Aubrey O'Day

You still shouldn't be wearing a mouth mask because of airborne Kardashian kooties. That threat has passed. You should be wearing a mouth mask, because inhaling the mixture of powdery demureness, bronzed elegance and magical lash dust that is coming out of Aubrey O'Day's mouth will cause you to hyperventilate and fall into a dream-like coma where kidney bean tits dance in a bubble of clown powder around you. You're not ready for that since one should go on a fuckery fast 24 hours before doing so.

Leave it to Aubrey HoDayNightWhenever to bring some much-needed star quality and glamour to last night's tired whore and pony show hosted by the barnyard brigade. Aubrey can deduct the bus fare she paid to get there last night as charity on her tax form, because showing up to that mess definitely counts as an act of philanthropy toward needy famewhores. I swear, Aubrey has more talent, natural beauty and dignity* in one of her implant ripples than all of the Kardashians combined times infinity!

* Yup, saying that Aubrey O'Day has dignity is one of the first signs of famewhore inhalation. Call the Clinica Mobile.

Kim Kardashian's dumb dumpster rat mouth said she was SHOCKED and Khloe Kardashian said she was DISGUSTED about the Casey Anthony verdict, but neither of those useless toilet tank tramps were as inappropriately eloquent with their responses as the used makeup puff in a weave known as Aubrey O'Day.

The Shameless Attention Whore Code of Non-Ethics states that when a bitch is found not guilty of allegedly murdering her 2-year-old daughter, you should respond by posting a picture of your NOT RIGHT ass in a bikini. And Aubrey O'Day did just that. You can always count on Aubrey to break the tension with her plastic titty sacks that still have Diddy's greasy fingerprints all over them. Thank you, Aubrey!

But to be fair, this is how Aubrey handles all serious news. "Shaking your tits in a bikini" is the fame whore's equivalent to "shaking my head." When China's synchronized army finally takes control of America and makes all of us their slaves, we can find relief in knowing that in a Studio City basement apartment, Aubrey O'Day is sucking in her labia while doing the "MAKING IT ABOUT ME" pose in front of her bathroom mirror.

And that melancholy howl you hear is LeAnn Rimes wailing at the top of the highest peak in Fantasia, because she didn't come up with this mess herself.

via Jezebel

When I was a kid, our neighbor would have these pool parties every now and again for everyone on the block. Almost every single time, these brats from the neighborhood would show up in nothing but their chonies. The little boy wore his Underoos and the girl wore panties with a tank top. There we were, in our trunks, bathing suits and oversized t-shirts (for the fat kids) and there they were looking like drunk college students who just broke into the school pool. And their mother would wear a proper bathing suit with a sarong and everything, so I'm not sure what their deal was. I didn't have the sense back then to ask them why they insisted on showing us their wet part prints.

But it's obvious that one of those kids grew up to be Aubrey O'Day, because here's the human makeup puff in JcPenney bridal lingerie at a pool party in Las Vegas yesterday. You know, I'm not mad, though.

There's something about ill-fitting white lingerie, tummy tuck scars, painted on abs, topple over titties and third-degree Kardashian face that just screams ELEGANCE! Or maybe it's screaming something totally different and I should get an ear wash.

And apparently when Aubrey O'Day switches on the manufactured fury her face morphs into a constipated Miley Cyrus. You learn something new. Outside of Katsuya in Hollywood last night, the former jewel of Diddy's harem got into a fight with the boyfriend of one of her "All About Aubrey" co-stars. To say that this is more choreographed than Tom Cruise's marriages is a damn understatement.

You can practically hear Aubrey's internal voice chanting, "1, 2, 3, yell! 5,6,7, push!" So real. So raw. So Meryl Streep-esque. The scene is so captivating that the woman in the back is picking the kobe beef bits out of her teefs while wondering if she should get a scoop of the Cotton Candy or a cup of the Baseball Nut (that name...) at Baskin-Robbins after this shit wraps.

The only reality show Aubrey O'Day should be on is Animal Cops, because of all the fuckery she has put Ginger O'Day (the bitch on the far left) through. If the picture above moved, you'd see Ginger blinking a message in Morse code with her eyes. Bitch would be like: "H-E-L-P-M-E-E-E-E". But I'm sure we'll see Ginger's blink for help in Aubrey's new reality show for Oxygen. Yes, Aubrey is getting her own reality show, because giving hand jobs to any dude in a suit will eventually pay off for some hos (I'm still handjobbing away....)!

