Nick Cannon

Apparently, there's such a thing as a mild case of kidney failure and Nick Cannon's got it. I guess Nick's kidney hasn't completely went the way of his music career (aka died a fast death), but it's just lying there, paralyzed and has temporarily forgotten how to form emotions. Sort of like Mimi's twins when they glance at this portrait hanging over her Hello Kitty bathtub.

Nick had a kidney situation while the two were spreading their cheese in Aspen (see the foolery below) and is now laid up in a hospital bed. And in true Mimi fashion, she jumped into the hospital bed and forced some tortured nurse to take a picture for her Twitter followers. That nurse now knows how to take a picture while trying hard to control her eyeballs from instinctively rolling out of their sockets. Mimi posted this long ass message with the precious portrait:

Please pray for Nick as he's fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure.

This is us in the hospital - role reversal; Last year it was me attached to the machines (after having dembabies) and Nick was there with me through it, and now here we are.

We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.

We're doing OK but we're "straaaaaanded in Aspen". #DramaticDivaPlace (I know, we could be in a lot worse places) but the truth is as long as we're together, we're OK. I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM.

Nick must have the sicks in a serious way, because his facial expression is brought to us by the letters FML. Or maybe Nick's feeling the pain inside something extra, because his kidney has more than mildly failed after Mimi put that assholian hat on his head for this picture. It'll be okay. That bitch Kero Kero Keroppi owes Mimi, so I'm sure he's good for a kidney.

On last night's 20/20, Barbara Walters (who I swear is slowly morphing into Michele Kleier from HGTV's Selling New York) introduced the world to the faces of the BABIES!!! that will soon grace Japan's national flag and will soon be covered in more body glitter than a go go dancer at a gay club. Moroccan and Monroe (I can't, you can't, we still all can't with those names) made their public debut six months after a light pink Pegasus delivered them to Mimi and Nick Cannon in a basket made of rainbow kisses.

You know, I was completely ready to give one of those awkward smiles and shifty eyeball moves you give when you see a newborn baby that looks like it just burst out of John Hurt's stomach. Every part of me knew that the Sanrio twinlings would look like you shouldn't give them water after dark, but then a Lisa Frank sunshine ray hit their faces and I completely melted into a giant puddle of ovaries. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Yes, the bong smoke was operating my emotions, but still. This shouldn't happen. Most babies look like an old man ass with possum eyes to me, but Mimi's newborn lamblets are pretty adorable. Roc and Roe look like cartoon mice that should be singing "Somewhere Out There" to each other and shit.

Mimi told Barbara that after her first miscarriage, she got on progesterone to conceive her Hello Twinsies. Mimi's pregnancy was as pleasant as watching Glitter sober and she had several false labors and toward the end she could barely move her beached whale ass without help from the coast guard and volunteers. If you care, you can watch the entire interview here. There's also a billion more pictures on a website Mimi burped up called DemBabies which is devoted to her twins. Yes, it's a mess.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find pictures of Kardashians wearings Krocs to get my emotions in the right cunt place again.

Mimi and Nick Cannon's unicorn twinlets have yet to make their magazine portrait debut, but he talked a little about them to Page Six at the opening of a Benz dealership in Manhattan the other night. Nick continued to make sense by saying that his kids live up to their names Moroccan Scott and Monroe. You know, because Moroccan has six-packs where his tear ducts are supposed to be and Monroe is already a needy girl who will throw a breathy tantrum if she doesn't get her way. SENSE: Nick Cannon has lots of it!

Nick on Moroccan Scott: "He doesn't cry, he's already got muscles, so Moroccan was a perfect name for him."

Nick on Monroe: "Monroe's a diva. She always has to get her way, and she loves being held."

I believe every single word Nick Cannon is spewing, especially the part about Moroccan Scott having more muscles than Jillian Michaels' nipple. Think about it. If your name is Moroccan, you can either cry about it or you can do something about it. Moroccan Scott went with the latter and played the Rocky theme song in his head.

When his parents aren't looking, he uses the rhinestone-encrusted unicorn horn rattle in his crib as a weight. Moroccan lifts it with determination while thinking about the day he'll be strong enough to do a pull up out of his crib, crawl to the nearest window, jump up to it, push it up with his new biceps and roll to the county clerk's office to change his name. It's like ENOUGH but with babies! And instead of an abusive husband, he's got an abusive name!

