Owen Wilson

The Daily Mail reports that the Butterscotch Stallion has galloped away from the mother of his 5-month-old, because he still has more wild sows to oat (That's how the saying goes right?) and he'd rather fill his feed bag with random vaginas than look at the same face every single morning.

A source says that Owen Wilson wanted to make it work with Jade Duell, but he also wanted to live like a single man slut. So he asked Jade if she would be open to letting him stick his crooked penis nose on the crotch of his side pieces as long as he came home every night to her and their son Robert Ford. Jade basically answered Owen with this. A source explained it like this:

"Owen wanted the freedom to do what he wanted with his friends, both male and female, while remaining a family unit with Jade and the baby. But Jade wasn't willing to go along with that, so Owen decided to end things with her instead of cheating behind her back."

If Vanilla Gorilla and Tiger Woods subscribed to Owen Wilson's way of thinking, they wouldn't be card carrying members of The Selfish Douchewhore Club and most of us wouldn't have syphilis of the retinas from staring at Boobshit McGross in her tell-all interviews. Seriously, if VG broke up with Sandra Bullock before hailing his dick into any slut with a neck tattoo, Bombshell McGee's 15 minutes would've never started. So we should send Owen a thank you basket of morning after pills for ending his relationship before whoring it up. Think of all the Rachel Uchitels he saved us from having to meet.

Owen Wilson must've announced that he's going to be a dad as soon as his girlfriend, Jade Duell (or Buell, one of those), dropped a waterfall of baby fluid, because their kid is already breathing air amongst us. Owen's rep confirmed the BABY!!!!! BOY news to People and everyone is doing well...blah...blah...burp.

Star Magazine offered up a few more details. They say Jade, who works as a federal air marshal, gave birth at Owen's fancy waterfront home in Maui yesterday morning at exactly 10:47. Owen seems like the type who would be into his girlfriend launching out their baby on a Slip 'N Slide, so it was a water birth and Jade pushed with the help of a midwife. And as soon as their baby came yodeling into the world, Owen chewed the belly cord off with his gnarly teeth, grabbed his son, ran to the beach and held him up Lion King-style as the dolphins clapped.

That didn't happen, but a source did say that Owen did a congratulatory "hula dance" all day. Yeah, I'm sure that was shortly after he passed around blue joints to his friends.

Owen's rep didn't give up their son's name, but I'm sure they haven't gotten around to it yet. They've been too busy holding a mirror up to their baby's face and trying to calm his screeching cries of uncertainty by telling him that his nose is never going to look like a mangled peen.

If rain isn't falling from the sky then snow is. If snow isn't falling from the sky then dead birds are. If dead birds aren't falling from the sky then BABIES!!!!! are. One of those BABIES!!! falling from the sky used to be a tiny spermling hanging out in Owen Wilson's nutsack. Owen Wilson's rep confirms to Entertainment Weekly that his 42-year-old ass is going to become a father for the very first time. The mother of his child is his girlfriend of a year Jade Duell.

Owen's rep basically just confirmed that Jade's knocked up and said that both of them are really happy. Thankfully, he kept it simple and didn't say they were "Over the Moon" happy. One of Owen's friends tells UsWeekly that Jade is due any day now.

My only thought about this news is that it sort of sucks that Owen's nose didn't come naturally (he broke it in a high school football accident). I mean, I know that if I was a baby I'd want a nose that looks like a pinched and crooked peen with an extra long urethra.

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson were on Germany's Wetten Dass... to promote that movie about a dead dog when they had to eat a doggy biscuit after losing a bet. The words "TOO FUCKING EASY" just flashed in front of me.

People says that the bet was that a woman claimed she could correctly identity her team of Husky dogs just from listening to them drink soup. Owen didn't think the bitch could do it while Jenny did. The woman won and Owen had to eat his words in the form of a dog cookie. Even though Jenny guessed right, she still had to join Owen. It was nothing for her. She's put worse things in her mouth. I mean, John Mayer anyone?

Jenny handled it like a champ and didn't break down once! I would expect her to chew on the biscuit and then cry, "Dog biscuits remind me of puppies, which reminds me of cuddles, which reminds me of true love, which reminds me of Brad Pitt, which reminds me of eternal loneliness!!!!"

The host should have given Jenny a little pat on the head for a job well done. A pat with a handful of Frizz-Ease.

