Jodie Foster

Somewhere in between asking for a wolf whistle, name dropping Honey Boo Boo and declaring that she's a single gayelle, I thought Jodie Foster also officially announced her retirement from doing acting stuff. I should've asked Detective La Toya, Robert Langdon and the Scooby Doo Gang to decipher her speech before I came to that conclusion, because she didn't retire from doing acting stuff. After Jodie Foster gave the most amazing coming out speech since one of my friends came out to his mom by saying, "Yes, mom, I like dick, so stop asking," she went backstage to the press room and let bitches know that she didn't announce her retirement from acting.

"I could never stop acting. You'd have to drag me behind, like, a team of horses. No, I'm not retiring from acting. And, you know, I'd like to be directing tomorrow . . . I'm actually more into it than I have ever been. [My point was] that people change. Change is important. And, you know, hopefully I'll be doing different things than I did when I was three years old and six years old and ten years old and 20 years old . . . My work is evolving."

Jodie also said that the rest of her speech "speaks for itself." Okay, if that's the case, then Jodie's speech is telling me that she dropped acid and chased it with cat tranquilizers before she went on stage, because  she looked like she was tripping while falling down a never-ending K-hole. But I'm glad Jodie cleared that up. Jodie is still a lesbian, still gave a magical and wondrous speech, and there's a chance she'll star in a remake of Nell. Chicka, chickabee. (Fun Fact: Every single one of Honey Boo Boo's family members got their nickname from a Nell phrase.)

Jodie Foster has been the FourSquare Mayor of the Glass Closet for what feels like centuries and she's sort of dropped hints here and there about how she likes to slurp on lady clit, but at the Golden Globes tonight she fully came out as a card-carrying member of Home Depot. I think. Jodie got the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes and during her rambling speech she name dropped Honey Boo Boo, introduced the dude who co-parents her kids, retired from acting and then she let the coochie out of the bag. I didn't know if I was the one on shrooms or if Jodie Foster was the one on shrooms? Or both!

Jodie went on about how she came out to her friends and family a million years ago, but that was before hos declared "YUP, I'M GAY!" on the cover of People Magazine, so she never told the public. And then she name checked Honey Boo Boo. via Towleroad

"I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her. To everyone she actually met. But now, apparently I’m told, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a primetime reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I’m not Honey Boo Boo child."

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I let out a "DUH?!" Do I praise St. Rojo Caliente for Jodie finally declaring her love of snatch? I don't know what to do, because I don't know what was going on in that speech. I'll just do what Mel Gibson did:

Yes, that's Mel's "Wait, I worked with a lesbian?" face.

But seriously, that is how you come out. You come out in a rambling, magical and weird coming out speech where you namedrop Honey Boo Boo. Congrats to Jodie and congrats to Honey Boo Boo!

Jodie Foster is sort of like the unofficial Captain Save-A-Ho of Hollywood, because she seems to always come to the defense of floundering hos everyone is shitting on. Jodie defended Mel Gibson's shitty ass when everyone hated on him for being an anti-Semitic, blow job-needing ass boil marinating in dirty jacuzzi water. And now Jodie is pulling out her shank and defending Kristen Stewart who starred with her in The Panic Room.

In Jodie Foster's piece for The Daily Beast, she starts off by writing that if she was a young actress today, she would've immediately checked out of the Hollywood game to keep the media from knocking pussies out of her mouth with their cameras. I put it much more eloquently than Jodie did, but that's basically what she said. Jodie says that the media lifts up young celebrities only to later tear them down and punch their souls into dust. Jodie goes on to write that she met a 10-year-old Kristen Stewart on the set of The Panic Room and grew to love her. Jodie once told Kristen Stewart's mom to try to talk her out of doing the acting thing, but her mom said that it's what she wanted.

Jodie then writes some ultra dramatic shit about how KStew was probably an innocent white-haired child who freely danced around at the beach and now she's a hard shell of bad bitch who is constantly getting attacked by the paparazzi. In other words, Jodie's been hitting the bong KStew got her for her birthday:

There’s this image I have of a perfect moment. It comes to me as a square format 8mm home movie with ’70s oversaturated reds and blues, no sound, just a scratchy loop … there’s a little white-haired girl twirling in the surf. She’s singing at the top of her lungs, jumping and spinning around in the cold water, all salty, sandy, full of joy and confidence. She’s unconscious of the camera, of course, in her own world. The camera shakes a little. Perhaps her mom’s laughing behind the lens. Could a child be more loved than in this moment? She’s perfect. She is absolutely perfect.

