Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman gave birth to a future Harvard valedictorian, Nobel Peace Prize recipient, savior of the animals and Oscar-winning human almost a month ago and we haven't heard one thing about any of them. No pictures of Natalie smiling next to her perfect human baby and the completed illustrated book report he did on Pride & Prejudice in his own drool for fun. No talk of how Natalie's perfect human baby has already discovered the cure for cancer in his own piss. We don't even know his name! We don't know if she named him Natalie Portman's Perfect Baby Portman-Millipied or Hebrew National Dijon Portman-Millipied. But when you don't say shit, you can always count on your relatives to say shit for you.

One of Natalie's cousins tells an Israeli newspaper (via ONTD) that she's given her baby the name of:

ALEF!!!!!!

Alef is "A" in the Hebrew alphabet and apparently also means leader.

How is it pronounced? Is it pronounced "a leaf"? You know, like the thing Natalie pulls from the tree in her backyard and nibbles on in the middle of the field with a side of sun-baked sprouts as the woodland creatures happily dance around her because she's not eating their asses? Or is it pronounced "a lef." You know, like what Natalie is going to scream out at nobody in particular when Benjamin eventually twirls out of her life to get with a hotter slut in a tutu? "OH MY GAW! Benjamin A LEF ME!!!" No, since this is Natalie's baby, I'm pretty sure we have to pronounce it as: "our lord and savior."

Anyway, the name Alef Millipied is so Natalie (see: pretentious as fuck) and surprisingly I don't want to hiss at it. But maybe that's because if you drop the "e" in Alef, you'll have the name of a cat-eating hairy alien with a bread loaf nose.

In the middle of a Walmart in Oklahoma, Oscar-winning actress, Ivy League graduate and savior of the animals Natalie Portman gave birth to a son she has named Americus! No, but Natalie Portman and her fiancé Benjamin Millepied are now proud parents to baby boy she birthed out today.

People usually has every little detail down to how much the baby's brain weighs and if they made smoothies out of the placenta afterward (they didn't), but they don't have much this time. They don't have the name or anything else. This is Natalie Portman we're talking about so I'm guessing the name will be equals parts Jewish, French and pretension. Something like Y'hoshua Yves Portman-Millepied. Or maybe Woody Allen Baguette Portman-Millepied. It doesn't matter anyway, because in the near future we'll be calling her baby "overlord," I'm sure.

And how long before Natalie Portman's birthing double comes forward and says she only did about 5% of her own pushing?

Natalie Portman's fiance Benjamin Millepied, Black Swan's director Darren Aronofsky and Mila Kunis all came to her defense after her ballet double Sarah Lane said that she only did 5% of the fully body dance shots in the movie. Benjamin said she did about 85%, Darren said she did 80% and Mila asked if you were going to smoke the rest of that joint. And now Natalie herself has slid down from her golden ivy throne to address the rumors. Although, not really.

While all of us were in the hall whispering about how many j'newhatevers Natalie did in El Cisne Negro, she busted in and let us know that she's not going to dignify such idle gossip with a response! Natalie straight up swept Sarah Lane under the rug and then put her Oscar right on top. While promoting that Your Highness shit, Natalie stuttered this out to E! News (click here for the video):

"You know, I, it's it's....um...I know what went on. We, we had an amazing experience making the movie and I don't want to tarnish it by entering into nastiness, because it's such a positive thing what we get to do. We get to create things. I feel so lucky to be part of that, and um, I'm so proud of everyone's work on that movie and my experience. And I'll have that forever. And and and and and it's important for me to remember that no matter what nastiness is going around."

Bitch is stuttering so hard because ever her tongue is leaping, twirling and pirouetting! Because she's a REAL DANCER! No, but this whole "show me the pirouettes" thing has gotten more annoying than Nicole Kidman breathing out "I love to dahnce!" in those stupid ass Chanel No.5 commercials. So let's just bury it in our dressing room closets once and for all. It's time that we focus on way more important things. Like a sad kitten in a bucket:

How sad is sad kitten in a bucket? Submit your percentages by the end of the day.

Natalie Portman's face in that picture scares me too. We'll hold each other later, but for now we have even more "SHOW ME THE PIROUETTES" business to tend to. Sarah Lane, the professional ballerina who was Natalie's ballet doubles in Black Swan, opened the doors to Pliégate when she said that the Oscar-winning ivy league saint didn't do most of the fully body moves in the movie. Natalie's piece/choreographer Benjamin Millepied slapped at Sarah's claim and said that 85% of the dancing in the movie came from his fiancee's body. Sarah came back and said it was more like 5%.

