TomKat

Yes, that headline quote is one hundred percent accurate. Tommy Girl cooed out those words after catching his own reflection in Stepford Katie's glazed over eyeballs. You really haven't seen your own reflection until you've seen it in a pair of face globes whose e-meter-induced sparkle hides the pieces of her soul trying to knock their way out of her head.

After days of dragging Suri out for staged photo-ops, Tommy Girl finally had his big premiere in NYC last night for Mission Impossible 4: You Try Getting Suri Into A Pair Of Flats, and he torched the red carpet by working the shit out of that flesh-colored cheek nipple on his face. Tommy didn't only make no-nos pucker by winking at the camera, but he also induced vomiting when he talked about Stepford Katie to People. Tommy said, "Every day I fall more in love with her. It's been quite an amazing five years because of her. She's an incredible woman. She's everything to me."

Tommy laid it on so slimy and thick that if he scooted his Scientolohole across that quote, he wouldn't ever have to reach for a bottle of ass lube again. Bitch's butt cunt would stay forever lubricated. Damn. I know Katie has been an indentured beard and Tommy will have a short (very short, shorter than him) case of the sads when he has to rip her off of his chin after their 10 year contract ends, but "EVERYTHING TO ME"?! Tommy should save those words for the L. Ron Hubbard hologram in his dungeon or his favorite pair of lifts. Not Katie. For shame.

Anyway, here's the whores and bores from last night's premiere. In order: Tommy & Katie, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton with Robin Thicke, Josh Holloway with his wife, Alan Thicke with his wife and Jeremy Renner.

Sad is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity" category on Jeopardy!.
Sadder is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children" category too.
Saddest is the fact that I would also sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children's Dolls" category too.

When I first saw these pictures of Suri Cruise pushing around her plastic baby while out with Stepford Katie in Malibu over the weekend, the reunion music from The Color Purple played as I remembered seeing that same doll years ago. Then, I even said to myself, "Oh, and Suri gave her a haircut!"

Yes, I actually remembered that Suri's doll used to have long busted hair and now it looks like it got a haircut. (A busted haircut that looks like it was done with Tommy Girl's teeth, but that's besides the point). I don't know whether to be proud that weed smoke hasn't completely eaten everything in my brain file labeled "memory" or to weep into the phone while calling DeVry to make a career change.

That being said, it's nice to see that Suri's scary doll still has the ability to eat at my soul after all these years.

It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube on the balcony of his Miami hotel. Let me correct myself. It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube that's not attached to a Dominican hustler. Much better. The air in Miami got even stickier yesterday when Tommy Girl busted out his Rock of Ages moves. Bitch became Lita Ford, then Debbie Harry, then Cher, then Madonna, then Pat Benatar in the blink of an eye! Dude's glitter hole was puckering so hard over these hot moves that if he backed up into the sliding glass door, he would've stuck to it.

You can't tell from these pictures, but a group of girls gathered below Tommy's balcony, took off their panties and threw them at him. Not because they want him to have their panties. But because we all know that the quickest way for Tommy to scatter and screech off a balcony is to throw girl panties at him. It works every time.

Later, Tommy G cooled his nipples by dipping into the pool while wearing the douche equivalent of a bathing cap. Oh, that Tommy. Always coming up with new ways to entertain us by acting like a complete ass.

What you're looking at is Tommy Girl's forehead vein throbbing like John Travolta's b-hole at a sauna party, because it's holding all the tension from him standing on top of his tippity tippity toes while he grits his teeth in a way that screams "takethepicturetakethepicturetakethepicture." The pain and stress was worth with it, because now we have this beautiful picture of Tommy rising above Elle Fanning at the Super 8 premiere in Los Angeles last night.

A Cheryl Cole-like blowout from his stylist and humming "I'm a big kid now" while slipping on a pair of fuck me boots were also important ingredients in taking Tommy up, up and away last night.

Tommy was filled with so much big boy confidence from being a tad bit taller than Elle that he wasn't even embarrassed when Pete Wentz had to big him a boost up to the adult urinal since the little boy's one was out of order. You go, TG!

Here's a bunch of pictures of the people who were excused by Tommy's beauty at last night's premiere. In oooorder: TG, Elle, Conan with his wife, Steven Spielberg with Kate Capshaw, Pete Wentz, Jorge Garcia, Jim Caviezel and Jenna Elfman with her own pocket-sized crazy.