Cut to: Today … A beautiful young woman strides down the sidewalk alone, head down, hands drawn into fists. She’s walking fast, darting around huge men with black cameras thrusting at her mouth and chest. “Kristen, how do you feel?” “Smile Kris!” “Hey, hey, did you get her?” “I got her. I got her!” The young woman doesn’t cry. Fuck no. She doesn’t look up. She’s learned. She keeps her head down, her shades on, fists in her pockets. Don’t speak. Don’t look. Don’t cry.

My mother had a saying that she doled out after every small injustice, every heartbreak, every moment of abject suffering. “This too shall pass.” God, I hated that phrase. It always seemed so banal and out of touch, like she was telling me my pain was irrelevant. Now it just seems quaint, but oddly true … Eventually this all passes. The public horrors of today eventually blow away. And, yes, you are changed by the awful wake of reckoning they leave behind. You trust less. You calculate your steps. You survive. Hopefully in the process you don’t lose your ability to throw your arms in the air again and spin in wild abandon. That is the ultimate F.U. and—finally—the most beautiful survival tool of all. Don’t let them take that away from you.

THE DRAMA! Get a grip, Jodie.

Jodie's piece is really well-written and you can get it all here if you want it, but what she basically says is that the media sucks, hos need to chill, Kristen Stewart's life is hard, the beach is fun and everyone should respect the "privacy please" sign hanging on a famous actor's front door. I get it. But Jodie forget to write a little open note to KStew: the next time you want a married dude to lick your punane, take it inside. Now those are words to live by.

And some of you probably didn't even read any of the words above, because you're still getting over the fact that it was Kristen Stewart in The Panic Room and not one of the Culkin boys.

That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!

Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.

After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....

“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.

Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."

Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.

The way I see it there's three kind of people:

1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!

2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.

3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.

Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!

Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.

Besides jacuzzi jets, Charlie Sheen and the KKK, Jodie Foster has been one of Mel Gibson's constant supporters and won't hold back when gushing sweet syrupy words that are strangely the same consistency of butt pimple puss. Shortly after all of our ears were raped by a pack of Mel Gibsons, Jodie was one of the first to come to his defense. Jodie is at it again. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their movie The Beaver (that title is still TOO EASY), Jodie continued to pour out love for Mel.

Jodie is laying it on so thick that you'd think Mad Mel broke into her trailer, stole a lesbian fuck tape off her laptop and is threatening to leak it through the Internet pipes unless she only has kind words for him from now on. Or maybe Jodie just has a movie to sell.

Roll your titties in a bowl of azucar and read what Jodie had to say about her beloved Mel:

Jodie on how Mel is yarmulke full of love: “He’s so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is. He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he’s not saintly, and he’s got a big mouth, and he’ll do gross things your nephew would do. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life.”

Jodie on how Mel has human organs despite what you've heard: “I know him in a very complex way. He’s a real person; he’s not a cardboard cutout. I know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don’t just walk away from them when they are struggling.”

Jodie on how Mel came to her during the whole OctoSana explosion: “We talked about it all the way through, about what was going on in his life. I don’t think he told me until it was something he couldn’t handle by himself.”

Jodie on Mel's insane rants: “I knew about that. He was upset. Then, on the last day of reshoots of Mel, it all came out.”

Jodie continuing to jack Mel off with a Fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's cooch: “God, I love that man. The performance he gave in this movie, I will always be grateful for. He brought a lifetime of pain to the character that we’ve been talking about for years, that I knew was part of his psyche and who he is. It’s part of him that is beautiful and that I want people to know, too. I can’t ever regret that.”

We get it, Jodie! Damn. You love Mel so much that you just want to wrap in him in a giant vagina and eat him up! You'd think Mel blew Jodie before Jacuzzi.

And I don't have a nephew, but I'd like to think that if I did he'd never tell anyone to blow him before Jacuzzi. I mean, toddlers shouldn't go in the Jacuzzi!

For a second there it seemed like the Jodie Foster-directed The Beaver starring Mel Gibson was going to go straight into the KKK's media library, but it will blow into theaters in the Spring after all and here's the first trailer for it.

You know, I'm not really sure how to feel about this. I went in expecting to have a glum cunt look on my face throughout the entire trailer, but there's small parts of it that kind of worked for me. I mean, who doesn't love a talking dumpster beaver (just ignore that it's attached to Mel) and Frightened Rabbit? However, the part where Jodie Foster pushes a beaver away to hold Mad Mel's asshole face is ridiculous! Like Jodie would choose dickass Mel over a beaver? Shit, like any of us would choose fuckwat Mel over a beaver. On a positive note, if this shit becomes a hit, that means we'll be one step closer to an UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER movie! Nikki Cox needs another comeback.

And expect the "BLOOOOOW ME BEAVER" mash-ups in 3..2..

A 17-year-old boy can't even watch five seconds of Maverick without pissing his panties and bawling into his mother's arms, because he has been left traumatized after scary ass Jodie Foster attacked him at The Grove in L.A. Yeah, uh huh.

