NKOTB

New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys got into a recording studio together and birthed out their new single called "Don't Turn Out The Lights." If you're too young or too old to orgasm out your 6th grade self who will run around the room freaking out about this, then you can at least memorize their new joint group name: NKOTBSB. That will definitely be the fourth line on your next eye exam test.

New Kids on the Backstreet Boys sounds like the name of a gay parody porn from 1999 that I would've spent 197 hours trying to download off of Napster thanks to my dial-up internet connection always getting interrupted by stupid ass phone calls! So last night was the American Music Awards and I still can't believe I watched the whole thing in its entirety. It felt like I was the only sober bitch at a rave circa 2000.

Enrique Iglesias tried to stroke out my endorphins with a glow stick light show, but it did nothing for me. The Black Eyed Peas (who make me want to give myself a damn black eye) tried to take my hand and lead me to the speaker so that I could put my ear to it and feel the bass hump my senses, but I left them hanging. And EVERYONE tried to get me to skip under a confetti money shot, but I couldn't even bother to get up. And seriously, what the hell was up with those confetti canons?! Is it necessary to bust out a confetti canon AFTER EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE?! A confetti canon is like a hard dick, after popping out its 10th load of the night on top your head, you start to think yourself, "When is it going to stop, because I really need to go and watch the Pawn Stars marathon." The only time I felt that the confetti canon CAME WITH FEELING was during the best performance of the night: NKOTBSB! And that's the only time I dropped E and started to feel the roll.

Seriously, when that line-up of hot old bitches grabbed at their crotches at the same time, every 30-something's panties blew off. Yup, that's why your panties ripped themselves off last night. And there you were thinking that your daily kegel exercises simply made your queefs stronger. Nope, it was the all-mighty simultaneous thrust of NKOTBSB! Staple your panties down to your desk and relive it all over again!

The NKOTB - Wait, before we start. I can never type out New Kids on the Block without laughing my gay ass off. They are some old ass looking New Kids. Hot as fuck, but old.

Ok, moving on. The NKOTB reunion just got sexier. People reports that they will record a song with New Edition. Fuck yes! The only way this could be better is if it was a group track featuring Sweet Sensation, Seduction, Expose, The Cover Girls, Stevie B, Lisa Lisa, Pebbles and the Jets. Only in my gay ass dreams.

The song is called "Full Service." One of the song's producers said, "Donnie Wahlberg had this idea for a few months, since New Kids had the idea of getting back together really. Donnie's been looking for that one track for all of them and I think we found it." The song will be featured on NKOTB's new album.

They better do a mash-up of "Cover Girl" and "Candy Girl" for the B-side. Candy Girl just makes you want to put on terry cloth coochie cutters and roller skate around the neighborhood with a lollipop in your mouth. If I did that in my neighborhood, I would be shanked in the gonads before ever leaving my front door.

When the Old Bitches on the Retirement Block announced their return, I nearly blew a wad of Pop Rocks. When they finally performed on "Today" or whatever, they were shaky, but I figured after a few pops of Viagra and a couple of rubs of Ben-Gay, they would get it together. Well, these bitches haven't. Last night, they performed at the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto and that shit is like a depressing movie. Every wobbly note they sang made me feel more and more empty inside.

They really should rename the tour, "The Mid-Life Crisis Tour of 2008," because that's what this shit looks like.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to waste money to see their mess in concert. I have to remember to bring a hanky and a teddy bear for hugging. This shit is going to be all sorts of sad.

Who the fuck knew a pre-nose-job Halle Berry dated Danny Wood of New Kids on the Block. Homegirl couldn't even get her some Jordan Knight?! Danny was like the basement new kid. The one we never talked about. It was probably Danny's braided rat tail that lured her in. And remember those ruffled shirts Halle is wearing? Oh hell no. I can't....

Here's more vintage NKOTB hotness. Seriously, they should wear this shit on their new tour. Go all out!

The "10-year-old girl from 1986" in me screamed a little when I first saw this NKOTB video for their new single "Summertime." Okay, okay. I am a 10-year-old girl from 1986. What's your point?

My only complaint is that the the rest of them needed to follow Joey McIntyre's lead and get completely topless. And yes, this shit is total cheese, but it's their first video in 45 years or something. As you can tell from their dance skills, it's been a while.

VIA Idolator

We're going to try this RedLasso shit again. They claim this crap is working again. Anyway, New Kids on the Block were on "Today" this morning. I'm so fucking glad I didn't drag my lazy ass out of my bed chamber for this shit. It's fucking raining! I don't care if they performed naked with Phoebe Price as their go-go dancer, nothing is worth standing in the rain for hours and hours. Okay, chocolate cake is, but they didn't have that.

Let's be honest, they sounded like a group of raccoons fighting in an empty garbage can. Who cares?! They are not known for their oral abilities. Well, Jordan is, but that's a different story!

Even if I did drag my gay ass up there, I would have been staring at their crazy fans instead. They are so hot. I could have made a killing if I set up a "moms jean" booth near the stage.

I can't wait to see these bitches live. I'm bringing my ear plugs, because I don't know if I can take hearing them sing live again. Blame it on the rain, that was fallin' falling.

Above is those hot pepaws performing "Right Stuff" and "Step By Step."

Click here to see "Summertime"

Click here to see "Tonight"

Click here to see their interview