Suri Cruise is the daughter of a Scientology queen and a robot who played American royalty in a TV miniseries once, so you would automatically expect her to cover her precious princess feet with the finest shoes that Tommy Girl's money can buy. And she does! That's what Star Magazine (via news.com.au) says. A source says that Suri's shoe collection is so massive and luxurious that it is worth more than some people's three bedroom home in Santiago, Chile (everything I learned about the price of real estate I learned from HHI).

Warning: Get ready to feel whatever emotions one feels when finding out that selling a 5-year-old's shoe collection could pay off your student loans. Apparently, Suri's got a $150,000 shoe collection. The source put it like this:

"Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.

It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”

Maybe it's because Veruca Salt is my favorite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory character, but I don't see the problem with this. If Katie and Tommy want to raise a spoiled snowflake who will eventually get arrested for slapping a Saks salesperson after they tell her they don't have her size, let them! Zsa Zsa Gabor is this close to skipping up the crystal drops to heaven and she needs a diva successor! Suri is that successor! So I say, keep on being shit parents, Tommy and Katie. Keep on!

Besides, when Suri outgrows her heels, she can give them to Tommy since they're just his size. Suri is not only helping the economy, but she's also being green!

(Thanks Nelson)

Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl's ability to skip along the sand in heels like it's the most natural thing in the world. Suri's daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver's annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same "....the hell is this?" look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don't understand!

If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri's ankle bones are screaming "NOOOO!" the same way Tommy Girl's prostate screams "NOOOO!" when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she's going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!

Katie, on the other hand, she's just a dumbass.

Unflattering pictures of Jennifer Aniston leaving a Mexican restaurant after swallowing tequila shots and tortilla balls were not available for OK Magazine's "YES, SHE'S PREGNANT" cover, so they went with Katie Holmes instead. Stepford Katie's rep has already blamed Photoshop wizardry on the reason why there are pictures of her with audit bloat, but OK's source say that she's lying and she really is pregnant with Suri's next torture victim.

This source says that Katie is telling her friends she's knocked up and is going to wait a little while longer before she makes the news public. One her friends told OK!, “She said she’s finally past the morning sickness phase. She was talking a mile a minute. She’s so excited.”

OK! really wants me to believe that between shooting movies and taking Suri for her daily photo-op strolls, Tommy actually found the time to cum into a frozen turkey baster (shoved gently up a male hustler's ass, of course) and then present it to an L. Ron Hubbard hologram in a lavish Scientology mating ritual? Yeah, no. It's not in the contract. I'll believe it when I see Katie shopping for tiny clothes at the tiny people store. Actually, scratch that, she could be shopping for her husband. I'll really believe it when I see Suri moving her shit into the guest cottage, because she's not going to let some screeching brat ruin her beauty sleep.

Tommy Girl's butt plugs & lifts fund is about to get filled with a handful of coins from American Media Inc., because the publisher has settled the $50 million defamation lawsuit Stepford Katie brought against them after Star insinuated she was an audit-addicted LRonHubbardhead.

Back in January, Star published a photo of Katie looking like the Russian bread alien and said that she's stumbling all over the place due to the constant Scientology audits she has to undergo. Katie and her lawyers at Larry. H Xenu immediately dropped a lawsuit on Star. Fast forward to today! Above Star's cover story on the third coming of Vanilla Gorilla's foolery, they issued an apology headline as well as this little note inside:

In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.

Suri Cruise can now afford to buy the pink diamond and swan skull Louboutins she's had her eye on for months, so this is good news. But it's still funny to me that out of all the things Katie Holmes has been accused of being, it's "drug addict" that snaps her into action.

Meanwhile, a junkie is injecting dirty heroin into their eyeballs while lying in a bath tub full of ice after trading their kidney in for a quick fix and thinking to themselves, "It could be worse. I could be married to Tom Cruise."

via Cover Awards

Or maybe she's doing her "bring down the house" impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.

Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out "I Want It Now" with her eyes. This is why I don't want kids, but it's also the reason why I love kids. They just don't give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren't high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).

I'm not sure why Suri was mad. It could've been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn't making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn't bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn't want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says "penis" out loud, there's a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here's what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

"Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don't need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she's going to say, what is this? And I really didn't want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I'm giving her those gummies."

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It's not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her "the talk" right there. It's an honest mistake.