Larry Birkhead

It wouldn't be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I'm looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen's funeral.

This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That's because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!

And the people who got to witness Johnny's glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O'Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.

It makes sense that Larry Birkhead would party at the Rainbow Room since he probably loves rainbows so much. I mean, that's where his glistening hair came from. It checked out of 1992 and slid down the rainbow onto Larry's head. It's Larry's shiny mop of highlights that gets him all the hos. Last night after leaving the club, Larry did gross mouth things with some Rock of Love Bang Bus reject while some loud ass blondie yammered on to the cameras.

Seriously, I think the character of Jerri Blanks was loosely based on that bitch. Bitch's body says 40-something receptionist at a hair salon in Kentucky, but her outfit says tweentardian who wrote a lullaby to Robert Pattinson and posted it on YouTube. At least she didn't bring her Tini Puppini to the club, but you know that was hard for her.

What rock have I been living under? Don't answer that. I had no idea they ripped out the "Back to the Future Ride" at Universal Studios Hollywood and replaced it with "The Simpsons" ride. The audacity! Oh well, I'm already over it. You won't find me waiting 3 hours for "The Simpsons" ride anytime soon.

Larry Birkhead and little Dannielynn attended the premiere of the ride yesterday. I'm sure Entertainment Tonight and The Insider will show fifty hours of footage with Larry and Danni from this event. You know, because they just happened to be there.

Danni is pretty fucking adorable. I want one of those. Wait, they have a tendency to poop and pee on you, right? Eff that. I'll fulfill my maternal instincts by nursing a gin martini.