Jodie Foster

That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!

Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.

After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....

“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.

Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."

Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.

The way I see it there's three kind of people:

1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!

2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.

3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.

Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!

Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.

Besides jacuzzi jets, Charlie Sheen and the KKK, Jodie Foster has been one of Mel Gibson's constant supporters and won't hold back when gushing sweet syrupy words that are strangely the same consistency of butt pimple puss. Shortly after all of our ears were raped by a pack of Mel Gibsons, Jodie was one of the first to come to his defense. Jodie is at it again. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their movie The Beaver (that title is still TOO EASY), Jodie continued to pour out love for Mel.

Jodie is laying it on so thick that you'd think Mad Mel broke into her trailer, stole a lesbian fuck tape off her laptop and is threatening to leak it through the Internet pipes unless she only has kind words for him from now on. Or maybe Jodie just has a movie to sell.

Roll your titties in a bowl of azucar and read what Jodie had to say about her beloved Mel:

Jodie on how Mel is yarmulke full of love: “He’s so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is. He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he’s not saintly, and he’s got a big mouth, and he’ll do gross things your nephew would do. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life.”

Jodie on how Mel has human organs despite what you've heard: “I know him in a very complex way. He’s a real person; he’s not a cardboard cutout. I know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don’t just walk away from them when they are struggling.”

Jodie on how Mel came to her during the whole OctoSana explosion: “We talked about it all the way through, about what was going on in his life. I don’t think he told me until it was something he couldn’t handle by himself.”

Jodie on Mel's insane rants: “I knew about that. He was upset. Then, on the last day of reshoots of Mel, it all came out.”

Jodie continuing to jack Mel off with a Fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's cooch: “God, I love that man. The performance he gave in this movie, I will always be grateful for. He brought a lifetime of pain to the character that we’ve been talking about for years, that I knew was part of his psyche and who he is. It’s part of him that is beautiful and that I want people to know, too. I can’t ever regret that.”

We get it, Jodie! Damn. You love Mel so much that you just want to wrap in him in a giant vagina and eat him up! You'd think Mel blew Jodie before Jacuzzi.

And I don't have a nephew, but I'd like to think that if I did he'd never tell anyone to blow him before Jacuzzi. I mean, toddlers shouldn't go in the Jacuzzi!

For a second there it seemed like the Jodie Foster-directed The Beaver starring Mel Gibson was going to go straight into the KKK's media library, but it will blow into theaters in the Spring after all and here's the first trailer for it.

You know, I'm not really sure how to feel about this. I went in expecting to have a glum cunt look on my face throughout the entire trailer, but there's small parts of it that kind of worked for me. I mean, who doesn't love a talking dumpster beaver (just ignore that it's attached to Mel) and Frightened Rabbit? However, the part where Jodie Foster pushes a beaver away to hold Mad Mel's asshole face is ridiculous! Like Jodie would choose dickass Mel over a beaver? Shit, like any of us would choose fuckwat Mel over a beaver. On a positive note, if this shit becomes a hit, that means we'll be one step closer to an UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER movie! Nikki Cox needs another comeback.

And expect the "BLOOOOOW ME BEAVER" mash-ups in 3..2..

A 17-year-old boy can't even watch five seconds of Maverick without pissing his panties and bawling into his mother's arms, because he has been left traumatized after scary ass Jodie Foster attacked him at The Grove in L.A. Yeah, uh huh.

The boy's father tells Radar that his son his a huge Jodie Foster fan so he was really excited when he saw her at The Grove with her kids. The father (who wishes to remain anonymous, because his last name is probably Hinckley) went on to explain, "He saw Jodie Foster and is a big fan so went over and took a picture of her. She came after him, poked him in the chest and said, 'Do you even have a mother you slime ball?' Jodie pushed and shoved him leaving scratches and bruises on his arm. He didn't mouth back at all and was scared of her. At one point Jodie's son even came over to my son and apologized. Her kids were really embarrassed. This left a really bad impression on my son about her. He used to be a big fan and now he has a bad taste in his mouth. He's a good kid; kind of small for his age. There was no threat to Jodie."

The 17-year-old's family even filed a police report, but the authorities most likely aren't going to do anything about it since it's a "he said, she said" type of case. And because, the 17-year-old spelled Jodie's name wrong on the report.

That boy needs to fill a hot bath with Mr. Bubbles (in scent: STFU) and marinate in it for a long ass time, because that fishy scent is lingering all around him. And not because Jodie Foster breathed hard in his face. This bitch is just out for a quick dime. I mean, what 17-year-old is a mega Jodie Foster fan? That's like a grown ass gay bitch being completely and insanely obsessed with Cynthia Nixon's life partner to the point where he dresses his dog up like her. Oh. Wait.

