Nick Cannon

You know that rainbow butterfly sugarshake called "Obsessed" that Mimi put out (it's okay if you already forgot about it)? The story goes that the song is about Eminem, but Mimi shook her head "no" when asked about it (SPOILER ALERT: She was lying). Well, Eminem is not just going to sit around eating ham and donut sandwiches and let her do him like. No, Eminem squeezed his ass cheeks together and put out a response that is giving me the hard shits.

Eminem is serious! Dude even chirps that he has some pictures which proves they bumped tittays in the dead of night. Release that shit to the masses! But make sure you pass them through Mimi's personal Photoshop team first.

You know, this shit sounds like every voicemail I left for my ex-boyfriends after they dumped my ass! I'm pretty sure I've used the line "Like I'm gonna sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt" at least a dozen times."

And I hope that when Mimi finally gets off from the floor after blacking out from listening to this, she gits him back! The other kids in the playground are waiting!

VIA RapRadar

Mimi and Nick Cannon's marriage will turn 1-year-old on April 30th. This is 363 days longer than I thought it would last. I feel like I should lick the crotch of a Hello Kitty doll as punishment.

You know, even if Mimi wanted to get a divorce, she'd have to drag her mantoy's ass with her to the lawyer's office, because he can't let go! The money is on his hands at all times! Gold diggers of the world, this is how it's done.

Here's Mimi and Nick leaving Mr. Chow last night in Beverly Hills. How many dudes does it take to get the unicornie rainbow butt plug princess into a car?! Is homegirl filled with hot air and in danger of floating away? Oh, wait.

Shit, now I have to return the 5-foot tall lucite butterfly statute I bought for Mimi and Nick. The two have called off their second wedding which was supposed to take place in NYC sometime this month. Their first wedding in the Bahamas just wasn't enough for Mimi. The second wedding was going to be a multi-million-dollar crystal unicorn extravaganza fit for an 8-year-old!

Mimi reportedly couldn't find a magazine that was interested in spending millions for the exclusive photos of her cotton candy bukkake fiesta. A told MSNBC's The Scoop, “Mariah was willing to pay for the wedding, but the way she hoped to pay for the wedding was through the sale of photos. No one was interested."

Did the bitch try Hello Kitty Magazine?! They would have paid for the entire affair and also given her a custom-made wedding dress made of out of hundreds of stuffed Hello Kitties. Hello Kitty herself could have officiated the ceremony! Ugh. She can hit them up for her next marriage.

One wedding is not enough for Mimi! MSNBC's The Scoop reports that Mimi is planning an over-the-top wedding to Nick Cannon in NYC. They are going to be divorced in a few months, so she might as well get a tacky party out of this marriage while she still can!

A source said, “It’s going to be held in New York City in the next six weeks. Picture a wedding on the scale of Liza Minnelli’s (to David Gest) and you’ll be on the right track." Liza Minnelli's wedding?! You mean the night is going to end with the groom groping one of the waiters and the bride having a slumber party with all of her gay best friends?

The source went on to say, “She wants over 2,000 guests and the budget will be well over $4 million and she’ll have at least 14 bridesmaids."

YES! Now this is what I'm talking about. Expect this shit to be like My Super Sweet 16 on CRACK. Those little dumb bitches don't have shit on Mimi. Mimi better be careful about who she uses as wedding planner. Most people don't understand her. She should really hire a group of 8-year-old girls as her wedding team. They know what Mimi likes, because it's probably what they like too.

Mimi and her boy toy are fucking everywhere! Everywhere! She's walking around with a dopey smile on her face. I've seen that dopey smile before. It looks like the final stage of Dickmatization. She's a goner. She's probably signing over her fortune with his jizz right now.

Mimi and Nick attended the Operation Smile benefit last night and Mimi was asked about marriage, “It's fantastic. It’s a stone smash!” A stone smash?! Too much information!

Nick added, “It’s a beautiful situation … carrying on and on each day.” A very beautiful situation. Nick was seen driving around in a new $100,000 Maserati. Yup, Dickmatization is serious business.

Mimi's new bitch, Nick Cannon, was out shopping at Beverly Hills Kitty yesterday. Mimi probably can't cum without her favorite Hello Kitty stuffed animal. She likes to caress it's cheek when she's hitting the big one. Wait till she asks him to get her Hello Kitty brand tampons. It's the least Nick Cannon can do for her. He was a couple of seasons away from starring in a Vh1 reality dating show and she saved him!

The couple are still celebrating their shotgun wedding. UsWeekly reports that they threw another wedding party at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA last night. The park closed to the public at 6pm for Mimi's classy affair. That sucks. I found joy in picturing Mimi standing in an hour-long line for Colossus.

The theme park was decorated in pink and purple and a banner read: "Mariah and Nick - A Love Story." A barf story is more like it!