Now that Baby Couscous and Baby Marilyn are safely snuggled into their diamante and pink gold cribs (I wish), their father Nick Cannon tells the media all about their ridiculous journey from Mimi's Care Bear womb to her bronzer-covered arms. But first, above is the elegant piece of understated jewelry that Nick bought for Mimi for her first Mother's Day. The 4-carat diamond and pink sapphire necklace cost $12,000 and will replace a chola's green gold nameplate necklace as my favorite definition of real class. It's a little piece of Downtown Las Vegas on Mimi's neck! All it's missing is the scent of wet cigarettes and bourbon phlegm balls in plastic cups. Moving on...

Nick Cannon was on The Gayle King Show (via UsWeekly) yesterday and he set the record straight about the rumor that they played Mimi's song "We Belong Together" during the birth of their twin unicorlings. They didn't play "We Belong Together," but they did play the live version of Mimi's song "Fantasy." Nick has a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they went with the live version of the song:

"Now my wife wanted to make sure that when the babies came out, that they came out not only to a Mariah Carey song, but a live performance from Mariah Carey -- her Madison Square performance of 'Fantasy' -- so they came out to a round of applause."

That sounds like the most fabulously gay production since Liza Minnelli's wedding to David Gest. You know, I would say that the sound of Mimi's 10,000 octave nightingale yodel would send any baby crawling back up into the womb, but it almost didn't scare Moroccan and Monroe as much as the doctor dressed in a Hello Kitty costume and the dozens of lambs dyed in various shades of pink and blue prancing around the delivery room.

This little bit of information also helps to solve the question: who called Child Protective Services on Mimi's ass?! Nick told CNN yesterday they got a hospital visit from CPS after somebody said Mimi was drinking and drugging in her room. Nick thinks someone overheard a nurse telling Mimi to drink a little dark beer to move breastfeeding along and decided to turn nothing into a scandal for a fast dollar.

But I disagree with Nick's suspicions. If you played back the anonymous call to CPS, you'd definitely hear a pair of tiny voices breathing out the words "heeeeeeelp us." It's amazing how fast newborns will learn how to speak after you play a Mariah Carey song for them.

If you're like me, then you've been clenching your nalgas together in anticipation of the names Mimi and Nick Cannon bestowed upon their baby boy and baby girl. So without further ado, you can finally unclench, because they have named them:

Moroccan Scott Cannon

and

Monroe Cannon

The names "Divaboo Honey Heart" and "Unicorniah Lambow" WERE ROBBED! But this is almost just as good, because CNN says Mimi named her son "Moroccan" after the name of her favorite room in her NYC penthouse. BITCH NAMED HER BABY AFTER A ROOM! It could've been a lot worse, though. Mimi could've named him after her second favorite room in her penthouse: The Rainbow Loo. Actually, Rainbow Loo would've been better than Morrocan.

Moroccan's middle name is also Nick's middle name. As for the completely unoriginal girl name of Monroe, Mimi says it's an honor of her idol Marilyn Monroe. Butterfly please, we all know that Mimi really named her after Monroe Ficus.

Even though the school yard bullies are obviously going to call the boy twin "Moroniccan" and "Moroccan Scott" sounds like a sex act involving a hookah pipe, these names are pretty tame for Mimi. They don't sound like citizens of Lisa Frankland who spend their summers in the Land of Caring. There will be a lot of butterflies out there who won't even muster out one flutter today, because they're sad that Mimi didn't name one of her twins after them. Butterfly betrayal is the worst.

As Mimi and Nick Cannon's precious new pair of unicornlets crawled to the hospital's administrative offices to change their names (which I'm guessing are Sparklebelle LaMimi and Rainick Lotsa Heart) on the birth certificates before that mess gets entered into the system, their parents kept with tradition by renewing their vows (aka the lyrics to "Touch My Body").

Every wedding anniversary Mimi and Nick re-caulk their love with the glitter syrup that drips off the words in their vows, and they weren't going to let a little thing called "raw C-section stitches" get in the way of them doing it this year.

UsWeekly says that Rev. Al Sharpton conducted the ceremony in the hospital yesterday, which leads me to ask: IS ANYBODY THINKING ABOUT THE BABIES?! Just imagine that you're opening your eyes for the first time and there you see your mother lying in a tub full of pink rose petals with a bedazzled unicorn horn veil on her head and two shirtless man slaves in butterfly thongs sprinkling heart confetti all over her as Rev. Al Sharpton recites the sappiest lines every written by a human being. #dempoorbabies are still wiping the rainbow-colored cheese out of their tiny eyes.