The press release from Oxygen is hilarious. White Oprah must be writing press releases in her spare time:

"Young women have watched the ups and downs of Aubrey through the years, and they continue to cheer her on. We're excited to deliver her story as she battles the issues that resonate with our audience, from self-doubt and body image to an intense desire for success and redemption."

More like we've watched Aubrey go from having a normal face to looking like a bronzer-covered goiter ripped off of Kim Kardashian's taint. And who is sitting in Aubrey's cheer section? Okay, Ginger is, but only because she's trying to escape by crawling between the bleacher seats.

via THR

Those malicious paps are not right for telling Ceiling Eyes to look in the opposite direction of where her "career" is going at last night's UsWeekly party in Hollywood. Ceiling Eyes is already permanently staring into space, so when she looks up her eyes get stuck.

It took hours before they were able to get her eyes back to the place where they belong. They dropped an anvil on her head. No movement. They dangled a "buy one implant, get one free" coupon below her. Nothing. Things were looking bleak, but then someone got the bright idea to call Spencer Pratt and ask him to stand on a ladder above Ceiling Eyes and flash his chocha at her. Eyes dropped in a millisecond flat. Crisis averted. Spencer saved the day.

Here's more completely relevant celebrities at last night's party including: an elegantly dressed Angela Simmons, Bridget Marquardt, Drag Race reject Ciara, future VH1 reality star JLo with Skeletor, Hemorrhoid Rinna, a creature from the herp lagoon, Aubrey O'Wildenstein and Kelly Osbourne with her piece.

If you've ever wanted to taste Aubrey O'Day's creampie, you're disgusting! But in addition to being gross, you're also in luck because she now has her own milkshake over at Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles. Aubrey O'Day lives to pose with whipped cream like it's a dollop of man milk, so thankfully for her a place like Millions of Milkshakes exists!

Aubrey followed up her computer-generated bukkake ad for Millions of Famewhores by creating a milkshake named after her. Aubrey's delicious cup of wart puss contains milky sweat from Diddy's over-moisturized nutsack, coagulated silicone from a leaky implant, two drops of red dog dye and one bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. One sip of it will send you into ecstasy. One sip will also send you to quarantine by order of the Department of Health, but at least you'll have one second of pleasure before that happens.

The launch party for Aubrey's blended creampie brought out the likes of her tortured dogs, Quinton Aaron from The Blind Side, a pervy Elmo, and some refined royal lady who stopped by before meeting the Queen at Buckingham Palace for Hot Toddies (see last thumbnail).

If you guessed that the next time you laid eyes on Aubrey O'Day she'd be covered in a milky substance, you were right! Here's Aubrey O'Day trying to show up Mimi's army of Photoshoppers and Lil' Kim's plastic surgeons in some kind of ad for Millions of Milkshakes.

Poor Ginger (the fluffy white dog on the left) now has cataracts. Didn't we warn her to never stare directly into Aubrey's naked situation?

via The Life Files

Make some room on the celebrity dog suicide watch list for Aubrey O'Day's newest victim. At a toy drive in Las Vegas yesterday, Mary Ann (the fluff ball on the right) made her public debut. You can tell by the look in Mary Ann's eyes that she already shits on life and everything it has to offer.

So now, Aubrey has Ginger and Mary Ann. Every available fluffy white toy dog from here to Manitoba better write in its medical file that it's deathly allergic to the name Lovely Howell.

On a positive note, at least Ginger has a friend who also has an asshole the color of an Easter egg to sympathize with. And before you even go there, you should know that mine is more like the color of an egg in a Dr. Seuss book. SO DON'T!

There's just something about SamRo (SPOILER ALERT: It's the serious muff-diving face) that makes all skankwhoresluts purr like Ne-Yo in a men's locker room. And Aubrey Ho'Day (And Night) is no exception! Page Six says that at a Nascar party at Lavo in Las Vegas the other night, Aubrey tried to seduce SamRo with the Dance of the Seven STDs.

A witness (*cough*Ginger*cough*) barked this to say Page Six, "She was doing everything to get Samantha's attention, including grinding her derriere on the glass partition that blocked off the booth. Samantha totally ignored her."

Every time Aubrey O'Day gets shut down, a fellow skankwhoreslut accidentally drops her last morning-after pill into a sewer grate while doing the walk of shame. TRAGIC!

Obviously, SamRo prefers her ladies refined, demure and pristine. You know, just like HoHan!