Now Black Swan's director Darren Aronofsky is joining the most boring math class ever and tells EW that his calculations show 80% to 90% of the dance shots are of Natalie herself. I'm just going to raise my hand and say that 100% of this ri-fuckin-diculous, but let's let Darren go up to the board and explain how he got to 80%.

“Here is the reality. I had my editor count shots. There are 139 dance shots in the film. 111 are Natalie Portman untouched. 28 are her dance double Sarah Lane. If you do the math that’s 80% Natalie Portman. What about duration? The shots that feature the double are wide shots and rarely play for longer than one second. There are two complicated longer dance sequences that we used face replacement. Even so, if we were judging by time over 90% would be Natalie Portman.

And to be clear Natalie did dance on pointe in pointe shoes. If you look at the final shot of the opening prologue, which lasts 85 seconds, and was danced completely by Natalie, she exits the scene on pointe. That is completely her without any digital magic. I am responding to this to put this to rest and to defend my actor. Natalie sweated long and hard to deliver a great physical and emotional performance. And I don’t want anyone to think that’s not her they are watching. It is.”

Natalie better pop some Dramamine into her unborn baby's mouth, because she's going to have to throw down in a TWIRL OFF! If Natalie wins, she gets to keep her OSCAH! If Sarah Lane, wins Natalie still gets to keep her Oscar because she won for doing acting stuff and not twirling stuff.

And Natalie was going to ask Sarah to do the pushing for her in her labor video, but she's totally changed her mind now!

Let's recap. Sarah Lane, an ABT soloist who was one of two ballet doubles for Natalie Portman in Black Swan, already said that she did most of the twirling and leaping in the movie, but the producers wanted everyone to believe that it was Natalie so they told her to keep her lips shut. Sarah didn't. Benjamin Millepied, the movie's choreographer and half of the reason why Natalie's got a womb full of baby, retaliated by saying that his fiancee worked her toes off to move like a real dancer and that 85% of it was her.

Well, Sarah Lane is back and is hitting back at Benjamin with a giant NOPE. Sarah tells Entertainment Weekly that Benjamin needs to look at his abacus again and recalculate some shit, because Natalie did about 5% of her own dancing. THE PLOT THINS! Sarah went on:

“The shots that are just her face with arms, those shots are definitely Natalie. But that doesn’t show the actual dancing. They wanted to create this idea in people’s minds that Natalie was some kind of prodigy or so gifted in dance and really worked so hard to make herself a ballerina in a year and a half for the movie, basically because of the Oscar. It is demeaning to the profession and not just to me. I’ve been doing this for 22 years…. Can you become a concert pianist in a year and a half, even if you’re a movie star?

I mean, from a professional dancer’s standpoint, she doesn’t look like a professional ballet dancer at all and she can’t dance in pointe shoes. And she can’t move her body; she’s very stiff. I do give her a lot of credit because in a year and a half she lost a lot of weight and she really tried to go method and get into a dancers head and really feel like a ballet dancer.”

Benjamin answered back with: 85%

Sarah: 5%

Benjamin: 85%

Sarah: 5%

Benjamin: 85%

Sarah: Okay.

Benjamin: Yay.

Sarah: JK.

Benjamin: Damn. ......80%?

Are we really getting into the percentage game?! Sarah wants credit and Benjamin isn't going to give it to her. Or something. This is about as confusing as the damn movie. (SPOILER ALERT) When are we going to get to the part where when one of them stabs the other with broken glass and shoves 'em in a closet? Let's fast forward X10 to that part already. Actually, let's not. Instead let's go back and watch Winona Ryder say "Did you suck his cock? on a loop:

Now this is a game I like!

(GIF via Artistic Bitches)

Sarah Lane, an American Ballet Theater soloist who was Natalie Portman's double in Black Swan, gave an interview to Dance Magazine in December and said that Fox Searchlight told her to stop talking to the media because she feels they wanted everybody to think that Nat did most of her own dancing. Natalie never thanked Sarah in her acceptance speech and she constantly talked about how the ballet training made her feel like she was going to end up in a casket.

But some hos want to see the Nat's calluses (calluses are the new receipts), because they aren't convinced. And now Natalie's fiance and future baby father is leaping to her defense. Benjamin Millepied trained Natalie and choreographed that shit, so he says he should know. Benjamin tells The L.A. Times:

"It was so believable, it was fantastic, that beautiful movement quality. There are articles now talking about her dance double [American Ballet Theatre dancer Sarah Lane] that are making it sound like [Lane] did a lot of the work, but really, she just did the footwork, and the fouettés, and one diagonal [phrase] in the studio. Honestly, 85% of that movie is Natalie."