UPDATE: Jodie's rep says the dude is full of lies. The rep tells People, "This guy was most definitely a professional paparazzo. He had a large camera bag and 1000mm telephoto lens. He tailed Jodie and followed her all the way from the movie theater to the valet. He crowded her and her two young children and took photos of them the whole time. This guy's behavior was completely inappropriate. and the police report is a fabrication of the incident."

This weekend in Los Angeles, there's going to be an award show held every damn half hour. I think Denny's is giving out their Rooty Tooty Fresh In Movies Awards this afternoon (hosted by Kirstie Alley's nutritionist). Last night was the Independent Spirit Awards, which honors independent spirits or some shit.

Precious was the big (no pun intended) last night picking up a million awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress for Mo'nique, Best Screenplay, and Best Performance By A Plate of Hairy Pig's Feet (which surprisingly did not go to Mimi). Unfortunately, those dumb bitches didn't give a nod to Mimi's stache, which was the real star of that movie. However, Mimi still showed up to sprinkle her Hello Kitty ho-ness all over the event....and because she heard the bottle pop.

Other awards went to Jeff Bridges in Cray-Cray Heart for Best Actor and Woody Harrelson in The Messenger for Best Supporting Actor.

And now for pictures! In order: Mimi, Maggie GyllenSAAG with Peter Sarsgaard, Pierce Brosnan with his wife Keely, Roger Ebert with his wife Chaz, The Beaver Director Jodie Foster (that's her new full name now), Mo'nique (and her furry caterpillar stems) with her husband Sidney, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Mena Suvari, Lenny Kravitz with his daughter Zoe, Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, Jennifer Grey (A MESS), John Waters and Jeff Bridges.

Usually when you see a crazed Mel Gibson running around the streets with a fat beaver in his hand, you can assume that there's a dozen empty Jack Daniels bottles laying around nearby with his saliva all over their tips. But this time, Mel's fisting a rabid beaver for a movie! The movie is called The Beaver and Jodie Foster is directing it as well as co-starring in it. Yes, a movie about a beaver directed by Jodie Foster and starring Mel Gibson. This whole post is like a drunken amputee whore. It just gets easier and easier.

I'm sure that beaver came from Jodie's personal collection. And notice how angry that beaver looks. Can't blame it. If Sugar Tits had his finger up your beaver, it would be snarling too.

And don't blow all your Catholic beaver jokes on this post. Shooting just started, so I'm sure there will be a zillion more pictures of Mel Gibson chasing a rabid beaver. Save up!

If Jodie Foster can't keep her vagina in her pants, who can? I know I can't. The National Enquirer claims Jodie Foster cheated on her woman of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, with movie producer Cindy Mort (above). Cindy used to bump oysters with Melanie Mayron from thirtysomething. The two crazy gals have two kids together. Jodie and Cydney are also raising two kids together.

Lesbian homewreckers exist?! I thought they were just an urban legend.

A source said, "Although she and Cydney remain under the same roof at the moment, the relationship has been shattered. They’ll continue to raise the boys together and try to keep a loving family unit despite their breakup. The love is gone."

Jodie plans to move to another one of her Hollywood Hills home and Cydney will live in another.

There's really no such thing as monogamy anymore. Lesbians are supposed to set the bar.

And how many times do you think Jodie has accidentally screamed "Cydney" while doing the scissor with Cindy? Awkward!!!!

Thanks Christine

A few months ago, Jodie Foster accepted an award and thanked her "beautiful Cydney, who sticks by me through all the rotten and the bliss." Some think this was Jodie's way of coming out and publicly acknowledging she likes to eat Cydney Bernard's tartar sauce. Well, The National Enquirer (via DM) claims their beautiful lesbian union has come to an end! Hurry! Put on an Ani DiFranco song. I need some lesbian comfort.

A source didn't say why Jodie ended her 14-year relationship with Cydney. They did say, "Jodie's break up with Cydney is shocking. She and Cydney have been together for so many years and have two children together - the potential fallout and legal wrangling from this could be monumental."

This is not supposed to happen. Lesbian couples never break up. The pyramids in Egypt will crumble, but lesbian relationships will live on for eternity. Seriously, lesbians stay together for like eons.

Hmm....who can we set Jodie up with now that she's single? She needs someone younger, sexier and more feminine. I'm thinking Clay Gayken.

Thanks Lollipop