90210

The new "90210" premiered last night...and...well..I tried! It's like a limp dick to me. It's not something that I would ever crave, but if I have nothing else to do, I'll make it work. It was pretty boring and I spent most of the 2-hours picking at my dog's eye boogies. And his eye boogies have more personality than some of the dreary fools in this show. Most of these skanks need to go back to the oatmeal factory they came from.

The main chick, Annie Wilson, is about as likeable as a plate of soggy 2 day old fries. She's totally a "High School Musical" reject and that's saying a lot. And Ali Lohan called, she wants her non-personality back.

The chick who is supposed to be the "bitchy" one is anything but! I had high hopes for Naomi Clark. Shouldn't she have a coke problem, bulimia, IBS or sticky fingers?! Something! And she looks like a salesperson at the Ann Taylor outlet store. All she did was pout and try to sex everybody up with her eyes. Speaking of eyes, Naomi's mom had serious crazy eyes! She could play Tricia Walsh-Smith in a TV movie.

Lucille Bluth basically played Lucille Bluth. But she did it better on "Arrested Development." The only bitch, besides Brenda of course, that I could tolerate was the pill-popping crackhead who has to pay her mom's mortgage or some shit. She's a welfare version of Nelly Furtado, but at least she had some real problems! Sadly, you know she's going to OD and that Ali Lohan wannabe is going to get the lead in "Spring Awakening." They always kill off the ones that I love.

Now to the real star of the show......Brenda Fucking Walsh! It was so nice to see her wonky eye back as the main bitch of Beverly Hills. Some lovely soul compiled Brenda and Kelly's two scenes together (above). Kelly isn't going to know what hit her skeezy ass! Brenda is playing nicey now, but things better change. I saw the way Brenda was checking out Kelly's new man with her one good eye. Brenda is back for blood....and school teacher jizz.

That's if the writers don't fuck it up by making her "nice" and "sweet." No. And if Brenda doesn't take over the lead in the high school musical at the last minute, I'm going to delete this shit from my Tivo! Okay, I won't, but I'll think about it for a long ass time.

When Brenda Walsh enters a room, the raggedy ass hos taking space should find the nearest exit and scurry back home to their mommies There's no need for them anymore.

Yesterday was the premiere party for "The Brenda Walsh Bitch Hour" aka the new "90210." Shannen Doherty was gracious enough to show up and pose for a few pictures. I'm sure after these pictures were taken, she punched out a bartender, took a bottle of Grey Goose from the bar and went back home to un-handcuff her dude of the moment from her bed. Hopefully she spit on that cunt Kelly Taylor on her way out.

You know, I couldn't find any pictures of Brenda and Kelly posing together. Kelly knows better. She can't compete. She never could!

Here's some of the other skanks from last night's party. Since when did Lori Loughlin become one of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

And the young whores of the show are trying too hard to compete with Brenda Walsh. They look like rejects from an amateur strip contest. Sorry little hos. Drink your milk and call it a night!

The CW released this extremely short promo featuring the queen bitch of all bitches, Brenda Walsh! The video currently has around 1,500 views and 1,499 probably came from me. I've been skipping to the 4-second mark over and over again to watch her say "Miss me?!" I scream "YES!!! YES!!" each time. I think it's making my dog barf.

In other Brenda Walsh news, this is a spoiler, so close your eyes and dream of fat dick if you don't want know. Back in the day, Brenda left Beverly Hills to pursue her dream of being an actress in London. Well, apparently Brenda has become a famous theater actress and director who lives in London and New York. HA! Um...we all saw her "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" audition. She's no Tallulah Bankhead.

Kelly Taylor, who is a counselor at West Bev, convinces Brenda to return to Beverly Hills to direct the high school musical. Brenda takes her offer and directs the kids in a high school version of the Broadway musical "Spring Awakening." You have got to be fucking kidding me. Whatever. I don't care as long as there's at least 3 scenes featuring Brenda beating the shit out of Kelly. I want to see blonde hair flying. Brenda better punch Kelly right in her chipmunk teeth!

Run from that mess known as "90210" before it's too fucking late! Just make sure not to spill a drop of your delicious cocktail. You don't want to waste any of life's precious nectar.

So....Lucille Bluth aka Jessica Walter is just one of the stars of The CW's "90210," which premieres September 2nd. The network has decided not to send out screeners for the show to reporters and critics. I guess it's highly unusual not to send out copies before a show's premiere. This basically means it sucks harder than that slut Kelly Taylor at a frat party.

The network said it's a "strategic marketing decision." They went on to say, "We're not hiding anything . We're simply keeping a lid on 90210 until 9.02, riding the curiosity and anticipation into premiere night, and letting all our constituents see it at the same time."

I haven't seen this fuckery and I already know what my review is going to be: "MORE BRENDA! MORE LUCILLE BLUTH!"

I mean, the poster for the show is a bunch of kids in a pool. Kids in a pool = floating shit. That says it all.

Source

If you blink, you might miss her! The legendary duchess of prime time television, Brenda Walsh, has finally made an appearance in the promos for "90210." She's in it for like two seconds. That disgusts me. She should be in every second of this promo.

Shit, they should just change the series name to "Brenda Walsh: Don't Get It Twisted" and get it over with. I don't care if the show is 60-minutes of Brenda eating an apple, it would be a hell of a lot more interesting than watching any of these skanks. The lead ho reminds me of Ali Lohan and that is a bad, bad thing. I keep waiting for White Oprah to pounce in and scream, "Aliiiiiiii."

