Photoshop Awards

If you haven't had a few sips of your morning boiled meth tea then you might think these are pictures of Amanda LePore's doll. Amanda's dolly would look more lifelike than this fakery right here. This is ScarJo in some new ads for Moet & Chandon. When a champagne bottle has more life in it than the bitch it's posing with, then maybe it's time to take your mouse to "Quit Photoshop," walk away from the computer and go look at actual living things on the street. Your perspective have been fucked with.

This bitch has candle face! Not only does she have the personality of an unlit candle, but now she looks like one!

If only they could invent some kind of Photoshop tool they could use in movies to give the illusion that ScarJo is actually a good actress. Photoshop her fucking acting! Then the bitch would be complete.

Crash. Smash. Pink. Cheeto. Weave. Busted. Possum. Photo. Shop.

When you're looking at non-paparazzi pictures of Our Lady of Cheetos, it's pretty much known that they were sent through the ole' Photoshop wind tunnel at least a dozen times. But I think those whores got a little too excited. The bitch has no stomach! They slap chopped it in half! They could have spent more time making her weave look like a raccoon didn't just chew on the ends.

Anyireallywantagiantcheetoballwithmilkthismorning, these two works of CGI are for Brit Brit's ad campaign for Candie's. Their new day shift stripper collection is now available at Kohl's.

VIA Daily Mail

Kelly Clarkson is wasting her precious time posing in these photo shoos for her music shit. They are just going to make her look like a character in the new Pixar movie anyway. She might as well be doing other shit like, I don't know, kicking the whore who made her wear that fuckery.

Yeah, I don't know what happened with that outfit. Was it born from the Dollar Tree challenge on Project Runway? Because I see a feather duster, some placemats, a few safety pins and a kite. No bitch would want to hook up with her ass in that fugnesss, even if she wanted to.

And what is up with all those damn fucking sparklies?! You're not Robert Pattinson, bitch! Don't try to replicate the sparkly!

Hmm...I wonder how Valerie Bertinelli got into the "best shape of her life" at the age of 48? It was probably a little Jenny Craig, a little Pilates and a whole lot of motherfucking Photoshop! They stuck the Pshop wet vac in that bitch and just sucked away until they were left with this. Valerie's 48-year-old head on the body of a baby giraffe would've been more convincing.

This is one of those "fuck it" jobs. The bitch responsible for this just wanted to get this mess off their screen, so they could make 2-for-1 happy hour in time.

Valerie should also consult a medical professional, because it can't be healthy that her thighs and arms got a bad case of the jaggeds.

VIA Cover Awards

Complex Magazine posted a pre-Photoshopped picture of Kim Kardassian on their website and Animal NY caught it before it was switched out.

These are always fucking fun. There's a few differences I noticed right away. First, they bathed her ass in a little bleach. Then they rubbed out the vein farm and fromagerie on her thighs. After that, they sucked her in a bit and also sent her baby hairs to school for the day. While they were at it, they should've used the "sparkly eyes" tool to make her dead eyes (aka trying to be sexy eyes) look fucking alive.

What in the White Oprah dipped in diarrhea hell is this?! What is it? They tell me it's something called a Lindsay Lohan, but damn! They tried to Photoshop the cokeface off of her, but ended up turning her into a totally different species. And this crap is supposed to make you want to buy something she's selling! Hells no.

These two airbrushed to methland and back pictures are for HoHan's new line of caca in a spray bottle called Sevin Nyne. The number is important to her because it's probably the amount of times she ODed last year. Or maybe the number of genitals she licked on this month. Whatever. It means something.

When asked by People why she put out her own line of spray tan, she said, “As much as I love the sun, it is so bad for your skin. I have tried every product on the market and never found something that I loved. It was important to me to have a natural product that didn’t have a lot of dyes and chemicals. Our product has goji berry extract which has antioxidant properties, it has a natural golden color, it doesn’t streak and smells delicious — not like a typical tanning product.”

Translation: Bitch needs cash money. 8 balls and Red Bull don't come CHEAP!

Those of you who want to look like a Port-A-Potty full of orange doody exploded all over you can buy HoHan's crap at Sephora for $35 a bottle.

W Magazine should have spent less time making Drew Barrymore's face look like it's made out of porcelain and sold on QVC, and more time Photoshopping some VO5 hot oil on her mop. If you want hair like Drew's, just visit a damn barn. Shit.

If Drew ever finds herself in the same room as Pony Parker, she shouldn't be surprised when Pony starts snacking on her straw nest.

Stepford Katie's inner Thetans are glowing through her eyes on the cover of Glamour. Seriously, who do think they are fooling with his Photoshop fuckery?! Does Photoshop have a "life sucking" tool on it, because if it does, this cover needs more of it. You can't make eyes look less brainwash-ey just by changing the color. The L. Ron Hubbard is still shining through loud and fucking clear.

In the magazine, Stepford Katie brings the bores, but did pull a Chrissy Crocker and told everyone to LEAAAAAVE SURI ALOOOONE. When asked about all the rumors about Suri, she said, "Some of the stuff people said was such absolutely horrible things to say about a child. It was so uncalled for and so disgusting. Enough is enough. We were changing diapers. He (Tommy Girl) said, 'I don't want you to get upset.' And I said, 'Well, I am upset.'"

Well, I got the answer to the question "How many crazy alien robots does it take to change a diaper?" TWO! And Katie was so upset that she dressed Suri up in a little dress and then paraded her down the street like she was in a damn Little Miss Pageant.

And here's some pictures Katie wearing a necklace made out of Tommy's hairy ass dingles while out to dinner the other night. This haggard hag really looks like she "loves her life."

Lil' Kim doesn't even look like a human being anymore. Bitch looks like a straight-up house pussy. Bitch could slip into the cast of Garfield without a problem.

The costumers of Dancing with the Has-Beens better not give her anything with too much fringe, because she might stop dancing and start playing with that shit. And if she hears a loud noise, she's going to bolt out of that bitch and hide under the nearest bed. CHERYL BURKE is going to sabotage Lil' Kat by sprinkling cat nip all over the danceflooor. So when you see her rolling around the floor and purring, you know that's what happened. If Lil' Kat wins, they should give her a scratching post instead of a trophy. I'm serious.

Here's some of the rest of the mess cast including Steve-O, Ty Murray, Shawn Johnson, Steve Wozniak, Belinda Carlisle, Jewel, Cunty Richards, Nancy O'Hell and Giles Marini. Of course, they give Mop Head the hottest piece. And I can't wait to see Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff Ice. It's going to look like Teddy Ruxpin busting a move with a Bratz doll.

Visit Zap2It to see pictures of the rest of the hos in need a paycheck.

Beth Ditto once again bares her chitty balls on the cover of a magazine and this time it's for some shit called LOVE. My only question is: Where the eff are her nipples?! Are they camera shy, so they jumped off that bitch? Did the Shar Pei puppy on her back eat them?

The NSFWish version is after the jump and you tell me why they took a Magic Eraser to her nipples. We're nothing without our nipples! JUMP!!!