[I made] things fluid and not too complicated. By getting more movement going, which in turn added to the camera movement — that is basically what I did. If we had kept things more classical, more restrained, less fluid, it would have been harder to trick the eye."

Hmm. Well, my mom taught me to never trust a gold digger who looks like a 1970s era gay porn star/Wrangler jeans fit model, so I say yank the Oscar out of that bitch's hands and give it to its rightful owner: ELIZABETH BERKLEY! Because in the clamp on cinema's nipple called Showgirls, Elizabeth did her own "acting" and pussy poppin'. Hand it over!

Because I know you've been waiting to read what possible presidential candidate Mike Huckabee thinks of Natalie Portman accepting the Oscar with a womb full of baby and an empty wedding ring finger, here's what he said on The Michael Medved Show on Monday:

"People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, 'We're not married but we're having these children and they're doing just fine.' I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of- wedlock children. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can't get a job, and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care," he said. "And that's the story that we're not seeing."

Mike shook his head when Natalie thanked her fiance Benjamin Millipedeorwhatever for giving her the most wonderful gift ever. But wait, back in 2007, Mike slow clapped for Jamie Lynn Spears, because she chose to have her baby.

"Apparently, she's going to have the child, and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action. But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life."

So, 16-year-old having a baby = OK! But, grown ass woman with a fiance having a baby = MORAL KILLER! Okay, I will update my files.

The only thing this tells us is that Mike Huckabee's favorite show is Teen Mom and he secretly hates Natalie Portman. Why? Because he wanted "the lesbian" to win!

via UsWeekly

Oscar winner and the soon-to-be mother of Einstein's successor, Natalie Portman, finally got her pregnant ass off the Oscar stage and plucked a few hairs off of Galliano's lip brows by condemning him in a statement she released to The New York Times last night. Natalie is the face of Miss Dior Cherie fragrance and was supposed to wear Dior to the Oscars, but switched to Rodarte after Galliano was detained in Paris for making Mel Gibson's nipples salute him by throwing out anti-Semetic insults at a couple. And after watching the video of Galliano declaring that he loves Hitler, Natalie said this:

“I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano’s comments that surfaced today. In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way. I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful.”

Natalie then went on to say, "But if Mr. Galliano raped and sodomized a 13-year-old, dat's okay!" No. Good for Natalie for standing up and throwing a slap at the Nazi Gay Boris. But since Natalie's laugh could melt the stache off of Hitler's face, she should've just dedicated her next one to Galliano. That would've hurt him more.

And here's Natalie with her fiance Benjamin Centipedeorwhatever going to breakfast in L.A. yesterday morning. Yes, Natalie is carrying a Dior purse that may or may not be made of cow carcasses. CONDEMN THE VEGAN!

After watching Melissa Leo's acceptance speech at the Oscars last night for the third time, it seems like she practiced it for hours beforehand in front of the bathroom mirror in her hotel suite and made her assistant shine a flashlight at her in lieu of a spotlight. When Melissa looked up at the "little people" in the balcony with the same wide-eyed look I throw when there's a 9-inch peen in front of me (in my dreams), I thought Toto was going to scamper out on stage and she'd break into an acoustic version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." If those kids didn't claim that song for the finale, she would've. Laying it on thick! Seriously, Melissa is like the mobile park version of Mindy Grayson.

Before snatching the walking apparatus from a fragile and precious invalid (aka Kirk Douglas), Melissa shot the fuck word at the audience. ABC hit the 'THINK OF THE CHILDREN" button and so it was bleeped out for TV, but here's the uncensored clip below:

Kathie Lee Gifford, who is forever the epitome of grace and class, couldn't believe that Melissa would spit out such filth during her big moment. To which I say, why the fuck not! a) Sometimes our internal emotions are percolating so much that the only way to get them out is through the letters F-U-C-K. b) A fuck gets more attention than a no fuck.

Melissa apologized later backstage saying that she was so overcome with emotion: “I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Just slipped out. I was a little excited.”

Fun fact: That little quote is the exact same thing Kevin Spacey said after pulling down his fly in front of Jake Gyllenhaal backstage.

But Melissa should really apologize for wearing your memaw's favorite Easter doily table runner under your old Christmas wrapping.

Here's more of Melissa Leo's crazy ass as well as the other acting winners from last night (click here for the full list if you haven't already memorized it).

Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"

You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.

Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.