The Kentucky Derby was today and I don't know who's supposed to win (or if somebody already won, I don't know who won) and I don't think the celebrities who went even know. They just go because they want to wear a dead bird on their head and get drunk on whatever liquor brand is sponsoring the event. Larry Birkhead and his Sun-In highlights show up year after year after year and this year he figured that if he's going to drag Dannielynn onto the red carpet he might as well let her wear a costume.
Larry and his daughter with Anna Nicole Smith served up some Penguin Dance realness at the Kentucky Derby today. It's kind of cute and it's kind of weird, but they looked better than 99.9% of the hos there. They should make this their thing. They should always wear matching or coordinating outfits. They can be the father/daughter version of Lucille and Buster Bluth.
That being said, Larry and Dannielynn weren't the best dressed of the Kentucky Derby. The best dressed title goes to the reigning Queens of the Kentucky Derby, the Barnstable Twins! Get into their wonk-eyed satin glamour:
The Barnstable Twins were the Doublemint Twins once and now they're actress/international beauties/socialite types who throw a charity gala during the Kentucky Derby every year. They're the only reason the Kentucky Derby exists. Who cares about those racing horses. Everybody shows up just to see these two gorgeous melting Barbies in person.
And here's pictures from various KD events of some hos who showed up just to see the beauty of the Barnstable Twins up close: Larry with Dannielynn Hope, Jennifer Tilly with Krysten Ritter, Star Jones, Miranda Lambert and Coco Rocha.
Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can't believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I'm writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn't Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label....but I still bought acid wash jeans there.
The NYDN says that Dannielynn's ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he's not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris' School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn's only modeling gig for now:
"People have said she's already stepping into her mom's shoes, and that's very broad. I want to be clear this was just a tribute. She's still a kid at heart, and she's going to stay that way as long as possible. It's really a tribute to her mom more than anything. She's not going to be a model.
Her mom's history with Guess was very positive. The ads were iconic and timeless. She asked me if she was going to be on the shopping bags like her mom. She was really excited about it. She had great time on the shoot. It was really just a day at the beach, playing in the sand."
I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won't see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids.
I'm not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly's children's clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn.
And these ads would've been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them.
It wouldn't be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I'm looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen's funeral.
This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That's because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!
And the people who got to witness Johnny's glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O'Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.
It makes sense that Larry Birkhead would party at the Rainbow Room since he probably loves rainbows so much. I mean, that's where his glistening hair came from. It checked out of 1992 and slid down the rainbow onto Larry's head. It's Larry's shiny mop of highlights that gets him all the hos. Last night after leaving the club, Larry did gross mouth things with some Rock of Love Bang Bus reject while some loud ass blondie yammered on to the cameras.
Seriously, I think the character of Jerri Blanks was loosely based on that bitch. Bitch's body says 40-something receptionist at a hair salon in Kentucky, but her outfit says tweentardian who wrote a lullaby to Robert Pattinson and posted it on YouTube. At least she didn't bring her Tini Puppini to the club, but you know that was hard for her.
What rock have I been living under? Don't answer that. I had no idea they ripped out the "Back to the Future Ride" at Universal Studios Hollywood and replaced it with "The Simpsons" ride. The audacity! Oh well, I'm already over it. You won't find me waiting 3 hours for "The Simpsons" ride anytime soon.
Larry Birkhead and little Dannielynn attended the premiere of the ride yesterday. I'm sure Entertainment Tonight and The Insider will show fifty hours of footage with Larry and Danni from this event. You know, because they just happened to be there.
Danni is pretty fucking adorable. I want one of those. Wait, they have a tendency to poop and pee on you, right? Eff that. I'll fulfill my maternal instincts by nursing a gin martini.