TomKat

Tommy Girl in a superhero movie? Unless it's "Supergirl" and he's in the title role, I'm not interested. I mean, he has the costume for it and everything.

Instead of following his destiny by playing "Supergirl," Tommy Girl will star in DC Comics "Sleeper" for Warner Bros. Sam Raimi will produce this mess. Warner Bros. is also hoping to turn it into a franchise. Currently no writer or director is attached to the project.

The Hollywood Reporter has more details on this shit fest:

Written by Ed Brubaker with art by Sean Phillips, "Sleeper," which ran from 2003-05, centers on an operative whose fusion with an alien artifact makes him impervious to pain and allows him to pass it on to others through skin contact. He is placed undercover in a villainous organization by an intelligence agency and falls for a member of the group, named Miss Misery.

Alien artifact? Are we sure this isn't called "The Tommy Girl" story? That synopsis sounds like it was ripped from the pages of his future autobiography.

Screw Tommy and his stupid movies! Suri is the one that should be on the silver screen. Look at her in these pictures below. She's the star of that family!

She's totally having an intense conversation with that doll. She's probably interviewing it for the position of her sibling. It's nice of Katie and Tommy to include Suri in the process.

There is absolutely no way that Katie Holmes' pegged nightmare jeans belong to Tommy Girl. Katie could wear Tommy's jeans as capris, maybe. I don't know why she would want to wear his jeans. That shit is probably stained with John Travolta's peen snot.

These two harebrained aliens walked to their car in NYC today without a care in the world. It seems that Katie only smiles around Tommy Girl. It's not that she wants to. It's that she HAS to. It's in her contract. Right under the clause that states she must moisturize his chode with barley lotion every Sunday. Or maybe Katie has some sort of "make me smile" button on her palm. That's why he's always grabbing on to her like she's a 12" dildo.

Here's Stepford Katie, her owner and Suri in red bouncing around NYC this afternoon.

Welcome back to The Katie Holmes Denim Watch '08! Although, Katie isn't wearing denim today. She's wearing what I call a "going to do laundry" outfit. It's also the only outfit you'd find hanging in HoHan's closet. It's pretty effin sad that I have no idea what I wore yesterday, but I know what this ho wore. I swear. I need a new hobby.

And when is this sad robot going to cheer up already! Being married to a crazy closet case and worshiping aliens isn't that bad! Okay, maybe it is.

Yes, Tommy Girl! We all know how much your ass can take. It's very impressive. We're very proud of you. Your asshole is grinning cheek to cheek. It's so happy for you.

Anycrazy, this is not Tommy Girl's year! He's been replaced by Saint Angelina in a movie, the studio doesn't want him in Mission Impossible 4 and his movie about the Nazis keeps getting pushed back. I just wish it would get pushed off the face of the earth already. Along with Tommy Girl. That wasn't mean of me to say! He's an alien! He can fly to his home planet.

Well, now his longtime partnership with Paula Wagner has come to an end. Paula announced that she is stepping down as co-owner and CEO of United Artists which ends her business sisterhood with Tommy. Paula said, "I'm finally rid of that crazy twat!" No, she really said, "I’ve truly relished working with my longtime partner Tom Cruise to revitalize United Artists, and I am proud of all that we’ve accomplished in the past two years, reinvigorating the brand and developing such a strong slate of films." Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade.

Since everything is falling on Tommy's peanut head, does this mean he's going to have an epic meltdown? I have my hard hat ready, just in case. I've been waiting for this shit. Now if we can only program Katie Holmes to leave Tommy Girl for his arch rival, Xenu.

You know who should play Freddy Krueger (see below)? Katie Holmes' pegged jeans! Those things are making people fuck their eyeballs with their pinky finger. Not me. I love them like a double-sided dildo. I was about to send out a search party for them! Thankfully, they have returned to me in all their fugly 80s glory! I would hug them if I saw them in person, but I would probably catch "The Scientology" from them.