So, note to the producers. The only way you can dress up this oatmeal-looking mess is by adding a lot more cinnamon sugar aka Brenda Walsh.

Dylan McKay is on the wrong coast. He should really be in California trying to save that "90210" shit show. They already have Brenda, now they need Dylan. The new "90210" trailer makes it look like 2-hours of watching oatmeal dry. Click here to see it, but bring some NoDoz.

Luke Perry was on the NYC set of "Law & Order: SVU" with Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay yesterday.

I know Christopher is just trying to keep the pits cool, but he looks like a retired Chippendale's dancer getting ready to make his big comeback. I wonder if those pants come off with one tug?

Here's the first cast photo from that "90210" mess. It's like looking at a picture of stale bread. These bitches are boring as fuck and they look bored too. The photographer should have put a delicious Zinger in front of their faces or maybe a 10" dick.

The dudes are not hot! They look straight out of the JCPenney catalog. None of them make you want to do sex with a Vaseline jar. Luke Perry and Ian Ziering were pure, greasy sex. Sorry, Brandon Walsh never did it for me. And David Silver was like a pre-pubescent 13-year-old girl in Hammer pants.

Lucille Bluth, what did you get yourself into? And where's Brenda Walsh when you need here? That bitch should have gotten in Brandon's yellow Mustang and crashed into this bunch of drips.

Speaking Brenda, here's a riveting scene where Brenda tells Kelly off for trying to steal HER part in the school play. Brenda is right, Kelly needs a life of her own! "Stab me in the back, I bleed."

Oh and here's the first promo shot from the new "90210" of that conniving cunt Kelly Taylor! They should have dressed this bitch in WHORE RED.

Brenda Walsh will officially return to Beverly Hills to seek vengeance on those who have wronged her! Kelly Taylor better take refuge in the Peach Pit basement. The producers of the "90210" spin-off have announced that Brenda will be back. They can fire those other hos now, because the only bitch that belongs on that show has returned.

Shannen's spokeswhore also confirmed it, “Shannen is looking forward to returning to 90210." She's also looking forward to giving Kelly Taylor a concrete smile.

You know this crazy bitch is going to freak out and get fired AGAIN! Even a Valium overdose couldn't control Shannen's insanity. I just hope she goes out with a bang this time.

The producers said that Brenda will be a visiting drama teacher who comes to West Beverly High to direct a musical. Kelly is one of the counselors at West Bev.

A drama teacher?! This makes sense. Brenda proved she was a true thespian when she auditioned for "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." Remember how that dumb slut Laura tried to kill herself in the theater after Brenda got the role? I hated Laura! Clip below:

VIVA BRENDA!

Brenda Walsh has claimed her first victim and she hasn't even begun shooting her scenes yet. Kristin at E! is hearing that Shannen Doherty is in and Tori Spelling is out of the "90210" spin-off. I'm so happy that I could shit and sing at the same time.

A source said that Tori the Hutt will not be doing the show due to "personal reasons." The personal reason being she's too fugly for network TV and knows it! No, Tori the Hutt just had a baby or something like that.

The source went on to say, “It is happening with Shannen. It's just a question of how long she'll shoot, whether it will be one day or ten and what the storyline will be, but we are working on it, and it is a very real thing."

The producers are hoping to reunite Brenda and Kelly Taylor onscreen which means that Shannen and Jennie Garth have to speak to each other. The source thinks the two will be fine, "They were 19 and 20 when all of that happened and a lot has changed. And, you know, they’re not moving in together, just shooting together for an hour and a half.” There's going to be shooting going on alright. Brenda shooting Kelly in the pussy bone for stealing her man!

It's funny that I don't even remember the other skanks in this show. All that matters is the showdown between Brenda and Kelly. The writers shouldn't bother coming up with new shit. They should just have them recreate the scene below instead. "You guys are so gossipy! Thanks for the memories."

Lori Loughlin recently said that she doesn't think Brenda Walsh is coming back to the "90210" spin-off, because "nobody wants to touch that." Well, Lori better get her razors ready, because Brenda is coming back and the bitch is ready to beat some "15-year-old Full House ass" and I'm talking about Lori.

Michael Ausiello reports that producers have talked to Shannen Doherty about coming back to the show as the Queen of Everything Brenda Walsh. DUH! They know that shit show ain't nothing without its true star!

Sources tell Michael that "she wants to know what the story is going to be first." Shannen also wants more cash. Bitch knows her worth! And the storyline better be Brenda coming back with a flamethrower to kick some ass and take names. Brenda will smoke all those tween hos and show them how it's really done. Then producers can change the name from "90210" to "BRENDA 4 EVA!"

Jennie Garth, who has a guest-starring role on the show, is reportedly okay with Shannen coming back. She said, "A lot of time has passed, and I'm a big girl. I'd have no problem with her coming on the show." You know after hearing the news, Jennie immediately hired the A-Team to protect her ass on the set.

This shit better come true and they better not waste Brenda's precious talents. If there's not at least three scenes featuring Brenda calling Kelly "a dumb fuck bitch," followed by a shank to the face, then I'm going to be disappointed.

It wouldn't be a 90210 post without a classic Brenda scene. Here's Brenda showing everyone that she really should have won a Grammy for the performance below. And as it should be, those two hags are standing BEHIND her.

Thanks Mari