.

*You know, because there's a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it's Friday morning.

Reese Witherspoon won something called the Generation Award at MTV's Twilight Appreciation Banquet last night and she used her time at the mic to chin slap the likes of Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian for summoning the spotlight by leaking their own sex tapes. Reese also threw judgement at camera sluts who don't hide their faces when posing nekkid ass nekkid in front of their cell phones (cut to Blake Lively in a bathroom stall backstage, slowly lowering her camera phone below her chin).

Reese should really give a lecture to stupid ass Craigslist whores who scream "NO FACE/NO CHAT" at you when you e-mail them pictures of your nipples and belly button. Poor Chase would never get action on Craigslist.

But back to Reese, this is the girl power speech she gave to an audience of Twihards and Beliebers last night:

“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”

That "hide your face part" was Reese's subtle way of calling Blake a butterface, right?

Yeah, yeah, I get what Reese is going on about, but saying "HIDE YO SEX TAPES! HIDE YO FACES!" makes her sound like the Antoine Dodson of prudes. Yes, some sex tapes were the seed that sprouted an evil force that infected the world with triple stuffed asses and ostrich Herpes, but some celebrity sex tapes have brought nothing but joy to many genitals (see: Colin Farrell's sex tape).

Not every slut has the luxury of baring their (NSFW) bare breasts on a closed and professional movie set! Besides, Reese should know that Kim DID hide her sex tape under her bed. And by "bed" I mean the welcome mat at AVN.

Whenever there's a Water for Elephants premiere, there's always a sad leased elephant who is forced to wear a stupid fringed banner and resist the urge to nibble on Reese Witherspoon's ripe chin. The poor elephant always has to take the blame when somebody complains about a mysterious rank scent of Gouda cheese, foot powder and dirty laundry panties filling the air (SPOILER ALERT: it's coming from RPattz). It's not right! When an elephant weeps, we all weep!

But I'd like to think that the elephant at today's Australian premiere in Sydney got its revenge when it delivered its review of the movie to Reese and RPattz.

Seriously, even Dumbo never had to put up with this kind of shit!

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.