And why is Katie covering herself with that alien case? She probably queefed out a little barley water. It's okay, Katie. Tommy Girl does that all the time.

A sad little Katie Holmes dragged herself into rehearsal this morning in NYC. She looks like a Morrissey song. Homebot needs a little hug and a cookie. Scratch that. She doesn't eat cookies. She needs a reboot and a new microchip.

Last night, Katie played the "happy wifey" at Tommy Girl's movie premiere in Los Angeles. She jumped on the family spaceship right after the premiere and made her way back to New York, where she's still rehearsing for "All My Sons."

Katie's probably depressed because everyone hated her tight rolled jeans. And by "everyone" I mean everyone but me. They grew on me. I like holding on to the past. I still have one of my fucking Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Saint Angelina barely gifted the world with the twin messiahs and she's already going back to work. Angie Jo is expected to replace Tommy Girl as the lead in "Edwin A. Salt." I'm guessing they're going to change the title to "Edwina A. Salt."

Tommy has been linked to the project for a while, but everyone involved probably changed their minds about him when said, "I want my character to have really big hands. HUGE hands. And I want him to dance around. Dancing and huge hands. Glib."

In "Salt," Angie will play "a CIA officer who's accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence." The movie is currently being rewritten for her.

Let's see, another action movie where Angie raises one eyebrow at least a dozen times, pouts while shooting a gun and does it all in leather pants. Lunesta fest! The studio should just put the movie together using clips from "Wanted," Mr. & Mrs. Smith," "Tomb Raider" and "Gone in Sixty Seconds." Maddox should be the lead in this Salt movie. Not Angie!

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We've seen ten thousand pictures of Stepford Katie and her denim friends, but strangely enough, Tommy Girl has been missing in action. Or missing in asshole. Yeah, that's probably where he was. The new alien dick pump worked a little too well, so he got stuck in Johnny Travolta's hungry hole. It took the other aliens a few gallons of barley water and many menacing pictures of Xenu to get them separated. Luckily, Tommy was pulled out in time for the "Tropic Thunder" premiere in Los Angeles last night.

Okay, did Carol Brady circa 1971 style Stepford Katie's hair and make-up. I mean, what in Florence Henderson hell is going on with that old lady hair from the 1970s? And doody lipstick? That's what Tommy Girl's lips look like after a "play date" with Johnny Travolta. Two aliens, one cup.

Tommy needs a little more height in his sneakers. Somebody please send him these Jessica Simpson wedges. Girlfriend would work the shit out of those shoes.

You can't convince me that Stepford Katie has an alien baby in her incubator. Tommy made her wear his butt pad on her stomach, just so they can make the gossip rags this week. Xenu help us all if she's bringing another alien robot into this world.

Tommy Girl makes a cameo in the upcoming "Tropic Thunder" and Ben Stiller told Elle Magazine (via MSNBC) that Tommy had some specific thoughts about his character.

Ben said, “Tom said… ‘I want to play the studio guy. I want to dance, and I want to have big hands.' I’d never thought about the size of a character’s hands, ever. …Tom was doing this little dance, and I was like, ‘This is insane. If this thing was on YouTube, it would be all over the world. It would be a crazy screensaver.’ ”

There's a simple explanation for this, of course. Tommy Girl asked for "bigger hands" because his baby gerbil fist isn't enough for John Travolta's hungry hole anymore. Johnny needs a watermelon. When Ben Stiller agreed, Tommy did his "horny alien dance" because he knew his bigger hands would make Johnny's hole slobber like a panting Mastiff on a hot summer's day.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "I wonder what Katie is wearing on her legs today?" No fucking joke. You know what? This is what Tommy Girl wants! I'm slowly becoming obsessed with her jeans. They are hypnotizing me. If I start craving barley and saying "glib" a lot, then I know I'm doomed.

She totally threw me off today. Black jeans? They look like JcPenney's version of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans for soccer moms. I'm hoping she's going to really throw me the fuck out of my chair tomorrow by wearing aqua acid washed overalls. I fucking hope!