The boy's father tells Radar that his son his a huge Jodie Foster fan so he was really excited when he saw her at The Grove with her kids. The father (who wishes to remain anonymous, because his last name is probably Hinckley) went on to explain, "He saw Jodie Foster and is a big fan so went over and took a picture of her. She came after him, poked him in the chest and said, 'Do you even have a mother you slime ball?' Jodie pushed and shoved him leaving scratches and bruises on his arm. He didn't mouth back at all and was scared of her. At one point Jodie's son even came over to my son and apologized. Her kids were really embarrassed. This left a really bad impression on my son about her. He used to be a big fan and now he has a bad taste in his mouth. He's a good kid; kind of small for his age. There was no threat to Jodie."

The 17-year-old's family even filed a police report, but the authorities most likely aren't going to do anything about it since it's a "he said, she said" type of case. And because, the 17-year-old spelled Jodie's name wrong on the report.

That boy needs to fill a hot bath with Mr. Bubbles (in scent: STFU) and marinate in it for a long ass time, because that fishy scent is lingering all around him. And not because Jodie Foster breathed hard in his face. This bitch is just out for a quick dime. I mean, what 17-year-old is a mega Jodie Foster fan? That's like a grown ass gay bitch being completely and insanely obsessed with Cynthia Nixon's life partner to the point where he dresses his dog up like her. Oh. Wait.

UPDATE: Jodie's rep says the dude is full of lies. The rep tells People, "This guy was most definitely a professional paparazzo. He had a large camera bag and 1000mm telephoto lens. He tailed Jodie and followed her all the way from the movie theater to the valet. He crowded her and her two young children and took photos of them the whole time. This guy's behavior was completely inappropriate. and the police report is a fabrication of the incident."

This weekend in Los Angeles, there's going to be an award show held every damn half hour. I think Denny's is giving out their Rooty Tooty Fresh In Movies Awards this afternoon (hosted by Kirstie Alley's nutritionist). Last night was the Independent Spirit Awards, which honors independent spirits or some shit.

Precious was the big (no pun intended) last night picking up a million awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress for Mo'nique, Best Screenplay, and Best Performance By A Plate of Hairy Pig's Feet (which surprisingly did not go to Mimi). Unfortunately, those dumb bitches didn't give a nod to Mimi's stache, which was the real star of that movie. However, Mimi still showed up to sprinkle her Hello Kitty ho-ness all over the event....and because she heard the bottle pop.

Other awards went to Jeff Bridges in Cray-Cray Heart for Best Actor and Woody Harrelson in The Messenger for Best Supporting Actor.

And now for pictures! In order: Mimi, Maggie GyllenSAAG with Peter Sarsgaard, Pierce Brosnan with his wife Keely, Roger Ebert with his wife Chaz, The Beaver Director Jodie Foster (that's her new full name now), Mo'nique (and her furry caterpillar stems) with her husband Sidney, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Mena Suvari, Lenny Kravitz with his daughter Zoe, Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, Jennifer Grey (A MESS), John Waters and Jeff Bridges.

Usually when you see a crazed Mel Gibson running around the streets with a fat beaver in his hand, you can assume that there's a dozen empty Jack Daniels bottles laying around nearby with his saliva all over their tips. But this time, Mel's fisting a rabid beaver for a movie! The movie is called The Beaver and Jodie Foster is directing it as well as co-starring in it. Yes, a movie about a beaver directed by Jodie Foster and starring Mel Gibson. This whole post is like a drunken amputee whore. It just gets easier and easier.

I'm sure that beaver came from Jodie's personal collection. And notice how angry that beaver looks. Can't blame it. If Sugar Tits had his finger up your beaver, it would be snarling too.

And don't blow all your Catholic beaver jokes on this post. Shooting just started, so I'm sure there will be a zillion more pictures of Mel Gibson chasing a rabid beaver. Save up!

If Jodie Foster can't keep her vagina in her pants, who can? I know I can't. The National Enquirer claims Jodie Foster cheated on her woman of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, with movie producer Cindy Mort (above). Cindy used to bump oysters with Melanie Mayron from thirtysomething. The two crazy gals have two kids together. Jodie and Cydney are also raising two kids together.

Lesbian homewreckers exist?! I thought they were just an urban legend.

A source said, "Although she and Cydney remain under the same roof at the moment, the relationship has been shattered. They’ll continue to raise the boys together and try to keep a loving family unit despite their breakup. The love is gone."

Jodie plans to move to another one of her Hollywood Hills home and Cydney will live in another.

There's really no such thing as monogamy anymore. Lesbians are supposed to set the bar.

And how many times do you think Jodie has accidentally screamed "Cydney" while doing the scissor with Cindy? Awkward!!!!

Thanks Christine