Owen Wilson really needs a bag full of hugs and an ice cream cone with extra sprinkles on top, because it sounds like he hates himself. Why else would he date that wretched hag Kate Hudson again?! Hug a teddy bear, Owen. Don't hug a Hudson!

According to People's people, Kate and her kid spent their entire Sunday at Owen's house in Malibu. A source declared, "They're back together!" The suicide watch starts now.

Kate and Owen first dated in 2006. They have been on-and-off (mostly off) since.

You know, I shouldn't hate on their love, but Kate Hudson is just....UGH. She strikes me as one of those bitches who complains about everything! Bitch probably moans when Owen pees too loud or when he says "Hi" in the wrong tone. Bitches like that make you want to pull out your eyeballs and shove them in your ears, so you don't have to see or hear them any fucking more.

The premiere of Marley & Me in Los Angeles last night belonged to the real star of the movie, Clive the dog. Clive is the main bitch who played Marley opposite that naked lady and the dude who looks like he got into a fight with a frying pan and lost. Speaking of the naked lady, methinks Jennifer Aniston used Clive as inspiration for her "give doggy a bone" pose on GQ. And yes, that's Jennifer in the black dress below. I know, you can hardly recognize her with clothes on!

Speaking of, Jenny's naked ass was what everyone was asking about during last night's premiere. Jenny said, "I wasn't trying to make any statement." Cut to Clive yawning and then licking his no-nuts area. Of course, she was trying to make a statement. The statement being: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

When UsWeekly asked Jenny's lump of moldy caca boyfriend, John Mayer, about the pictures, he pulled out his portable stage, threw on a top hat, grabbed his cane, did a little tap dance number and then said, "If I have a problem with that cover, I should just pack up the Toyota and head out of town. I'm just gonna get ready to put my knuckles in the air for it. No, don't make me hold it - you're pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die."

He should get out of town anyway and immediately head to the nearest Chinese restaurant to serve soggy dumplings. I mean, he already has the outfit for it.

Here's a few more others who came out to celebrate Clive's big night including Courtney Cox who looks like she's been spending a lot of time with Demi Moore's private plastic surgeon.

I really should have titled this is "Kate Hudson's Vagina Needs To Take A Breather." Seriously, it's working overtime!

Kate has basically effed her way through most of Hollywood and NYC, so it's no surprise that she's going in for seconds. A source told Star Magazine that Kate has been burning up Owen Wilson's cell phone. Bitch wants a boot-ay call.

The source said, "He was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her." Owen's friends are afraid that he's going to fall for her again! Vaginamatized! "It's not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt," said the source.

Honestly, I'm more worried for Kate Hudson's vagina than I am for Owen's soul. Her vagina seriously needs to tour the vineyards of Napa, take a yoga class, read poetry or anything else that will calm it down. It's been working it to the pelvic bone.

I'm afraid that the next headline I read about Kate Hudson will be: "Kate Hudson's Vagina Checks Into Cedars-Sinai for Exhaustion."

Too bad the wedding was fake and the groom was Owen Wilson and not John Mayer. I'm sure in the privacy of her trailer, Jenny made Owen wear a Mayer mask just so she could pretend.

Anyway, Owen and Jenny filmed a wedding scene in fake snow on the Pennsylvania set of "Marley and Me" last night. I've seen so many pictures from this movie that it feels like I've already seen it.

In other old maid news, Jenny has been telling friends Mayer's sexay time skills are better than Brad Pitt's. A source told The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover. In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage.”

Don't listen to anything Jenny says! She's not thinking clearly. She's dickmatized.

Owen Wilson finally woke up from his 2-month walking coma. People reports that Owen and Kate Hudson have split up - AGAIN. The two started dating in 2006, but then they broke up and started dating again 2 months ago. There were rumors that Owen popped the question, because Kate was spotted wearing an engagement ring. The ring was a prop for her movie "Bride Wars."

A source close to Owen said it was a bad breakup for him, "Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn't want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him." A source close to Kate said, "She feels dumb thinking it was so serious." A source close to me said, "Who gives a rat's fuck hole?!"

Now Owen is free to date Jennifer Aniston or Reese Witherspoon. Kate Hudson is free to date John Mayer or Jakey Poo. I mean, they all date each other. It's like one big boring key party.