If you saw a rainbow shaking in the sky yesterday, then you witnessed the moment Mimi's twin unicorlings started to finally push themselves out of her down low glitter heart, but she desperately wanted them to be born on the day of her 3rd wedding anniversary with Nick Cannon, so she held her vagina tight the same way she holds an earth-shattering high note. And then at around 12:07pm EST today, she finally exhaled and out poured a pair of candy coated babies who brought with them a placenta made of Jolly Ranchers and their first cry is expected to debut at #1 on iTunes charts later today (TRUTH NOTE: She probably had her C-section scheduled for today).

Yes, after being pregnant for at least two centuries, thee Mimi has finally given thee birth! AND THE LAMBS AND UNICORNS CRY IN UNISON!!!!! Here's the announcement the cherubs carried on a Lisa Frank scroll to People:

Carey, 42, delivered the babies Saturday at 12:07 p.m. EST at an undisclosed hospital in Los Angeles. Carey's representative, Cindi Berger, confirmed the births to The Associated Press, saying the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs., 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.

Berger tells PEOPLE "she's doing great" and they were listening to Carey's "We Belong Together" after the children were born. "I spoke to both of them and they are both completely overjoyed."

Asked if the birth was planned to coincide with her anniversary, she said: "No, not even Mariah could plan that."

"Nick was very nervous and Mariah was completely calm. Mariah thought it was another soft labor and Nick was driving her to the hospital and she very calm and the music was blasting," she added. "When they walked into the hospital, [Nick] was going the wrong way and they nurse redirected them to go the maternity ward, and I said to her, 'that's right out of I Love Lucy,' and she laughed."

Mimi and Nick have yet to release their babies' names, because they're waiting for the trademark to be approved and their lawyers are checking to see if they will have any copyright issues if they name one of them after a Gummi Bears character.

There's no doubt that Mimi and Nick will give them a name worthy of a gay Care Bear whose ass spits sequins. Like you would ever hear Mimi scream, "Jennifer, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions or the strawberry-flavored ones?" More like, "Butterfly Fantasy Honey, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions of the strawberry-flavored ones?" And that will be the boys' name.

Dressed like my cousin stopping by the WIC office before going to a formal engagement party at the Olive Garden, Mimi and her manchild husband visited a community medical center (aka a free clinic for the wealthy) in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. Maybe they were there to speak to a mental health professional about why the fuck they look like bitches from True Life: I Can't Stop Dressing Like A 15-year-old.

No, I shouldn't be like that. Mimi knows best. Nothing makes your unicorn toe kick like Spanx brand sweats, heels and the tackiest piece of joo-ree ever made.

Doesn't it give you a warm feeling inside (note: that could be gas) knowing that IN THIS ECONOMY a man can still use his wife's credit card to buy her a sparkly piece of tacky shit ridiculousness?

Mimi and Nick Cannon renewed their vows AGAIN on Friday night, and he gave her blinged out candy ring pop for an anniversary gift. That mess is made of white gold and encrusted with diamonds and pink sapphires.

That ring almost cut up Mimi's organs after she devoured it whole thinking it was a real candy pop. But a few hours later, Nick felt joy in his heart as he watched Mimi's face light up when she shat out diamonds and sapphires into her Hello Shitty toilet.

Source: People via Buzzfeed

You know that rainbow butterfly sugarshake called "Obsessed" that Mimi put out (it's okay if you already forgot about it)? The story goes that the song is about Eminem, but Mimi shook her head "no" when asked about it (SPOILER ALERT: She was lying). Well, Eminem is not just going to sit around eating ham and donut sandwiches and let her do him like. No, Eminem squeezed his ass cheeks together and put out a response that is giving me the hard shits.

Eminem is serious! Dude even chirps that he has some pictures which proves they bumped tittays in the dead of night. Release that shit to the masses! But make sure you pass them through Mimi's personal Photoshop team first.

You know, this shit sounds like every voicemail I left for my ex-boyfriends after they dumped my ass! I'm pretty sure I've used the line "Like I'm gonna sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt" at least a dozen times."

And I hope that when Mimi finally gets off from the floor after blacking out from listening to this, she gits him back! The other kids in the playground are waiting!

VIA RapRadar